Notes: Hello people, sorry for the delay. I really am, but I got so much going on in my life that I barely find the time to write. So so sorry, but I hope that'll change these days.
Thanks to my lovely reviewers Gabe97, HeartyMedusa, geoavenger and Guest for reviewing the last chapter. Hope this chapter won't disappoint :-)
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Something stirred and he slowly opened his eyes only to feel the presence of someone else next to him. He turned his head only to see Shepard smiling shyly at him. He smiled shyly too, and even though he thought about what to say he didn't know what to say or do. He swallowed hard as she prompted her body on her elbow so she could look at him.
"Hey..." Her voice was a mere shaky whisper and Kaidan wondered if he wasn't the only one who's confused. He managed to smile back when he hesitantly tightened his grip around her.
"Hey..." She blushed and lowered her head a little, her chin leaned on his chest now. She was so beautiful and Kaidan couldn't bring himself to look away. She smiled again before she placed her hand on his chest, somehow feeling he regretted something so she had to show him that she wanted it, just as much as him.
"Kaidan...I don't regret this...us." She said as she took his hand and placed it on her chest where he could feel her even and calm heartbeat. Kaidan smiled weakly as he looked at his hand on her chest.
"I don't regret it either, Jane. And I'm so happy you don't regret it too." She chuckled a little as she leaned forward to plant a sweet kiss on his lips. His eyes fell shut when he felt the soft pressure, and his heart leapt again. She broke the kiss and smiled before she stood up from the bed, wrapping a sheet around her body before she walked into her bathroom. Kaidan took the moment to think again.
He didn't know what to do; should he just tell her how he feels, or should he keep silent until this is all over? He didn't know the answer, and that freaked him out. He sat up and looked around the room. His bag was still on the floor, filled with things that reminded him of Rahna and the time he spent around her. He looked at their clothes on the floor, and remembered how it came to...this. He felt strange for knowing that Shepard didn't regret it, yet it made him happy. He let out a heavy, content sigh, his mind somehow torn apart. One part was yelling at him for breaking the regs against fraternization and for sleeping with his CO. Yet, the other part was calm and happy because it happened. He decided to listen to the part of mind that enjoyed the making love with her.
He stood up and put on his boxers before he sat down on the bed, then browsed the network a little on his omni-tool as he heard the shower in the background. He shook his head to banish the thought of going with her into the shower. They still didn't get to that point, and he wanted to give her a little space for herself, maybe even give her time to think. Kaidan knew that this could mean nothing, yet it could mean everything. Maybe both felt the attraction to each other, and maybe it was nothing more. Just a attraction.
Only later, after they kill Saren and destroy Sovereign, will they know if that was more than just sexual attraction. Kaidan already knew he cared for her, deeply, he was just afraid to say it out loud yet. He could, but he feared that would only push her away. He sighed and shook his head when he saw nothing new on the extranet. He sat there, silently staring at the floor and thinking. Then he heard the shower turning off and he smiled, he ran his hand through his hair, excited to see her again. He heard the door sliding open but he didn't turn, he waited for her to get close to him. He waited and waited, but she wouldn't come next to him. He panicked, so he turned around on the bed to look at her.
"Jane?" He called her name, his voice shaking and trembling when he saw her wide eyes staring at the corner of her room. She was pale as paper, she shook, a large towel was wrapped around her wet body. Kaidan swallowed hard and stood up slowly, because he was afraid he would scare her. He looked at the direction she was looking at, but saw nothing. Then he looked back at her and saw her taking backwards steps until her back reached the wall. His heartbeat quickened, he took deep shaky breaths not to start panicking as he realized that she could maybe see something. He froze. This was the first time that it happened around him, and he didn't know what to do or say to make it go away.
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The hot water eased her muscles and it burned her skin. It relaxed her a lot and she used the time to think. She still couldn't believe that this really happened, that she really slept with Kaidan. A smile appeared on her face. She never would've thought that this would happen, yet it happened and she thought her heart would jump out of her chest by the thought of it. She felt butterflies in her stomach. Butterflies. She didn't even remember if she ever felt them before.
No body ever made her feel like Kaidan, and even though they met under rough and strange circumstances, she still knew that he was special to her. Special. She wondered if she was in love with him or was it just pure sexual attraction. She wondered what will happen to them after they beat Saren. Would there still be that spark between them? Or is that spark only temporarily because of the situation they are in now? Shepard desperately hoped that this wasn't just a spark that would vanish as soon as this is over.
She turned off the shower and took a large towel to wrap around her wet body. She did that on purpose, hoping that he would ravish her again. She was certain that both would be much more relaxed now then the first time. She let her hair loose from the bun and walked back into her quarters, Kaidan was sitting on the bed, his back turned to her as he ran a hand through his hair. She wondered what he was thinking about. But then she had to stop.
Her blood turned to ice in her veins when she looked at the corner of the room, seeing a very bloody little Shepard sitting in the corner, her legs stretched and spread, her hands at her sides while her eyes looked up to her. Her face was full with deep cuts as well as her hands and legs, the blood seeping down her wounds. Her eyes were narrowed, her small lips pursed tightly together as she just sat there, never taking her eyes off of her. She still had pigtails, her favourite white shirt with a red ribbon around her neck and the small blue skirt. Her eyes were deadly, never looking away from her. Suddenly everything was just too much. She took a backwards step, then another, until her back hit the wall.
"Jane?" She heard Kaidan calling her, she heard the hesitation in his voice, the fear, but she couldn't answer him. Her eyes were fixed on that bloody hallucination and she couldn't look away. Her heart beat so fast she thought it would explode, her mind frantic and repeating the words 'she is not real' over and over. She saw Kaidan taking two steps towards her, then he stopped and reached a hand out to her.
"Jane?" Then little Shepard moved abruptly, lifting her small head so Shepard could see her face better, not that she wanted to. She gasped and jumped a little when the hallucination did that, her back glued to the wall. Kaidan jumped a little as well, not knowing what she was going through or what not. He took another step, then another until he stood next to her. He knew he had to somehow made her look away from that corner and whatever she's seeing there.
"Jane look at me."
'Yes Jane. Look at him. I dare you.'
Her voice was bearing a note of threat, Shepard didn't dare to look at him. Instead she hugged her waist and stared wide eyed at the little girl. Kaidan swallowed hard and reached his hand out for her, but he didn't touch her, afraid to maybe scare her.
"Jane..." He continued to talk something, but it was muffled by little Shepard's voice.
'Look at him...pretending he cares. He just wants another round Jane. Don't you get it? He's only nice to you so he can use you again.'
Shepard shook her head and Kaidan realized she couldn't hear him. He was desperate, he didn't know what to do so he called her name again.
"Jane please look at me. I'm begging you."
'You are so pathetic Jane. You are a soldier, he's your subordinate! How could you sleep with him?! You broke the rules, and now you will be punished!'
"Please stop..." Shepard whispered as she ranked her hands in her hair, her eyes wide and watery. Her entire body was shaking and Kaidan's heart broke at the sight. He dared and put his hands on her upper arms, still standing next to her.
"Shepard!" He shook her shoulders slightly but to no avail. She was trapped, little Shepard still spoke words of hate and madness to her.
'You failed as a soldier Jane! You failed as Commander and you failed as friend! Do you know why you failed as friend?!'
"I don't wanna hear it..." She whispered and begged, but little Shepard just smiled wickedly as she slowly stood up from the floor. Bones tore her skin apart and they were sticking out in a disgusting way as she moved. She stood on her feet now and smiled almost insanely, before she spoke again.
'Because you left Ashley to die only so you can have your own pleasure! You couldn't save her and you failed! And you've slept with your subordinate! You're worthless!'
That was enough for Shepard. She cried out loud when she took the datapad from the desk next to her and threw it on the corner were her demon was. When the datapad broke to pieces with a loud crack she finally broke free of the trance. She blinked rapidly when she slowly started to realize what the hell just happened. And then she saw Kaidan.
Pure horror was written on his face while he watched her, standing there frozen and pale and never looking away. Kaidan saw she stopped seeing things because her eyes lighted up and they met his. He stopped in front of her and tried to embrace her, but she just punched his chest and refused to let him hug her. Without hesitation he grabbed her hands and pressed her hard to his body to embrace her. She shook violently and cried as his strong arms held her, making her feel protected and safe. Soon, his hug soothed her worries away, then she wrapped her hands around his waist, clinging desperately to him because she was afraid to see little Shepard again. After a while he broke the embrace and cupped her face to make her look at him, her face wet and her lip quivering.
"Jane it's okay. You're safe, I'm here." Shepard looked through him again, her eyes and face distant.
"Kaidan..." Her mouth was open but the words wouldn't come out. Then she blinked a few times to clear her vision a little, and finally she found her voice again. "...I can't take it anymore." Kaidan wiped her tears away with his thumbs as he gazed deep into her eyes, trying to look and sound as reassuring as possible.
"I know Jane. I know, but you have to be strong." Shepard smiled weakly at that, tears rolling down her face as she gripped his shoulders hard, yanking him a little closer to her.
"I can't...I want it to stop." She looked away and closed her eyes shut, but Kaidan wouldn't have it. He cupped her face again and forced her to look at him because he feared that she might want to hurt herself.
"No no no, Jane, look at me." He gazed deep into her empty eyes, seeing that the will already left her. "You have to stay strong." She grabbed his collar and yanked him closer as the fire returned to her eyes, but it wasn't the fire of determination. It was the fire of bitterness and loneliness.
"For who? Everyone has abandoned me..." Kaidan knew what he had to say, he just didn't know if he was ready to say it.
"Jane-"
"I don't have anyone, except that hallucination." She lowered her head and cried loudly, her hands gripping his collar and refusing to let go. She shook badly and Kaidan's heart broke at her speech. But he knew he had to show her that she isn't alone.
"You have me."
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Slowly, she raised her head to look at him, to meet his chocolate brown eyes. Kaidan gazed deep into them, the life and fire he always knew she carried within her returned. She calmed down as his words reached her mind.
"What?" She dared to ask, thinking she didn't hear him right. When he cupped her face and gazed even deeper into her eyes she knew he wasn't lying. She knew he was serious about this.
"You have me." He swallowed hard, his hands shaking because he didn't know if he would upset her further, but he had to say it to at least try and calm her down. "You're not alone Jane. You have your crew, your friends...and you have me. We all care about you a lot." She smiled weakly as she lowered her gaze to his chest. His hands moved to take her hands in his to give them a tight squeeze, to show her he cares. She could feel his hands shake a little as they stood there, silently enjoying each others presence. Shepard never stopped smiling as she recalled his words, she had him and he asked her to stay strong for him. She was so happy around him, he always made her feel like she's something worth. He made her feel wonderful.
"Oh Kaidan..." She said while letting out a small laugh and shaking her head slightly as her fingers traced small lines on his chest. "...you're amazing. You really are." He chuckled in response as he wrapped his arms around her, pressing her flush against his body.
"Shepard." She looked up and locked her eyes with his, waiting for him to continue which he did. "Everything will be fine. You'll- we'll figure it out." She smiled again as she placed her hand on his cheek and he leaned into her touch.
"I know. And after we beat Saren, we'll take a long shore leave. Just the two of us." He smiled when she said that.
"Really? What about the others?" He asked her chuckling as Shepard inched closer before placing a small kiss on his lips. He still had to get used to kissing her because it always made his heart jump.
"Forget them. They can go whenever they want...without us, of course." Kaidan smiled, their lips still pressed against each other.
"Well, do you have something planned, Commander?" He spoke against her lips before he kissed her again. Shepard smiled and wrapped her hands around his neck.
"No. But I'll start with the planing as soon as we get back from Ilos." He brought her even closer, their lips now pressed harder against each other as their smiles faded from their faces.
"Then we should try and get back unharmed."
"Mm-hmm." She murmured against his lips and pushed him backwards towards the bed. Kaidan stumbled back trying hard not to fall down. Then his legs hit the bed and he fell down on it, Shepard on top of him. The kiss grew deep and passionate, their tongues dancing and fighting that sweet battle. She moaned into his mouth when his hand cupped her breast through the towel. She moaned again when he started to knead them, and soon she felt the desire in her belly making her hot and wet for him. His erection pressed at her core, she could feel him growing harder and harder, which only served to arouse her further.
"Kaidan..." She moaned his name when he threw the towel on the floor. His mouth immediately fell over her hard nipple while he teased the other with his fingers. She moaned and he loved it, every touch of his was like electricity to her. Then she gently grabbed him and he groaned into her mouth as his tip teased her lips, then she pushed him inside and both moaned from the sensation. She slowly started to rock back and forth as she leaned her hands on his chest, scratching it slightly. She was so beautiful above him, her features relaxed and calm which made her even more beautiful to him. Her back arched and her head fell back as she sped up a little, causing him to dig his fingers into her hips. But Kaidan felt that something was different.
He watched her the entire time, she was speeding up more and more, the pace fast and determined with almost no passion left. He didn't want that. He didn't want that fast and rough sex with her. He grabbed her hands and brought her down to his chest, causing her eyes to fall open and to look at him. She saw his serious expression, she felt as if she maybe did something wrong. Suddenly he turned them over, she underneath him now as she stared at him with an almost hurtful expression. Then he kissed her, deep and slow and passionate as he pushed inside her again. She moaned into his mouth and he gladly swallowed her moan before he started his slow and tortuous speed.
Now she understood what he wanted, and somehow the knowledge made her feel even happier. He broke the deep kiss after a while and towered over her, his hands holding his weight above her, his thrusts deep, long and slow. Her eyes were closed as she leaned her hands on his shoulders, digging her nails gently into his skin, showing him she's close. He felt her walls gripping him as the tension he felt in his belly grew unbearable. But he wouldn't speed up, not with her.
Her breathing sped up as she wrapped her legs around him, urging him even deeper. He obeyed, but the speed remained the same. After a while she came around him, and feeling her soft tightness enveloping him and getting tighter and tighter with every passing second, made him come as well. He bit her shoulder to muffle his groan, and after a while both came down from the intense orgasm.
Both just lied there without saying a word, he still buried inside her as he was leaned on his forearms. Then he gazed deep into her eyes when he regained his normal breathing. She looked back, both content and happy and relaxed. Their gazes spoke what they were afraid to say out loud, but Kaidan was sure that he knew what he felt for her. He was in love, and with every second that passes with her he was more and more certain of it. Her chuckle brought him back from his thoughts though, and he couldn't hide the smile on his face.
"What?" She stroked his face with her palm as her eyes trailed over his face.
"What are you thinking about so deeply?" He chuckled and turned his head slightly to kiss her palm on his face.
"Just about you." He dared to admit, and was pleased when he saw her watching him with amusement written on her face.
"About me?" He chuckled and gazed even deeper into her eyes, his gaze making her almost dizzy.
"Yeah, about you. Is that so hard to believe?" Her heart leapt at these words.
"Mmm...care to share your thoughts with me?" She stroked his shoulders now and watched her hands, he still looked into her eyes and wondered if he should tell her the truth.
"Shepard..." Her eyes found his again, her mouth slightly open as she saw just how he stared at her. Her heartbeat increased to the point she thought it would jump out of her chest. That's it, she thought as she craved to hear the three words which would make her the happiest woman alive. Kaidan took a very deep breath, he saw the eagerness on her face, he knew she wanted him to continue. So he did. "...it's been a long time since I met a woman, who-"
"Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're five minutes away from the Mu Relay." Both let out a frustrated sigh. Shepard placed her hand on his face and he looked back at her, his face wearing a hurtful expression.
"You're a sweetheart, Kaidan." She said before she kissed his lips, and made a mental note to kick Joker out of the Normandy for interrupting them. He rolled over and she stood up from the bed, taking the Commander uniform and putting it on. Kaidan watched her as she dressed herself, and whenever she would glance at him they would smile before she would turn away from him. When she was dressed he stood up and started dressing himself, but Shepard came close to him and started picking up his clothes from the floor. Then she spotted his bag and her stomach turned. He wore his fatigues as he sat back on the bed to put on his socks and boots before he stood up, then he saw her watching his bag, and his stomach turned over when he remembered he wanted to leave the Normandy.
"Jane..." She turned to him, her expression sad and he swore he saw tears in her eyes.
"What made you change your mind?" Her voice was barely above a whisper, his heart tearing apart at the sight of her like that.
"Fear." He admitted and she shifted slightly, averting her gaze to the floor. He swallowed hard and continued. "Thinking of leaving the ship and maybe never seeing you again..." He looked away as tears formed in his eyes. Shepard saw how much it pained him so she walked to him and took his hand in hers. He looked back at her and saw her smiling weakly at him.
"It's okay. We're here and...that's all that matters." He smiled back when she released his hand. She walked towards the door and the door slid open.
"Shepard." She turned to him with a smile on her face. "I swear though if anything happens to you..." He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head slightly as he ran his hand through his hair. Then he leaned both hands on his hips and looked at her for while, trying to find the proper words. "Take care." Shepard heard what he said, but she also saw what his eyes told her. Her heart leapt at the sight of him like that. She just managed to nod before she walked out. Kaidan walked out a few minutes later. He saw her again on the bridge and watched her as she spoke with Joker. Then she turned for one moment to him and send him a reassuring smile. He smiled back. The battle was before them, and he would give his best to stop Saren and the Reapers. In this very moment he was selfish because he would stop them for her, and not for the sake of the galaxy.