Part 19

"Two Months"

It had been two months since I had chosen Nate over the possible heart break of Chuck. Things had been alright.

Honestly I could stop right there. Things had been alright. Nate was a sweet heart, doing all the right things at just the right time. I loved it all, I really did. I just didn't love him… Not yet anyways. Two months isn't that much time to fall in love if you think about it. I'm just use to things happening instantly, in the blink of an eye, so maybe it's a good thing that I'm taking it slow this time around; doing it right.

Except I think we're going a little too slow for Nate's liking. After making out the night I went to him, we did eventually go out to eat at a 24 hour restaurant for our first official date as a couple. After we were done eating I asked him to walk me home, I was tired after all that drama. When we got to the apartment though all I did was kiss him goodbye before heading up.

Then the next time we were at his apartment, messing around on his bed, he took off my shirt and then headed for my skirt. When his hand got there, mine met it almost instantly. At first it was like he thought I was kidding, but as my grip got tighter his face showed he knew I was dead serious.

"I… I just can't Nate. I'm not ready." I had told him. It was true too. Having sex sort of scared me at this point. Once you have sex everything becomes ten times more real and I was not ready to handle that. We only had just started dating, what if I changed my mind a week later that I didn't want to be with him? Then I'd be the bitch who slept with him and then split.

I don't want to be that girl, or anything like her.

So I was taking my time with Nate. We were going slow and steady. At this point I think he's a bit more frustrated (in more ways than one) than he was for the first couple of weeks. Part of me almost felt bad enough to just sleep with him so he would be happy, but I couldn't do it. Sleeping with him now out of feeling bad would make things way worse.

Two months and no sex, I don't know how he was putting up with me. It had to be 'hard' for him… But it wasn't easy for me either. The nights where we'd fool around and then cuddle until we'd fall asleep were the worst. His bare, muscular chest was pressed up against me and he smelt amazing; not to mention he loved to hook my underwear with his index finger, like he was making sure I wasn't going anywhere.

Everyone probably assumed we were doing it every day and every night, we were that new, hot couple. Plus with Nate's previous reputation and my previous relationship, sex probably came across like a first date deal. I never corrected people's assumptions, or even had told Blair that Nate and I hadn't had sex yet. Not that it was any of her business, but I did tell her practically everything.

Nate had asked me about sex a week ago. In the best way he could he asked, "Are we ever going to, you know, sleep together?" After he asked, I had to kiss him, it was cute after all. "Yeah… of course. I don't think I'll keep you waiting much longer." I didn't want to make any promises, but I was coming around to the idea.

After that we started joking and laughing about when people say "make love". It just sounded awkward. I told him if he ever asked me to "make love" I'd laugh before telling him "no". Which lead him to ask me what I'd say if he asked me to have sex. I hit his arm jokingly, simply saying, "What did I just tell you?"

That was the end of that conversation.

"An Invitation"

It was Friday afternoon, Nate and I had gotten together to get brunch. I wasn't hungry but Nate wanted to take me out. He had been feeling bad he'd been so busy lately, which was ridiculous because it felt like we were together most days and almost every night. Though it had occurred to me we were spending every night together because he kept hoping his luck would change; which it would, he just had to be patient.

I was playing with my hash-browns when Nate started talking, "So I was thinking," uh oh, "I know we've been spending a lot of time together, a lot of nights, but it hit me: I don't take you out enough." He smiled, proud of himself, although I had no idea where he was going with that.

My eyebrows raised in confusion. Wasn't brunch classified as going out? Just this week we had dinner, then we strolled around Central Park sharing ice cream. It was adorable. Two days after that we caught a movie and went for coffee. He was constantly taking me out, honestly I was feeling bad about how much time he was spending on me, especially since I wasn't exactly giving too much in return.

"We've been to solitary with just one another, and that's my fault, I like keeping you to myself..." Nate trailed off shyly as he spoke, which made a shy smile of my own form. It was small words like that that reminded me why I chose him. "But that's going to change. There's a party down in Brooklyn that'll be amazing, everyone is going."

It was awful. I was awful. The first thought that came to my mind was, everyone? Does that include Chuck? Of course I kept that thought to myself. The last thing Nate needed to know was how Chuck still crossed my minc; much more than I would ever confess to anyone, including myself.

No matter how awful the thought made me feel, I took out my phone. "Really, in Brooklyn?" I quickly glanced at my phone, clicking on Blair and mine's previous messages. "Are we talking like a warehouse rager?"

My fingers typed faster than I knew I could go. Have you heard about this Brooklyn party going on tonight? I messaged Blair.

"Not exactly a rager," Nate laughed at me sweetly. He probably thought it was adorable I called it a rager. Or maybe he was laughing that I thought he'd want to go to something like a crazy warehouse rager. "It's at a club with the best shots in Brooklyn. I don't know who started the party, but now everyone is going."

Yeah, it's suppose to be crazy. She sent right after Nate stopped talking. I gave a weak, not too convincing smile, "Can you give me a sec? Blair emergency, you know how she gets." and replied back to Blair. Are you going to it? After I sent that I felt stupid. No. Baby thing makes those kind of parties difficult. Don't tell Nate I'm asking, I still was pretty positive she was reporting to him so I was playing in careful with our talking, but do you know if Chuck is going? It was weird, Blair replied so fast it was like Chuck was answering himself, Yes.

Before I knew it I was fighting a smile from taking over. Butterflies were starting to fly around in my stomach. As soon as I noticed them though, I had to kill them. "You know what, babe?" I'm guilty of calling him babe solely to make myself feel better about our relationship, but at least I could recognize it. "A crazy party and shots sounds exactly like the thing I need."

He raised his orange juice, "I'll pick you up at nine." A smirk spread across those beautiful, taunting lips.

Grinning myself, I raised my lemonade and clinked it with his orange juice. "I'll make sure to sneak out so my father won't catch us." I winked, playing along happily.

Nate did make me happy. He made me incredibly happy. By definition of most every girl I had met, he was thee perfect boyfriend. Deep down I knew that, and I wanted that so bad I was doing everything I could to make it work and make him happy like he deserves. Still, for some forsaken reason, there was something deep down telling me I was wrong for trying.

"Shots... Fired *pew pew*"

We entered the club, holding hands like a good couple would, and instantly caught the eyes of about a third of the club; this place was packed too. Automatically I knew people stared because we were one of New York's most watched young couples, and I say that in the least conceded way possible. But I also like to think people were staring because Nate and I were looking especially hot tonight.

He went with his usual look: a designer collared navy blue shirt, wearing a black blazer over it, with a slightly tight pair of black jeans that looked classier than the usual pair, but it helped give him a more relaxed vibe. In all honesty though, Nate could walk into the club in just his underwear and no one would complain – actually I think some people would prefer that...

Myself, on the other hand, had to work a bit harder on looking hotter than usual. Not because Nate was hotter than me, or I was uglier than him, but on the fact girls tend to be judged harsher than guys by their peers. Style wise at least. So I stepped up my game: a black, long sleeved crop top that had a sweetheart neckline (showing off the perfect amount of my nonexistent stomach, resting tightly above my belly button, but still showing off my collarbone and what cleavage I had), a short, black pencil skirt that made my hips look incredible, and a pair of black Louis Vuitton heels.

To top it off my hair was done in a braid off to the side, leaving the left side of my neck open; exposing the nape of my neck. Which also just so happened to be one of Chuck's weaknesses... That tidbit of advice Blair gave me might have stuck in my head subconsciously. Which didn't even matter because I had decided to keep my distance.

Except I was excited just to see him. It made me happy to see him happy, even if it was without me by his side. I had convinced myself though that this was best for us both. At least, at this point, I've convinced myself I was convinced.

Guys from all parts of the club were checking me out, from head to toe to every part in between. Normally I didn't really notice those types of stares, but Nate was holding me tighter than usual and made sure he had his hand on my waist the entire time. This is why I liked Nate, he was determined to not let me go, or have others think they could make him.

When we got to the bar he automatically ordered us two shots. "Guess we'll have to see if these shots live up to the rumors." I smiled at him, taking his hand in mine. Gently my thumb rubbed the top of his hand. I wanted him to know I cared like the way he cared about me. And I'd try to do that in any way I could.

"I'm sure they will." He smiled but let go of my hand, taking both of the shots and handing me one. "Here's to a great night out." We clinked the shots and gulped them down. After he had swallowed Nate's face looked in shock.

"Brooklyn shots too strong for you, Mr. Upper East Sidder?" I teased, not having any kind of reaction to the shot. "Guess only natives can handle it." I would like to claim I could handle the shots because I was from Brooklyn, but the truth is my dad's tolerance is amazing, so I probably just picked it up from him. Either way, it was making me look like a bit of a bad ass.

Nate laughed sarcastically, signaling the bar tender for two more. "I can out drink you, despite the faces I make." As he said that he mimicked the look he had just given. It was strangely adorable. Without thinking I leaned over and gave him a long kiss.

Pulling away we stared into one another's eyes. For a moment I was speechless. Not out of amazement but because I just wasn't sure. I hadn't a clue what to say, or what to talk about, so I stood there trying to think of something. Luckily the shots got to us before I had to speak. We clinked again and chugged them down; this time Nate barely showed any signs of it being too strong for him.

"Let's have a fun night, babe." I grinned ordering two more shots.

As the night went on more and more drinking commenced. I was getting tipsy, saying things bluntly, laughing a bit more than I should, getting pretty touchy-feely with Nate, not that he minded that at all. Except as I was about to call the drinking off, knowing I was already pushing my limit, I saw him. I saw Chuck.

Across the club he was talking it up with some girl. She looked young, maybe my age, but definitely could pull off being younger. From what I could see, they were flirting. I tried so hard not to stare, but I couldn't help it. My morbid curiosity and need to know what he was doing was killing me inside.

I turned back to Nate before it was too obvious I had been gazing towards Chuck, smiling a little to eagerly I leaned in close to him. "I'm thinking body shots." Which was a sentence I never quite thought I would say.

For a moment he stared at me, like he was trying to determine if I was serious or not. When my facial expression didn't change he began to grin. "You weren't kidding when you said a fun night." But he didn't give me a chance to even respond when he turned to the bartender to ask him to help us set it up.

Before I knew it I, Jenny Humphrey, was doing body shots. I laid down on the bar and Nate put salt on the gap between my skirt and crop top. My heart started racing incredibly fast, I was afraid I would get a panic attack. Everyone was beginning to stare, so I closed my eyes and just waited. Without a warning I felt Nate's tongue on my stomach and I began breathing faster. My adrenaline was racing all through me.

Right as he finished I got off the table, beginning my best to breathe normally again. A part of me wanted to run away and hide and pretend like the night never happened. The other part of me wanted to make out with Nate and take him home with me. Except before I could make a choice of either, Nate excused himself.

"There's a guy from my soccer team here. I'll be right back, okay?" And before I could answer he was gone.

Trying to recompose myself, I did what any reasonable adult would do: I asked the bartender for his strongest shot. Guys were winking and telling me it was hot, but I felt sort of easy. Except, I had to tell myself, this was exactly what normal teenagers and young adults did. It only felt weird to me because I had always been held to a higher standard, and sometimes it's okay to break that.

My eyes continued to wonder back to where Chuck had been, I had been keeping tabs on him all night, and all night he had talking to that girl. Except this time when I looked over I noticed he had just finished whispering in her ear, before walking away. Not giving it a single thought I made way to the girl.

"Hey, hi, yeah, so, listen..." I kind of rambled trying to figure out what I wanted to say; all those shots were making me over think on the exact words needed to speak. Words were starting to string along better. "The flirting between you two is cute and all, I bet he's saying the smoothest things, but if you go with him you just won't be what's on his mind. So save yourself some regret, okay?"

The girl scoffed in shock. Or at least I think it was shock. "Excuse me...?" She looked offended, I wasn't sure from what.

Rolling my eyes, visible for her to see, I shrugged carelessly. "I'm just saying, you're not what he wants, so don't get your hopes up." All I was trying to do was warn her of the position she was putting herself in. Even if he slept with her, I know Chuck wouldn't be thinking about her.

That was when the girl laughed, "okay, well, usually when you warn a girl about a guy, you talk about how he's a pig, you don't tell the girl she isn't what he wants." This vibe of pure bitch went flying off her as she crossed her arms, lifting a single eyebrow like she was calling me out.

"Well," I began with the most fake sincere voice, "I'm just calling it how it is. He doesn't want you in his bed, but he'll settle if he can't get what he wants; which he won't." Because what he wanted was me, and that wasn't happening, not tonight. I barely pretended to smile, "Have fun tonight."

With that I began to walk away, feeling like a boss. I hadn't told anyone off in a while. True, it was meaner than it could have been, but there was something about that chick that just made me want to tear her down. God. Is that how Serena feels all the time?

That's when I heard her yell to me, "I know who you are. I'm not an idiot." When I turned around, all I saw was her smirk growing. "Jenny Humphrey."

I shouldn't be surprised that someone recognized. My face was all over Gossip Girl, more often now than before I had left. Except the way she said it, like I was suppose to know it meant more than her knowing my name and face. So I made my way back to her before people started to notice our stare off.

"Can I help you?" My bitch was getting turned up a notch. I did not like her, not one little bit. "How about we get on the same level here. You know my name and who I am, so who the hell are you?" Because I had no idea who she was, at all, and I didn't really care either.

Her face didn't look familiar, and I doubted a name would help, but it was better than nothing. Plus she appeared pretty full of herself so it was likely she'd give me a bit more than her name. People usually tend to over share when it comes to an argument starting. You know, talk themselves up to try and intimidate one another. Except she already had my name and most likely background, so it was I who needed to play catchup on her.

"Emma? From Constance?" She said giving me this look like it was obvious. After getting no reaction from me by saying that, she continued. "After you left I took over things. Constance is my kingdom now. So thanks for that."

Oh god. My drunken mind was slowly putting together who she was. Really? Her? She actually became queen after I had left? She was nobody special, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. If anything she was more of the try-hard, wannabe kind of minion. But to be completely honest, it never really even crossed my mind who took the metaphorical crown after I had left.

Her thanks was sarcastic though, not like she wasn't happy to be queen, but sarcastic that my leaving gave it to her. That wasn't all that was confusing me. The fact she was basically calling me out definitely threw me off as well. It felt like she was going somewhere with his, but I couldn't think of anything that connected us.

Emma took my silent processing as an opportunity to continue, "Anyways, I just wanted to say I could care less about what you think my chances are with Chuck, or who he'll be thinking of, because you two are done. He dumped you over a phone call." She started to laugh as color drained from my face. "Everyone knows it. You're pathetic and irrelevant; the only reason anyone cares about you anymore is because you're dating Nate, except he dates everyone, so... you two probably won't even last long since you're acting like such a jealous ex towards Chuck."

Anger began to boil in my system. Nothing had ever made me as angry as I felt right now. Not even Serena had pushed so many buttons. You know what, even when Serena did go after me, at least she had a reason. At least she knew me, not my Gossip Girl bio.

"You know what Emma? I could care less about your chances with Chuck. But I am not lying when I tell you, he may say you're exactly what he wants, but really he'll be thinking about when we were Paris and just spent the day staying in bed doing everything and anything he wanted." I made my way closer, keeping my hands by my side. I was afraid if I kept them higher I might hit her. "You have fun though. While you're doing that I'll be with my loving boyfriend who'd do anything for me." I turned around, just to turn back, "Weird I have that affect on guys."

All I did was give her one last glare and fake smile, before making my way back to the bar. Why'd I have to go over to her? Now I was just furious and thinking about Chuck. What she said was all so wrong, I had to keep telling myself that. Because she wasn't right. Maybe about the phone call thing, but that was it. I was still very relevant and Chuck was hung up on me, I knew he was, and not even in a self-centered way. It was the way he looked at me...

I still loved the way he looked at me.

"You're Brooklyn trash!" I heard Emma holler back from where she was standing. I told myself to keep walking. "Why Blair ever chose you I'll never know." That I could have walked away from, but she had to continue herself. "But I guess she isn't so smart after all, I mean, she is knocked up with your brother's kid... guess she never was that amazing. After your history, she was still dumb enough to leave everything to you. Was she fucking Dan back then too?"

There was no point in telling myself to calm down. There was no way in hell I'd calm down. Instantly, without giving it a second thought, I turned back around and headed right to Emma; smacking her square across the face. "Listen here you little brat; I don't care if you call me Brooklyn trash. I don't care if you call my boyfriend easy. I don't give a damn if you sleep with Chuck. But don't you fucking dare say a thing about Blair or it will be much worse than a slap across the face."

"You think that hurt? Well just wait until you see my words in action, I swear they will travel faster than poison in your veins, and hurt more than your stinging pink cheek." I stopped talking to take a deep breath. My entire body no longer felt drunk, instead I felt adrenaline rushing through every inch of me. "You might be the queen of Constance right now, but I promise once you graduate you'll be back to a nobody. Blair Waldorf is the queen of the Upper East Side; you don't have a chance against her."

We both stood there in silence. Our eyes battling in the war to be intimidating. The slap itself really threw her off her game, just the way she was standing showed it. I no longer felt attacked either, no, I think I did a good job at flipping the table on that.

Right as she was opening her mouth I cut her off, "So if I hear anything, from anybody, that you're talking shit about Blair, not to mention my brother and their unborn kid, I promise I will show you how much of Brooklyn trash I can be."

Not giving her a chance for any type of redemption, I stormed out of the club, not even trying to look for Nate, and made my way outside. When I got outside though, I wasn't sure how to feel. There was Chuck, leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. And as his eyes noticed me, I broke down in tears.

Chuck threw his cigarette to the ground so quickly I almost didn't catch what he did. But he did. He threw it to the ground and ran over to me. "Jenny, are you okay? What's wrong?" His hand reached out to touch my arm but I yanked it away.

"No." I spoke calmly, although tears were pouring, "Do not touch me." My tone wasn't harsh or threatening, I was simply telling him not to touch me. I couldn't handle the feel of him. "I'm the worst girlfriend in the entire world. I think of you. I dress to catch your attention. I get jealous of the bitches you flirt with." I confessed for no reason. There was just something about Chuck that made me feel like I could tell him anything, even I shouldn't. "But I am Nate's girlfriend, and I refuse to leave him. He loves me. He hasn't said it, but everyday he does something to prove it. All I do is accept it and imagine what it would be like-" but I stopped myself.

"Jenny... we need to talk. I need to tell you I-" Chuck was cut off by my hand in the air, signaling him to quit it.

"There's nothing to talk about. It might take days, it might take weeks, I pray it won't take months, but I will fall madly in love with Nate, and we'll finally be on the same page, and you'll just be a painful memory instead of the desire I am constantly chasing either in person or in my heart." More tears began to roll down my face. It felt like I was saying goodbye to the love of my life, but I convinced myself the pain meant something else. "I kept blaming you for my pain, but just now, being called Brooklyn trash by that ever so lovely lady you've been flirting with, I realize I'm the one who's let you make me feel like that."

Confused, Chuck moved closer towards me, this time he managed to get his hand on my bare it side. It sent chills up my back and my heart rushed with the sweet familiarity. "Jenny, what are you trying to say..." He trailed off, but it was obvious he didn't want an answer, "Please, you have to understand that I... I..."

But like before when I begged for him to say something, nothing came out. Instead he stood there feeling my side, making me wish he'd take me by the waist with both hands. Except I'm glad he didn't, because then I'd just fall back into his spell, and I needed to stay strong. I need to stick to what I said. His eyes begged me to understand, but I couldn't take that as an answer.

"We're done. I'm done." I pushed his hand off of me. "If you see my boyfriend let him know I headed back to his bedroom, and I'll be waiting." With that I gave Chuck one last look and hailed a cab. As soon as I got in I watched Chuck furiously make his way back to the club.

I know I had told Nate I was done with Chuck before, and I faked myself into believing the same, but this time I was for real. Except I was real in a different way, because I admitted to myself what was really going on. I was in love with Chuck. I had been ever since Paris. I wanted Paris back. I wanted the romantic gestures and days spent in bed.

Those days were gone. Chuck was gone. He was right there begging for me but he was gone. I realized I was having the same problem Blair had, he couldn't say the words that mattered most, and those were the only words I needed to hear to him from. The amount of pain Blair went through to get those words... I didn't think I could go through that or sit around and wait for him to decide he's ready.

I wasn't going to say the words for him, and I wasn't going to wait around for him to say them either. Until he was ready to actually commit, I might as well not even exist to him, and at this rate I very well might not be open for his affection much longer, regardless of how badly I wanted it. There was already a guy willing to give me what he wouldn't and more.

*Line*

A/N: Next chapter or the one after will be the best so far. Either way they'll be in the top two haha. Anyways, totallyyyyy excited to finally get to this point I have been working for :) You'll all appreciate it (I hope).

Sort of silly but I'd like to dedicated this chapter to my brother, who has always believed in my writing and was the person who got me into Gossip Girl in the first place. We would watch every week together, edge of our seats, to see what drama would go down. He always supported my love for Jenny as a character, but we always agreed B is forever the Queen. He's graduating from college this weekend, which he worked very hard for, and I'm super proud of him. Thank you, Scottie, you're amazing.