Pathetic, Crazy, Sane

Saturday, June 6, 1992

Pathetic.

Less than twelve hours without his son, and he was a pathetic, lost mess.

As Robbie and Rachel had driven away this morning, he felt a wave of panic sweep over him. To not be watching over Robbie-to not be able to see him and touch him-made him feel helpless, powerless, panicked.

Pathetic.

He had thrown himself into work, predictably. The plan was to work upstairs, on the apartment, to take advantage of Robbie not being around. But the weather had turned hot and humid yesterday, more like August than June, and today was even worse. Downstairs was marginally cooler, so downstairs he stayed.

He worked on the counter – he was building it out to seat six on one side and store multiple items on the other, and also on the counter and shelving opposite it, against the wall. It was hard, hot, absorbing work, and he sweated and cursed and only stopped long enough to gulp down water, eat a little food, and periodically douse his head and face with cold water. With the doors open wide due to the heat, he used his grumpiness to hold off any visitors and would-be chatters, growling at one and all.

As he worked, he thought about Robbie. Logically, he knew he was fine. Yesterday morning as planned, Rachel and he had told him their decision to get divorced. Robbie had asked some questions, and stayed close by one or the other of them all morning, but he had been fine going to school, and fine playing with Rory in the afternoon. Rachel and the kids headed out on a walk, to go exploring and take some pictures. Luke had taken the opportunity to call Mia and let her know their decision. Still alone when Lorelai came to get Rory, Luke broke the news to her as well. She'd barely had time to tell him she was sorry and that she'd tell Rory later, when the adventurers returned, all in good cheer.

So everyone was fine. They were getting divorced, the key people knew the news, and Robbie was happy to go off with Rachel this morning, excited to see his cousins again so soon.

Everyone was fine except him.

He was pathetic.

Now it was evening, he was too tired to work anymore, and he had no idea what to do with himself. The humidity was pressing down even more heavily, but a shower had helped him cool off a little. He stood in a t-shirt and boxers at the open front window of his darkened apartment, looking out over the quiet streets, missing his son and feeling pathetic.

What would other guys, normal guys, do on a night like this? Call a buddy, hit the bars?

He wished he was like other guys. Here he was. 27. Young, strong, healthy. No sex in almost 2 months. Marriage over, child away for the weekend. He should go out, he should go get laid.

He contemplated that for a moment. Where would he go, how could he make that happen?

27, and never a one night stand. Pathetic?

I mean, he knew how it worked. He'd been out with guys from work at bars a few times, when he was 19, 20, 21. He'd been eyed, he'd had women try to buy him drinks, come on to him.

He wondered if there'd be much action at Joe's sports bar. Nah, better to not potentially humiliate himself in front of a friend. Woodbridge? There was a bit of a singles scene over there, he knew. Restaurants with bars and a few small clubs on the artsy, funky side of town.

Who was he fooling?

There was a reason he'd never had a one night stand, and never would. For a long time that reason was Rachel. On-again, off-again, but never willing to throw his affection away on a cheap, brief encounter. He'd had other girlfriends, some for longer than others, but he wasn't one to sleep around casually. He'd never been. But what was the reason now? He was almost single. Practically single.

Lorelai.

Ironically, he'd been single, in a way, a lot of his marriage. Now, at the end, he had already given his heart to someone else. But he didn't know if he had hers. He hoped, but he didn't know. Couldn't find out. Not yet.

And if the prospect of sleeping with his wife made him feel like he was cheating on Lorelai, how would sleeping with someone else make him feel?

No, no one night stand for him.

Besides, if fate had it in for him, making a baby with a virtual stranger was infinitely worse than making one with his soon-to-be ex-wife.

Screw this. No sex for him, fine. But he needed to get out of here, be around people. He pulled on a pair of khakis, figuring they were lighter than jeans, and a light blue oxford shirt over his T-shirt, fastening just a few of the buttons. Wallet, keys, and he was off, headed for K.C.'s, a cold beer, and some human contact.

Outside was still sultry. It seemed likely there'd be thunderstorms before the night was over.

Inside the bar, it was blessedly cool and dark. And pretty empty. It wasn't quite 9 o'clock yet. He took a seat at the bar, a couple of stools down from where other people sat. He wanted to be around other people, not necessarily talk to them.

"Hey Luke, heard you were back in town. What'll you have?" asked Will Cheney, the bartender.

"Whatever beer's coldest, Will."

Will had been on the track team with Luke back in high school, a couple of years ahead of him. They chatted a bit, Luke mostly watching the Sox game. He could hear that the bar was filling up a bit, but he didn't turn around to see if he knew anyone coming in. He drank his beer slowly, and ate some peanuts and pretzels, not really wanting to be drunk.

With about a quarter of his glass left, Will brought him another one. Luke held up his hand, "Not ready yet, Will, trying to pace myself."

"I'm just following orders, from two ladies over there."

Oh God, Luke thought, not in Stars Hollow. He turned to look where Will was pointing, and saw Lorelai and Sookie at a table, waving and giggling.

She was here. His heart leapt in happiness, his brain tried to scold his heart back into submission, and as he approached their table, fresh beer in hand, and saw what Lorelai was wearing, he was grateful to be able to sit down quickly before any other unruly parts of his anatomy got into the act.

Her hair was swept up casually, tendrils escaping to curl around her face and along her now exposed neck. She wore a loose pink see-through blouse over a tight-fitting lacy white tank top, and a short black skirt, made out of some thin material suitable for the heat. A quick glance down her long, bare legs revealed dark pink painted toes in black sandals with a slight heel.

She looked amazing.

"Hey sailor," she said, laughing. "Never thought we'd find you here on a Saturday night."

"I've never seen you in a skirt before," Luke blurted out.

"Um, okay..." Lorelai laughed again and glanced at Sookie, who smiled.

"Hey, Luke."

"Hey, Sookie."

"And you have seen me in a skirt, well, a dress anyway, I was in a sundress at the barbecue at the Inn."

That was true, Luke realized. He must have blocked that out as part of the self-denial campaign of that weekend. "Oh, and I guess I saw you in a dress on Easter too, but that wasn't all...short...like this one..." He shook his head. "Sorry, I…" He had no idea what he was apologizing for. "Um, hey, thanks for the drink."

"Our pleasure," Sookie said. "We couldn't believe it was you, thought we'd see if we could fluster you by thinking some Stars Hollow lady was hitting on you."

"Yeah, well, it has been a while since anyone's tried to buy me a drink."

"How are you even here?" Lorelai asked. "Who's with Robbie?"

"He's with Rachel for the weekend. She drove him down to New Jersey to her sister's."

"Oh, wow, are you okay? I know you said you're hardly away from him, I know I'd be a mess."

"I am a mess. A pathetic, childless mess."

"Aw, you two are such good parents," said Sookie. "Let's drink to good parents!"

She held her glass up and Luke and Lorelai joined in and clinked.

"So what brings you two out tonight?" Luke asked them.

"Mia kicked us out..."

"Yup, just showed up at my house," Sookie interrupted Lorelai, "where we were happily settling in for a girls-only movie night, and she said Lorelai and I had to go out, she would stay with Rory."

"Well, that sounds kind of bossy, even for her. Why does she care what you do on a random Saturday night?" Luke asked.

Lorelai jumped back in. "Sookie left out the part where her boyfriend broke up with her this week and this was our third night in a row of wallowing."

"Wallowing?"

"Where you indulge all your post-breakup sadness by watching sappy movies and eating lots of sugar and grease."

"Wow, that sounds…horrifying, actually." Luke said. He turned to Sookie, "You doing okay?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, it wasn't some epic romance or anything, but I liked him. We had fun. So it stings a little, yeah."

"Why'd he break up with you?"

"Not enough time together. Said it was too hard to just get togther and have fun, what with my weekend work schedule and all."

"That stinks. Sorry."

"Oh, well, thanks. Que sera sera." Sookie held up her glass again. "To handling break-ups philosophically," she declared.

"Here, here!" They all clinked and drank again.

"So how about you, why aren't you with Rachel and Robbie?" Sookie asked. She glanced over at Lorelai, who was giving her a small shake of her head.

Luke smiled at Lorelai. "It's okay." He turned back to Sookie. "We're, um, getting divorced."

"What?" Sookie asked surprised. She looked at Luke with concern, then over at Lorelai, who was studying her beer closely. "Did you know this already?" she asked Lorelai.

Lorelai nodded and started to reply, but Luke jumped in. "Yeah, Robbie spilled the possibility to Rory, earlier in the week, and Rory got really upset 'cause she's entranced with Rachel. So we had to have a whole discussion about it with both kids. And I promised to tell Rory as soon as we decided and had told Robbie, and it was Thursday night that we decided and Friday morning that we told him so then when I got Rory on Friday and then Lorelai came to pick her up…"

"Luke, stop, it's no big deal," Sookie said.

"Yeah, Luke!" Lorelai glared at him playfully, but also kicked him under the table, presumably to let him know he was being a babbling idiot.

"Oh, well, anyway. It's decided, we're getting divorced."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Well, it's been brewing for a long time. Fundamentally it's because her work kept us from being...together enough." He trailed off, suddenly realizing the parallel to Sookie's situation.

Lorelai giggled.

Sookie smiled. "Ouch…but a tad more serious in your case, so again, I'm sorry."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

Sookie held up her beer once more, "To finding romantic partners with compatible schedules!"

"Here, here!"

"Time to play pool," Sookie declared, placing her now empty glass on the table.

"Pool?"

"Yup. And I'm a shark, so be afraid. But you had a nice ass in high school, which I'm now free again to ogle, and I'm going to do just that while we play. And also, I'll be kicking said ass."

"Well, who can turn that down. Lorelai?"

"No, I'll just…watch," she said with a smile.

"Watch Luke's ass, he's almost a free man now too, so it's okay," Sookie said breezily as she got up from the table and headed to the back room where there were two pool tables and a blaring jukebox. Luke stood up and gestured for Lorelai to go ahead of him, suddenly self-conscious of his backside. Of course that allowed him to view Lorelai's backside, and her long, long legs in her fairly short skirt. He swallowed.

Sookie was good. He was no match for her on the trash talking she quickly began to engage in, though he kept up with her for a while in the game. But he was rusty, having not played much pool since Robbie was born, and he was distracted. Distracted because he had the sense that Lorelai really was ogling his ass, every time he bent over to take a shot. And he in turn was distracted by her. Her legs, specifically, which were gracefully crossed over each other as she perched on a nearby stool and alternated between egging on Sookie's teasing and trying to get Luke to fight back.

He wished again that he was a normal guy, able to relax and enjoy the ideal situation he was now in. Out with the woman he was interested in, who seemed more and more like she was interested back. Chaperoned by her best friend, since in the eyes of the town he was still a happily married man, so it all looked innocent.

A normal guy would flirt, and maybe figure out a way to clandestinely get laid after all. Instead, he was wary. Certain that it was wrong to get involved with Lorelai so quickly, to give rise to even a hint that she had anything to do with the breakup of his marriage, which would become common knowledge soon enough. He knew his better angels would win out, always, but God, sometimes he wished it weren't so.

"Loser buys the next round," Sookie was saying, pointing back towards the main room.

Luke woke up from his internal debate. He had indeed lost. He hung up his pool cue and replied, "Sure thing. I'm almost done though, maybe just a half pitcher?"

"Sounds good. We're hitting the ladies room, meet you back at our table."

Their original table was full, Luke realized as he stood with a half pitcher and three glasses in hand. The bar had filled up. He looked around, catching Lorelai and Sookie on their way back into the room.

"Oh, there's one over there," Sookie said. She led them to a corner, where there was a two-seat leather settee built into the wall, with a small table drawn up in front of it but no chairs. "It's too small, let's go back to the pool room," Lorelai suggested.

"Nonsense – you two are skinny, squeeze on the bench there and I'll grab a chair for me." And she was gone again. Luke and Lorelai looked at each other warily, and sat down, leaving as much distance between them as they could without falling off their respective sides.

Sookie was back with a bowl of peanuts in addition to the chair, and they settled in for their final round. Declaring that it was time for break-up stories, current ones excluded, Sookie started them off with the tale of a heart she broke at the CIA. Lorelai and Luke each took a turn, and then Sookie launched into a long meandering tale of an on-again, off-again summer romance from her high school years. She appeared to be drunker than Lorelai and Luke, and they were content to let her ramble on. They nodded and made sympathetic noises in the right spots.

Luke was distracted again. Though perhaps that was the wrong word. He was wholly absorbed, just not in Sookie's story. He was instead concentrating on the feel of Lorelai's thigh, gradually pressing closer and closer against his.

And, he was listening to his better angel battle it out with the devil inside.

It was a fairly straightforward argument, really. The devil said, touch her. Touch her leg. Feel for just one second how soft her skin probably is. The angel said no, that's a recipe for trouble, and what if she's not doing it deliberately?

Yes, no, yes, no.

"But my God," Sookie was saying, "he was SO hot."

Just as she said that, Lorelai pressed her leg even more closely against Luke's, and involuntary or not, it seemed a pretty clear response to the word hot, no? The devil gloated as Luke oh so casually moved his left hand to his lap while using his right hand to raise his beer to his mouth. He swallowed, and moved his hand to her warm, delicious knee, and slowly, oh so slowly, traced his pinky along the exquisitely soft skin along the inside of her knee to where her thigh began.

"Oh God," said Lorelai, a little too loudly, in a voice drenched with... desire said the devil. Warning, said the angel.

"What's the matter?" asked Sookie.

"Oh, God, I just…realized the time," Lorelai stammered.

Luke used that excuse to look at his watch and at the same time bring his other hand back above the table. "Oh, yeah, it is getting late."

"I should get back so Mia can head home, Sookie. But you can stay, if you want."

"Oh no, I'm fine. I need to drink some water and pee a bunch so I can be up and at 'em early in the morning."

"I'll walk you home," Luke said, holding Sookie's arm as she rose somewhat unsteadily from her chair. She smiled and and gathered her purse, as Lorelai did the same. Luke gestured them to precede him, and lightly placed his hand on the small of Lorelai's back. Told you, said the angel. Try and stop touching her now. Shut up, said the devil.

They exited out into the still-muggy night. A slight breeze ruffled a few leaves and a distant flicker of lightning drew their eyes.

"Storms a comin'," Sookie said ominously, making Lorelai giggle.

"Do you and Rory need a ride home?" Luke asked.

"No, we're crashing at Sookie's. No need to move Rory, she's probably sound asleep. Thanks, though, that's nice of you."

Yes, said the angel, bitter now. How nice of you to inquire as to whether she'll be free to leave her daughter with her friend and come spend the night with you.

"Here we are, safe and sound," Sookie announced. "Want to come up, Luke?"

"Better not," he said, not daring to look at Lorelai. Somehow he had a feeling a not-drunk Mia might be faster to pick up on the vibe between them than Sookie was.

"Thanks for walking us, Luke. And thanks for hanging out. And for letting me kick your ass at pool. Not that you let me win, mind you, but you were willing to engage in a futile effort to compete with me, and I appreciate that."

Luke smiled. "Thanks, I had fun."

"Let me give you a big hug, poor getting-divorced guy." She threw her arms around him.

"Thanks, Sookie."

"Lorelai, hug him too. He's sad, plus he's missing Robbie."

Lorelai stepped forward and hugged him lightly. Luke's mind raced with what to do, what to say, to prolong the hug, prolong the night. All he could seem to do was smell her hair, and when she registered that's what he was doing, he felt her stiffen slightly, then relax against him for one fleeting second, and then it was over.

"Thanks, Luke," she said softly. "I had fun too."

He backed up a few steps, raising his hand in a wave as Sookie fumbled with the key to the front door of her apartment building. He used the extra few seconds to rake his eyes over Lorelai once again. God, she was beautiful. God, he wanted her.

"Got it! Bye now!" Sookie called. He waved again, and forced himself to turn away. As soon as he reached the corner and was out of sight, he ran. He ran across the green, up the diner steps, let himself in, locked the door, dashed up the stairs, and cursed as he fumbled with the keys to the apartment door. He flung it open, and headed straight to the window where he stood as before, this time keeping vigil.

Crazy.

It was crazy for him to think she would make an excuse to follow him. It was crazy of him to think that she might sneak out, leave Rory with Sookie, to be with him. It was crazy to think that he needed to stand here at the window, staring at the corner where she might appear, with a soft light on in his apartment so she would know he was awake, waiting for her.

Crazy, but not impossible?

He was pretty sure now that she wanted him too.

And she knew he was alone. And Sookie was there for her daughter. And she had moaned. She had moaned at the touch of a single finger. Imagine how she might sound if…

He wanted to hear her again, to make her sound like that again.

What would he do, if he actually saw her crossing the square? He would raise his hand, make sure she knew he was waiting for her, hoping for her. She would see him and start running, or more likely play it cool and stroll casually, and he would go down and open the diner door for her and lock it behind her and resist the temptation to touch her, kiss her, right there. But as soon as they were in the apartment, god. He would push her up against the door and kiss her, and would not be able to stop his hand from reaching for her thigh, lifting it up, and pressing himself into her…

He leaned his head against the cool glass, and shut his eyes for just a second. But he opened them again quickly, training them back on the corner.

There was no way she would come to him. No way. But he was fairly certain she was at least thinking about it.

He was crazy to even think about it it. Still he waited.

Waited and waited and tried to control his lustful thoughts.

Nothing. No one. Alone. Crazy.

A sudden crash of thunder overhead startled him from his open-eyed trance. He had heard but not fully registered the approaching storm, and now it was here. A flash of lightning was followed by another loud clap of thunder, and it began to rain. Sheets of it, pouring down over the dark deserted streets.

She wouldn't come now. She wouldn't come out in this, wouldn't leave a possibly wakeful, scared Rory.

He thought about Robbie, then. Wondered if the storm had hit New Jersey earlier, if he had woken up, if he had been lost and confused in a strange room. He hoped Rachel wasn't too far away from him.

The rain began to taper and the corner was visible again.

She's not coming. Go to sleep.

He weaned himself away from the window gradually. After loading his toothbrush with paste, he walked back over to the window to check as he brushed. Washed his face, checked again. Stripped back down to his boxers and T-shirt, used the bathroom, looked one last time...then finally laid down on the couch.

If Lorelai had come, they'd be on this couch now, together. They'd be on the couch, and he would be single-mindedly working to ensure her pleasure before his. He wasn't sure how much sexual experience she'd had since Christopher – he hoped to God she'd had some better. But just in case, and even if she had, he'd make up to her those three, short, unsatisfactory encounters she had described. Then, and only then, would he give in for himself.

His mind played over so many images, and his body begged for relief. He tossed and turned and tried to resist, but his brain would not turn off.

Lorelai, above him, wearing only the white tank top. No, just the gauzy pink shirt. Lorelai, beneath him, saying "Oh God" in his ear, over and over again.

Why was he resisting? The images kept coming, he couldn't stop them now.

He gave in.

Afterwards, he slept.

He woke up a few hours later to another storm. He thought about Robbie again, hoped he was sleeping peacefully. He got up to use the bathroom and drink a glass of water. He reflexively crossed to the window, staring out at the rain until he finished his water and the worst of the storm had passed.

"Daddy, help, help!"

"Robbie, oh my God."

Robbie was in the pool, the deep end, flailing his arms and calling for him. Luke was frozen, staring out the kitchen windows, not understanding how Robbie got out there.

"Daddy! Mommy! Help me!"

Where was Rachel?

"I'll get you, Robbie!" Jess ran across the patio and jumped in, sinking immediately to the bottom.

"Jess, Robbie, no!"

Luke was finally running, running toward the pool.

He woke with a start, gasping for breath, heart pounding. He sat up and looked wildly around the apartment. He turned on a light, and crossed over to pick up the phone, to make sure it was working. The dial tone calmed him just a little. He sank down into a nearby chair, clasping his hands behind his head and willing himself to calm down and think rationally. If anything was wrong, Rachel would call him. If Robbie was upset, needed him, she would call, no matter the time. He had told her that and she had promised. And he had told her how worried he was about the pool. And she had reassured him, on the phone once they arrived, that Robbie knew the rules, that Becky had childproof locks on all the doors that even a smart almost-five-year-old could not figure out. And he would always be in her sight.

He was breathing a little more slowly now.

God, he was exhausted.

A lawyer. He needed a lawyer.

An hour later, he was still awake.

He had drifted off for maybe five minutes, but woke again thinking about lawyers. Because what if the divorce wasn't as amicable as she said? What if Rachel decided Robbie should live with two parents and siblings and tried to get custody for her sister? What if her casual assurance that she would happily leave Robbie with him and shuttle back and forth to Stars Hollow whenever she could was a lie? Maybe Becky and Dan were talking to her this weekend, challenging her trust in him, his parenting.

Crazy.

He was going crazy. But, a lawyer. Maybe it would be smart to talk to one of his own, not leave it to Rachel to find out all the information. He should be smart. He might be crazy, but there was no reason to be stupid, too.

He rolled onto his side, his back supported against the back of the couch. He'd call Joe on Monday, see who he had used for his divorce. Maybe he knew of a tolerable lawyer. Comforted with this simple plan, Luke drifted off.

He could smell her hair. She smelled good. He could feel her against him, his back still against the back of the couch, her back to his front, his arms wrapped around her, his face buried in her hair that smelled like…vanilla? Some type of flower?" She smelled good.

Luke opened his eyes to the early morning light, without Lorelai in his arms. It had felt so real.

What if he had left Rachel sooner? Never married her? Just brought Robbie back with him to Stars Hollow when he was…six months old? A year? Three years old?

Would he and Lorelai be together? Married even? Would he wake up every morning with her in his arms, in their bed?

What if?

Surely the path to madness started with that question.

He slept again.

Sanity returned with a ringing phone and Robbie's voice.

"Daddy? Are you okay? Was the thunder loud there? It woke me up and I ran across the hall to Mommy's room and she sang the lullaby and promised we could call you first thing in the morning."

"Hey buddy. I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm good. I had fun yesterday. But I miss you."

"I miss you too. What are you going to have for breakfast?"

"Maybe banana pancakes, Aunt Becky said. She said they're Jack's favorite. Amanda cries a lot."

"Babies do that sometimes."

"Yeah. Am I coming back today?"

"Yes, later today. But have fun with your cousins first."

"I will. Was the thunder loud there?"

"It was."

"Were you scared?"

"Nope. But I was thinking about you, hoping you weren't scared."

"I was, but Mommy made me not scared, and sleepy again."

"That's good."

"I'm hungry. Here's Mommy."

"Hey Luke."

"Hey. Thunder woke him up, huh? I thought it might."

"Oh yeah. He was sleeping in Jack's room, so I stayed in the guest room just across from him, and he came running right across."

"That's good. He fall back asleep quickly?"

"Once I promised him we could call you in the morning. He misses you."

"I miss him."

"Thank you for letting me bring him here. It's been good so far. But maybe a little soon for you two to be apart?"

"I'll be okay."

"Just as soon as you see him again."

Luke smiled. "Yeah."

"So listen, we were going to take them out for the day yesterday but it was so beastly hot we just stayed by the pool instead."

"Make sense."

"Anyway, since it's so nice out now, Becky wants to take us to a park about a half hour from here. It has a petting zoo, and a miniature train ride, and a carousel."

"Sounds fun."

"I was thinking, since it's already on the way north, Robbie and I will just leave from there after lunch, for Stars Hollow. I think Robbie will probably nap since he was up in the middle of the night. It's better if he sleeps early to mid afternoon, right? Easier for you to get him to sleep?"

"Probably."

"Okay, then. I'll call you from the park before we leave, so you'll know when to expect us."

"Great. Thanks, Rachel."

"No problem. See you later, Luke."

Sanity.

He'd see his son, in less than eight hours hopefully. Luke smiled, and sat down on the couch. It was early, and the air was blessedly cool. He laid down for just a little bit, enjoying the peace, inside and out.

Sane. (Maybe still a little pathetic, and maybe a little crazy too.)

Sleep.

Deep, peaceful, real sleep.