CHAPTER THIRTY TWO
The dawn sky strained to reach through the partly drawn gauzy curtains, and made the room glow. It's still early, Steph realized. Couldn't be much past 5 AM, since Carlos was still wrapped around her body. Nice. She smiled lazily. He wasn't here when she went to bed; he must have come in pretty late. But at least he'd gotten some rest. He had slept some. She felt the warmth radiating from his body onto hers. It's good to have him there. He'd stayed mostly sober, most of the time, since Tank beat the shit out of him last month. He was gaining his weight and his strength and his will back.
Day by day, he slowly was becoming the man she had once met. There was definitely a difference. He was back to being an unapproachable, unflappable, blank faced automaton. He was behaving more like the enigma she had met years ago in a cafe, than the man she fell in love with, but that was better than the morose stranger who had been living here. Take what I can get, she reminded herself. Her mother was probably right about that. Who was she to decide at what pace Ranger should grieve? When did I start taking my mother's advice, she briefly wondered.
Herself, well, her days were starting to have meaning again. She wanted back to the way things had been. And she wanted to move on. She was shocked still by the depth of emotion that a tiny baby could elicit in only a few short hours. Holding her son, she had felt such a sense of contentment, of completion, even knowing how it was going to end. She surprised herself by acknowledging that she wanted, more than anything, to have another child. Since that couldn't happen till at least the beginning of the year, after Ranger was declared healthy and HIV-free, she wanted to rebuff the agony that had befallen them.
She felt him move, and saw his eyes flutter.
"Morning."
"Morning babe." He nuzzled into her neck, and his arms snaked around Stephanie, pulling her closer to him. The blankets shifted, and he tugged them back over their entwined form.
It felt good to be in his arms, Stephanie thought once again. The concept was so simple. Carlos nearby just made everything better. Her sleep had been restful and restorative. She smiled to herself. She kissed his earlobe, and delicately nibbled at his ear.
"Babe." Ranger groaned.
"Carlos."
"You know what today is?" she asked him seductively, stretching languidly, like a cat, still nibbling on his earlobe.
"Mmh. That feels nice. Our wedding day."
"I love you Carlos."
"Babe."
Stephanie snuggled closer. Oh, his body fits me so perfectly. I want for this to be forever. "You know what that means," she whispered with meaning into his ear. "We can have our honeymoon till we choose a new wedding day. The doctor cleared me yesterday."
"Babe, it's been too long." Ranger's hands roamed and rubbed, and found their way under the tiny tank top she was wearing. His fingers gently caressed her breast, sending shivers up and down her spine at the same time. Her moan set Ranger on edge.
"Don't stop Carlos. Keep touching me. Don't let go, ok?"
"Babe."
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"Ranger, Stephanie, good morning. Glad to have you both back." Tank looked at them both momentarily. There was no need to acknowledge why they'd been gone; everyone in the room had been to visit them often since Rafael's birth. "Ranger, I will conduct this morning's meeting, and then we can sit down to begin transferring everything again."
Tank handled the daily meeting with a decisive and commanding manner. Stephanie hadn't ever seen him at such a level of authority. She was impressed. She looked around the room; no one else seemed overly awed by his performance. Hmm, Tank wasn't just another pretty face. One more thing that she was the last to know about.
Steph was unsure about coming back to RangeMan. She had not planned on it after the baby was born, of course. But she was at loose ends. Every day, staying home only reinforced the loss they had undergone. She didn't think she could move on if she stayed at home, after all she knew she wasn't cut out to be a Burg wife. And Carlos wasn't asking that of her. But there was no financial need for her to put Rafael in day care or have a nanny, just so she could work. So they had agreed she'd stay home till she couldn't take it any longer. Now, the house was just a shell. How? Rafael had never even come home. Yet his presence loomed large in every corner.
Due to continued expansion at RangeMan Miami, the Trenton office was short a computer researcher. Who else could deal with the never-ending pile of requests from Rodriquez? Surprise! Stephanie Plum, that's who. Or at least that's what the guys all told her. Of course she had a slight suspicion that it was because they hated computer work so much that they found her to be so efficient. Coming back to work seemed sensible. She could move forward, help RangeMan, and heck she was dammed good at it. Her spidey sense and her Burg connections tied together to make her one of the best researchers they had in the company.
She settled back into the routine quickly. She had gone out on a distraction or two, but rarely. She was proud to be more valuable to the company as a researcher than as a piece of ass. She enjoyed living away from Haywood, she decided. That way there was a clear separation between work time and playtime. Having a place to hide upstairs was nice when she needed a break, and Ella meals were a real bonus, but the ability to leave was freeing.
Rarely did she and Ranger drive to work together. Their schedules were too inconsistent to allow that luxury. They saw each other often throughout their days. But their old relationship wasn't working any longer. They needed to find a new way to exist. Post-loss. And it was harder than anything she'd ever done.
Ranger was still distant. He was physically recovered from the mission and the car accident. He had spent the summer rebuilding his strength. He could and did whip Tank's ass, or another unlucky Merry Man, on a weekly basis, just because he could. But Stephanie felt that psychologically he was still locked down tight, burying all of his emotions deeply inside.
She didn't know what else to do for him. She loved him. She mourned her son. She wasn't sure what she wanted any more. How could she help him? Ranger alternately pushed her away when she needed comfort or would become needy and demanding when she felt the need to pull back. The pressures of his demands on her emotional psyche were torturing her. She needed space. She wanted a child. She wanted Ranger to be near her; and to leave her alone. In other words, she was a mess.
Julie came to visit later in the summer, and stayed for three weeks. It was mostly a pleasant change, having her with them for weeks at a time. She was a nice buffer between Ranger and Stephanie. Finally they had something to discuss.
The night after Julie arrived, Trey came to see her. Ranger saw Treyvon's SUV in the driveway, so he had known he was at the house when he got home late that night. But he didn't expect to walk into the den and find Trey draped over Julie on the couch, his tongue down her throat. He flipped on the lights, and when they jumped off the couch, he quietly growled that they needed to become more aware of their surroundings.
Julie turned bright red, Trey looked down at his feet and mumbled goodbye to Julie and to Ranger as he tried to duck out of the den quietly. Ranger followed him out the door and lit into him. He grabbed his shoulder and spun him about. "She just turned fucking 13 three days ago!!!"
"Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir."
"Bullshit. You're not one bit sorry. She is my daughter. Keep your dick in your pants Treyvon, or so help me god…"
"Yes, sir. Goodnight." He quickly mumbled as he got into his SUV and tore out of the driveway.
Ranger kicked the tires on his own vehicle a time or two, and then strode purposefully to the back of the house, where he had an addition built with a gym. After beating the tar out of the punching bag, until his hand swelled and reddened, he went back into the den with some pain pills and grabbed a couple of bottles of Corona from the fridge; turned out the lights and sat down on the couch, remote in one hand, bottle in the other.
Julie found him early the next morning when she got up to go for her sunrise run. At first she thought he had awakened early. She saw his head leaning against the back of the couch, and rushed in to ask if he was running with her. She had always enjoyed their runs in the past. It was her daddy time…she inwardly grimaced at that thought. 'Daddy time.' I'm not a child. But still, she told herself, it was a good time to spend with him, alone, no Steph or Uncle Charlie or the guys to interfere.
"Daddy? Dad?" Julie touched his face, and still couldn't wake him. His head was tilted to the side, he was snoring gently and totally unaware of her presence. She looked over at the table next to him and frowned. She picked up the bottle and read the prescription name. Vicodin. "Daddy?" she whispered. She palmed his face, and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "What's the matter, dad?" She felt his arms come around her; so she settled in and snuggled into his embrace. She opened up the scrapbook that lay on his lap, and quietly gazed at the photos.
Rangers hand came up to her head, and he tousled her hair. "Querida," he mumbled, and his breath was rank. "Dad?" She looked deeply into his eyes. "Why are you hurting yourself? You shouldn't be taking pills. Those are for when you have surgery and stuff. Mom had them when she had her back surgery."
"Julie, it's not your place, ok?"
Julie looked up at him and shrugged. "Fine. Let's go run." She grabbed his hand to pull him up and he winced as she squeezed the hand he had injured the night before.
"What's wrong?" she asked, as she dropped it again. "The pills were for this querida. Busted my hand last night."
Suddenly last night came rushing back. Treyvon and Ranger had left together. "Dad, you didn't hit Trey did you? It wasn't his fault! I wanted him to kiss me. I asked him to. Dad?" Her voice was rising, and she became agitated. "Dad! What did you do to him?"
"Nothing querida. This time. I don't want to see what I saw last night ever again, do you understand me?"
"Dad." Julie groaned.
"Julie."
"Fine. Are you running or not?"
Ranger ran his good hand over his face. "Yeah. Give me a minute, ok?" He knew he lost his cool. Shit. This is not the way to start out our visit.
About 3 miles into their run, Ranger slowed the pace a bit, so they could talk. "Julie. About last night."
"What."
"You're too young for what I saw."
"What did you see dad, can't you even say it?"
"Julie."
"Dad. I am not a child! I wanted him to kiss me. I like him."
"I am aware of that Julie. I know you like him. I don't think you should be getting involved with someone so much older than yourself. You shouldn't be getting involved with anyone. You're only thirteen"
"Daddy." Damn, when did Julie perfect Stephanie's eye roll?
"Julie. He's almost grown. He's going to college next year. You aren't even in high school."
"Daaaaddy."
"Julie."
"I haven't been a little girl in a long time. I haven't ever been a little girl, I don't think. I killed a man; I'm not a baby. I will kiss him if I want." And she speed off.
Fuck. Ranger decided to approach this from a different angle. After all he promised Rachel he'd talk to her, and Rachel hadn't expected the conversation to involve Trey, but school and her attitude.
"Julie, your mother wants me to discuss your lack of interest in school last year. What's going on there, hmm?"
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A few days after Julie arrived for her extended summer visit, Stephanie took her to the mall for some female bonding and shopping. They were having a good time, despite the fact that Julie had grown into the same sullen teenager that Stephanie recalled being herself at that age. But shopping had lit a spark in her eye, so they roamed in and out of stores. Stephanie laughed when Julie wanted to try on one revealing outfit after the other. "You can try them on, missy, but don't go thinking 'I' am going to explain to your father why his daughter looks like a slut! They stay right here in the store."
"Steph, please? Let me buy this! Please please please!! It makes me look sexy!" Julie smiled as she spun around in the mirror. "Treyvon asked me to go out with him on Friday, Steph. I need something new to wear."
"Oh, you are the devil, Julie." Stephanie laughed. They settled on a somewhat less revealing, but still 'sexy' outfit slightly more appropriate for a young teen, and Julie almost did cartwheels, she was so thrilled. Stephanie knew she was being had.
"Your father isn't all that interested in you going out with Treyvon, Julie, and you know it."
"But I like him. And he likes me. Why can't we go out together?"
"Julie, you're 13, and he's 17. That's a big age difference. Your father's just worried."
"Well, that's stupid. I don't like the boys my age. They're dorks. And none of the boys at school are like Trey. He makes me feel special Stephanie. He always has. He can make me smile, even when I am angry at my mother. We IM and he makes me laugh, and feel good about things again."
Yup. Something is definitely going on with her. Ranger had asked Stephanie to try to get into Julie's head. She was getting out of hand back at home, and Rachel was at her wits end. So, while this visit was of course welcome, it was also designed to see if they could figure out what was going on in her teenage mind.
They sat with their bags and their pizza and cokes in the food court, and Julie's eyes wandered from one teenaged boy to the next. She pointed out one after the other to Stephanie, and explained why they were hot or dorks. Quite an education, Stephanie idly considered, sipping on her coke. She looked to where Julie was pointing this time, and gasped.
Joe had just walked past them, not even aware of her, because he had baby Meredith on his shoulder, and was attempting to maneuver her stroller through the food court with his free hand. Stephanie's eyes followed them, she couldn't tear herself away. She had yet to go meet Joe's daughter. It seemed too hard, too soon. Julie realized she was being ignored, and finally turned to Stephanie.
"What's the matter Steph? Stephanie? What's wrong?" She noticed Stephanie was staring at a man with a baby. "Steph? Do you know him? What's the matter?" She watched as the man maneuvered the stroller and then pulled out a chair at an empty table and sat down. When he sat, he looked their way. His eyes smiled, and he stood back up to greet them.
"I know you. You're the cop guy, right, who calls Stephanie 'Cupcake', aren't you? You used to be her other boyfriend." Julie spoke up brightly as soon as he walked over.
"Yeah, that would be me. You're Manoso's little brat, right?" Joe joked with Julie and she laughed loudly.
"Steph? Hey, how are you?" Joe sat down at their table. "Julie, right? Could you go over and get the stroller for me? Thanks."
Stephanie looked at Joe's face, and then down at his shoulder, where Meredith was bobbling her head about. "Steph?"
"Hi, Joe." But her eyes never moved from the baby. "She's big, Joe."
"Yeah, she's growing fast." Shit, this is awkward, he thought. "Steph, do you want to hold her?"
Julie came back with the stroller and watched the two adults; they seem tense, she thought. "What's her name? And what's yours anyway? I forget." Steph shook her head to clear it. "Julie, this is Joe Morelli. And his baby is Meredith. Can I, Joe? Really?"
"Of course, you can, if you want. Here you go," and with that he stood and gently placed the now wiggling infant in Stephanie's arms. "We are out on a birthday present mission for Mommy today, but Meri doesn't seem to be much of a shopper yet." Joe watched as Stephanie held his daughter. There was a pang, just a small one, as he thought of how close this had been his reality.
"That's a pretty name, Meri." Julie piped in. This feels odd, she thought. They are really uncomfortable together. "How old is she?"
Joe looked to Stephanie with a look of pain, and then turned to Julie. "She's three months old, Julie." Stephanie let out a small sob, and both of them turned their attention to her.
There were tears forming in the corners of Steph's eyes. Meredith was trying to play with Stephanie's nose. Her fingers were pudgy, and flapping at Steph's face, touching her cheeks and nose. Steph turned her face into the baby's neck and breathed deeply. Joe stood again, to take her from Stephanie, when he heard the tears. He knelt down, and put his hands out. "Steph, let me hold her, ok?"
She looked up at him and nodded her head. She sniffled, kissed the baby on her forehead, and handed her over to Joe. He took her and placed her in her stroller, and then turned back to Stephanie. "Cupcake. Look at me. Are you ok?"
"Yeah. Yes." Sniffle. "I'm good. Really." And with that, the waterworks turned on and Stephanie began bawling.
"Stephanie, what's the matter?" Julie was freaking out. What was wrong? "What did you do to her?" She asked Joe.
"Julie, calm down. Meredith, well, she shares a birthday with your baby brother."
"Oh." Comprehension dawned. "Oh. Stephanie, it's ok. Stephanie, do you want me to get daddy? Please, Steph, stop crying." Julie stood next to Stephanie, holding her, rocking her head in her arms.
People were studiously avoiding the little drama in the food court; all the while making sure they filed away every bit of information for later dispersal. After some time, Joe stepped a few feet away, and pulled out his phone.
When Ranger arrived a few minutes later, Stephanie was gulping air, but the tears had stopped. Ranger held her and talked to her till she calmed down. After a while, Ranger stood and walked over to Joe. Julie looked confused, as her dad and Mr. Morelli stood talking for a minute. Mr. Morelli nodded, and then her father bent down, and picked up Meri himself, and held her for a moment. She saw his eyes get watery before he handed her back to her father.
That's when Julie absolutely lost it herself. She let Stephanie's hand go, and ran out of the building. Ranger and Joe saw her leave, but Ranger shook his head. He knew Tank was outside; he'd given him a lift since he would be driving Steph's car.
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Stephanie was in bed, after a long and soothing bath, and a thoughtful, solicitous evening spent with Ranger. He tucked her in and held her close to him until her breathing settled and he though she was asleep. He didn't know what to say to her, so he didn't say much, but he paid her close attention, and attempted to provide for her every need. Things, he could do for her. Words, well he knew they failed him.
Checking in on his daughter, he found her asleep with the lights on, so he carefully closed her book, tucked her in and turned out the lights. Walking down the stairs carefully in the dark, he worked his way to the den, for another long and sleepless evening.
Stephanie wasn't asleep. Her mind was in turmoil. She couldn't believe the amount of tears she had cried that evening. And what shocked her was that she was crying not just about Rafael, or about how Meri had felt in her arms, but about the fact that Joe was happy, and that it could have been her.
She cried about the pressure to finish grieving, the pressure from Joe to solidify their relationship before she had split with him. There were tears from the pressure Ranger had exerted then, to move forward, beyond Joe. The pressure now, to both stand still in their grief and move far beyond it. He has to be grieving still, or he'd stop drinking. He'd talk again. Will he ever talk to me again? Can it ever be the same? What else can I do? What do I do with my life? How do we move forward?
Where the hell is my life going anyway?
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