Thanks to everyone for their sweet reviews. I wasn't sure what to expect from last chapter and I thank you all for your sweet words.
A small tissue warning for this chapter
Big, huge thanks to Whatobsession17 for pre reading and Mamma4ever for catching all my bad grammar ;)
I saw you cry today
The pain may fill you
I saw you shy away
The pain will not kill you
You made me smile today
You spoke with many voices
We travelled miles today
Shared expressions voiceless
It has to end
Living in your head
Without anything to numb you
Living on the edge
Without anything to numb you
Numb by Sia
BPOV
The pain... the pain was everywhere, it was all consuming. It was a raging fire that had taken over my whole being. Its hot flames licked every part of my body sparing nothing, leaving nothing the way it had been before. The pain was an acid that tore through my veins making me feel like I was being burned alive. I never knew that it was possible to feel that level of torture. It made it hard to breathe; it made it hard to function on any level.
Coming home from the hospital the night my dad died was horrible. I can't explain the feelings that surged through my body. I don't remember leaving the hospital, I don't remember the ride home, and I don't remember being taken inside the house. I do remember my mom going straight upstairs to their bedroom, and I could hear her sobbing. Jasper, Alice and Edward all stayed the night, but gave us our space.
As soon as I knew the three were not going to come up and check on me anymore, I made my way to my mom. Once in the hallway I could hear Alice's soft cries coming from the bathroom. I bypassed the bathroom and went into my parents' room, where my mom was. We lay in their bed and cried. Neither of us ever speaking, just mourning our loss. At some point, I felt her softly running her fingers through my hair, telling me how much she loved me and promising that everything would be ok. I wasn't so sure I believed that. I didn't think I would ever heal from the loss.
February 14
It had been a week since my dad died; the funeral was the next day. It had been a week since my life had been torn down so easily, crashing like a house of cards. I had done just about nothing but lay in bed, help plan a funeral, and lay in bed some more… and cry. Plenty of crying. The days blurred into nights, I never knew if it would be light or dark when I opened my eyes. I had not been back to school and had no desire to ever do so. Alice and Edward had been bringing me assignments, and I had thrown every single one into the trash.
Someone had stayed every night, but don't ask me who. I had been so out of it, nothing having the same meaning that it did before. After the first night, I had given my mom the space that I felt she needed but would never ask for. I could hear her though. I would take my pillow and lie outside her door listening to her cry, and cry with her; sleep never reaching me. Edward had found me lying in the hallway a couple of times, the expression on his face heartbreaking.
Edward would come over and try to get me to eat, to make me shower. I knew all of this had been killing him, but I couldn't find the strength to put on a front for him; I was miserable. He would let me sit with him and just cry. He would hold me and give me the smallest relief from the pain. I hardly talked, nothing felt important to me anymore. He was the only one that I would respond to at all, though. Him and maybe Alice sometimes. He hadn't pushed hard, but had tried to get me to open up a little; I knew my silence scared him.
I had tried to help with the funeral as much as I could, not wanting it to be all on my mom's shoulders. Dale had been a huge help taking care of every legal aspect. I was pretty shocked that he had seemed to drop everything to help our family. My dad's friends from the station and their wives would do whatever they could as well. A large crowd was expected for the funeral. We were having the funeral outside of town in a church that could accommodate the crowd we expected. Charlie was well loved in the community. Many local businesses were offering their services for the funeral. The police station was collecting money for our family to cover the costs of everything that wasn't already being covered. It looked like Renee was going to have to pay very little, if anything at all.
Whenever I thought about the funeral, I would instantly get sick, and usually lose whatever food I had managed to keep down that day. I couldn't imagine going, I had already said goodbye, and now I was going to have to do it publicly. The thought of everyone seeing me so raw... at my worst hour… about killed me.
I had nothing to wear to a funeral and had broken down after realizing it the day before. Edward sat with me going through my closet but there was nothing that was appropriate to wear to my father's funeral. What the fuck do you wear to your father's funeral? Nothing seemed right.
I had been up all day trying to get everything ready for the ceremony the next day. I actually made an effort that day, showered and cleaned my room. For the first time in a week, I put on jeans instead of the dirty sweat pants I had been wearing. What little activity I did exhausted me, and I sat by the window just staring outside. Even though it was irrational, I was offended by other people moving on with their lives. I watched as people went to check their mail or picked kids up at the bus stop. All I could think was "How are you going on? Don't you know that my world has ended?" Like I said, I knew it was irrational, but it was exactly how I felt. I felt myself grow angry at every innocent bystander that crossed my path. People had learned quickly not to ask how I was doing, they really didn't need to; it was obvious that I was a mess.
I grew tired of watching the world go on without me and crawled back into bed, clutching a shirt that I had stolen from my dad's dresser; it still smelled like him. I gripped it as hard as I could and let it soak up the tears that I felt would never stop.
EPOV
Hell. If I had to describe that week in one word that would be it. There had been nothing but pain; the feeling of loss so strong. Alice and I had lost the only man that showed interest in our lives that far surpassed any interest our own fathers had showed. Jasper felt as if he had lost a friend. The Forks Police Department had lost their chief and a good friend. Renee had lost her husband, her high-school sweetheart. And Bella, well Bella had lost her father. She was completely devastated as was Renee.
Renee had had a mask on around me and others for the most part. She knew business had needed to be done and that a funeral needed to be planned. I was so impressed at her resilience. I knew she had broken down, though, I had heard her in her room when it all became too much.
Bella had no mask, her pain had been an open wound. I had never seen someone so broken. Some days she would let me hold her while she cried or let me rub her back to help her sleep. Other times she would be completely cut off to the world. I had shown up at her house after school a couple of times only to find her curled up in a ball outside her parents' bedroom door, crying. Nothing in the world could hurt me like seeing her in pain. My parents had tried, though.
They had been shitheads about everything. A little slack had been cut so I could go over and help, but the previous night my mom had sat me down to let me know that after the funeral all the restrictions would be going back to normal. I had let her know that it would be a cold day in hell before she would keep me from Bella again. She had also insisted on being at the funeral. I honestly think my mom's heart was in the right place wanting to go and show her sympathy - she didn't get that everyone basically hated her. Her being there would be like pouring salt on their wounds. I didn't focus on it though, Bella was much more important than whatever shit my mother was trying to pull.
Emmett seemed to feel genuinely bad about it. Bella and he were good friends at one point. He gave me a letter asking me to give it to her, knowing I wouldn't let him get within a city block of her. It was a shitty thing to do, but I read it, refusing to give it to her if he had said something nasty. It just had a picture of them at some school event sometime the year before and on the back of it he had just written: I'm so sorry... for everything. I never gave it to her. I just put it in a pile with all the rest of the cards from everyone else, deciding he was no more important than everyone else that had sent her a card. I wasn't hiding it from her; I just knew she had no emotional energy to deal with him on top of everything else.
Bella could be quiet for hours at a time, not speaking once, then out of the middle of nowhere she would break down or lash out in anger. Like the day before when she had had a complete breakdown over having nothing to wear to Charlie's funeral. I had never seen her so upset about clothing, but I guess I knew that it really had nothing to do with the clothing itself.
That's how I ended up in the fucking women's department at the mall. Staring at rack after rack of girly shit I knew nothing about. I was trying to find something for Bella to wear, to take one stress off her. I almost asked Alice to do it, but knew that she was dealing with grief of her own.
I had been in the damn store for over an hour at that point and decided to just buy what I was holding and hoped she would like it enough to wear it. It was just a modest black dress with long sleeves that had a wrap that tied around the waist, I figured it would land right at her knees. It was made of a soft material and I hoped that it would be comfortable for her. I had no idea what was appropriate for a woman to wear to a funeral and hoped that dress would be ok.
I looked at my watch and saw that it was after six o'clock. I needed to get to Bella's. I wanted to make sure she liked the dress in time for me to be able to take it back and get something different if she hated it. Another dilemma I was dealing with was that it was Valentine's Day. I didn't think there was a shittier Valentine's Day in history. I knew that Bella wouldn't want to celebrate, I wasn't even sure if she was aware of the date. I didn't want her to think that I had forgotten about her though, so I picked up flowers and a card on the way to her house.
When I walked into the house it was quiet. If I didn't know better I would have thought no one was home. I made my way up the stairs to Bella's closed bedroom door. I opened it and quietly walked in. Bella was asleep in her bed, just like I had found her so many times in the middle of the day, but I was so happy to see that she was wearing jeans and seemed to have cleaned her room a little. It was more than she had done all week. I sat in a chair she must have moved over by her window and watched her sleep. She didn't even seem to find peace in her sleep. Her hands were in tight fists, her jaw clenched and her eyebrows knitted together. I coudn't stand watching her go through all that pain, and the funeral the next day was going to be horrible.
When the sun set, I walked over and sat on the edge of her bed. I gently ran a hand through her hair and rubbed her hands in hopes that she would loosen her fists. She started to stir and opened her eyes.
"Hey," I said softly.
"Hi," she said, her voice coming out hoarse. She sat up, leaning against her headboard, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
"How you feelin'?" I asked. She just shrugged in response. Not too long after that, she curled up with her head in my lap, and I ran my hands through her soft hair. We sat in silence until her voice broke through.
"I can't do it Edward."
"What, baby?" I asked.
"Tomorrow, I can't. I'm... not going," she said, her voice breaking. I took a deep breath while I thought about what would be the best thing to say to her.
"Bella, no one is going to make you go. I do think, though... one day, maybe not soon, but one day you will regret it if you dont." It was the only thing that came to mind. I didn't want to tell her that it would be good for her, or that it would give her closure. I was pretty sure it was going to break her, but I did know that she would feel guilty and regret not going.
"I know... I know that I would regret it, but I can't go. I don't think I'll make it through," she said, sniffling.
"Babe, what do you think you need to do? No one is expecting anything. You're going for your dad and no one else. You don't have to make it through, if it's too much, one word and I'll get you out of there, I promise." I would get her out of there if that's what she needed, but I had a feeling that once she was there she would see it through.
"Promise?" she asked quietly.
"Promise what?" I asked.
"That you'll leave with me if I can't make it through."
"I promise," I said, kissing the top of her head. She sat up and stretched, pulling her hair into a pony tail. I wasn't sure how she would react to my buying her an outfit, but I figured right then was as good as time as any to give it to her.
"Bella, I know that you were stressed out about what you were going to... uh wear tomorrow. I saw this and thought... well, here." I just handed her the box the dress was in, not really knowing how to explain what my train of thought was. She opened it, and I saw a tear roll down her cheek; I mentaly kicked myself for giving it to her.
"Thank you, Edward," she said to the dress box, not looking up at me. I didn't say anything back, just sat waiting to see if she needed a minute. She shocked me by standing up and stripping her clothing off. I felt my pants getting tight seeing her in nothing but her panties, apparently she hadn't put a bra on that day. I thought of baseball, Jasper in a Speedo, anything to get the problem in my pants to go away. That was not the appropriate time for my body's reaction. She slipped the dress over her beautiful curves and tied it at the waist. Even though the occasion for the dress was a horrific one, she still looked beautiful wearing it.
"Thank you, Edward." She turned from the mirror to face me. "Really," she added with a soft smile. She walked forward and gave me a big hug, I could feel her tears wetting the shoulder of my shirt. She must have caught a glimpse of the gerbera daisies I had bought her as she looked over my shoulder, because I heard her gasp softly.
"What are those?" she asked.
"I knew you wouldn't want to celebrate, but I didn't want you to think that I forgot about Valentine's Day," I said, hoping she wouldn't be mad at me for acknowledging something so trivial as Valentine's Day during the worst time of her life. She stood and walked toward the flowers, smelling them and reading what I had written on the card. She seemed ok, and then I suddenly heard her gasping for air; sobs ripping through her. I rushed over and wrapped my arms around her, apologizing for the flowers.
"No, no... Edward... it's not you. Thank you so much for the flowers." After calming down and getting her breathing back to normal, she explained to me that Charlie would always get her flowers on Valentine's Day, he had even sent them to school before. She explained that she didn't even realize that it was Valentine's Day and it just made her realize that she would never again get another flower from her dad. My heart broke, but I vowed to myself that she would never have a Valentine's Day without flowers, ever. Even though her dad wouldn't be there anymore, I would do everything I could to make sure she still got everything she was used to and more.
I was so glad that she had opened up to me and talked to me about why the flowers had upset her. She had been so quiet lately, it was so nice to hear her voice again.
Renee, Bella, Alice and I had dinner together then we all decided to get to bed. I wasn't sure what any of us were going to face the next day.
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