Disclaimer: Not mine

Chapter Twenty One

It was getting late and the team was finishing up paperwork when Kate stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall. He had come here to get away from her, she knew, after one hell of a fight. She had thought seriously about just going to sleep. After all, it was his apartment. He had to come home sooner or later. And they she realized that she didn't really want to leave things the way they were, so she'd gotten dressed and come to find him.

She peeked into Jack's office, saw the look on his face, and apparently thought better of going in. Danny, in the meantime, was frantically waving her down. "I wouldn't go in there if I were you," he warned her. Even Elena shook her head. "He's in a rotten mood. I would leave him here overnight and try again in the morning."

Kate sighed and sat down heavily in one the chairs at the big table where they were working. "I'm going to have to face the music sooner or later, since his mood is kind of my fault."

They immediately rallied around her, telling her that it wasn't her, that Jack could be an asshole, and all kinds of other things. She just laughed. "Yeah, well, I kind of told him to butt out of my life. I hurt his feelings, and I owe him an apology."

"I have had to tell him to butt out of my life a million times," Sam put in, earning a look form Vivian that clearly said 'not helping' which she ignored. "I'm sure it was justified."

But Kate just looked up at them ruefully. "He made an appointment for me to see an oncologist here in the city, get a second opinion, without telling me. I lost my cool, told him to butt out of my life and stop treating me like a child. To which he accused me of 'just giving up,' to which I answered that I had every right to do." The team looked at her in horror, and she nodded. "I told you. I lost my temper. I'll talk to him, tell him I don't mean it. It's just… I just felt like he went behind my back, and… I don't know, for him to say I was giving up…he has no idea what I've been through, how hard I've fought, or he wouldn't say that."

Vivian nodded. "Maybe you should tell him."

"I know. I will. Wish me luck." The team watched as she squared her shoulders and walked to his door, her Converse high-tops squeaking on the floor, looking about fifteen in her skinny jeans and thin sweater, a pink ball cap on her head. She took a deep breath, and opened the door to go in without knocking. Sam looked at the others. "See? They're meant for each other."

"Yeah, they're both stubborn, dysfunctional workaholics with anger issues. They'll probably be together forever," Danny remarked.

"Either that, or they'll kill each other in a week," Martin added.

Jack looked up when the door opened. Kate was the last person he'd expected to see. He'd half expected her to be packed and gone by the time he got back. He wouldn't blame her, either. He should have learned his lesson by now. He'd been trying to help, but he knew from experience that his idea of helping and other people's idea of helping rarely coincided. He just knew that he was too raw right now to talk to her. He knew himself. In the state he was in right now, he was 100% guaranteed to say something stupid that would drive her away for good, and that was the last thing he wanted. He just didn't know how to stop it. He felt a sudden déjà vu: the end with Sam had come in much this way. "I'm not ready to talk to you," he finally said.

"Well, that's tough, because I owe you an apology and you're going to get it." He sat back in his chair, stunned. He was usually the one doing the apologizing.

Kate didn't sit down. She paced, then stopped in front of his desk. She laid her hands on the desk and leaned over it, so that he was looking up into her face, so that there was nowhere to go, and no way he could mistake her meaning. "I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. I was insulted by the implication that I hadn't done everything I could to fight. That I hadn't gotten myself the best care available. That I would leave my kids—and you—without a fight." He opened his mouth to speak and she silenced him with a raised hand. "If I were giving up, I wouldn't have agreed to another round of chemo which, let's face it—be glad you missed, because it wasn't pretty. I was gut-sick every hour of every day. And I knew what I was getting into because I'd already been through it once. And then, agreeing to another mastectomy, which I still might have to have—agreeing voluntarily to become half a woman—don't you dare say I'm not fighting." She took a deep breath, still looking into his eyes. "I understand that you have abandonment issues, and all I can tell you is this: if I leave you, you have to know that with my last breath, I fought to stay with you. Always."

"I'm sorry, Kate. I was honestly trying to help. I thought maybe this guy might have some more ideas…something new that we could try…" The we nearly broke her. "I didn't mean that you weren't doing all you could—what I said after was just my temper talking. You are about the bravest person I know—and losing your breasts doesn't make you half a woman. I think it makes you more." He walked around his desk and took her in his arms. "I love you so much," he breathed into her hair. "I'm so scared of losing you. I realized this week—I don't want you to go home. I don't ever want to be away from you again. Not for one more day." She looked at him, her eyes wide. "I think with my own special brand of convoluted Jack Malone reasoning that I was hoping you would find a doctor here you liked, and a new treatment, and you'd stay forever."

"Well, that's a pretty stupid way of getting me to stay forever," she said swiping angrily at her own tears. "Why couldn't you just ask me?"

"Because I'm basically a coward. I told you I was no good at this stuff. I don't know why you're so surprised when I keep doing stupid things."

He took hold of her shoulders and set her away from him, at arm's length, so he could concentrate on what he was about to say. He was no good at being put on the spot. He needed time to think, and process, and research, and decide on a course of action. But he wasn't going to get it. He looked at her for a long time, his eyes never leaving hers, until he knew what he had to do: the only thing he could do. Slowly, his eyes still on hers, he took her hands in his, and then slowly dropped to one knee.

In the hall, Vivian, who was still watching, got the attention of the rest of the team. They stood there, together, looking on. "He's gonna screw it up," Martin said, and Sam elbowed him in the ribs. "Shut up. Don't say that."

"What the hell are you doing?" she whispered.

"Kate, I love you. I realize that I don't deserve you, but I give you my word that I will spend every day doing my best to make you happy. I'm a bad bet, a pain in the ass, and fifty years old. But if you want me, I want you to be my wife."

"Are you trying to talk me into it or out of it?"

He laughed. "I'm not sure. I just want to be honest with you."

"I think I know what I'm getting into by now. Besides," she laid a hand against his cheek. "I may not even make it to fifty."

"I don't care. For as long as we have, I want to spend it with you."

She tugged on his arm. "Get up, you idiot."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes, damn it. Yes, I'll marry you, but I think we're both—" She was cut off as he kissed her. "Insane."

"Oh, I know it," he said in between kisses. "But you know what? I don't care anymore." He kissed her again. And again.

There was a knock and they looked up to see the whole team standing there, from Danny and Elena beaming with their arms around each other to Vivian with an indulgent smile, to Martin shaking his head, to Sam, smiling with tears in her eyes. Then the door was opened and there were hugs and congratulations all around. Kate felt like one of the family, for she knew that's what they were: his family. She was even hugged by Sam. Finally, Jack looked around his office. "Don't you have somewhere to go? Get out of here." To Kate he said, "Listen, honey, I'm just waiting for a call and then I'll be ready to go. Do you want to wait?"

"Sure, I'll wait. I'm going to grab a soda."

"Break room's around the corner."

"I can find it. I'll be back."

In the break room, Kate got herself a soda and then sat down at one of the tables. She took a drink and set her ball cap on the table, then put her head in her hands. Today had been an emotional roller-coaster for her, and it had taken a lot out of her. As much as she wanted to be with this man, she just wasn't sure she could go through this kind of wringer every day, especially with the cancer. It had been different when she was in remission. Now, she just didn't know if she had the energy. What had she gotten herself into? Did she just agree to move to New York? How in the hell was she going to do that? What was she going to do about a job? And the kids? She shook her head at herself. She should have told him she'd think about it, should have made him talk it out, rather than making the decision just like that. But that look in his eyes... there was no way she could have said anything else.