Attention-I would like to point out is you might have to wait a bit longer for my next post. My computer gave away during a storm and I'm still working on getting a laptop. So in meanwhile I've been using Arienhod's while she made a small writing break.

Well, she started to write again (took her long enough) and now I need to wait in line. It is her comp after all.

There is nothing more depressive then to spend Christmas Eve all alone, away from the family and friends. Even more because the room showed no evidence Christmas was actually just few hours away: no tree, no lights, and no homemade cookies. Not even music to bring some of that known Christmas spirit in the room 442 of Escaflowne High.

Quite the opposite actually.

Iris Yuri was sitting on the tile floor in the bathroom, curled next to the tub and weeping. She never felt so alone in her entire life. She had no one on her side in what supposed to be a family holiday. But her family was in Chesario or Ezgardia or maybe Basram, Iris didn't remember anymore. And Van… Van was with his family.

She observed him as he walked out of the bathroom after taking a shower and walked to his wardrobe and pulled out a very royal-like outfit. Iris thought it looked impressive but on Van's face was visible hi disagree. He was frowning on the black pants, and deep red jacket. It is meant to be buttoned all the way up his neck like a turtleneck and he hated it cause it prevented him from breathing normally.

"I'm guessing you ought to attend some royal diner or something like that." Iris commented as Van began put his clothes on.

"It's an annual ball we have for Christmas. Everyone ho means something in Fanelia will be attending and I as a prince have to be present too. No matter how much I would rather stay here..." Van answered before he moved closer and kissed Iris surprising her "…with you."

"Well, you will return to the dorms right?" she asked "Wake me up when you do and we can open our presents together." She pointed to several boxes they exchanged with their friends.

"Actually, I won't come back until at least tomorrow afternoon." Van said hoping Iris wouldn't get upset because of it.

"Oh, well I suppose it's normal your family wants to spend time with you." She said back calmly.

Van gently caressed her cheek "But I would rather spend my time with you."

"I know exactly what you mean." Iris smiled before Van kissed her deeply.

And then the guilt appeared.

And she decided.

Fifteen minutes later Van was dressed and ready to go. But before he was out the door Iris intercepted him and kissed him like her life depended on it. And when they parted Van had to lean his head on her shoulder to regain his breath.

"What was that for?" he asked huskily.

"So you don't forget me when you get surrounded by girls on that ball. I mean they will look breathtaking and you-"

"I will only look forward to the moment when I came back here and see you." Van said smiling widely to his roommate.

Iris looked down. Van noticed her sudden awkwardness and touched her cheek making her look into his eyes. She could see the question in his sienna eyes; he wanted to know what was wrong.

"When you come back… I will tell you something about me…" Iris muttered.

"Oh, a female secret. I can't wait." Van joked.

"I hope you will be just as enthusiastic tomorrow." She whispered back.

"Iris, I truly care for you, and I always will no matter which dark secret you might be hiding." Van said like he meant it before giving Iris a quick kiss and finally leaving ten minutes after he supposed to.

One more hour remained till midnight when ringing of the phone cause Iris to snap out of the gloomy mood and finally leave the dark, cold bathroom and answer. The tears were long gone but she still sniffed. The time alone gave her an opportunity to consider everything and it hurt her that she loved and lied to Van at the same time. He deserved better then that. He deserved better then her.

"Hallo?" she answered her cell phone and right away recognized the voice on the other side.

"Iris, it's good to hear your voice again." Agent Balgus said in an unusually high spirit she right away linked to Christmas "Are you crying?" he asked after hearing her sniff.

"I'm gonna tell him." She dropped the bomb "I'm gonna tell Van who I really am. I can't lie to him anymore."

"Hitomi…" it was the first time he said her name and it caused her to listen very carefully "There might not be any time for that."

"What… what do you mean?" Iris didn't understand.

There was a sigh before serious voice of the Ceali agent was heard saying what she waited for him to say in three months. And it made her feel great.

"Isaak Dornkirk was arrested an hour ago. We have enough incriminating evidence to put him away for a very long time. And with you and out other witness the case is as good as closed. You have a place booked on the levi-ship leaving to Asturia tomorrow at half seven."

And then the reality came crashing down.

"But… but… I have to tell Van…" she tried to explain to agent Balgus how important was to her that van knows the truth about her but the words just weren't coming.

"They wake him up and tell him before you leave."

"He won't return to the school until tomorrow afternoon. He is on the annual ball in the palace." Iris sniffed.

If she could see agent Balgus' face she would see him shocked for the very first time "Palace? Did you say his name was Van? As in Van Fanel, the prince of Fanelia. You are boarding with the throne heir?"

A soft "Yes." was barely heard.

The silence lasted for several moments before the Ceali agent asked "Exactly how close are you to the boy?"

Iris wasn't brave enough to admit they slept together so she just said "Quite close."

"I am sorry you have to leave, but your presence is needed in Pallas." He sounded honest enough.

"I guess… I will give him my letter…"

Van returned to the dorm right after breakfast. His mother scowled him last night for not bringing Iris with him on the ball even though he was told not to bring anyone, cause the number of seats was limited, by his father council's member. Queen Varie snapped on that same man during breakfast, something she almost never did, and made sure he understands it is not his decision who gets to come on the balls and who is not welcome.

But the dead silence in the room surprised him. He expected to see her still sleeping but the bed was empty and made even though it was little after eight. On a weekend that was really weird.

So he did the next thing that came to his mind. Van knocked on the bathroom door and waited for a response. But all he got was silence.

He looked around the room for any clue where she might have left and was tempted to call Merle and ask the pink-haired girl if she was maybe with her for the holiday. But the envelope placed on her bed's pillow caught his attention before he reached for his cell phone.

Van could feel his stomach twisting in a knot; there was something seriously wrong.

He remembered Iris said she wanted to tell him something about herself. But a letter is not what he had expected.

Van Fanel sat on the side of the bed and opened the envelope. Iris' handwriting was very pretty but the words… the words… they cut him deeply because he knew she was gone. And he was ready to tell her he loved her.

She was sitting next to the window on the levi-ship and watched as the scenery was changing. Her green eyes glistered with unshed tears she had desperately tried to prevent from falling. Her heart was breaking cause she knew she had probably broken his. And he… Van deserved better then to be left like that… with a letter goodbye.

Hitomi sighed. It wasn't supposed to be like that…

"Where is she?" queen Varie asked seeing van returned to the palace alone "Did you had a fight?" she noticed the grave look on his face.

Van lifted his hand and handed his mother a piece of paper he was clinging to since he read it "She isn't who she said."

"What do you mean dear?" she was confused.

"Iris Yuri is a fake." He answered not knowing how to explain. She could read it in the letter anyway. But the mere thought of the false life was so damn confusing.

King Gaou stepped next to his wife and red the words from the paper over her shoulder. He was just as shocked as his son that the girl he met two months ago in their town house was under protection of Ceali agents. But what surprised him the most was he knew nothing of it.

"Did Balgus inform you of her presence?" Varie turned to her husband.

"No. He never said a word." He answered and then looked at his son who was still standing silently on the same spot "Van?"

"The letter was written a month ago but the things changed since then. We changed. I fell for her father." Was all Van managed to say before he took the letter again from his mother's hand and left the hall. He walked slowly to his chamber, closed the door behind himself and lied down on the soft bed.

And then he started to read, and read, and read till he knew every word Iris wrote… just that… she wasn't really Iris.

He didn't leave his chamber that day, not even to dine with his family. He wasn't really hungry anyway.

Queen Varie found her son sleeping soundly on the top of the covers that night before she herself went to the royal bedchamber. And like the times he was a child she tucked him in and gently kissed his forehead.

Carefully she took the letter from his hand and took it with herself uselessly believing reading it once more would change it's content. But it didn't. The words were the same.

My dearest Van.

I don't know if I'll ever give this letter to you. There are thoughts that have been circling around inside my head for quite sometime now. They seem to always be in the back of my mind, you always seem to be in the back of my mind.


I'm wondering how often you think of me; if I just pop into your thoughts the way you do with mine, if you fantasize about me, about us. Despite what I've said part of me is curious about what it would feel like to be in your arms; to taste your kiss, to feel your hands around me.


What if something were to happen? What if after you and I realize that "we" can't exist; would you consider me just as a friend after a kiss, a touch? Would I after that ever hear soothing sound of your voice? Or would it be like chain lightning threading it's way between our bodies?


I like the way I feel when I'm with you. No one ever said me the things that you have said to me. You make me smile; make me feel alive, feel important. I always wanted to feel like that, but now I'm afraid to show you that you made me feel this way. Does that make sense?


I don't know you. Not really. But in the short time that I have known you I've come to care about you very much. I love the sound of your voice, so soothing. Your sense of humor keeps me on my toes too, even if you're just sarcastic about something. You care for me, although you know I'm hiding something from you. I like that you are open with me, I know I can tell you almost anything. Almost.

I wish I could tell you the truth. It doesn't feel right that I'm lying to you. You deserve to know who I really am. 'Cause I'm not the person you think I am.

They made me to come here, to pretend to be someone who I'm not. To lie.

But now it's time to say the truth.

There is no Iris Yuri. She never existed. Do you know now who I am?

A teenager in the Witness Protection Program.

You once asked me if I ever had any regrets. Well I do now. I regret that I can't give you what you deserve, 'cause somehow I feel that you wouldn't be happy with me. I feel that I'm not good enough for you, pretty enough for you. I'm to complicate. And even if I would try something I know it wouldn't end god for us, and I would end up breaking a promise I made myself. Never cause unnecessary pain to those who I care for.

And that would be the risk I would be taking. I don't think I could bear to hurt you, and it would hurt me if I were to lose what I have with you now.
It's a risk I'm not willing to take, and I'm sorry for it.


Your friend, Hitomi Kanzaki