Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.
Chapter Twenty One
Josh managed to get back onto the bus and glanced at his clock. He would make it home in record time and be there for the awkward family dinner. He didn't know if he wanted to yet because everything was still so new. There was no Drake talking about his day or telling them his misadventures or complaining about Mrs. Hayfer. He wasn't doing anything anymore. He was laying in a hospital bed unresponsive and he wasn't sure if he would be able to see that. Good thing they had already went and would most likely not persuade him into going today.
He took a seat at the back of the bus and took the book out. He was almost done and he wanted to finish it today. He didn't want to delay it anymore. He didn't want to go another day wondering when Drake finally took the final turn and thought enough was enough. Lastly enough, he wanted to know who put him over the edge.
I didn't mention how Hannah had visited during my hospital stay but she had. She was having this thing called Braxton Hicks where she would have false contractions and they were completely normal. She wasn't due for another month so I wasn't worried much. What I was worried about was bringing her down.
I went to her house following the weekend and told myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was doing this for her. I gave her a plastic bag upon her opening the door and kissed her cheek. I could definitely see the baby bump now. It was more prominent then two months ago even. There was this thing called quickening and the baby was in a position that if she ever went into labor, the baby would be able to be born. I was glad the baby was head down too because the baby seemed to have my stubborn trait.
"What brings you here?" she asked with a surprised smile.
"I made that for the baby," I tell her instead.
It was an old tape recorder that I basically stuffed inside a pink teddy bear. It was decorative and I made sure it was something that if anything ever happened my baby would still know my voice by the songs that I recorded into the tapes. It was the best I thought I could do with what I was doing.
"I'm breaking up with you," I brought up all of a sudden and she paused.
"That's not funny Drake. I love you and I forgive you easily enough but still not funny."
"I wasn't being funny," I admitted.
I didn't think she understood very much for she blinked in surprise. I guess she had a lot of surprises these days. She didn't know what to expect when I was in the hospital and finding out that I was admitted for an attempt on my life, she made sure to be there every day with some kind of snack and sealed it with a kiss on the lips.
No the difference was that I knew I wasn't good enough for her anymore. She should have dumped me earlier and realized that I wasn't someone she should have picked. She could have went with someone a lot better. Someone who didn't do this to her and make everyone in her school call her names. I still love her and sometimes the hardest thing someone must do when they love somebody that much was to let go. I convinced myself that that was what I was doing.
Hannah would be a dumb person to do that and she would prove her love to you if she went along with that. Josh knew that and hoped that Hannah wouldn't fall for his brother's crazy head notions. He wasn't thinking right. His head was all jumbled up and he was finding it hard to live the day to day life. He was severely depressed and was suffering from mental suicide. He needed help but he didn't need this. Please Hannah, Josh pleaded with himself.
"You weren't but I'm not letting you let me go," She said softly. "Because I love you, you are stuck with me. If you think it's that easy to leave me then there's the door but I won't give up on you. I love you Drake and I know you're scared. I wish you would tell me what's wrong. I don't think there's any issues that would make me overly stressed and I would like to help in any way I could honey. Tell me what's wrong."
I did the only thing that I could think of at the time.
"I've got to go."
She nods.
"You'll come back though right?"
I nod but didn't answer her. I didn't know and I didn't want to make promises that I couldn't keep. I didn't want to lie to her either though so I didn't know what I was doing.
"Just get a good night of sleep and come back. The baby is always so active when you're around and plays kick ball in my belly."
I manage a weak laugh.
I kiss the belly and feel the kick. That made me smile the most and I wasn't sure if it was something that would last but I was happy to know that there was someone that knew how to cheer me up even though I haven't told her everything. Did she know she knew she was doing it? Probably not but that was probably why I loved her anyways.
Josh was sure too. Before his mother and father split up, they had once upon a time had the same expressions. Drake was in love and he gave that up too. He closed his eyes hoping that the next thing he read wasn't what made Drake think that suicide was going to be the only solution. He hoped that something happened that made him believe that he should give life a chance instead but that isn't what happened and he had a feeling it was something that was going to hurt him badly enough.
But most of all he wished he found out about all this then.
Eric Harris and Kevin Whitman were jerks. Everybody in the school knew it too so when they told someone to be somewhere, they got mad when it didn't happen like they wanted it to.
This had to be something that Josh would apprehend because they were also dangerous when they wanted to be. He just hoped they knew better than to mess with his brother but sadly it probably happened anyways. He would only know when it was too late to do anything.
"Parker you didn't come last week. Why not?"
I stop and look over. I flip my hair out of my eyes and hope that they weren't going to expect me to answer that. I was picked up early so there was no way I could have done that. I pause though because I didn't want my ass kicked by school jocks either.
"I was picked up from school early."
I settled for the truth.
"Sure. I forgot that you had counseling. What for? Brushing your teeth with bleach again, are ya?"
I shook my head.
"Close enough though," I lamented lamely.
I could see Marcus smirking my way from down the hall and went to keep moving but I was intercepted by Kevin twisting my arm behind my back. I knew I could never get a break so I just let him.
"You leaving early today Parker?" Kevin asked snidely.
I shook my head.
"Good. Come to the field alone and if you think of even telling your little lover Joshie, I think we know what is going to happen right?"
I nod and they laughed.
"That's a good boy. Go flunk English and make us proud."
They laughed again at their stupid joke and I shook my head, leaving before they found that gesture rude. I was flunking though so they were accurate. I sat behind you and kept staring outside of the window hoping for freedom. I wish I could say that the best time had been when I had been out of school but then it was bad when I skipped too. Mrs. Hayfer went up to me as class was letting out.
"How are you doing Mr. Parker?"
I let a smile fall.
"I'm fine Mrs. Hayfer. My parents know that I'm flunking, they know that I need help and I am getting it. I've never been better."
She pursed her lips though.
"Really? I don't think you're fine at all. I wish you would stop lying to yourself. If you need anything at all I'm still here-"
"Why are you being nice now?" I ask. I can't help myself. "You say you hate me and I know you do. I know you hate me so why are you helping me?"
She just smiled a small sad smile at that.
"I don't want another student to feel like they don't belong. I don't want anybody to feel as though they need to die. In fact I don't really hate you Mr. Parker. I just don't like your attitude the majority of the time. You've always acted like life was easy and now I just want you to see that life gets better. You hear me?"
I nod despite realizing that she did this on purpose to gain my attention.
"I understand but I don't think I'll need anything. I'm really feeling better Mrs. Hayfer."
"Really? You're still not getting the sleep you desperately need."
Before I could ask I realized why Mrs. Hayfer picked up on everything I did. Over the years she must've learned to find a lie in everything I said. I just nodded instead and thought about ways to cover my exhaustion up. If she could see it then somebody else could too. I didn't want that happening though.
"I'm going to get it," I told her quickly.
She nodded.
I didn't feel like myself in that instant. I didn't because I knew that Mrs. Hayfer would never do that. Not me. I was Drake and I didn't need anybody but apparently I did. Apparently I now needed help. I was no longer reaching out though and everybody was trying. I wished that everybody could see that I stopped wanting it. I just wanted to be left alone now.
All that time he wanted someone to help. When he was reaching out he was grounded, humiliated, and made to think he was not worth anyone's time. Now was the point he stopped and wanted to be left alone. Now everyone was asking if he needed help and asked how he was feeling. He gave up. They just started.
It just wasn't right.
I didn't wait for them at the field that day either. I didn't think they would take it too personally. Maybe I was just looking for that last strike, that last push so that I could safely say I didn't want to be here anymore. Or maybe I just didn't care. All I know was that it didn't matter after I made that decision not to listen to those jocks.
Josh closed his eyes and bit his lip. Drake shouldn't have cared. He should have still gone to him no matter what people thought because Drake used to be like that. He used to not care. When was it that he started caring about everything and second guessing himself? He knew though. It was after he threw him out of his life and then took him back like it never happened. He forgot but Drake never did. He never would even after Josh did and that hurt him in the long run. Something that showed for the first time that Drake did have feelings and that he did feel. Josh felt guilty even more because he hadn't thought past the anger and now he was paying for it. He was losing Drake despite not wanting to think about it.