Almost But Never Enough

The plan truly was something worthy of a child. They, meaning Jack and the Master, with Ianto wandering aimlessly, repaired the machine in a matter of hours and that included every possible check up the Timelord could think of before deeming it ready and going to wake up his lover.

"What was all that yelling about?" Jack immediately questioned when they were left alone. It came out of the blue, hanging in the air for a few seconds.

Ianto's back stiffened and his only response was a shaky, "Yelling?"

"Don't play dense, Yan. You and the Master, you were fighting."

The Welshman risked a glance at his lover and when he saw fire in those eyes, anger that hasn't been directed towards him for so long, he swallowed thickly. That was the moment of truth, eh? And judging by Jack's expression he wasn't a big fan of their situation.

"I..."

To be honest, something he rarely was, neither was Ianto.

"What did you mean with 'part time shag'?" Angered by the silence, Jack finally took the conversation into his hands and that was the first thing that passed his lips. The voice wasn't irritated, though, it was mostly... disbelieving, disappointed. Jack stared at him, unmistakable sadness in his eyes, as he continued. "What did I do? And can something that will bind us for as long as it's possible be considered a mistake!?"

Suddenly, everything became clear to Ianto and his whole body relaxed. Jack had heard only the second part of their conversation, the unimportant, not-revealing-any-secrets one.

"It'll happen, sooner or later. Look, I'm not exactly the person to whom you should go for a dating advice but this is something tremendous. You can't keep it hidden."

"I can't tell him" Ianto's voice rose before he took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. "I can't tell him that he is stuck with me for a lifetime, with me- a part time shag, just because he made a mistake in the past! He is not like that, monogamous, faithful... how can I be sure that I'll have him for 2 years yet alone 20? How can I force him to be with me?"

"I understand. But this secret, dear boy..."

At this point a noise outside the kitchen had made them break apart and go back to their jobs like guilty boys, almost caught in an immoral act. In a sense they were exactly that. However, even in his wildest dreams Ianto couldn't have thought that the person that had eavesdropped on their conversation would be his lover.

A Time machine was a curious thing. Especially reversed. Powerful, too. Just imagine having the power of a paradox, able to go back and meet yourself, talk to yourself, prevent all those mistakes that had burdened your life. That was the power of a god, a rather remorseful and and self-despising one, but a deity nonetheless. And if there was a race that loved playing god, even if they denied it, hiding behind the pretense they were only watching, it was the Timelords.

Then why weren't they killing each other over the chance to obtain a machine that could triple their abilities? The answer was simple, Ianto had received it when he fired that same question to the man who willingly had become a sort of a mentor to him. Turning the paradox machine into what it had formerly been was a long and dangerous process, the Master from his past had explained. On top of that, it was inevitable.

The universe could stand the rotting only so much before it collapsed onto itself. Which explained the side effect to the procedure- a paradox was so powerful that even the memory of it could harm, so the person doing it, cleansing the fabric of the universe of its stinking existence had to "delete" the memory of everyone that had ever been in contact with it. It was automatic... and irreversible.

It was also the one thing that made Ianto pause and wonder if he could tell his lover. Jack was watching him expectantly, a gleam in his eyes that told the Welshman he thought he had won, that he had broken his lover and he swallowed thickly. He opened his mouth, closed it again.

He wasn't going to lose anything, his mind argued. Nothing except of his mind, a thing that was already long gone, and his heart, sure to be broken by the hurtful worlds. Then again, even that wasn't his anymore. In exchange he would receive hatred and disgust, violence perhaps, from the one whose opinion he treasured the most. What a bargain.

Or maybe not... however, being a paradox didn't necessary mean loving yourself or the ones like you, it had never been supposed to be like that, maybe because the chance of two paradoxes ever meeting each other... Besides, Ianto was more than that. He was a fixed point in time from another dimension. He was pretty sure if there was ever a contest, he would beat everyone by default.

He smiled, a soft, somewhat forced pull of his white lips, but Jack returned it, the brightness of his almost making up for the lack of life in the other's.

"Will I ever see you smile like that if I tell you?" Ianto asked himself before his muscles twitched in a grimace. Yes, yes he would.

Because for Jack this will be a never dreamt nightmare, a memory he couldn't have. For Ianto too, until he died. Until, like every time he was swallowed by depression and without knowing, without even guessing, because how could he, he was going to be just like everyone on the planet, until he took a couple of pills more and welcomed the darkness. A place where you couldn't hide from your memories, no matter how forbidden they were.

And Ianto would know, would hear the words thrown his way every night, would feel the slap, the disgust while his lover lived in the comfortable little world of not-knowing.

"I'll tell you," instead whispered Ianto. "I promise."

The words left him empty and hurting, but Jack took his hand and squeezed it. And for a moment it was worth it.

The Doctor, a man of peace and forgiveness, a man who would never pass judgment, would never hold a grudge... would never hate, so soft and broken, couldn't stop glaring at Ianto. He was looking at the Welshman as if the man before him was a piece of gum stuck on the universe's shoes, as if he was so foul and wicked he didn't deserve to be alive. As if the Doctor knew the truth.

It made Ianto hyper-aware of everything else that was happening around him, the glances the Timelord and his lover were exchanging, especially after a particularly rude remark from one of them, the twisting of their mouths when he was too close. It also forced Ianto to wonder if Jack could sense the same thing that made them react this way to his proximity.

If his lover smelled the wrongness on him. If he was as disgusting to him as he was to them.

Then rationality caught up with him and he remembered he himself could hardly smell it on Jack and that was with him knowing what to search for. His poor lover wasn't even aware of what he had gotten himself into.

Luckily, it wasn't long before the Timelords' attention shifted from Ianto to each other. Jack made the mistake to actually ask what was going on, a thing Ianto had learnt lead only to trouble and lowered self-esteem, because who in their right mind could understand the talk of two crazy geniuses, really?

When the Doctor and the Master talked they resembled those annoying couples that finished each other's sentences and wore matching sweaters. It should have been disgusting but their smiles were bright and identical and Ianto's heart ached. He felt like an intruder, he didn't notice when he was grasping for Jack's hand, for some sort of reminder that he belonged there. It was just a delusion, still it made him feel a little better.

When they were done, an hour later and 40 minutes more than it should have been, the two Timelords gazed at them like proud parents that have just explained quantum physics to their 4 year old kids and now were expecting some sort of reaction. Ianto and Jack just felt like said 4 year olds.

"A...ha," Jack drawled, nodding once. The way his eyes darted from one corner of the room to the other as if searching for an explanation on the walls that was written in simple English, gave away his utter lack of understanding. It also showed he had learnt the most important thing there was to know about Timelords. You never asked them anything. Ever.

"So we won't remember anything?" Ianto asked, fully focused on maintaining his voice clear and innocent.

From behind the Doctor he could see the Master nodding slightly. That was exactly what the Timelord had asked of him, soon after he had arrived hand-in-hand with his lover. He had warned him to play dumb, to ask questions to which he knew the answer, to be a noisy little human just like Jack would expect. Play an act as he had put it.

'You might even please Theta,' the Master had teased.

It hadn't been something Ianto had received well and he had even tried to explain that it wasn't in his character, the one he was playing and the real him, to ask questions, relevant or not.

'When faced with the unknown people often act out of character, boy,' had been the Timelord's playful remark and with that their conversation had seemed finished.

Those words had made the Welshman a little sick and it had almost nothing to do with the fact the alien had once again called him that dreaded pet name. It made him wonder if perhaps Jack would too act unnaturally if, when, Ianto told him.

Bottom line was he was doing it, acting dumb and so... human, because of course they wouldn't remember anything, the Timelords had just explained it. It was only to make the Master happy.

The hopefulness in his eyes, though, told a different story.

"No, we are in the eye of the storm, we'll be the only one that remember." Sweetly, happily, as if he was glad he could answer the question from the little silly human, but Ianto knew better, the Doctor replied.

The Welshman didn't know what made him wobble on his feet, that rose the bile in his throat. Maybe it was the voice soaked in venom he had never imagined would be turned his way, maybe it was the words themselves, the realization that there was no escaping the oath he had given. Perhaps even it was the sudden reminder he would have never could.

For he was not the only frequenter of the abyssal afterlife and the other one he knew of was currently holding him close and asking if he was all right.

"Yes, just too much. I mean aliens I could deal with but time travel and paradoxes? I need time to assimilate it," Ianto lied with an ease that came only after years of avoiding the truth with a passion.

It was humiliating, but not that much when he thought about it, because surely it had happened before, today, how quickly he melted in his lover's embrace, a content sigh passing his lips.

"It's alright, Yan," Jack whispered. "I'm here. I'll always be here." The immortal lied just as easily but Ianto couldn't blame him. That was Jack for you, things like that he just ignored. For all the Welshman knew, his lover, in that exact moment, felt like they would always be together.

Lie or not, it still made shivers run down Ianto's spine. He opened his mouth to reply with something equally cheesy and cliche and... heartwarming when the whole room shook and the Master's voice rung in the air.

"It's all right."

Having spend so much time near those two, Ianto had learnt a little Timelord-y and he knew those exact words meant, "Prepare yourself, something bad is going to happen." The ground beneath them did the same little dance, catching him tugging on Jack's arm to make him move toward the aliens, where, at least, it was safer.

This was why instead of succeeding in helping the other man he caused his, both of theirs actually, fall. In just a matter of seconds they found themselves in the rather comfortable position that consisted of Jack lying on top of Ianto. The immortal smiled apologetically,or at least that was what he should have been aiming for but instead it came tempting and holding so many promises.

So Jack-like.

And Ianto forgot he was laying under the man who had come so close to revealing his true identity, in a room with aliens that wouldn't want anything more than to erase him just like they were going to do with their paradox. He grinned back.