Murmured conversation met the morning along with the groaning of a coffee machine as Tegan
stumbled into the kitchen.
She had woken to an empty bed this morning, the sheets beside her smoothed of wrinkles and so
cool that for a moment, Tegan wondered if she had merely imagined that Sara had fallen asleep next
to her. But she remembered Sara's warmth and the scent of vanilla body wash as the bed creaked to
her shuffles in the midst of her dreams. She also remembered the distinct urge to wrap her arms
around Sara's waist and nuzzle the nape of her neck with her nose to catch a whiff of her scent and
feel her skin, along with the exasperated sigh that filled the room as she denied her body that
temptation. She really needed to get a girlfriend to fulfill all of the rising needs to be intimate in
ways that extended far beyond sex before she started clinging to Sara and making them both
uncomfortable. She had never been in a friends with benefits relationship before, but she was fairly
sure if one party became too invested with cuddling, the other one bailed as soon as they could. The
last thing she wanted was for Sara to feel immured.
Shaking the worried thoughts of how Sara would react if she felt caged, she padded into the kitchen
to discover where her bed partner had run off to. She was sitting with Emy at the table, dressed to
her natural perfection of a dark blue button down and trousers held up by a white belt, her hair
falling over her eyes as she nodded to whatever it was Emy was enthusiastically spewing.
Neither woman had noticed Tegan's presence as she took a moment to watch them in the shadows.
Emy's grin was taking over her entire face, flooding through her eyes and pulling at her cheeks as she
spoke, waving her hands in the air to attempted descriptive gestures. She was wearing pajama pants,
her hair pulled into messy ponytail that fell across one shoulder while loose strands fell messily
around her face. Her legs were pulled up to her chest on the chair, her shoulder slumped casually.
Sara sat across from her, straight like a board against the back of the chair. Her hands were clasped
in her lap, delicate ankles crossed underneath the table. Her responses were tainted with an extra,
nervous lisp than she usually spoke with and her words faint under the roll of her breath.
They were yin and yang, so starkly different. Tegan wondered if that's what she looked like next to
Sara.
They represented two different worlds, one light and glowing with a bold heart and the other dark
and yet shadowed by unbelievably soft grays, the heart shy and dim as it hid behind the depths of
darkness. They resented the two parts of Tegan's life; her childhood was engrained with Emy, but
adulthood weaved into Sara. They looked so odd sitting there under the pink morning sky, holding
meaning they couldn't fathom as they giggled over a book Tegan had never heard of.
She looked to Sara, checking to make sure she wasn't too anxious. Her features held a tightness they
didn't with Tegan herself. But she was smiling, her lips tugged sweetly as her eyes danced shyly
between Emy's gesticulating and beaming face behind the thick fan of her eyelashes.
Irrational annoyance was sluggish and heavy in Tegan's temples. She liked being the one Sara
opened up enough to smile that charmingly. It was good that she and Emy were becoming friends,
but Tegan felt that smile was hers. Emy was her best friend, and she would never admit it out loud,
but she didn't want her to receive that special Sara look. She didn't know why she felt possessive of
a fucking smile her friend wore; she could not even begin to explain that, but it tore through her
chest with velocity that baffled her. It was just a smile, she had no ownership over it. It meant Sara
was feeling comfortable enough to be herself. What did it matter who it was directed at?
But even as her mind placated her gnawing irritation, she thundered into the kitchen and dragged
one of the free chairs over the floor with a terrible, intentional screech. "There you are!" she
interrupted their conversation with a bit of self-disgust. She was being a child, but she couldn't stop
herself. "I thought you'd run off or something."
Sara's attention was successfully diverted from Emy to Tegan, her smile unwavering and almost
warming around the edges. "Where on earth did you believe I ventured to, Tegan Rain?" Flushing,
Tegan shrugged. She hadn't really thought that through. "I awoke and you were sleeping quite
soundly. I did not want to stir you. Emily was kind enough to keep me company."
Tegan gave a short hum, sparing Emy only a sideways glance long enough to see her watching the
two of them with squinted eyes. "How are you feeling about today, Sara?" She asked, leaning into
closely into Sara with a wide grin. Sara did not try to escape her breach of personal space, giving a
noncommittal shrug. "Aw, c'mon! Today's the big day!"
"Wait, what big day?" Emy piped up, forgotten on the other side of the table.
"Oh, shit. We didn't tell you? Sara got a call yesterday." Tegan swung an arm around Sara's
shoulders, tugging her closer to shake her tiny frame with a proud beam, "She has her very first job
interview at noon for that restaurant down the street that sells those really fuckin' good
cheesecakes."
"You've got a job interview at Martin's?" Emy asked Sara.
"Yup!" Tegan nodded, speaking up for Sara. "That's the place. Martin's. And she's totally going to
fucking nail it." She squeezed her friend's shoulder, excited for Sara in ways she hadn't even been for
herself when she had her first interview.
Sara did not move from under Tegan's arm as she craned her neck to look her in the eye, their faces
so close that Tegan found herself drifting forward. She was pulled by an anchor, dragging her lips
closer to the tempting pink pair that seemed to part on instinct when Tegan's breath brushed soft
skin, eyes fixed on the tongue that peeked out to wet a pouty bottom lip. She cocked her head to
the side, her fringe brushing the bridge of her nose as she inched forward until abruptly, Sara backed
her head away.
Confused, Tegan lifted her gaze to Sara's eyes that glanced over at Emy before looking back at Tegan
with a look she could read loud and clear: No kissing in front of other people.
Her chest was stinging as she hastily took her arm back and rested her hand in her lap. Sara's soft
hazel eyes were clear blue. The full lips she had been denied thinned and lightened. Pale skin
darkened a tint while a button nose shrunk and lifted. Tegan was looking into the face of rejection.
She was looking at Theresa, glowering while she pointedly shook Tegan's hand from her clasp and
hissed her opposition when Tegan had dared to hold it at a party. She was stewing in the pain of her
endearments being carelessly shrugged away, the hurt in her chest old yet bold in its reappearance.
She was sick of it. So fucking sick of being shrugged off and discarded-
A soft hand touched her knee beneath the table, pulling her from renewed insecurity. She glanced
through a curtain of hair to see Sara's lips pulled into a frown and her eyes gentled. There was an
apology etched in warm, dark eyes that no longer held any trace of sharp blue. It reminded Tegan
that Sara was not Theresa; she was an entirely different being, who was exploring a new world and
was not yet completely comfortable in Emy's presence. She was a person who had been caught
kissing another woman and lost her mother's love as a repercussion, forcing her to fear placing her
lips near anyone else under prying eyes. And, most importantly, Sara was not her fucking girlfriend.
She was her friend and should not warrant such petty hurt when she denied her a kiss.
Embarrassment formed prickling heat on the back of her neck as she sent Sara a small grin, allowing
her understanding to pour through her teeth. "Uh, so… yeah. Are you excited, Sara?"
Concern was still swimming in Sara's eyes. Her hand delicately, and hesitant in its movements,
squeezed over Tegan's knee. Her fingertips brushed her bare skin in soothing circles, erupting
sensations that shot to Tegan's squirming stomach. There was something excited expanding her
chest. But it made her uncomfortable. She feared that the glimpse of Theresa she saw in Sara had
warped her brain and mirrored a false flash of a relationship, tugging at her heart as it yearned for
love. Sara's gentle touch did not help that moment of pathetic wishes. It was too affectionate, too
reassuring and apologetic from her actions. It made her irrational; it made her wish for more. But it
was not sex she was craving.
Hurriedly, she tugged her knee away from Sara's touch, the skin warming instead of cooling when
her fingers disappeared. She peeked through her lashes as Sara's hand hovered above the air
Tegan's knee had occupied before her fingers curled into her palm and drifted to rest in her own lap.
When Tegan looked up, Sara's eyes had fallen to the table and her head bowed as she replied
mechanically, "I am not sure how the possibility of exploring a mundane career could create
excitement."
Guilt stormed in Tegan's gut. She had been teaching Sara how to drift from her shell and warm to
human contact and emotions, yet the moment Sara tried to emote, she was pushed away. She had
surely confused the other woman, who had no idea the whirlwind thoughts brewing in Tegan's mind.
Sara's attempt at breaching open friendliness should not have been shrugged off as coldly as Tegan's
love had been by her ex-girlfriend. She was trying to do what Tegan was asking of her for the
betterment of herself, and it was probably a smack in the face to be shoved away. This was all new
to her, she had no idea how romantic her gesture felt.
Sighing, Tegan placed her hand on Sara's back and rubbed her own silent apology through the thin
material of Sara's button up. "You should be excited. This is the start of everything. It could be your
first job and then you'll get money, and you'll chip into your first thing of rent. It'll be great, Sara."
Confusion was tight in the knit of Sara's brows as she looked Tegan over like a particularly difficult
puzzle. Tegan cracked a small smile in response and felt Sara's back heave in a silent sigh before
easing the tension between her shoulders. Tegan took that as forgiveness. "I suppose it is mildly
thrilling. Not the job itself, but the possibilities."
"Exactly!" Tegan grinned, brushing the covered material of Sara's bra as she took her hand back. "I'll
bike you over there around eleven thirty so you can be early and just hang out and wait. Afterwards,
maybe we can get celebratory ice cre-"
"Uh, Tegan?" Emy piped up. Startled, Tegan jerked at her voice. She had forgotten she was there.
"You can't take Sara today."
"Why not?" Tegan frowned.
"It's August next week." Emy explained slowly, but only cocked her head in response. "All the new
culinary kids come in to visit the school today. You volunteered to help with the set up the little
booths and talk to kids. You even volunteered me to help with the set up since not enough people
did, you dick. Remember?"
"Is that today?" Tegan crinkled her brow, rushing over a mental calendar.
"Yes. We have to leave in two hours."
"Shit. Fuck, you're right. Who will take Sara to her interview?" Tegan turned to Sara, who looked
back at her without answers.
"Sarah can take you," Emy informed Sara, who sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. She wasn't
comfortable with Sarah yet; she barely knew her. "She can drive you and wait around and then take
you back here. It's no problem."
Sara silently looked between Emy's friendly eyes and Tegan's own reluctantly encouraging gaze.
There was hesitance in her eyes as she slowly nodded, "If it is not too much trouble…"
"Nah, it's fine," Emy waved her hand dismissively as she hurried to her feet. "She'll be stoked to
spend more time with you. She wants to get to know you better. I'll go phone her."
"Shit, Sara, I'm sorry."
"That's quite alright, Tegan Rain." Sara responded for the thirtieth time that hour, watching Tegan
knot the old laces of her Converse.
"I volunteered like three months ago, but I really wanted to go and support you." Tegan sighed,
using her fingers as a brush through her hair.
"Sarah's good at support," Emy wrapped her arm around her girlfriend with a smile that took up half
her face as she nuzzled her nose under the giggling woman's ear. "Really good."
Rolling her eyes with a snort, Tegan righted herself. "No one wants to hear how you replace bras for
Sarah's hands, Em."
Sara's eyes widened a fraction at her jest, but Emy threw her head back with a loud guffaw as her
girlfriend gave a saucy wink behind wide framed glasses. "My hands stay where they belong."
"On Emy's boobs?" Tegan smirked.
"Exactly," Sarah reached a hand to tap said chest like one would pat their pet's head. Emy slapped
her hand with a crow of laughter.
Tegan snorted. From the corner of her eye, she could see Sara observing this unfamiliar form of
conversation with curious eyes behind a shield of her mask, slipped on to protect her from the
discomfort she felt. It did nothing to hide her from Tegan, though.
While Emy and Sarah giggled and stumbled into each other with lingering kisses, Tegan stepped
closer to Sara. The tiny brunette was watching their romantic interactions through her lashes,
something akin to longing in her eyes. She remembered Sara saying she had never witnessed two
women kissing before and couldn't help but wonder what was rushing through Sara's mind.
"You're dressed appropriately for a job interview, so don't change." Tegan interrupted whatever
Sara was thinking as she smoothed her fingers over the collar of the other woman's top. It was
already pressed and wrinkle free, but something compelled her to primp Sara as if she needed it.
"You're even a bit overdressed, but that's just how you roll and I think they'll be able to put that
together. Just be yourself and answer all the questions they have like they're not totally stupid and
everything will be fine." She dragged her pointer finger down the length of Sara's torso, trailing
between her breasts and flat stomach before dropping as she met the high waist of her trousers –
not sexual, but as comforting as she could be with an audience.
"Do I shake the interviewer's hand?" Sara asked, her voice quiet as she angled her body away from
the other two women in the room. "Is that what is deemed as appropriate?"
"Yeah, probably." Tegan nodded. "You might do it at the end of the whole thing too. Just watch for
clues, you know? You'll be fine. You're used to formal atmospheres."
Sara nodded silently. She looked towards the quietly talking couple across the room before turning
back to Tegan. Her eyes roamed over her face, a proposition blazing in her eyes. "May I… perhaps…"
She trailed off. Her lips were pursed and unsure.
"You know you don't have to be shy to ask me anything, Sara." Tegan comforted her, stepping
another inch closer so she could smile towards Sara's evading eyes.
Sara breathed in a slow inhale, "May I kiss you before you go?"
Her heart skipping and her smile softening around the edges, Tegan lifted Sara's chin with one curled
finger. Their lips were only a hair breadth away, and she could see every individual eyelash flutter as
Sara blinked. Was this an apology for jerking from her advances earlier? Or perhaps it was just a
shove towards openness of her sexuality in front of people whom she was not involved with. Either
way, Tegan was unbelievably proud of her. "Just for the record, you never have to ask me
permission for that," she informed lowly. Sara's mouth twitched into a small smile before it was
captured in a soft, lingering hold by Tegan's own lips. It was chaste, but warm. It made Tegan's blood
rush as she pulled back, blinking nearly as dazedly as Sara did. "Good luck, handsome."
Sara's stupefying smile was badly concealed by her bitten bottom lip as she gave a girlish giggle,
"Thank you, Tegan Rain."
Tegan grinned. She was well aware of Emy and Sarah's presence, so her next words were whispered
in Sara's ear, "You're gonna kill it. Don't be nervous, you'll do great. I have my fingers crossed for
you." She was positive Sara would not want the loud acknowledgement of her nerves to the people
she was trying to be seen as an everyday person to, but the encouragement needed to be said. She
had to let Sara know she was there for her; she hoped it eased the anxiety in Sara's brow.
She inched away from Sara's pinkened ear, poking her on the tip of the nose with a grin. "I want to
hear all about it when I get back." She caved in to temptation and kissed Sara quickly, heart
fluttering when she didn't pull away. Not wanting to overstep any boundaries, she slowly broke the
kiss and stepped away. "See you later, Sara."
Sara gave a simple nod, but her eyes blinking with stars as Tegan turned away and made her way to
Emy. Her best friend's eyebrows were high on her head, her arms crossed over her chest.
"What?" Tegan asked as they walked through their front door and approached the elevator.
"Good luck, handsome." Emy parroted Tegan's words back to her in an exaggeratedly low voice,
smirking widely as she mocked her.
"What?" Tegan repeated, shrugging. "She's… she needs it and she is handsome. She needs to hear it
from someone."
"From you especially." Emy muttered as the elevator doors dinged and slid open.
"Huh?"
Emy rolled her eyes as she sighed with exasperation Tegan didn't understand, "Nothing, Romeo."
The school was buzzing with the energy of the unknown, new students gazing with wide and fresh
eyes. Tegan spoke to enthusiastic, young faces with sweat clinging to her brow. Their energy was
buzzing, lighting her own passion for what they were all there for in her gut. It made her want to go
home and hoard herself in the kitchen, concocting anything that peaked her interest. Absently, she
wondered if she could get Sara to be her taste tester. Her mind was full with images of standing
between Sara's open legs where she was settled on the counter, accepting soft cakes and crispy
chicken with soft giggles and begrudging praises. She spoke distractedly to her new classmates as
she pondered what major Sara would take if she started school. She seemed to know a lot about art,
so perhaps she would take that as her branch to study. Yet, she was so intelligent and loved books,
so maybe an English major. Perhaps she would surprise everyone and do something totally
unexpected, like drama.
She was still lost in her thoughts as she walked outside with Emy during their late lunch break. She
chewed distractedly on a corn dog as she sent a text to Sara asking how her interview went. She
hoped Sara could figure out how to respond. She was on pins and needles, eager to hear if she
thought it went well. She hoped to get a play-by-play of every detail in person in a few hours.
"Dude, where the hell are you today?" Emy interrupted her thoughts. She sucked on the end of a
blue straw, the air and soda mixing in a rumble through the tube. "You've been quiet for ten minutes.
That has to be a record."
"Fuck off," Tegan's chuckle was muffled around a bite of food, "I was just thinking about Sara."
If a sound could be sassy, the huff of breath Emy emitted exceeded that. Her straw caught by her
teeth, the sound whistled and echoed in Tegan's ears as she turned to her with a raised brow,
"What?"
"It's just… of course you're thinking about Sara." Emy rolled her eyes. "I should've guessed."
"Why do you say it like that?" Tegan questioned around a mouthful of sweetened bread and meat.
Emy's ponytail whipped in the wind as she lifted her head to look Tegan in the eye. The chatter of
the outdoor fast food restaurant they had chosen to visit was sparse and soft, so she had Tegan's full
attention as she asked, "Is this whole thing an act of denial or are you really not getting it? Like, are
you actively trying not to realize these things or is it just not registering?"
"Huh?" Tegan blinked. "Register what? Denial of what? You just started in the middle of a sentence,
dude."
"Just guess. I want you to really think about it." Emy was speaking to her as if she was slow, her
words exaggeratingly enunciated. "What do you think I'm talking about?"
Scrunching her brow, Tegan rested her elbows on the table and searched her brain for any hints.
"I'm guessing it has to do with Sara? But I don't know what it is or why."
A low, heavy sigh filled the air. Emy's face was furrowed with frustration as she looked out to the city,
watching clusters of strangers rush across streets and cars zoom by on their own destinations. The
wind caught her hair, a brown fire swaying in the breeze. "Tegan," she turned to her, eyes serious.
All traces of anything playful or teasing had disappeared. It made Tegan uneasy. "The only other
person who thinks about a Sara as much as you do is me."
"What're you talking about?" Tegan chuckled rather nervously.
"Obviously I don't know Sara like I know you. I don't know her well enough to speak for her, and she
agreed to this whole arrangement between you two so she obviously has her reasons, but… I know
you, Tegan. Be honest." Emy peered into her eyes as if she were searching for answers to a question
Tegan didn't know; as if she were an oracle with knowledge she didn't actually have. "When you
look at Sara, do you seriously just see a friend?"
Thrown off, Tegan stared blankly at her. She wasn't expecting that question. Something lodged its
way in her throat and she gulped down icy and still bubbling Coke, but it did nothing to ease the
tightness. She cleared her throat, "Why… why would you ask me that?"
"Tee, listen." Emy tucked loose strands of hair behind her ear and sighed. She had that calculating
look in her eye. Tegan had seen it a dozen times. She was planning out what she wanted to say,
structuring her sentences in the best form to execute her thoughts without pushing them on Tegan
or hurting her feelings. It made her spine tight, afraid of what would be said. "When you first told
me about this whole fuck buddy thing with Sara, I thought… good. This is something new and
exciting that will open up a whole new world. You… you've never had anything like this and I thought
it might do you some good, especially after Theresa's shit storm." Tegan frowned, but her heart did
not flinch at the mentioning of the blonde. "I thought maybe you would open up to love again and
eventually find a great girl and have Sara as your second best friend or something. But then I met
her."
Defense rose and locked in Tegan's chest, "Are you about to tell me you don't like Sara? Because if
you are, I'm really confused and a little pissed off-"
"No." Emy's voice was strong, demanding attention. Tegan shrunk into her seat, mind racing. "No,
the exact opposite actually."
Horror ripped through Tegan's chest. She leaned over the table, eyes wide, "Oh my god. Emy… do
you… Are you telling me you like Sara?"
"No. Jesus." Emy rolled her eyes. Her fingers flinched against her Styrofoam cup as if she was
resisting the urge to reach across the table and slap Tegan over the head. "Calm down. It's not that
at all. Just let me talk."
Tegan scowled at the demand, but sucked her lips into her mouth and mimed zipping them closed.
Emy chuckled, but it diminished as she spoke up, "When I met Sara, I was shocked. I was expecting
someone detached and bratty from what you told me about her. Instead, I met this very intelligent
and... impossibly gentle woman who looks at my best friend like the sun shines out of her ass."
Tegan didn't even try to put reason as to why her cheeks flamed and her chest swelled at those
words. "So then I started to worry about Sara because- well, I won't get into what I think about
Sara's feelings, but I worried maybe you weren't giving her what you should be because over the
phone, you didn't seem thrilled by her. But, Tegan, I know you. I've seen you in love a million times. I
see the way you interact with her and I've never seen you treat someone as carefully and caringly as
you do Sara. Now I'm starting to think this friends with benefits thing is fucking you up and allowing
you to ignore the truth, and that's not healthy."
"What're you… what are you saying?" Tegan's voice was faint, her heart pounding. Pressure lurked
under her temples. Nothing was making sense and a tornado was picking apart Emy's words until
they were destroyed and lurking with eerie overcast.
"Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you think of Sara the same way you think of, like…
Hayley? Like, just a friend who you think is attractive."
"Well, for one thing… Hayley is straight." Tegan murmured. She didn't like the path this conversation
was heading down. It was making her sweat, even under the shade and a hefty breeze. She didn't
know why.
"Fine… fucking- Leisha, then." Emy offered the alternative with an annoyed twist to her lips.
"Well. I mean… no. I don't." Tegan admitted, brushing her hair from her eyes as she dropped her
corn dog on her paper plate. She was suddenly no longer hungry. "But… that's just because… you
know. Sara's, like…" Tegan trailed off, unable to find the proper word in her jumbled mind. Sara just
was. That's what made her special, there were no extra words necessary. Everyone could see it, she
needed no explanation.
"You can seriously sit here and tell me Sara is just a buddy? Just someone who you want to pal
around with and occasionally have sex with? There are no feelings there at all?" Emy leaned over the
table. Tegan backed further into her chair. "When she's around, you feel totally normal? When she's
not around and something reminds you of her, nothing weird happens to your body? Your heart
does totally friendly things?"
"I…" Tegan swallowed. It was all friendly, she urged her lips to say. Despite the sexual upheaval,
everything was totally platonic. Sara was cool and that was it. Her brain and mouth were not linking
up, keeping the words stuffed in the back of her brain. Silence didn't help her case.
"Look, I'm not going to say you're in love with her, but… if you were, I wouldn't be surprised." Emy
sat back and took a sip of her soda. Her shoulders were relaxed, as if she had just released a heavy
weight. But she had transferred it all to Tegan's suddenly stiff back.
"In… love? In love with Sara? Me?" Her words were choppy, the air escaping her lungs. Those were
not small words with little implications. They were strong and serious; too strong and impossibly
serious. She gasped, "What?"
"You tell me, dude." Emy shrugged, as if she had not just rocked Tegan's perception and knocked the
breath out of her.
"I'm not!" she cried, horrified by those accusations. Sara was her friend. She wasn't in love with her.
She couldn't be in love with her.
"Okay." Emy shrugged again, but it was unbelievably irking.
"I'm not." Tegan reinforced with strong conviction through gritted teeth.
"Okay." Emy replied once more, but the word was painted with something condescending and
disbelieving. It lit flames in Tegan's chest.
"I can't be in love with Sara, Emy." Tegan rushed to explain, clenching her fists together. Even saying
the words 'love' and 'Sara' in the same sentence made her feel dizzy and scared. She wanted to run
away, but she was stuck in her brain and she could not forget this conversation.
"You can't be or you aren't?" Emy removed the plastic lid of her drink to push ice cubes around with
her straw, "Because those are two very different things."
"Uh, both." Tegan ran a hand over the back of her neck and nodded more assuredly, "Yeah, both."
"Why can't you be? What's not to love about Sara?" Emy held up her finger and began to tick off a
list of things that made Tegan's heart pound harder and harder with each word, "She's totally sweet,
fucking cute, funny, and intelligent. She treats you well and smells pretty good. She's gentle with you
in a way that I think you need in your life after all your heartbreak-"
"Stop. Emy, stop." Tegan held up a hand to pause her best friend's praise. Her body felt as if it were
wrapped in suffocating heat as her stomach jerked and churned. The reaction made her nervous.
What the fuck was going on? She didn't love Sara. "It's not that. It's… I can't love her because she'll
never-" Everything went to a screeching halt.
I can't love her because she'll never love me back. The words were stuck on her tongue, frozen and
heavy. Why was that a thought in her mind? Why would she even think such a thing? It was about to
come out so easily, as if she had carried the worry on her mind for excruciatingly ticking ages,
plaguing her with the knowledge that Sara's heart could never be hers.
'Love me back'? To have one love you back, you had to harbor such feelings. She tried to shove it
away as a form of a sentence and nothing more, but for indescribable reasons and a heavy heart…
she couldn't. She could not avoid the meaning in her own unexpected thoughts.
Emy cocked her head with concern, "What is it, Tee?"
"Nothing." Tegan muttered distantly. Her heart ached. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Shit, I'm sorry." Emy sighed. She reached across to table to grab Tegan's hand, her fingers warm
and so different from Sara's touch. Tegan swallowed hard. "I didn't mean to make you, like… upset
or whatever. We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."
"I, um," Tegan shook herself. She was overreacting. Being dramatic. Just entertaining the idea was
crazy. She forced a chuckle and took her hand back, "It's fine. I'm just, you know… it's weird. I don't
love Sara. That's crazy. But it's whatever."
Emy hummed, retracting her hand with a slow nod. Tegan's phone lit up with a message of Sara
looking hesitantly on the bright side about her interview, her words long and explanation full of self-
doubt. It hurt to know Sara was regarding herself with such a terrible outlook, but amongst the pain
she felt was a hefty stammer in her heart's beats when she caught sight of Sara's name on the
screen. Terror was thick and cold in her blood while her mind tried to excuse the overwhelming
emotions brewing in her chest with words of platonic affection; the shrugging off of her heart's swell
had never been so difficult.
But why? Was her mind simply reacting to Emys questions by placing romance into the actions she
never thought twice about in regards to Sara? Or had she taken away something Tegan clung to with
desperate, white knuckles to leave her bare and cold to the truth? Her reasons of her rushing
emotions suddenly seemed lame and pitiful, even in her own brain as it rushed stacked up mumbled
thoughts of 'I'm just excited for her' and, the worst one that followed up every individual excuse,
'Sara's my friend.'
One day ago the implications of Sara being a friend would not sound so worthy of a scoff. Not even
twenty minutes ago would it have. But suddenly she was remembering the way her arms had ached
to wrap around Sara's waist last night, to snuggle her nose into the back of her neck and rest in her
soft scent. Her palms went numb and tingly. Just that memory caused her nose to catch a whiff of
Sara's cologne as if she were standing right beside her and the wind was catching her clothes,
billowing in the breeze and evading Tegan's senses. It made her head cloudy, but Sara wasn't even
here. She had felt this all before when she thought of Sara; it wasn't new.
But now it made sense.
Dread erupted in Tegan's gut. A blindfold was being ripped from her eyes, exposing sensitive retinas
to sharp brightness she did not want to see. She clawed for the material to hide over her eyes once
more, but it disappeared into thin air. It happened so quickly, but suddenly the world felt different.
Everything felt different except for her. She was in the same state she had been (For how long? How
long had this been happening? How could she not have noticed?), but she could see it now. The
truth was staring her in the face, a sinister curl to its lips as it tossed her with careless ease in front of
an oncoming train. She was stumbling into the railroad, unprepared, when she was struck with the
hardest of blows to her chest. She had been hit and there was no turning back. She couldn't be
saved. It was much too late.
"I'm going to refill my drink." Emy was changing the subject for her sake, eyes still lurking with
questions. She stood with a soothing pat to Tegan's back, but it did nothing to ease her mind.
Oh, god. This couldn't be happening. Tegan rested her forehead on her open palm and squeezed her
eyes shut against the rise of the contents in her stomach lodging thickly in her throat.
What had Emy done?