Entry 15: Back to normal I guess

We were sitting in a table next to the fire and next to one of the tables I had smashed with Thonar's body just a few moments ago.

I felt sad and a little bit anxious to say the least; I was right in front of my Thane; he was quiet and seemed sad too.
I didn't know what to say or what to do; after all, when I tried hugging him, he stepped back and walked away from me… he was most likely still angry at me, but then why did he seemed sad?

Sitting across the table and looking into each other's eyes without saying a word, might have been fine in any other situation; but not now, not in this moment.
We had ordered dinner some time ago; I had already finished my plate, but my Thane hadn't even touched his.
I couldn't help but wonder what was going on… perhaps he would send me away… ohh gods…
My hands were trembling and my entire body felt numb; and not precisely for the effort of attacking Thonar Silver-Blood and shattering two tables with his body.

"Lydia…" I heard him say; his voice deep but with something strange in it… he remained silent after saying that, just my name, his emerald eyes focused on mine; an overwhelming sight; so focused, so penetrating, I couldn't hold the strength of his sight and looked down to my empty plate.

"Yes my Thane?" the question just felt natural after twelve years of training to become a Housecarl.
I was a true nord; and as any true nord, I would honor my oaths; at last I had a Thane to serve and protect, still I don't think I was doing a very good job at that.
And then there was all this romantic crap in my mind… he might be married and here I am, acting like a naive young girl. Mind, I don't think of me as an old lady; after all I'm just twenty three years old and at the peak of my condition, quoting Irileth; my mentor.
His deep voice suddenly made me jump slightly; all my thoughts disappearing.

"Why did you went through all that trouble to find me? Not saying that you did wrong or that I'm not grateful for the gesture, but still; why put your life and freedom at risk for me?" Laniüs asked crossing his arms and reclining on his chair.
I felt like struck by lightning after his question; didn't he hear me the first time when we met at Dragonsreach, and when we talked about the responsibilities and job of a Housecarl after we set out from Dragon Bridge…

I stilled my puzzling mind and answered his question with the same mantra every Housecarl had to know by heart; "my Thane, as your Housecarl, I am sworn to your service. I will protect you and all you own with my life; I am to obey your every order, and put your life before my own." I replied; repeating the oath that was hammered into my mind.

"I didn't ask you that. I already know what are the responsibilities and duties of a Housecarl; what I want to know is why you tried so hard to find me; you obviously went through a lot more than duty or honor demanded. Putting apart your oaths, duties and honor; what drove you to almost tear down an inn, fight off thugs and guards, getting imprisoned, and, by the look in your face, probably don't even sleep for at least two days just looking for me; searching up and down the entire city, even threatening others into giving you clues?" He said.

My mind went numb, what should I say; I couldn't just say that I cared for him more than he realized.
I couldn't just say that it was my attraction to him or love for him; I loved him. But I could not say so. It was out of place; he was a Thane, I was only his Housecarl.

In just seconds, I remembered some of the old stories of Whiterun, about Thanes and their Housecarls; some died at each other's side, some gave their lives to save their Thanes; others were guardians to their Thanes until the end of their days and some suffered because their Thanes were evil.

However, there were also the opposite stories, where a Thane would give his or her own life for that of his Housecarl, some that became close as friends or family; and even some, where a Thane would marry his Housecarl… it was the last one that I believed and wished for me when I was still training under the watchful eyes of Irileth, to become one day a Housecarl.

"Lydia, you haven't answered me; are you alright…?"
My Thane's voice booted me back to reality, my pale skin turned scarlet red; I muttered some words but I couldn't answer… I felt so powerless; a simple question and I was frozen, I was paralyzed, my mind numb…
I didn't want to lift my face; I didn't want to look Laniüs in the eyes, but I did, and to my surprise he was… grinning; a very shy and hidden smile… but there it was.

The look of surprise in my face must have been something to see, because once I looked straight at him he began to chuckle and then laugh, very loudly I must say.
I smiled at his laugh; and little by little, I began to laugh too, what a simple and stupid thing to do; yet so very relaxing and comforting.

After laughing for a while, he stood up, walked to me, helped me to my feet and gave me a hug; I was speechless, my mind drifted away in his deep green eyes, and I lost the feeling in my body as I let myself get pressed against his body in a strong embrace.
If this is a dream, I will kill whoever wakes me up…

After what seemed like an eternity, we separated, I fell back on my chair, still thinking about what had just happened; my breath was very heavy.
I looked across the table, and there was my Thane, sitting relaxed and with a bright smile in his face. The first time I had seen him smile like that in at least four or maybe five days.

After some moments of just sitting across the table looking into each other's eyes, my Thane told me the story of how he found out about the Forsworn Conspiracy, and how, when he got too close to uncovering the truth; the guards killed Eltrys and arrested him; not before he was attacked by forsworn secret agents and walking all around the city searching for clues.
We spent a good two or maybe three hours of just talking; finally, Laniüs got up and told me that he would go and talk to Thonar about not trying anything against me.
At his words, a thought made itself very known; fantastic, more problems for my Thane because of me…

I asked him about whatever he didn't mention in our conversation; I knew he wanted to say something that seemed very important to him and yet, he seemed reluctant to say something about it to me, but I knew he wanted to say something…
He deflected my question and told me to go and rest, because tomorrow we would be leaving the city; he didn't say where but I liked the idea.

He then came to me and hugged me one last time before stepping out of the inn to wish me a good night sleep.

I guess we are back to normal, at least.
But what was that he wanted to say to me…

Love Lydia.