Hey.

Grr. I am just as angry at myself as I am sure you guys are with me. I am sorry this is a touch late. I do have excuses, but I shall not waste your time with them. Originally, this chapter and the next one were just one chapter, but then it got huge, so I split them. This one is quite an interesting one, which I suppose challenges one aspect of my classic comforting Magnus.

At some stage or another, we are all put into positions where we are overwhelmed by curiosity, when perhaps it is best to leave things be. We, as people, always feel that if we know someone's problem, we can fix it for them, while we may in actuality just be hurting them. Sometimes we desire to learn everyone's secrets, to try and weave a safety net, but this so often results in failure.

Sometimes, we just have to let things be… and sometimes we push it too far…

(Deep, I know).

Random Fact No. 23847238: King Charles the Second is the reason women can perform in plays and puritan ways are no longer the law (puritans took away makeup, sport, plays, fun, and even though they were a branch of the church, Christmas). Basically, I love Charles the Second. He also did a heap of other stuff, like setting the man who not only attempted to steal the crown jewels, but also made an attempt on his life free. See here, a song about lovely Charlie: http: / www. youtube. com/ watch?v=P2kyNbZc7oc

Remove spaces and enjoy.

Magnus eyed Jace as he approached his crying beloved, making hushed sounds which were supposed to be soothing while the warlock was forced to stand back, unable to touch or hold the shadowhunter who cowered behind the bed they had so recently shared. He wanted so badly to reach out and comfort him, but something was wrong with Alec… something he couldn't control.

When the boy had originally awoken, it had seemed like he had woken from a nightmare… except different still. His whole body had been still, his breathing even. He had seemed to be in a worrisomely deep sleep, but if he had actually been in a deep sleep, Alec wouldn't remember whatever horrors he had faced in the night. When he had started to bawl, Magnus had tried to ask what was wrong, tried to tell him it was okay and hold him close, but Alec's sobs only increased, alongside heartbreaking screams of terror. He had leaped away to hide behind his bed, as though Magnus was a nightmarish monster, and at that moment, Magnus had started to worry that he was.

"Alec… Alec it is okay now. It is just me and Magnus, no one is going to hurt you now," plead Jace, his voice an octave higher than usual. Perhaps this was one of his first attempts to comfort someone in a state of pure insanity. Alec, who was holding his face in his hands, gave a whimper. Jace turned to Magnus, comforting façade thrown aside. "What the hell happened? One moment, everything is silent, the next all I can hear is my brother screaming in the early hours of the morning. I am not going to accuse you of anything, warlock, but if you did anything – anything – you had better fess up now."

"I don't know." A bitter smirk crossed Magnus's tired face. "I never know. It feels like I never really knew how Alec felt before. The best answer I can possibly give is that no, I did not harm him or even utter a hateful word before he awoke like this."

"I was a dream, then?" Jace sounded more confused than the situation warranted, even as they both heard the unyielding gasps of the eldest Lightwood as he flinched at their voices.

"You almost sound like this fact makes a fatal difference." Magnus wondered how long it would be before the Silent Brothers arrived. Jace hadn't been the only one to hear the screams of his brother. Isabelle had come shortly after the blond, only to be shoved out the door to find help.

"It's just… Alec doesn't dream. Not really. I mean, I know that all people dream, he just never remembers more than flashes or glimpses, faces or scenes. He hates it, especially when Izzy, Max and I would dream of the most intriguing things. He used to tell us that it was because he was the least interesting." Jace caught Magnus's foul expression, and hurriedly continued. "Not that he is, Magnus, you know I wouldn't say that. It's just what he said."

"So, the fact that he is dreaming now," began Magnus, ignoring Jace's later comments, "could either be from trauma… or this thing is hijacking his thoughts when he sleeps."

Silence fell over the two boys, both listening to Alec. Looking at Magnus's face, Jace was left somewhat frightened. Every time Alec made a noise – a gasp, a trembling plea – the warlock would seemingly wince as though having been fatally struck. Jace knew the feeling. It took every ounce of strength he possessed not to force Alec into an embrace, but the older teen refused to be touched, every touch causing him more distress. To their slight relief, Alec was seemingly calming down, but that might only be a temporary reaction to having been left alone.

"Why did it have to be him, Magnus? Anyone else… he isn't weak, but Isabelle could have taken it better. She doesn't like to reach out for help, but when things are beyond her control, she doesn't shy away. He lets things creep up on him, and just ends up getting hurt. He has that stupid complex of needing to be responsible, and he lets it go too far." Jace and Magnus couldn't see Alec, but they were both faced in his direction. "I wouldn't wish it on Isabelle, of course, I just-"

"No, I know what you mean. I wish it had been me, too." It was funny how Magnus had known exactly what he had meant, without having to be told. "And Alec will make it through all this, I know he will." Magnus's voice was far from stable and certain, but his words still held power even as he lowered his voice. "I won't let him fall, Jace. I will do everything and anything to insure that Alec makes it out okay. I will take any burden, pay any price to insure that his smile contains no sign of insanity for as long as we live."

Sometimes Magnus wondered why he said these things. He wanted to be Alec's hero, his knight in the endless darkness, but it was all just talk. He didn't know how he was going to fix Alec, nor how things could possibly get better. When Alec was quivering, afraid of the touch from the very man he adores the most in the world, there seemed to be little to look forward to, even as Isabelle came rushing into the room alongside the Silent Brothers. Jace barely seemed to notice, though, approaching Alec like a nurse to a shell shocked patient.

"Alec, can you hear me? Tell me what is wrong, Alec, and I will fix it for you, 'kay? I will make it all alright again, Alec. You don't have to be afraid." Jace's voice still sounded awkward, but Alec's head peeked above the bed, signifying that Alec could understand him. Magnus thought he heard Isabelle gasp at the sight of her shaking brother.

"J-Jace… I… I'm sorry," Alec replied, using that awful phrase he kept misusing. He had no reason to be sorry, but as he stood there, he looked almost ashamed. Something had changed… before, he had been blind with fear, but now he simply seemed upset, even as he still quivered. "I… I am sorry for having woken you all… it's nothing. Please go back to bed-"

"In what universe is this nothing, Alec? Please, tell me what happened. Please." Magnus tried to smile but the gesture melted away as Alec flinched as he spoke, as though terrified of him.

Step back, Bane. He is understandably frightened.

Magnus looked up at the Silent Brother who had communicated to him, before responding in his mind. Why? Do you know what happened?

Trust me, warlock, when I tell you that you won't be doing anyone any favours by approaching him like this-

But I need to know! You know I need to know. Magnus was losing his calm. Alec was frightened, and he once again had no idea why or how to help.

Drop it, Bane. You will find out later, when he is ready. Do not push this.

They already knew what was going on, the Silent Brothers. They already knew, even while Alec only just seemed to be recovering from a melt-down. Magnus looked at Jace, as if to tell him to try again with Alec, receiving a funny look in return. It was as if he too were wondering why Magnus was not allowed to approach his beloved.

"Alec, we don't mind being awake, just let me help you up." Jace stretched his honey tanned hand out towards Alec, trying to look confident and careless, as though everything was guaranteed to be fine. Hesitantly, Alec took his brother's outstretched hand and slowly picked himself up from the floor, looking humiliated and as though he were about to faint. Jace gave Alec a soft smile and pulled the taller boy into a supportive embrace, partially born from affection, but also from a need to physically hold Alec as he struggled to stand. Alec was still crying, the sobs apparent as he leaned into Jace's shoulder.

"I didn't meant to, Jace… I was just a little bit scared. I overreacted, and I am sorry. It was nothing – nothing worth being concerned over – so please just leave." Alec's voice was so unsteady, and as Magnus watched Jace holding his love in his arms, Magnus could not help but wish that he was the one holding Alec.

"If it is really nothing Alec, then why won't you look at Magnus? You love him, don't you? Can't you see how worried he is?" Jace spoke gently, seeming uncomfortable being so close to Alec as the others, Isabelle, Magnus and the Silent Brothers, watched them with keen eyes.

"I do! I s-swear, Jace, I do love him… I just… He can't know, Jace." Alec's voice was a whisper, but his eyes distinctly drifted towards the Silent Brothers. "He cannot find out. Please, do not let him find out. I am sorry to have had those thoughts, believe me-"

"We believe you, Alec, we do," soothed Jace, looking positively confused out of his wits, eyes seeming to gesture for Magnus to come over and help him, and Magnus obliged willingly. "Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. You know this thing is hurting you-"

"You don't understand, Jace! I did it. I did that, and he…" Alec turned to Magnus for the first time since waking, daring to meet his gaze. "You would hate me if you knew what I thought. You would be so disgusted in me."

"Nothing, Alexander, could ever leave me disgusted with you. If you didn't already know that, I am telling you now that I love you, and nothing is going to change that-"

"How can you know that?" whispered Alec, eyes filled with tears as he locked his gaze on the warlock's. "What is more; how can you believe that? If you knew… if you knew what I had thought…"

"It was a dream, Alec. Nothing more than a dream. Whatever happened, whatever we did in that dream, it wasn't real. Come on." Magnus took Alec's hand, trying to ignore the spasm of terror which took hold of Alec's facial muscles, and pulled him down lightly so that they sat side by side on the bed. Had they really been sleeping together, just moments ago? Had that also been but a sweet dream?

"Isabelle, Jace, thank you for your help. You can both go back to your rooms," said Magnus, though he knew that neither sibling would be granted a wink more of sleep. They didn't complain, perhaps knowing that Magnus needed to figure this out. "Brother Eli, if you could please stay." It wasn't a question. Magnus turned to Alec, who had gone back to avoiding his gaze even as they sat but centimetres apart. "You know that I need to know what happened, Alec. I need to be there for you, understand what is happening to you. We are going to need to figure this thing out, alright sweetie?"

Looking at Alec… it was becoming so different each and every time. Sometimes his eyes seemed to hold an entirely different entity, as though the demon was shining through his gorgeous blue depths… but now it was just Alec. It wasn't the usual serious gaze which regularly befell him, nor the expression of sheer glee he had sworn to see more often, but a frightened, terrified tint to Alexander Lightwood's stunning irises. The thought had occurred to him before, that he could just 'magic' Alec happy. When he was sad, and wished he was someone else, but he couldn't do that. Not to Alec, who was as close to perfect as he dared to ask. He would never fiddle with an ideal. He could not have been any better, his little shadowhunter, than how he was born.

As the others closed the door behind them, Magnus turned to Brother Eli, Alec's hand still in his own, even if it was limp in his grasp.

"So, do you have any idea what happened?" Magnus asked aloud. As awful as this was, Alec needed to find out everything just as much as he did. He still didn't seem to have a firm grasp on what was real, and what was not. Brother Eli seemed to stare at him as though he was a moron.

If we could have a private moment, I think that might be more appropriate-

He deserves to know, Magnus hissed. Alec shouldn't be kept in the dark. I will not compromise on that.

As you wish. The Silent Brother sounded vaguely bitter, and Magnus wondered when it was that the Brothers had become so sassy. Alexander has had a rather awful dream. This thing, whatever it is, sent Alexander into a state of semi-hibernation. By doing this, the demon was able to attack Alec from the inside, while nothing about his external body – his breathing, heartbeat or sweat glands – would have alerted anyone nearby of his nap time adventures.

Before you say it, Bane, continued Brother Eli, cutting Magnus off before he could ask his question, the reason this is only happening to Alexander now is because all the other times he has slept of recent have been either through runes, spells, or being in a state of deep unconsciousness. You will, of course, proceed to send Alexander to sleep with a Sleeping Spell from now on, so to avoid any more similar incidents. Alexander will not be able to draw a rune on himself as we have temporarily taken his stele away in case another 'situation' arises.

Alec winced, and Magnus realised that Brother Eli was speaking to them both, even though his words referred to Alec as though he wasn't even in the same room.

Something which you may not be aware of is the fact that using Sensors, we are able to detect when Alec is having an 'attack', or 'spasm' if you will. When the demon venom theoretically 'jabs' at his mind, it releases demon energy. Which is why you will require one of these. The Silent Brother threw a Sensor to Magnus. Though I suppose being part demon, you can sense the shift, can't you? If I am correct, that is what woke you up. Magnus tried to take in the information gratefully, but found himself scarcely resisting the urge to scream.

Brother Eli angled his body to the trembling shadowhunter, his psychological voice mimicking the one a secretary might use on the phone. Is there anything you would like to tell your dear beloved, Alexander? Or would you rather I showed Mr Bane for you?

Alec began to shudder again, and it took Magnus a moment to realise that he was shaking his head to say 'no'. The warlock hastily wrapped his arms around his shadowhunter, giving him a tender squeeze. It was perhaps one of the worst feelings imaginable, Magnus decided, to have to sit by your broken lover, with your arm around them uselessly, having no idea what had gotten them into such a state. He wanted – needed – to know what had happened, but it just seemed like he was prying. Was he? Was it even possible that he could just leave Alec's problems alone and pretend that everything was okay? But Alec's problems were his problems, and he could not remedy what he did not know.

"Please don't, Magnus. Please don't see what I thought… what I did. Please don't look," whispered Alec, his thin fingers clutching Magnus's arm a little harder than he intended. Magnus raked Alec over with his eyes, finding himself torn. Alec obviously didn't want him to know what had gone wrong in his mind, but he really needed to know. This was why the shadowhunters were allowing him to be with Alec, wasn't it? To be there for Alec, to be his pillar of support, to understand what was happening, and most importantly, to accept it.

"Alec, my lovely," Magnus ran a hand through Alec's knotted dirty hair, wet from sweat, leaving clean soft black tresses in its wake, "I need to see this." Magnus let his hand fall, cupping the side of Alec's face and tilting it so that the light struck Alec at such an angle that it took no measure of imagination to see that his boy was an angel. Brother Eli's face fell in disgust. Magnus knew that it was not from his affectionate touches with Alec, but rather from the knowledge of the words which were about to befall Magnus's guilty lips. "Do you not trust me, Alec, to understand? Does your love for me fall away when you think you have done wrong, and leave me bewildered as you suffer? Do you think me such a hideous beast as to ridicule the one I love the most?" Magnus had twisted his features into a look of confused hurt, as though he was the one who had been wronged. Magnus wondered what Brother Eli must have been thinking, to have heard such filthy manipulation from someone who was supposed to be being honest and caring. Magnus was disgusted in himself, for trying to guilt Alec into willingly showing him this dark memory.

"Oh Magnus… I didn't mean to… I didn't mean to make you feel that I could…" Alec looked horrified at Magnus's words. "I do not want you to feel bad. If you seriously think that this could help… if it will help you to trust me… you can see." Fresh tears had formed in Alec's dead blue eyes, and Magnus felt his blood run cold. Maybe his curiosity… his need to know what his lover had been forced to witness was verging on obsession. He had pushed it too far too quickly. "I would tell you myself, Magnus, I would, but I can't… I just can't. Brother Eli…"

Done, came the voice of Brother Eli. Did Brother Eli feel bad for Alec? He must have, for he seemed to dislike Magnus immensely. His next words were intended for Magnus alone. I hope you are glad, warlock, to see a boy plagued by waves of insanity cry into your hands because you think you can meddle with his mind and twist him so that he does your bidding. I hope are sincerely chuffed to know exactly how much he blindly loves you. He would lay down his life for you, you who seek to play with his. You are all he thinks about. To please you, and to scold himself for his wrongs against you. I know it wasn't like this before, but you have to accept that you are his lifeline, and there are things you have to learn or let go. This incident would have been one of the latter.

Magnus knew he deserved that. More than deserved it, actually. Alec was hurting all over again, and all because he wanted to know. What was more horrifying for the warlock was that he couldn't bring himself to regret his actions. Even though he felt terrible… he would have done the same thing over. It is too late now, though, isn't it? Replied Magnus, lightly holding Alec as he gazed at the Silent Brother.

Yes, warlock, it is.

Without warning, Brother Eli sent the images of Alec's nightmares spiralling into Magnus's mind. Being presented with someone else's memories is like nothing else. You live them, the way the person before you had, but in the blink of the eye.

In a single instant, Magnus was able to stare into the face of the monster Alec had feared so much with the feeling of terror. He was able to witness the deed Alec had been forced to visualise himself committing as this Dark Magnus turned from loving to savage in a single moment. How he himself had sucked the life from Alec, as he forced Alec to beg for it to be taken.

As though he had any right to take it.

And he could feel what Alec could feel. The initial joy and fondness… the snap from light to dark… the fear… and the worst; hopelessness.

Did Alec truly believe that he would do such a thing? That he would simply turn on him without warning and tear his life away? To have been asked to beg… Magnus felt beyond ill.

Silence engulfed the three figures as the sun almost seemed to settle in the sky.

"A-Alec-c?" Magnus's voice was shaky as he looked up to see Alec's still wobbly figure standing by the window as though enjoying the sight of the early sun. Magnus didn't know why he said his lover's name, nor what his question was, but he found himself repeating it. "Alec?"

Alec turned to face him. Maybe he looked a little less distressed, upon having bared his pain to Magnus, or maybe he had just lost some of his fight. "You saw, didn't you? How pathetic I was? How I had to twist the most wonderful thing in my life into a monster? How weak I was… But it was true. I would have begged to be killed rather than live, knowing that you hate me-"

"No you wouldn't… Alec, I know you wouldn't…"

At some point, Brother Eli had strolled out the door, his last words barely sinking in as Magnus looked into Alec's eyes.

I hope you are happy.

But looking at Alec's distraught, betrayed face, Magnus knew that he couldn't possibly deserve happiness. Not now.

Thank you for reading this for as stunningly long as you all have. Please, please review. Reviews contribute to a certain per cent of my happiness (I will not disclose the number, as it makes me seem a tad pathetic).

Also, if you have questions, just ask (anonymous or signed, I will do my best to answer either).

Thank you all so much.

Teaser

Important: You may have noticed that last chapter's teaser did not come true this chapter. It will, just next chapter (I had to subdivide this chapter). Because of my horribleness, I present you all not only with an apology, but another teaser.

"My, my, Alec, who taught you to kiss like that?" Alec was colouring red, which sometimes felt like Magnus's sole goal in life.

"You," replied Alec, grudgingly.

"And who is the luckiest man in the world, to be able to have you on their arm?" Magnus cocked an eyebrow playfully, and smirked when Alec's face turned calculating and thoughtful.

"Hey, that isn't fair… there isn't a right answer," said Alec mildly.

"Oh?" Magnus pursed his lips.

"You get to have me on your arm, but that doesn't make you in any way lucky…" Magnus's smile slipped in an instant. "Sorry."