CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

Over the next two months Commander Chakotay tried his best to recoup six and a half years of memories through the ship's database, the official First Officer's logs, his personal logs and Kathryn's official logs. It was not the ideal solution, but it had to help in the circumstances. The three days in the brig had been chastening, but he felt comfortable enough to assume his duties again on the bridge. He had been apprehensive, not certain how he would be received.

The senior officers, however, were the bridge builders Kathryn had assured him of and they made his merging with them as painless and as comfortable as they could. They greeted as if he had never had the accident and never suffered amnesia. He felt good about it and became more and more confident as he sat next to Kathryn.

Some days when she could see the hesitation in his eyes, or that flash of frustration, she simply leaned across and covered his hand. It gratified her when she could feel how the tension slowly left him. Then he'd become attentive again, ask questions, offer solutions. He came up with unique ones because his Maquis fighting strategies and evasive maneuvers remained uncorrupted. He remembered so many of those that Kathryn had sworn he had never thought of in the last years. Then she constantly cast surprised glances at him. The senior officers became so aware of this that during one run when Voyager had to take cover from a hostile fleet of vessels in Sector 6574, Harry Kim asked Chakotay direct and not Kathryn for any ideas on evading the enemy.

Chakotay routinely noted these ideas in his official logs for future reference.

"I think, Captain," Tom Paris suggested one time when they exited the bridge together, "that the Commander is better now than before - "

"For saying that I ought to consign you to the brig again, Tom," she replied, but there was a twinkle in her eyes. "I do need my Chakotay back. All of him, " she continued on a more sober note.

"And you shall, Captain!"

It also became easier for him to deal with the crew, because it was so strange getting to know them all over again. They never reminded him of things that he should know about them. It helped a great deal and although it was not the ideal, Chakotay didn't feel so detached as he had before.

His first meeting with Seven, however, had been something of a trauma. He had walked into the mess hall and saw her sitting with Harry Kim. He stiffened noticeably, and a strange sense of having known her before overcame him. He left the mess hall hurriedly and when he entered the nursery where Kathryn was busy feeding Tara, she had put the baby quickly in Marla's arms and walked to him. He had a raging headache again.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"That girl - Borg, Seven of Nine?"

"Yes, what about her?"

"Why do I feel connected to her?" He had frowned deeply when he spoke, rubbing his temples.

"Chakotay, sit down," Kathryn said firmly. "We had you connected in the regeneration chamber.," she continued as he sat down next to her. He nodded. He had read that in the logs. "But you had also been connected before, assimilated in a way, and I suppose that was what brought it on..."

"I don't like it, Kathryn," he said with quiet desperation.

She smiled gently. "No, you never liked it."

That had been one of the minor ripples. Chakotay had slipped quite easily into the duties that had been his to begin with.

"It's because I have been a First Officer before, Kathryn," he told her late one evening while they were both going over ship's reports and Chakotay was studying to reassign duties to various crewmembers.

"I know. You're doing fine, Chakotay," she replied, smiling as she said so. She appeared a little more relaxed, especially since he made a serious attempt not to disturb her with the headaches that still troubled him occasionally. His dreams were blankets of mists that he couldn't remember afterwards. About that he remained quiet.

"So, I was responsible for severing Seven of Nine from the Borg Collective..." he said again one day.

"You hated her in the beginning."

"I'm certain I still mistrust her. They don't change their nature. Scorpions."

"We had an almighty argument about that, Chakotay."

"You're going to tell me I disagreed with your decisions, right?"

Kathryn smiled and nodded. He leaned over and touched her cheek. "I am enjoying getting to know you again, Kathryn," he said soberly, his face serious as he looked her in the eyes. Her eyelids fluttered and she pushed a strand of hair away from her face, becoming suddenly engrossed in the PADD she was studying.

Chakotay sat back and studied Kathryn. He spoke the truth, he realised with some insight. The last two months had been a voyage of rediscovery for him. Kathryn was at pains not to pressure him too much. She kissed him lightly on the cheek when she retired for bed. It had become a nightly ritual and he wondered whether they had always done that. She liked to soak in a tub too and he found that somehow incongruous with the woman who commanded Voyager with such firmness and strength.

"It's one of my vices, Chakotay. You were very quick to find that out," she said the first time he had seen her come out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped round her. She had not been embarrassed, but Chakotay had not known where to look. She had walked up to him and squeezed his hand gently, reassuring him that it was okay.

"On a place called New Earth, right? We were stranded there for almost four months," he had said reflectively. He didn't pursue the matter again when he saw how Kathryn's eyes had clouded a little. In any case, he himself couldn't quite explain that feeling of sadness, like there was a void in his being which he need to fill when he mentioned New Earth. He sensed that New Earth had to be a turning point in their relationship. If not a turning point, then something that must have remained a burning issue between them.

Yes, he enjoyed getting to know his wife and baby again. Especially Kathryn. She had such expression in her eyes. He knew she was angry when her eyes turned from blue-grey to deep grey. That was when the last race they encountered made negotiations so difficult and she had trouble keeping her cool. When Voyager left that planet's space she had returned to their quarters, still simmering. He sat beside her on the couch and rubbed her arm, knowing that even though she might not want to talk immediately about it, she would later. He just kept on stroking her arm in a reassuring gesture that after a while he could see how the tension left her.

One evening, when Tara had been particularly fractious, crying the whole evening, he had taken the baby from Kathryn and rocked Tara until she became quiet again, falling asleep eventually in his arms. He had lain on his back on the couch and cradled Tara to him, talking to her, telling her little tales. When she slept he had remained like that for a short while before putting her back in her crib. Tara loved him, he was certain of that. She clung to him naturally, touching his tattoo, trying to pull his hair and laughed brightly when he tickled her or rocked her on his knee. Sometimes he carried her on his shoulders, running around the quarters that made her squeal with delight. Kathryn had tears in her eyes the first time he had done it.

"It's what you did all the time just before the accident, Chakotay," she said when he frowned at her tears. But her eyes had shone and he knew it was because she didn't tell him any of it. It was an action that had come spontaneously, something he always did.

One evening she was working late, catching up on work she had left to do the last minute. .

"Here, let me," he offered when he saw her rubbing her neck.

She turned and looked at him strangely. He didn't ask, but knew that she remembered a previous occasion when he had massaged her shoulders.

"Oh, that's so good," she murmured as he rubbed her tense neck muscles until they were pliant and relaxed again.

"I must have done this before, Kathryn," he said softly, his breath warm in her neck. She turned again to look at him and just nodded.

Several nights in the last two months he woke up in the dead of night, sweating profusely, gasping for air. Then Kathryn rushed to his side and rocked him until he became calm again. There would be no words spoken, but her touch and embrace, the way she held him was so reassuring that he was able to fall asleep again. And, he didn't go to the holodeck to sock Baby Jake.

The missing pieces of his puzzle still remained to him the source of his greatest frustration. He learned to temper it for he knew that his behaviour was affecting them. Tara sometimes burst wildly into tears when her parents came to heads in their quarters. They'd quickly back down and rush to the baby, Kathryn always so sweet in letting him pick Tara up and consoling the crying child. Then he'd feel the same guilt he had the day he knocked Kathryn unconscious, because they'd upset their baby. Later he would sit by Kathryn and just hold her hand and wipe tears that sometimes escaped down her cheek.

He still slept on the couch. About joining Kathryn in their bed was a thought that still troubled him. He had to take it one day at a time, like she said that day in sick bay after he knocked her out. One day at a time. He was doing it and getting more and more comfortable being in her company, sitting next to her, sometimes even holding her close in his embrace. On those occasions he could feel how she wanted to do more, press closer into him. She always backed off when he stiffened a little, not certain if he should follow through with kissing her like he nowadays wanted to do very badly. Perhaps she was still thinking of that first day when he had done so purely to test if he could remember her that way.

Chakotay felt better now and knew when to back away. He wanted to kiss her though. She was petit, beautiful, a little spitfire on the bridge and he knew that whatever there had been between them that had gone wrong, must have been because she found her duty greater than her personal life. That much he could gather from her official logs. Whenever he read those, he wondered how she could make time for Kathryn Janeway, for the warm and vibrant woman he could see she was, especially in their quarters where she could let her guard down. Reading those logs made him realise how difficult her task was, how great her mission to take them home, how much she lost of herself because she gave everything as the Captain of Voyager.

Chakotay sighed deeply. He came to realise that for Kathryn Janeway to make any sort of personal commitment such as giving her heart to a fellow officer, marrying and having children by that man was to have done something incredibly courageous. It could not have been easy for her. He realised that before his accident he must have been acutely aware of Kathryn's almost impossible task. Many a Starfleet officer would have deemed such fraternisation insurmountable. Reading her logs with a sort of detachment, as if he were an impartial person he understood her now more than in that life he couldn't remember.

Was that why there had been such a long time between his first offer of marriage and their marriage vows only two years ago? What were the circumstances two years ago that made it different from that first year when according to B'Elanna, he had proposed to Kathryn? Seska was no longer a factor, so what was between the lines that Kathryn wasn't telling him and that he couldn't sense anywhere reading the logs?

These missing pieces of the puzzle teased him so much that they gave him severe headaches which he tried to hide from her and the doctor. He knew the best option was to stop thinking about the past and get on with this new life. At some point when he felt confident enough that Kathryn wouldn't think he had ulterior motives, he would join her in their bed. He would kiss her and he would make love to her.

That thought made him smile. But it was late and Kathryn had risen some time ago from the couch. Tara was sleeping soundly. He had pyjama-drilled her in the last few weeks when she was teething again, something Kathryn had said he did so well when Tara sprouted her first teeth. He waited until Kathryn was out of the bathroom, and she walked to him to kiss him on the cheek.

"Good night," she said softly and she bent down to kiss him.

She smelled so good and he had trouble holding back. With some effort he managed to say just as lightly, "Good night, Kathryn..."

Chakotay woke from a sluggish, drug-like slumber when he heard crying. Thinking it was Tara, he jumped up, awake immediately, and was surprised when Tara was still sleeping soundly. Then he heard the crying again, more a moaning, he thought as he rushed to Kathryn's room. She was thrashing about restlessly and crying.

"Chakotay..." she gave a deep sob.

For a few seconds Chakotay stood rooted to the floor, and when Kathryn cried out again, he sat down on the edge of the bed and shook her gently awake.

"Kathryn...Kathryn...wake up..."

Kathryn opened her eyes slowly. She was lying on her back, the cover thrown off her and he fought to control his breathing when her creamy breast was revealed as the neckline of her nightie slipped down. But Kathryn stared at him with unseeing eyes as if she were seeing someone - him - in some hazy dream or not really seeing him.

"Help me, Chakotay," she cried.

Where was she? he wondered. What could make her voice sound so desperate, so forlorn and her eyes so full of fear?

"I'm here, Kathryn," he soothed as he lifted her to a sitting position and rocked her the same way she did so often with him in the last two months. His hand caressed her hair, and he smoothed the dampness away from her face. "What's wrong...?"

"I saw you. You were crying, Chakotay..." she cried softly as she nuzzled her face against his soft terry robe. Her arms clutched tighter around his waist.

"Where, Kathryn? Where did you see me?" he asked.

"I was injured and I saw you. There were tears. You never spoke about it afterwards...of your tears, never. And I - " she sobbed again before she continued, "I never told you I saw you."

He couldn't understand what she was referring to but he kept rocking her gently, knowing that she was fully awake and that she needed him to be there with her. His spoke in soft, gentle, calming tones, like he did with Tara. Kathryn's trembling, so violent at the start, gradually decreased until she became quiet. There was still the occasional sob and once, when she held her face away from him, he could see the tears glistening in her eyes.

"We crashed on a planet and I - I was dead for a few minutes..."

Chakotay nodded. He had read the logs pertaining to that accident. What were official logs but that it left out the emotional repercussions to those involved? Kathryn must have suffered, and he must have suffered. He felt an immense empathy for Kathryn, a blazing sensation in his heart that he could have reacted in the way Kathryn just said. He must have loved her deeply to have wept so and he must have been deeply afraid that he would lose her forever.

"I was afraid I could never tell you again..."

"Tell me what, Kathryn?" he asked.

"That- that my life was empty without you. That - that I would be too late - "

"Kathryn, we married. We have a little girl. She's over there, see? She's sleeping peacefully. And I'm here, with you. It wasn't too late, Kathryn. Never to late, you hear me?"

He had no idea where the words came from that he could so easily console her with, but she looked at him with such pathetic pleasure in her eyes that he pulled her into his embrace again.

"I never told you. I should have, Chakotay. It was too late...You - "

"Shhh, Kathryn, everything will be alright, you'll see. Everything..."

"It was all my fault, Chakotay. I loved you for so long, so hopeless, so long..."

Kathryn staring whimpering again and it was all Chakotay could do to try and comfort her. He slid under the covers with her and spooned her body to his. She curled herself so naturally into him that he was certain she was not aware of it, but it worked. Kathryn's body relaxed and her breathing became easier again, more calm than in the first throes of her dream. A long time he lay like that with her, wondering what had made her so afraid. If they did marry eventually, why were these things troubling her still?

"Chakotay..."

He thought she had drifted into sleep again. He was still awake and too aware that Kathryn's body was so soft and smooth as he pressed her to him. She had taken his hand and covered her breast with it. Chakotay was not surprised anymore. The action was natural, as if they had lain like that every night since their marriage. Only, he had no recollection or sense of it. Just, that it felt so right. It was good enough for him. Kathryn had given a deep sigh and became quiet again.

"Chakotay...?"

"Yes, Kathryn?"

"Don't - don't leave me, please..."

Was that what her nightmare had been about? He pressed her closer to him, and he felt for the first time a deep stirring in his loins. Trying to bank it down, he gave up. This was his wife, but right now, she needed his solace, his nearness, and that was enough, more than enough.

"I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart," he whispered, his breath fanning her neck.

Kathryn gave another deep sigh and then everything was quiet. When Kathryn's eyes opened again, it was morning and she sensed something. She was lying on her back, and his face was close to hers. His leg was draped over hers. Chakotay smoothed a few strands of hair from away from her face. For a moment she was disoriented, not remembering why he was in bed with her, but her heart beat wildly with excitement. He was with her in their bed and his body felt so warm and reassuring against hers. It felt...right. Then she remembered how distraught she had been during the night. Her eyes became soft at the way he looked at her. There was a question in his eyes, as if he had been mulling over some things all the while he had lain next to her and comforted her. With some insight she realised that he hadn't slept at all.

"Chakotay?"

"Tell me, Kathryn," he asked without preamble, "what happened two years ago?"

Chakotay looked expectantly at her, holding his breath as he waited for an answer. Kathryn closed her eyes for a few painful seconds and when she opened them again, they were filled with tears. She raised herself on her elbow. Her fingers traced the outline of his tattoo. She bent down and kissed him, her lips brushing his lightly.

"I asked you to marry me, Chakotay," she said softly. He was stunned for a second, and before he could respond, she added, "And, you rejected my offer."

"Just like that?" he asked.

"Just like that."

END CHAPTER TWENTY ONE