Chapter 21: Just for Me

Olivia was waiting patiently on the couch when she walked out of her bedroom. She went over and joined her, sitting with one leg underneath her. They sat quietly for a minute, neither one of them knowing what to say. Olivia just sat there staring at her like there was something stuck to her forehead. Rae sat waiting for Olivia to start talking. After all, she was the one who'd shown up at her apartment unannounced. Rae assumed she'd come for a reason. She twiddled her thumbs and continued to wait quietly for Olivia to say why she'd come over. After a couple more minutes of silence, she realized she'd have to be the one move things along for them.

"So what's up?" she asked breaking the silence.

"Nothing really" Olivia answered.

"Ok. So why'd you come over?"

"I just…I was thinking about you and, umm, I don't know. I was halfway here before I even realized it" she said honestly. "Jimmy told me that you're moving to Connecticut" she said sadly.

"Yeah, in a couple weeks" she said nodding her head.

"I don't want you to go" she admitted.

"I have to" she said simply. "It's important to me to go".

"Why?" Olivia asked. "I thought you liked Fordham. You're doing well there an…."

"Yeah, and that's why I got into Yale" she said interrupting her. "This is a really big opportunity for me, Liv. A school like Yale can get me almost any job I want".

"You can do that here too" she said. Rae scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Jus…you and I both know that with your grades and volunteering, your tutoring job, your clubs; you'll be able to get into any medical school you want and get a good job. It doesn't matter where you go to school".

"It matters to me where I go to school. I want to go to Yale" she said firmly.

"Well, I want you to stay here".

"I don't care" Rae said without thinking. She didn't feel bad about saying it because it was the truth. She didn't care what Olivia wanted. She didn't care what anyone wanted. She was doing this for her. She just felt bad about being so harsh about it. "Look, I just…I have to start doing things for me, Olivia".

"What are you saying?" she asked confused. "You've never done things for you before?"

"No, not like this. Leaving everything behind to do something for me, just for me, without regard for anyone else or what they want. No, I haven't done things for me" she said annoyed that she had to explain this to Olivia. "Olivia, a year ago I would've done anything for you. I passed on even applying to schools outside of the city because I didn't want to leave you. I almost became a mother…again" she said referring to Calvin. "I did that for you and I just…I can't do that anymore. I can't keep changing my plans and stopping my life for other people".

"I just…I can't help it. I want you to stay here" she repeated.

"Would you quit your job for me?" she asked abruptly. Olivia was caught off guard by the question. "Would you leave SVU and move to Connecticut so I can go to school and we could be together?"

"I…I, ummm…" she stuttered trying to think of an answer to the question.

"Come on, Liv. We both know that the answer is no" she answered for her. "You wouldn't quit your job and move out of state for me and I would never ask you to. Because I know how much you love your job and how much what you do means to you and the people you help. I would never ask you to choose".

"I'm not asking you to choose" she said quickly trying to make this conversation better.

"Yes you are". Rae was over this conversation with Olivia. She was tired of her always expecting for her to make all the sacrifices when she wasn't willing to make any in return. She almost brought Amanda into the conversation so Olivia could understand what she meant but she decided against it. "You're not saying the exact words but you asking me stay is the same as asking me to choose". Olivia could tell that Rae's mind was made up and there wasn't anything she could say that would get her stay in New York.

"I'm gonna miss you" she said sadly.

"It's only two hours away" Rae said telling her the same thing she'd told everyone else. Olivia didn't know what came over her but she leaned in and brought their lips together. Before she could object, Olivia brought her hand up around her back and pulled her closer, simultaneously pushing her tongue past Rae's lips. Rae quickly pushed her away. "Olivia" she said wiping her mouth, "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry" she said trying to gain her composure. "I didn't mean to…I…I'm sorry" she repeated. Rae sighed and stood up from the couch.

"You should go" she said softly.

"Well, what about us?" she asked hoping they could revisit the idea of them getting back together. Rae shrugged her shoulders.

"What about us?" Rae asked sitting back down on the couch.

"I want us to try again….to be together" she said.

"Olivia…" Rae started to tell her that they couldn't be together but Olivia started talking again.

"I know. I know I screwed up and I hurt you. I don't know how I'll ever be able to make it up to you or how you'll ever trust me again but I promise I will keep trying for as long as it takes" she said speaking quickly trying to get out all of her thoughts.

"Olivia, I…I'm with Amanda now" she said hesitantly. She didn't know how Olivia would react to the news.

"Oh" she said obviously disappointed. "Araeyah…."

"Don't" she said, already knowing that Olivia was gonna try to change her mind. "Amanda and I are together and that's it".

"You said it wouldn't be forever" Olivia said referring to their separation.

"I know that, Liv. And when I said it, I meant it. I didn't think our break up would last this long and I wasn't expecting for things with Amanda to….", she paused and sighed, rubbing her face with her hands and raking them through her hair. "I don't know what I expected. I just know where things stand now. And right now, I'm…I'm with Amanda". She could see that Olivia was getting emotional and she felt horrible that she was hurting her. But it was time for her to do things to make herself happy, not just the people around her. "Look Liv, we can still be friends. We can still be in each other's lives….just not the way we were before. And you, you know, you have Brian" she said getting a small laugh from her ex.

"Yeah, well we're not exactly together" she said.

"Really?" she said unconvinced. "Does he know that?" Olivia laughed again and for a second the discomfort between them dissipated and they really did feel like friends.

"I still love you" she said softly.

"I still love you, too" she said honestly. "I could never not love you. I just…I'm…"

"You're not in love with me anymore" Olivia said finishing her sentence for her. She wiped away a single tear that had fallen from her eyes and took a deep breath. "Ok" she said getting up from the couch. She picked up her keys from the table and walked to the door. Rae followed behind her to lock the door. Olivia stepped out into the hallway then turned around to face her. "I'll always want you" she said confidently. "No matter what".

"I know" she said with a soft smile. Olivia turned and headed for the elevator. Rae closed and locked the door then turned to go back to her room. Before she could open her bedroom door, the doorbell rang again. Ashley came out of her room and told her she'd get it. Rae looked at her suspiciously but let her go get the door. She went back into her bedroom to see Amanda laying on her back staring up at the ceiling. She walked over and climbed on the bed then crawled over to her girlfriend, straddling her lap. Amanda met her eyes and smiled. She brought her hands up and ran them up and down Rae's thighs.

"So what did Benson want?" she asked slipping her hands under her shirt to caress her smooth, soft skin.

"Let's not talk about that right now" Rae said. She gathered the bottom of her shirt in hands and pulled it over her head, tossing it to the side. Her hands slid under the fabric of Amanda's shirt and caressed her warm skin. She leaned down and brought their lips together. Amanda lifted her hand and laced her fingers in Rae's thick locks. She slipped her tongue into her mouth when she parted her lips. Their tongues danced together in perfect rhythm. She pushed Amanda's shirt up and broke their kiss just long enough to pull it over her head. Amanda's reached to unsnap Rae's bra when Rae suddenly pulled away from her.

"What?" she asked confused. "What is it?"

"Is that my mother?" she asked. She could hear the sound of a familiar accent coming from the living room. She sat up, still straddling her girlfriend's lap, and listened more intently. "That's my mother" she said confirming that the voice she heard indeed belonged her mom. She groaned again, frustrated that her activities with Amanda were being interrupted again. She climbed off of Amanda and off the bed, grabbing her shirt and pulling it back on again. "Do…."

"Don't go anywhere" Amanda said, finishing her statement. Rae smile then turned and left the bedroom. She saw Ashley and her mother standing in the kitchen, trying to whisper. Neither one of them was doing a very good job of it.

"Mother" Rae said getting her attention. She turned around, looking like she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She quickly tried to hide the guilty look on her face with a smile.

"Hello my love" she said sweetly.

"What are you doing here?" Rae asked.

"I'm just….talking with Ashley" she said honestly. She hoped she wouldn't give away what they'd been talking about.

"Talking about what?" she asked walking further into the kitchen. Ashley tried to sneak back into her bedroom but Rae caught the sleeve of her shirt and stopped her from leaving.

"Ummm….we were just…talking about…" she paused trying to think of something to say other than what they'd really been talking about.

"We were talking about your birthday" Ashley lied. "I was just asking your mother for her input…on your party". Rae could tell that Ashley was lying. There was no way she needed any help planning her birthday. Party planning was Ashley's thing. She always threw the biggest and best parties in their neighborhood before she moved to Europe with her family. They were up to something else.

"Mom, is that true?" she asked knowing her mother wouldn't lie to her.

"Ummm…"

"Yes, of coure it is" Ashley said answering for her.

"Ashley, I'm asking my mother". She turned back to her mom and waited for an answer.

"Please, don't make me answer that" Soraya said desperately. "It'll ruin the surprise".

"What surprise?" Rae asked annoyed. She wasn't too keen on surprises.

"Well if you we tell you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?" Ashley asked sarcastically getting a glare from her friend. "What?" she asked defensively.

"It'll be a good surprise" Soraya said taking Rae's attention from Ashley and bringing it back to her. "You're gonna love it. I promise". She walked over to her daughter and kissed her one cheek then the other and said goodbye. Ashley walked her to the door and they made plans to meet the next day to continue talking about whatever the surprise for Rae was. Once Soraya was gone, Ashley ran into her bedroom, closed and locked the door and refused to open up to answer Rae's questions. After about five minutes of arguing through the door, she went back to her room. She climbed on the bed and laid down on her side. Amanda turned over on her side to face her.

"Ashley and my mom are up to something and I need you to figure out what it is" she said. Amanda laughed until she realized that Rae was serious.

"Umm, how am I supposed to do that exactly?" she asked. Rae shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know. Use your detective skills". She sat up and pulled her shirt off for the third time then laid down and took of her shorts. Amanda's eyes wandered over her body, no longer thinking about the conversation she was having with her girlfriend. "Amanda" Rae said getting her attention.

"Huh?" she mumbled bringing her eyes back to Rae's.

"Focus" she whispered. She pulled the covers back and got under them, covering herself so Amanda would pay attention.

"What did they say?"

"That there's a surprise" she answered.

"Oh, well that's nice" Amanda said until she saw the look on Rae's face. "Isn't it?" she asked.

"No" she said firmly. "I hate surprises". Amanda nodded her head.

"Good to know" she said with a smirk. Rae slapped her lightly on the shoulder.

"Come on Amanda. I'm serious" she said not seeing the humor in her situation. "I wanna know what they're planning. Can't you, I don't know, follow them tomorrow? See where they go?"

"That's called stalking and it's illegal" she answered jokingly but truthfully. "I can't do that, babe. Anyways I have to work. Why don't you follow them?"

"Oh, so I should stalk them?" she asked. Amanda shrugged her shoulders. Rae let out a heavy sigh.

"Just let them give you a surprise" Amanda said scooting closer to her. She wrapped her arm around her waist and Rae put her arm around her shoulder and brought her hand up, threading her fingers through her soft hair. "You never know. It could be something you love".

"Or it could be something I loathe" she pouted. Amanda laughed again and Rae felt herself relax. Amanda had the best laugh. It always made her feel better whenever she heard it. She leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. Amanda pulled away and got up from the bed to turn off the light. She took off her pants before climbing back in bed next to her girlfriend and getting under the covers. Rae laid her head on her chest and listened to her heartbeat. "I'm sorry for asking you to stalk my mother" she whispered into the darkness. Amanda chuckled as she played with her hair.

"You're forgiven" she whispered.

"Although you did say once that you'd find some other way to break the law for me". She lifted her head and looked up at her. "This is a perfect opportunity" she joked.

"I'll pass". Rae pouted and laid her head back down. After a minute of silence, she realized that her every breath was in sync with Amanda's. Their heartbeats were perfectly, effortlessly matched. She absentmindedly found Amanda's hand with her own and intertwined their fingers. Amanda stroked Rae's hair the way she liked. Hand in hand, they both fell peacefully asleep.