Sorry it's been so long. I have had a really hard time writing this chapter, kinda wrote myself into a bit of a whole. Hope you like it.
Andaere - thank you so much, I love your reviews lol. I'm really glad you like that last chapter, I've never written one of those you-know-what scenes. It's actually why I've been so long updating. I was sure how to get out of it cos I kinda don't want them together, at least not this time (maybe in the sequel, I haven't decided). Anyway, hope it was worth the wait xx
Finding herself completely incapable of sleeping herself, Judy passed the time watching Tom. Shortly after she was sure he was in deep sleep she slowly, and somewhat reluctantly, left the couch and dressed, the nights were still cold and the noise of the rain outside had only added to the chill she felt. After covering the sleeping form on the couch with a blanket, she kneeled beside him studying the rise and fall of his chest as he drew in breath, trying not to think about how close he had come to drawing his last. She glanced round his apartment, taking in the chaos that was so unlike the guy she had known and loved, like somehow his surroundings had changed to reflect what was going on inside. She briefly toyed with the idea of trying to clear away some of the mess, thinking restoring a bit of order to his surroundings may help, but realizing she really didn't want to let him out of her sight, she remained knelt beside him. Her eyes drifted over his face, the pale light now creeping in through the window casting shadows over his features, making the pale skin seem almost white and causing the lashes that brushed the high cheekbones to stand out more vividly than ever. Under those closed lids, she could see the movement of his eyes as he shifted restlessly. She wondered what he was dreaming and whether she should wake him. More honestly she wondered who she would be waking. Would it be Tom's eyes that opened to look back at her? Or would it be the eyes of that angry tormented stranger who had only a few hours ago held a gun to his own head? Maybe it would be the broken and desperate child who had clung to her so needing reassurance. Maybe it wouldn't be either of them. And what would she do with him when he did wake up? On once again catching sight of the wounds on his arm she realized that nothing that had happened between them could fix what was wrong, or erase the memory of the pain in those wide eyes, or the frightening way he had switched so erratically between those different versions of him she had had to deal with the night before. She wasn't sure she had the strength to deal with any of them. She found herself wondering how on earth Doug had coped when they had been trapped back there. She couldn't imagine what he had been through. Bleeding to death, unable to walk, and the only person you have to help you is completely out of his mind. But he'd done it. They were both out, maybe not safe and sound, but they were both still with them. She said a silent thank you and felt a sudden rush of affection for her loud bear like friend. She was going to need Doug's help, she knew that. There was no way she was going to be able to see Tom through this on her own. One thing was for sure, and that was that he needed more help than she could ever give him.
She reached out and smoothed the errant hair away from his face, being careful not to knock the wound on his forehead. As she watched him, she couldn't help but think of the way he had looked at her as they lay tangled together. How she had seen only him in those eyes for the first time in too long, and how for that brief moment he had actually seemed happy. The idea that she had given him that moment, no matter how brief, brought a small smile to her face. She just wished that the man she had held in her arms for the last couple of hours would be the one looking back at her when those eyes opened.
But in the end to her it didn't matter. He had been her rock when she had been going through hell and, if he let her, she was going to be his, starting now.
She knew that she shouldn't have let him sleep so long, but as she watched him he looked so peaceful, and when she remembered how distressed he'd been it seemed cruel to bring him back to all that. Not daring to leave him any longer she leaned over him and gently called out.
"Tom?". When she received no response she felt her stomach rise into her throat. "Hey come on" she said placing her hand on his arm and gently shaking him. "Hanson!", she almost yelled. His hand shot out and grabbed hold of her wrist as he shot up, his face white and his eyes wide with panic.
As he forced his heavy eyes open, desperate to see what it was that had hold of him, the faint light seared his still too sensitive eyes, the headache that had been slowly developing was now a full on assault team pounding in his brain. His eyes were still fuzzy and when he opened them all he could make out were the shadows looming over him, making the other person in the room with him appear larger and more threatening. For a second an irrational and uncontrollable fear took hold of him, that he was still in prison and they had finally decided to come for him. He let out a choked yell and tried to break free of the hand that had hold of him.
"Hey, it's ok." Judy said calmly, slowly releasing his grip and wrapping her arms around him "It's just me."
"Judy?" he croaked, looking at her in confusion, blinking as his eyes struggled to focus.
"Yeah, it's me." she swallowed, nervously watching his face as his eyes searched hers. "Who were you expecting?"
"No one." he replied glancing round the room uneasily before turning towards her and flashing a rather unconvincing smile. "Thanks for staying." he said smiling softly and taking hold of her hand.
"No problem." she smiled, feeling slightly relived that he seemed to be himself so far at least. "How you feeling?" she asked cautiously.
She was answered by a series of groans as he turned away and buried his head in the cushions to keep the light from his eyes.
"Are you going to stay there all day?" she asked smiling slightly as she stood and tried to stretch out the stiffness in her back. Tom's old couch hadn't really been designed to sleep two people.
"No. Just until my head stops feeling like I went to a party but missed all the fun." came the muffled reply. Suddenly a shooting pain through his aching head sent a wave of uncontrollable nausea racing through his guts, resulting in an alarming attack of dry retching which brought Judy racing to his side.
"Take deep breaths." she said taking his head in her hands and looking calmly into his eyes. "You really should still be in the hospital."
"No. I'm ok." he replied.
"Aren't you tired of that same old lie? You're far from OK my friend."
"Stop it." he whispered, his breath seeming to leave him instantly as the world around him seemed to drift away.
"You're unbalanced, you know that don't you? They should have put you away months ago. You should never have been allowed to walk free in the first place. That poor kid and his family would still be ok."
"Tom? Can you hear me?" he heard Judy's concerned voice breaking through the fog in his mind.
"Yeah." he replied shakily.
"Where were you?"
"Nowhere. Just talk to me Judy, please. It's easier to shut out if you talk to me."
"I'm calling the doctor." she told him decisively.
"No. No doctors Judy. You promised I didn't have to do anything I didn't want."
"You don't mess with head injuries, Tom."
"It's a bit late to be worrying about that isn't it?"
"What?" he said distantly.
"What do you mean what? Tom, you were shot in the head last night for Christ's sake."
"It wasn't just a bad dream was it?" he said softly as he gazed at her with those wide eyes.
"I'm afraid not." she said as she took his shaking hand in hers, distressed by how cold it felt.
"It doesn't seem real. Everything's so fuzzy and muddled. I really killed him didn't I?"
"I'm sorry."
"What am I going to do?"
"You don't have to think about that right now. Please let me take you back to hospital." she pleaded, as she wound her fingers round his.
"No. The only reason I'm going back there is to see Doug."
"Tom , you're in no fit state for anything…"
" It's just a headache. A bitch of a headache, but that's all. Really, don't worry."
"I'll get you some aspirin." she said uncertainly as she handed him the T Shirt and boxers that had been disguarded a few hours before. "Here, as much as I like the view, the last thing you need is to catch cold as well."
"Top shelf in the bathroom cabinet." he mumbled, struggling to sit up, his head having trouble deciding whether it was a cloud or a ten tonne weight.
Judy headed to the bathroom and as she opened the door she was hit by a flood of memories of the last time she had been in this room.
"You don't have time for this", she told herself. "Pull yourself together, that guy in there needs you". Shaking herself and pushing them away she opened the cabinet, pulled out the first thing that resembled aspirin and walked back to Tom, who was now slightly more decent.
"Here you go." she said handing him the aspirin before going to the kitchen to fill a glass with water, regularly glancing over her shoulder, reluctant to take her eyes of him for even a moment.
As he watched her Tom found himself slightly disturbed by how easily she found her way around his place and how right it seemed that she be there. So why did it feel so wrong?
"Stop her sport. She's making a huge mistake. Don't destroy her like you have everything else."
"Hey, I've just realised" she began as she handed the glass to him, doing her best to appear much brighter and relaxed than she felt, trying not to let him see her concern. Trying for once to behave like regular people do. "That's the second time I've spent the night at your apartment and I still haven't seen your bedroom" she said with a sly grin on her face as she made for the door she had seen him disappear through that night all those months ago. Sadness suddenly descended on him and he let his head fall into his hands.
"What gives you the right to be happy after all the pain you've caused?"
"Judy, stop.", he said, his voice barely a whisper.
"What's wrong? You afraid I'm about to find out all your sordid little secrets Tom?" A strange expression passed over his face as she looked over at him.
"What?"
"You never call me Tom."
"Well I figure since I've seen you naked that at least puts us on first name terms. You over reacted when Doug shot you by the way. From that scar I'm guessing it was barely even a flesh wound" she smiled not noticing the sick look on his face.
"Step up to your door little fish, your sweet ass is mine."
"They never got me. They never got me." he told himself under his breath, trying to force it away.
"What did you say?" Judy asked turning to face him.
"Nothing." he replied nervously, forcing a smile to his face.
"Don't tell me those pink sheets are all you're hiding." she said mischievously as she placed her hand on the door handle, her voice cutting through the fog.
"What do you want from me Judy?" he said suddenly
"Well, that depends on what you're offering." she said suggestively.
"Don't place any bets on me ok."
"Isn't that my choice?" she said, confusion clouding her features. Hanson just looked at her, struck by her strength and by how much he loved and needed this girl. He couldn't believe what he was about to do.
"Not this time." he said, rising from the couch and walking over to the kitchen.
"Tom are you trying to break up with me?" she said laughing in disbelief.
"How can I do that when we're not together?" he snapped. "I can't do this right now. I can't be what you need and I can't ask you to take on my baggage."
"And I don't get a say in this?"
"I'm sorry."
"So it's one night, thank you very much and goodbye?"
"It's the way it has to be."
"Tom, you look me in the eyes and tell me last night didn't mean as much to you as it did to me."
"Do you want me to lie to you?" he snapped as he slammed down the glass of water. He turned to the cupboard and grabbed the first bottle he saw and downed the aspirin.
"Why not? You've gotten pretty good at it. Keep going and you can convince yourself you're not really a murderer."
"It would make a change from lying to yourself." she spat, "And that's not going to do you any good" she said snatching the whiskey from his hand.
"I'll be the judge of that."
"Ok, fine. Go ahead. Drink all you want, make the world go away, but it'll still be there when it wears off, and so will I."
"Then I'm gonna need a lot more aren't I."
"Stop this, and talk to me please."
"Fine. Last night meant a lot to me, but I should never have let it happen. I care about you a lot ok. I will always care about you and I will always be there for you but..."
"As a friend."
"It's all I've got to give."
"You don't get to do this to me Tom. I've watched you push people away for years, well this one doesn't run as easy."
"Maybe you should."
"What are you scared of?"
"I'm not scared of anything."
"Yes you are. Tom, you won't even look at me." she said bringing those cold distant eyes round to focus on her, sending cold shivers up her spine. She suddenly began to ache for her friend, the man she had held so tightly just that short time ago, even mourned for him, despite him seemingly standing there before her. She took a deep breath and met his empty stare. "You're scared that whatever there is between us might just work. God forbid you'd have to be happy cos then you'd have to stop making yourself suffer and wallow in self pity, living your life with one foot out the door because you feel you deserve it."
"Maybe I do."
"Tom, you have to stop punishing yourself. You've suffered enough, no matter what it is you think you deserve, it isn't this. No one else would have things any differently."
"No one else had the chance." he snapped, angry that she should be making excuses for him.
"Well if you carry on this way you're going to end up old and alone."
"Maybe I deserve that too."
"Why are you pushing me away?" she cried in frustration.
"Because if you get too close you might not like what you find. Judy, I'm not what you think. I'm not a good person."
"Listen to me Tom, because someone has got to get through to you somehow. How many times am I going to have to tell you that none of this was ever your fault. These things happen. It's horrible and unfair, but it's what we chose when we became police officers. You're going to have to get through this, and to do that you need us. You need me. You can't keep playing with people and forcing them away just because you're scared to let them in. Don't I mean anything to you?"
"Of course you do. But its better this way, rather than months or even years down the line you find out you've made a big mistake when you realise what I really am".
"Tom, where is this all coming from. There's not a malicious bone in your body."
"So one quick fumble on my couch and you think you know me?" he spat.
"No. But over four years of working with you, watching you and being your friend I think I know you pretty well." she said calmly, trying to defuse this situation, whatever it was. "And you're not a bad person."
"Oh take off those rose tinted glasses Hoffs. I'm not your perfect little idol."
"I never thought you were."
"Yes you did. You all did. I don't get to make mistakes, I don't get to be human. I get to be the example. The one who supposed to fix everything. I've tried so hard to be what you all wanted, to be everything you expected from me, but I can't do it anymore. You placed me on this pedestal and it's my fault when I fall off. Well, guess what Judy, it's too high and I've got vertigo. So why don't you find someone else to climb up here so I can go back to being me."
"Tom, I love you, let me help you."
"Don't say that." he said almost pleading. "You can't possibly mean that after what I've done. How could you love a murderer? Cos that's what I am. I didn't just stand by and let it happen, I was the one who pulled the trigger."
"You're not a murderer. No one thinks that of you, and you know I love you. You've known that from the start."
"You don't love me Judy. You love this image you've created of me."
"This is me you're talking to Hanson."
"I know who I'm talking to" he said, more for his benefit than hers.
"You're not talking to some teenaged girl with a crush."
"I know that."
"I've seen your best and I've seen your worst."
"You think so do you?" he asked, a strange light playing in his eyes.
"OK. So what have I got wrong?"
"EVERYTHING!" he yelled at her, making her jump. "I've spent my life lying and cheating. How many lives have I ruined Judy. For god's sake, I killed someone yesterday. I tore apart a whole family. I put a bullet through a child and I'm not sorry. It's not the only time I've wanted to do it either."
"That time you were upset about Amy. And you didn't kill that guy, you did the right thing."
"That's not what I mean."
"Ok. Tell me" she said keeping her voice level, trying to keep him calm.
"Why do you think I went to Towers house that night?"
"You were looking for evidence."
"No smoke without fire Jude."
"Don't be ridiculous Hanson. Farrell killed Tower. They proved it."
"Who proved it Judy?"
"Doug and Booker" she said with a sigh, suddenly feeling very tired. A strange smile lit Hanson's face as he edged closer towards her.
"Exactly. How desperate do you think Doug was to get me out of prison?"
"He wasn't happy about you being in there if that's what you mean."
"Desperate enough to tamper with evidence?"
"I'm not listening to this nonsense?" she said laughing in Hanson's face in disbelief.
"Why do you think they couldn't find the bullet?" He didn't know where all this was coming from but he had to make her understand.
"Do you really expect me to believe all this?"
"You believed it easily enough to begin with."
"Yeah, well there was reason."
"And there isn't now?"
"I'm not scared of you Tom." she said not sounding quite convinced as he continued to close the distance between them.
"Maybe you should be. I might not have killed Tower, but I went there with every intention of doing so."
"You don't have it in you."
"Really? I've just killed someone Judy. A few months back I stood and watched as a 21 year old kid was pumped full of poison until he was dead and I felt nothing." he sneered, "Tell me something detective. Just how do you think that knife got into Casey's hands in the first place?"
"I don't know."
"He got it from me. I took it in there. Just a little while before I was the one who was holding it to Doug's throat. Did you think I had that in me?" he said quietly as he backed her against the wall.
"No, you don't!" she said softly.
"She really thinks you're not a killer." came the mocking laughter. "Did she not see that poor kid spread across the floor last night? Does she not remember that you have nearly killed your best friend twice this week? How long before you hurt her?"
"I don't have it in me? I also nearly drove him under a lorry remember. I hurt everyone around me Judy." he said coldly, "How do you know next time it won't be you?"
"Because I trust you. I know you wouldn't hurt any of us." she said quietly. "Now tell me what's going on in there." she said reaching out to brush the hair from his face, causing him to flinch and knock her hand away.
"Listen to me you stupid, blind naive bitch!" he screamed, his face inches away from hers. "I've tried to do this nicely, to give you an easy way out but you just won't listen. I don't love you ok. I've never loved anyone. I'm not capable do you understand? I couldn't love Amy enough to save her and I couldn't love Jackie enough to forgive her."
"What about Linda? You telling me you felt nothing for her?" she said, trying to keep the waver out of her voice.
"I did once. I tried to again. Told myself that I was still in love her. I thought that I could find who I used to be if I could only make myself believe that. But really I felt nothing." he said distantly, seeming not to notice she was still there.
"And what about Amy? All that grief and hurt was just an act was it?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying." he spat, those unnerving eyes focusing on hers once again. "I should have saved her but I didn't try. I should have done more to help Kenny, I should have tried harder to help Ronnie and Mattie but I didn't. I let them all die. Now they're in here", he said tapping a finger to his head. "I see them whenever I close my eyes, and do you think I feel guilty? I don't. I hate them. I hate them because they show me for what I really am. I hate them because their sufferings over and I have to keep paying for what I did to them. So you can tell yourself all the lies you want to if it'll keep this perfect image of me in your head, but don't kid yourself Judy, this isn't going to have a happy ending. You know, everyday I have to force myself through it, remind myself to breath. I wake up every morning and curse god for not taking me in my sleep. It's dead in here" he yelled hitting his fist against his chest. "All that's left is anger and hatred. You still want to be a part of this? Do you?" he yelled grabbing her arms and pulling her roughly towards him. "Look into my eyes and tell me what you see now, Judy."
"Let go of me" she said her voice beginning to waver.
"I thought you wanted to be with me."
"This isn't you."
"This is me Judy. I told you that you wouldn't like what you found."
"Hanson, you're ill. You need to let us help you. We can't keep going round in circles."
"What do you want from me?"
"I want to talk to Tom."
"I can't find him Judy." he said, his face softening and his eyes widening, filling his pale face. "I let them kill him too."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did. That kid was right," he said thinking back to his dream and the sixteen year old version of himself saying those very words, his own dark eyes looking back at him accusingly. "But I had to. It was the only way. If I hadn't we would both have died in there. Now he's gone."
"No he hasn't"
"You really believe that? Come on Judy, you know as well as I do that the guy you remember isn't standing here right now. He would never have been capable of doing the things I've done. He would never have hurt Doug and he would never have been able to cause you even the smallest amount of pain. You're just talking to a hollowed out shell with a number instead of a name."
"He's in there, I know he is. We can look for him together ok?" she said, reaching up and taking his head in her hands. No sooner had she done so than she immediately regretted it. She could almost see it, that imperceptible flicker as his eyes darkened and his features twisted with anger and disgust. It was as if Tom had been hollowed out and that twisted stranger had filled the void.
"Don't you ever fucking touch me again." he yelled, ripping her hands away, his grip nearly breaking her wrists.
"Hanson, you're hurting me." she said, remembering how those hands had touched her so differently only that short time ago. How could it have all gone so wrong so fast?
"Your white knight's armour's not so shiny anymore is it?" he said with a twisted smile playing on his lips. "Get out of my way Hanson." she said looking coldly into his eyes, as she struggled to break his hold.
"Where are you going Judy? I thought this was what you wanted."
"Get out of my way." she said, her voice shaking.
"You said you wanted to help me. Are you just going to run away now that things have got a little too rough? Or is it just that now you've had me you've lost interest?"
"You know that's not true."
"If you hurry you might catch Fuller on his own, you can complete the full set."
"Why are you trying to hurt me?"
"It's what I do, Judy. I keep telling you that but you don't seem to want to listen." he said stepping back from her and walking back over the broken glass on the floor. As he saw it catch the light he bent down and picked up one of the larger pieces, turning it over in his hand and smiling that eerie smile that seemed so out of place on his youthful features, as Judy stood against the wall, watching him as she tried to get some kind of hold on herself.
"I cut myself pretty badly on a piece of glass just like this not so long ago." he said, sounding to Hoffs as if he was a million miles away.
"What do you mean?" she asked nervously.
"It was so easy. It didn't even hurt." he continued dreamily, "Do you think it hurt Casey when he died?"
"I don't know." she replied massaging her temples with her fingers, trying to rid herself of the image of those cuts she had noticed on Hanson's arm. "Tom, those cut's on your arm, did you do that with the glass?"
"No. I used a knife, the same one I nearly killed Doug with." he answered before letting out a bark of hysterical laughter. "Funny how things turn out isn't it?"
"You cut yourself?!" she yelled in disbelief.
"It was the only way to get it all out."
"Get what out?"
"All the dirt and poison that's gotten in to my blood. I have to get it out you see, and that's the only way."
"There's nothing wrong with your blood."
"Yes there is. They were right about me. Everything they said."
"Tom, you've got to help me out here, because none of this makes any sense."
"And you think it makes sense to me? You think I have even the slightest clue what's going on here? You think I wanted any of this. It feels like there's a hole in my head and my minds sifting through it like grains of sand. I can't even remember what I'm doing from one minute to the next. I can see myself doing these things and I can't stop."
"It's going to be ok, Hanson. You can get through this. But you have to fight it."
"And just how am I meant to do that? How can you fight something you can't see?"
"You can do it. You're strong and we're all here for you."
"Strong?" he said dropping the glass and whirling round to face her. "You think I'm strong?" he continued as he slowly walked towards her, fiddling with the clasp on the leather band round his wrist. "You know one thing prison teaches you is about who you really are. It tears away all the illusions, everything you ever believed about yourself, and all that's left is the dirt beneath. All that's left is the guy who huddled cowering and whimpering in a corner when they came for him. The pathetic figure who starts sweating when he hears the sound of a key turning in a lock, who wants to scream every time the lights go out. The coward who allows people to die before his eyes. I'm not strong Judy. All I am is weak and scared. The only reason I'm still here is because I wasn't strong enough to end it." he continued distantly, anger and disgust flashing in his eyes. "You really want to know what I used the glass for Judy?"
"What did you do Tom?" she asked swallowing nervously.
"There." he grinned, pulling the band away to reveal the bandage around his too thin wrist, before beginning to remove the bandage itself. "How strong do you think I am now detective?" he asked holding out his injured wrist for her to see, the jagged gash burning into her retinas and making her feel sick.
"Oh Hanson," she sobbed, wanting to reach out and wrap her arms around him, anything to erase this unrecognizable cold and distant young man stood before her. "Why didn't you tell us it had gotten this bad?"
"Because crazy people don't have very good judgment." he spat.
"I don't think you're crazy. None of us do". This statement was met by cold laughter.
"Do you not see this?" he said waving his arm around. "If you think this is something a sane person does then you're all as nuts as I am aren't you? You all did this you know, all of you." he said turning away from her and picking up the glass that seemed to hold so much fascination for him.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes you do. You left me to rot in that hell hole." he said once again turning towards her, his eyes blazing almost black with hatred, as he edged back towards her. "Then they chipped away bit by bit until I broke. I'm in pieces Judy, and I can't find all the shards to put back together again. Then you all expect me to carry on with a smile on my face as if nothing has happened, to carry on being the person you remember. But I can't, and you all pushed and pushed until I cracked. Are you happy now?" he yelled grabbing hold of her and slamming her back against the wall, the jagged piece of glass inches from her throat..
"Who are you going to have to hurt to make her see what you are? What will take? Hurting her?"
"Are you scared now?" he whispered close to her ear as he tightened his grip on her and slowly moving the glass before her eyes.
"I've told you, I'll never be scared of you." she said swallowing nervously.
"Really? They say killing gets easier after the first time. Besides, you know the great thing about being a nutball is that I could cut you to shreds and in a couple of hours I'll have blocked it out."
"Stop this and let me help you."
"You're starting to sound like a broken record." he said icily. "Doug couldn't help me, Fuller couldn't help me, what makes you think you can?"
"I don't know." she said sounding lost and defeated.
"If you really wanted to help me you'd have stopped me killing that kid last night."
"I'm sorry. I wish we had have got there sooner, but it's done now. You have to get past this."
"What if I don't want to?" he said staring at the glass as it continued its slow swing before Judy's terrified eyes. "What if I think I deserve to suffer?"
"Then you're just proving my point." she said shakily. "I know you're still in there. And I know how much you care. It's obvious when you see how much you're hurting."
"I don't want to care. Look what it gets you."
"But you do care. I've seen it. The way to look out for us all, the way you try your best to help people."
"So where are all these people I'm meant to have helped? Show me, because I can't see them anywhere. The only people I can see are the ones whose lives I ended." he seethed, his grip on the glass causing his bandaged hand to bleed once again. "They're everywhere." he continued as his eyes glazed over and his voice began to sound miles and miles away. "They're in my dreams and in my head. They never stop."
"I'll help you make them stop."
"I tried to do that last night. But you stopped me." he said, snapping back to focus on her. "I tried to make this easy on all of us, but Doug stopped me too, every time." he said becoming more distressed. "I asked you all to leave me in that place last night but you dragged me out anyway. You say you love me and want to help me, but you all just want me suffer."
"No we don't."
"STOP LYING TO ME!" he yelled and pressed the glass against her windpipe, a thin sliver of crimson began running down her neck as she stared stonily into his cold eyes.
"Hanson, let me go" she said sternly. He pulled his hands away like they had been burned and stared at her, his eyes scared and confused.
"There you go. I told you it was only a matter of time till you ruined her too."
"How the hell could you have let me turn into you?" came the voice of his teenaged self echoing from his dream.
"Get out" he croaked still staring at his hands as he let the glass fall to the floor.
"I'm not leaving you in this state."
"I said get the fuck out of here!" he almost screamed in her face.
She pushed past him in a panic as she saw the hate etched into his features, grabbing her keys and jacket before heading towards the door.
"Tom, I care about you too much to give up on you and I promise I will always be there for you." she said pulling the door open keeping her back to him. "Just do me a favour Tom. Get someone who can help you, or next time you want comforting find someone else to run to because this isn't fair. Not to either of us. I can't watch you do this to yourself" she almost wept. Then she turned round and met his eyes, hoping to see some glimmer of the man she knew in there somewhere.
"I meant it Tom. I do love you."
"I know." he said calmly, "And hate you for it."
Judy looked at him and smiled sadly before she turned and fled slamming the door behind her. Hanson stood in the middle of the room watching the empty space where she had been standing.
"I'm sorry Judy" he whispered.
"Too little too late pal!"
"You're supposed to have gone. They promised."
"You may have fooled the shrink and you might have fooled Fuller. Hell you've nearly succeeded in convincing yourself but you can't fool her. She can see it. You're absolutely certifiable my friend."
"I'm not crazy!" he said weakly as he reached for the bottle Judy had ripped from his hand.
"Time to stop lying Tommy."
He lifted the bottle to lips but stopped as the look on Judy's face flashed before his eyes. Staggering over to the kitchen he poured the remainder of the bottle down the drain before he slumped against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut. He could still see her fear and horror, as if her face had been tattooed on the inside of his eyelids. It was then he realised he had lied when he told Judy he was incapable of feeling anything, cos he was pretty sure he just felt his heart break. Why did he keep hurting everyone he loved? Why couldn't he stop? Well, he couldn't do it anymore. He wouldn't do it anymore. He just hoped they'd be able to forgive him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He decided to wait until he was sure she would be at be at work before going to get his car. The last thing he wanted right now was to have to face Judy again. He thought about calling a cab but decided that the walk would do him good. May help clear his head before he had to deal with taking Clavo to see Doug, the last thing the poor kid needed was to have to deal with a lunatic. As he walked the events of the past few days, months, years whirled through his mind and as they did all he wanted was to wipe them away.
He carried on down the street concentrating on the sound and rhythm of his footsteps, trying to block everything out.
"I'm disappointed in you sport. I raised you better than to treat women that way."
"She asked for it. She wouldn't listen. You had to make her understand somehow."
"You could have killed her. How could do that to someone you say you love? Maybe you don't love her. Is that it?"
"I'm not listening."
"Not the golden boy anymore are you Tommy?"
He carried on doggedly, placing his hands over his ears trying to block them out. They weren't real, he knew that. So why did they scare him so badly? Because most of the time he knew they were right.
"You ruin everything you touch. You know that don't you?"
"It's all in my head, it's not real. It's all in my head, it's not real." he began chanting as his pace quickened, trying to leave them behind.
"I'm the one in control." he began whispering, remembering what the shrink had told him, trying to make himself believe it.
"Doesn't look like you're in control to me." came the reply as he broke into a run.
When he felt like he couldn't run anymore he sunk down on the side of the pavement, bringing his knees up to his chest and letting his head drop to rest on them, trying to make himself as small as possible. Maybe if he screwed himself up small enough no one would be able to see him. How the hell was he meant to face them again anyway? He didn't know if he even could. He kept seeing the fear and shock in Judy's eyes and hearing the hurt in her voice and it made him feel sick to his stomach. How could he have done that to her?
"Because you're as bad as the ones you put away. You say your saving the world from them, yet here you are walking around taking the lives of scared innocent children and causing nothing but pain for the ones you love."
"I did it to save Doug. I did it for Clavo."
"That's bullshit and you know it. You weren't thinking about Clavo, you weren't even concerned for Doug. You did it for yourself, because you couldn't deal with losing the one person who never lost faith in you. He never stopped believing in you and how do you repay him?"
"Fuck you!"
"You blame him and everyone else for your mistakes. Can't take the responsibility yourself can you? It was you that turned your life into a lie. You took everything you believed in and twisted and polluted it. You made everything you stand for meaningless."
"I swear to god I'm going to cut you out."
"Try it."
No matter how much he tried he couldn't deny it. They were right. About everything. Most of all, they were right when they said he needed Doug, needed his trust and his friendship. Needed the unfailing blind faith he seemed to have in him, although God knows why?. When it came down to it, as much as the idea of Judy hating him made his battered heart hurt, he felt he could live with it, god knows he deserved her hate. But the idea of Doug hating him was unthinkable, he wouldn't be able to bear it. Still, he had nearly killed him, and because of him he was lying full of holes in a hospital bed.
Suddenly he was pulled from his thoughts as he heard footsteps coming along the pavement towards him, but he paid no attention to them until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He flinched and jumped to his feet, whirling round and glowering at the stranger stood before him.
"Are you ok?" the strange man in the tweed jacket asked looking him nervously up and down
"Don't touch me!" he seethed through gritted teeth.
"Hey, I'm sorry, you just looked kinda ill. You need some help?"
"No, I don't need help. Get the hell away from me and leave me alone."
"No problem pal." the man said before stalking past him. "Pshyco!" he muttered under his breath.
Tom watched him disappear into the distance before once again crumpling to the pavement. He was scared now, he didn't mind admitting it, as for the first time he allowed himself to realise that he was very defiantly ill. Exhausted, both mentally and physically, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the small bottle the doctor had given him. So this was his future? No control over his own actions, thoughts or feelings. Kept rational and functioning only by pills. Dependant on drugs, just like some deadbeat smack head.
"I really am crazy" he said to himself as he stared at the label.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fuller was sat in his office early the next morning, feeling as if he had only just left. Having had a restless and troubled night, worry about his various young officers causing his mind to race constantly, he looked tired and haggard as he held the phone to his ear trying to concentrate on the voice at the other end.
He had spent most of the morning so far with the receiver seemingly glued to his ear. Phone calls from IAD, and updates from Harry had been relentless. Now as he sat listening to the voice of Rich Stanford he was startled by the door to his office being thrown open and a distraught looking Judy Hoffs striding through the doorway. He held up his hand and threw her an impatient glance to signal her silence before turning his attention back to the man on the other end of the phone. He could see she was troubled, but so was everyone else. A lot of people he cared about had suffered a great deal recently and the least he owed them was to make sure they hadn't suffered in vain.
Judy stood watching him, her hands balled into fists and entire body shaking with fear and anger as she listened to him.
"Any news on Petrelli?" she heard Fuller ask, the look on his face as he listened to the answer told her everything she needed to know. "None at all?" Fuller said sounding tired and dejected as he rubbed at his temples.
"Have they agreed to talk?"…….."Yeah? Well how about we give them a good reason to be afraid." Fuller yelled at the response, making Hoffs jump 10 feet in the air. "I know" he said more calmly……….."They're as well as can be expected. Don't worry, we'll take care of them."……"Sure I will, and thanks Stamford." he said before placing the phone back in it's cradle.
"That was Stanford. He wanted to know how Tom and Doug are doing." he told her, his usual deep booming voice sounding small and exhausted.
"That's the least they can do. They were the one's who lost them. If it wasn't for them none of this would have happened."
"And if we had gotten there even two minutes earlier it wouldn't have got as far as it did." he snapped back. "This isn't the time for laying the blame."
"Have they found Petrelli?" she asked coldly.
"No. He seems to have disappeared again. His men aren't talking either. They're scared apparently." he finished bitterly.
"What about the others?"
"They'll do time. How much depends on how much they cooperate."
"What about Hanson? What happens to him?"
"Nothing. Hanson's done nothing wrong and IAD agree with that. He won't face any further questioning or investigation."
"And what about his other problems?"
"What do you mean?"
"Captain, I know he's not well. For god's sake, last night I had to talk him out of putting a bullet through his head." Fullers head shot up from the desk and he glared at Judy with wide frightened eyes.
"Dammit, he promised me he wouldn't try anything like that again."
"Again? Captain Fuller, what's wrong with Tom?" she asked coldly. "And don't spin me any lies or sugar coat it Captain. I've seen the scars and I've seen his wrist, I'm not stupid."
"So you know."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't think you needed to know."
"Didn't need to know? Captain, you and Doug aren't the only ones who care about him you know."
"I know. I'm sorry. How did you…"
"He showed me."
"Hanson showed you?"
" He was in pieces last night Captain. Then this morning I must have had conversations with at least five different guys, one of which was close to tearing my head clean off."
"You spent the night with Hanson?"
"On the couch Captain." she said, trying to sound offended, although it already seemed like another lifetime ago, and technically she wasn't lying,. "Don't change the subject. I need to know. What's wrong with him?" Fuller took a deep breath and seemed to age right before her eyes.
"Judy, Tom's had a breakdown. From what the doctor said it's a pretty serious one"
"And you didn't think you should tell us? Jesus, Fuller, last night I had to stop him blowing his head off. If I hadn't have stayed with him he probably would have."
"He didn't want people knowing Hoffs. What was I supposed to do?"
"I don't think we can do anything Captain. Nothing seems to get through to him." she said before eyeing him knowingly, "Except the people in his head right?"
"What?"
"He's hearing voices isn't he?"
"Apparently so" he said wearily. "Was he really bad?" Fuller swallowed, feeling sick to his stomach.
"I've never been so frightened in all my life." she sobbed as she sat down heavily in the chair in front of Fuller's desk. "He held a piece of broken glass to my throat Captain. I never thought I'd be scared of Hanson, but for a moment I really thought he was going to hurt me."
"Tom would never do that Judy."
"I know, but I don't think he has much say over anything anymore. I'm telling you, it was like he wasn't even there." she said trying to calm herself down.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm ok. He didn't actually hurt me, I'm just a little shaken."
"You should have called me. I'd have come over."
"I don't think it would have helped", she said wiping at her tears. "He's had so much to deal with Captain. His dad, Amy, all those kids he feels responsible for, and you know he's not over being locked up. Now on top of that he's killed someone. It's too much and the weight of it is crushing him. Can't we do something?"
"Like what?"
"Get him to see someone."
"He already has Judy, he's under the psychiatric department at county. They put him on medication immediately. They said it would help him manage better."
"Well it didn't. If he's even taking it that is." Judy said angrily through her tears. "What are we going to do? I don't think he can be trusted on his own, and he sure as hell won't let us watch over him day and night. I tried to and he nearly cut my throat."
"Then we get him somewhere where someone can." Fuller sighed, feeling defeated.
"What do you mean?" Judy asked, raising her head, "You mean put him in a mental hospital? We can't do that can we?"
"The doctor recommended that to Tom himself." Fuller replied. He couldn't believe he was saying it, but he was out of ideas. If Tom wouldn't let them help him, they'd have to see to it that he had no choice.
"Isn't there any other way?"
"Can you think of one."
"No." she said sadly wiping at her eyes, unable to believe they were having this conversation. "He could do anything if left on his own. I think he's proved that already" she finished, images of Hanson holding the gun to his head and the awful gashes on his arm and wrist.
"I'll talk to his doctor first. If there's another way, Judy, I'll find one."
She watched in silence as Fuller picked up the phone. He waited for what seemed like hours on hold before the voice of Hanson's doctor came traveling down the line.
"Captain Fuller? What can I do for you?"
Fuller then proceeded to spill out all that Judy had told him, and as she watched Judy thought she could see her captain aging right before her eyes. His figure seemed to slump and shrink with every new detail, as if hearing the words coming from his own mouth rather than hers somehow made it undeniable, and she suddenly felt so angry towards Hanson that she could have rung his neck right there and then. That was, if she didn't love him so damn much.
"How about you explain why you told me he wasn't a danger and then the next thing we know he has a gun to his head and nearly kills another one of his partners?" she heard Fuller's voice cutting through her thoughts. "You said the medication was supposed to help with that." he said sounding more and more frustrated. "I don't know if he's taking them…..I can't keep track of him every second of the day…..so what do you suggest…….are you sure……..there's no other way?….He won't go for that, trust me….I'll try….as soon as I can….thank you doctor." he said hanging up the phone with a tired sigh.
"What did he say?"
"He wants Tom in for another assessment."
"No chance. You know Hanson, Captain, he won't go."
"Then we'll have to take the decision out of his hands."
"You mean section him? We can't do that to Tom."
"Judy…."
"We can't." she said vehemently. "Anyway, we're not next of kin. It has to be a family member doesn't it?"
"Then lets get a family member." Fuller said picking up the phone.
"Are you sure this is for the best?"
"I can't let him hurt himself or anyone else Judy."
"I know. It's just…..Captain it's Hanson."
"That's the problem Judy, it isn't really is it?" he said placing a comforting hand on hers before he began rifling through his desk draw for the old phone book he kept in there. Then, finding the number he was looking for he took a deep breath and smiled briefly at Hoffs before dialing once again. He had barely spoken to Margaret Hanson in all the years he had known her son and when he had it was only to give her bad news, like your son is missing and we have no idea where he is. Or 'I'm sorry Mrs Hanson but your little boy is on trial for murder and he's going to spend the rest of his life behind bars.' So how the hell was he going to tell her that he wanted her help to get her son sectioned because he had lost his mind and was now a danger to himself and everyone around him. He wasn't surprised to find that when she heard his voice Tom's mother flew into a panic.
"Mrs Hanson, it's Adam Fuller……No, no, nothing like that, he's all in once piece, but I really think we need to talk……Sure…..no we'll be there soon……..Please try not to worry."
Judy watched on, feeling sick and incredibly tired, finding it hard to believe that they were even considering this, but as she thought back over the past few months, especially the last few hours, she couldn't see any other way. She kept seeing Tom's lost empty eyes as he sat surrounded by smoke staring at the lifeless form of Casey Moore, the anger and hatred that had blazed behind them as he had held the gun to his head and the lifeless cold orbs that had stared out at her as he held that broken glass to her throat, and of course the awful sight of those jagged cuts on his arm and wrist. But despite all this she held on to the picture of the warmth in those same eyes as they had looked down on her the night before. When there had been nothing else in there but Tom.
"There's nothing else we can do is there?" she said sounding defeated as she looked up wide eyed at her commanding officer as he hung up the phone on a seriously worried and distress Margaret Hanson. He shook his head sadly and got to his feet.
"Come on, lets get this over with."