Chapter 21: Am I Really Jealous? ~ Len

Considering I'm really not up to going to maths today I decide to skive. Not the wisest decision in the world, really, because everyone is already in enough of a mood with me as it is, but I seriously just can't be bothered. I don't want to be glared at by Mr. Hiyama for an hour, I don't want to have to be near Miku either. I don't even know why I ever liked her in the first place, I seriously hate her right now.

I text Piko to tell him I'm skiving and then head home. No one will be there for the next hour so I have a lot of time to relax. I have an extra-long shower, shave when I realise I look seriously scruffy, and then raid the fridge for any form of meat that doesn't require cooking. In the end I just decide to go for a steak considering I'd been craving one earlier today. Luckily steaks are beef and beef is red meat so I don't have to cook, I just eat it raw. It would have tasted better warm, but I don't give a damn.

Hopefully Sweet Ann won't notice one steak is missing. My name has already been written enough times on her to kill list as it is.

No longer feeling hungry, I collapse on the sofa and wait for everyone to return. Oliver returns first, thankfully. We don't generally get along but sometimes we do and today he's nice enough to wish me luck with his parents, though he does announce if I die he's having my room because it's bigger than his. Then he disappears upstairs and once he's put his stuff away comes back down and we watch cartoons together on the TV.

Rin's the next to return home. She glances into the living room where she sees me and Oliver watching cartoons, and stands there awkwardly as she watches us. I look up and scowl at her for a good minute until I look away again. Hopefully this translates well enough to 'I don't feel like talking to you much'.

"Are Aunt Ann and Uncle Al here yet?" she asks Oliver.

He shakes his head and doesn't look away from the TV as he answers. "Of course not, if they were Len would be dead by now."

Rin sighs, knowing this is true, and hovers in the doorway for a second longer before disappearing. Just like Oliver she eventually returns downstairs to watch cartoons with us, but she chooses to sit next to our cousin rather than me. Smart choice.

After a while we all hear the door open again. The other two instantly look at me, and I groan internally knowing that my time has come and Sweet Ann is going to kill me. I just stare at the cartoons, as if nothing bad will happen if I don't divert my attention away from them.

It doesn't work though. From the corner of my eye I see Sweet Ann stomp into the room, followed by Big Al. He doesn't look angry like my aunt does, but he doesn't necessarily look pleased.

"Len Kagamine, I think you have some explaining to do," Sweet Ann snaps. So much for being sweet.

"I don't think I do," I mutter sullenly, refusing to look at her.

"You hung up on me last night!" she yells. "Did you really think I'd let you get away with that?"

"Look, Ann," I say as I eventually look at her. "You asked where I was and I told you. I don't see what the fuss is about."

"The fuss is you didn't come home, and then you hung up on me! Don't even think you have the right to treat your parental guardians this way!"

"I'm sorry I was in a bad mood yesterday. It was just easier to go to Piko's," I grumble. "I'm sorry, I should have called first, but I was in a bad mood and wasn't thinking straight."

I very nearly add that it didn't help that Rin stole my homework, but thankfully I'm not feeling too sullen so I easily prevent myself. Throwing Rin under the bus and getting her into trouble would make things worse.

Sweet Ann looks like she wants to say something but Big Al gets there first. "Len, it's all right if you want to spend the night at Piko's if you're feeling upset. Just please remember to tell us first, and also remember that we are here to talk to if you need to. You're our nephew, we do care about how you're feeling.

I shift awkwardly on the sofa and find myself not being able to meet his gaze. "Yeah, I know." Eventually I just stand up and say, "I'm done for the day. I'll be in my room if you need me."

I think Big Al wants to say more but honestly, at this point, I don't really care. I just scurry past and run up to my room. For some reason it feels safer to be alone.

#

I'm lying down on my back playing on my phone when Big Al knocks on my door telling me Sweet Ann is going to start making dinner soon and she's wondering whether I'm hungry. Really, she wants to know if I'm in a good enough mood to eat with the family. I just say sure.

My uncle hovers in my doorway for a moment longer then walks into my room, closing the door behind him. I look at him sceptically as he comes to sit on the edge of my bed.

"If you've come to lecture me I'm not interested," I tell him.

"I'm not here to lecture you," he assures me "I'm here to see if you have anything you want to talk about."

I frown at him. "Like what?"

He sighs. "Len, I told you downstairs earlier if anything is bothering you, you can talk to us. You had no problem with coming to vent at me when you upset Miku in the cafeteria the other day."

"Well maybe something isn't bothering me now," I say sullenly. "And besides, the only reason I went to you then was I wanted an excuse to skip lessons."

"The does sound an awful lot like you," he remarks. He quickly sounds serious again though as he says, "Len, your aunt and I aren't idiots. Even a three-year-old could see something's bothering you."

"Did it ever occur to you maybe it's because I had to talk to mum the other day only for her to scold me?" I ask as I turn my attention back to my phone. "No, probably not. Everyone's only ever concerned about whether Miku or Rin are upset but no one ever cares if I am."

"And what are you upset about?" he asks.

I sigh and finally put my phone down. "Everything."

"And what does everything involve, exactly?" Big Al asks. He pats the space on my bed next to him, telling me to sit up. Reluctantly I do, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

"For starters, my mum," I grumble.

"You don't have to speak to her if you don't want to," he tells me.

"I'll look like an even crappier son if I don't," I mutter.

Big Al sighs. "Let's just forget your mum for now and focus on the current issue. Miku, right?" I groan and roll my head back, and he nods knowing he guessed right. "What's happened with her? I thought you apologised to clear the air between you."

"Yeah and it went swimmingly," I say bitterly. "She didn't want to accept my apology and still hates my guts. So much for being the bigger person."

"Len, please tell me you gave her a genuine apology, at least," Big Al asks, but there's clear doubt in his eyes. I look down at my lap, and he knows I didn't. "Len, don't expect anyone to accept an apology if you don't mean it."

I just groan and look away. "I dunno how to apologise properly. It's not like I'm used to it."

"Then I'll guess you have to learn," he says, though he misses my point.

I mean yeah, I never really apologise to people. Never once said sorry to someone after I broke their nose, or rarely ever apologised to someone after insulting them, unless they were Rin. But the thing is, I never really had anyone apologise to me. I mean sure, mum tried to say sorry to me for shipping me half way across the world, but I doubt she meant it, and that's the thing I'm getting at here. I may not apologise much myself, but I don't receive them either. How the heck am I supposed to learn?

"Why can't someone else be the bigger man for a change?" I eventually mutter.

"I'm not saying always be the bigger man, just knowing how to apologise is a useful skill," Big Al says, nudging me with my elbow. I look back at him as he says, "So who'd you want to be the bigger man then, Miku?"

I scowl at the mention of her name and look away. "She doesn't have anything to apologise for. I'm the one that's done everything wrong."

"Are you sure?" he enquires. "You've been noticeably more grumpy since she's turned up."

My eyes flickers back to him before I look away. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I feel so annoyed with Miku. She's legitimately done nothing wrong. I'm the one that threatened her about her powers. I'm the one that got her in trouble with her parents. I'm the one that sent her storming out of the canteen. Heck, I'm the one who's deliberately riled her up because I've flirted with her. But what has she done? Become friends with Rin.

And so, it dawns on me. Why I'm so upset with Miku.

I feel too ashamed to look at Big Al as I say, "I'm jealous." I don't willingly add anymore, but he doesn't ask any questions. He simply waits for me to elaborate in my own time, which is pretty appreciated. "She stole Rin from me. Not that I ever had Rin in the first place. We barely talked in Britain because she was with her friends and we barely talk now because I'm with my friends. But..." I pause for a moment, then grit my teeth and say a little more angrily, "But she's still stolen Rin from me. She's practically convinced her I'm the devil!"

Big Al puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. I look up at him, bent over so he's a little more my height. "I'm sure Rin doesn't think you're the devil."

"I'm sure she does," I mutter glumly.

Big Al sighs and after a moment says, "What has Rin done then, to annoy you?"

I'm sure I look a little taken aback right now. "Who says I'm annoyed at Rin?" He simply raises an eyebrow at me so I mutter, "She's done nothing."

"Are you sure?" he asks with a frown. "You seem even more distant this past week."

"She's," I start but then I pause to think. She's taken Miku's side. She's yelled at me for getting her new friend in trouble. She had a go at me for the fact we're in America. She told our mum everything I did wrong. She stole my maths homework for the hundredth time and landed me in detention again with a teacher who hates me. "She's done nothing..."

I can't tell him. I just can't. Whatever Rin's done wrong, there's no doubt I've done worse. Whatever she's done can be forgiven by the fact she sacrificed everything to come to America with me, right?

Maybe not. But I'm such a lame arse I can't get Rin in trouble. I'd hate to see the look of betrayal on her face.

"Do you want me to talk to Rin?" Big Al asks and I quickly shake my head.

"Hell no," I say. "If she wants to be friends with Miku and not me, let her. I still have all my friends."

All. As if I have many. You may think I do, Miku might think I do, but to be honest? No, not really.

Wait to go, Len. Isn't self loathing just great?

Big Al sighs then eventually stands up, very nearly hitting his head on my ceiling. "I'll go tell Ann then that you're hungry, and maybe you should consider talking to Rin."

"Yeah, sure," I mutter as I flop back down on my bed, picking up my phone again.

Big Al leaves, the expression on his face suggesting he doesn't think talking to me was worth it. Perhaps it wasn't, but it has made me realise I'm jealous of Miku taking Rin. Not envious, but jealous. Rin's my sister, not hers.

A/N:

Oh, Big Al, you've just gone and made things worse. Trust me, it all goes down hill from here! Prepare for a hellish amount of depressing chapters, you have been warned! Len, my boy, hasn't anyone told you that jealousy is bad?

-Kate