Chapter 20
Going Beyond The Self
A/N- I made a mistake in chapter 18's author's note, I meant to say there would be gap between the posting of chapter 22 and 23 (which is a little later). But as it turns out, I will be done with my "research" which some of you may already know about because I talked about it in my author's note for "Revenge of the Cookie Sith"- when the newest chapter was just posted. The research was basically me going to the bookstore at the first chance I got to reread one of the NJO books (well, not the whole thing but part of it) because I sold my copies of the NJO series on ebay before I realized I needed them for my fan fiction. (I was fed up with not having Anakin in them so I got them out of my room and sold them- stupid me). Anyways, there might be a slight delay because I'm spending a lot of time on 23 and onwards (detail and length wise), so either keep checking or do story alert if you want to know when each new posting comes out.
For this chapter I decided I needed to do some more in depth character first person thoughts Each one is marked and separated so you don't get confuzzled while reading them.
Okee dokee!
-Don "QuixoticQuest"
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Anakin
I'm not always sure my existence is for the sake of others. I find that most of the time I'm doing something for someone else but they feel the need to return the favor.
Maybe it's because the debt is too much to hold on to. I don't want anyone to feel indebted. They should accept that I just want to do something for them because I want to. I do want to. I've never not wanted to give up part of myself to another. Even the Yuuzhan Vong. They'll take it even if I don't offer it.
Tahiri won't take anything from me. No matter what I try to give her it's never enough because she does everything in her power to even the score and in the end it becomes uneven. Again, that's probably my fault.
I can't help but think she's got everything planned so I can't do her any favors. At least not without her repaying it. When we were younger she'd evened out the score in our first trip to the temple by saving me from the Kryt Dragon. Then again by sitting and listening to me talk about everything that was wrong with me, not her. I would listen to her, but it seems like my problems are always more important to her than her own. I can't stand it. When I know that the Yuuzhan Vong poisoned me and it won't leave my body, among other things I still haven't told her are piling up, I still only want to hear what she has to say. But she won't. I know she won't. Because she's Tahiri, the only person I know who's completely selfless without trying to be.
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Zekk
The Empire will never let me go. I've struggled against it for long enough to know that even when I die, it will be printed on the memories of everyone that I was once one of them, that I betrayed what I should have protected. I will never fully understand the light side of the force because I'm already on the dark side.
Jaina thinks I don't know what she believes about me. I know. I know she doesn't think I should give up and let myself just float through life in a distant cloud from everyone else. I've never known someone who so wholeheartedly believed in something so crazy. Even though I completely, and without a single doubt, tried to kill her, she still thinks I was pure hearted.
I almost wish I hadn't kissed her in the kitchen. Not because I didn't want to, but because she deserves someone who actually can achieve more than being a lost bounty hunter who's afraid every time he picks up a lightsaber. Even Mara Skywalker is more revived than I am. And she served the Emperor directly.
I was much worse. I served myself. I joined because I thought no one cared about me. Because no one noticed me for just being a low life. Well, when Brakiss did, I couldn't have been happier. He gave me everything I wanted. Everything I needed to be acknowledged. Everyone did notice me. Everyone did know my name. Now they can't forget Zekk, Lord Zekk, who single-handedly led the assault on Yavin 4 and nearly demolished it.
Now I can only hope that everyone forgets me.
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Tahiri
Parents. I never had them. Because I didn't, I never thought about wanting them or that I might actually need them. Sliven was the closest family I had and I didn't spend nearly enough time with him to really be his daughter. I left him on Tatooine when I should have been with him. If I'd been paying attention to the force, I'd have known he was in pain. Instead I only noticed after Master Skywalker told me. I had to be told that my family was in danger. I had to be told that my only father was dying. The person who had raised me from age four was dying and I was off somewhere else.
I can't even imagine how I've made Kam and Tionne feel after all this. They're my mom and dad and I can't even tell them what's going on with me. I can't even tell them I'm dating Anakin.
I can't even tell Anakin how much he means to me. No matter how much I talk, it won't ever match the five words he gets out in one day.
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Jaina
I've spent my life with a bunch of reckless, oblivious and reserved boys who can't seem to understand what they do to everyone else each time they take another step over the fine line of sanity and into the insane.
Every time I look at Jacen he seems to have less and less of a care for his own life and has almost killed himself twice within a short span of time. Anakin has done much worse, every time he steps out he ends up in the med-center. The Yuuzhan Vong are only happy to oblige those two in their endeavors to die. I live with the world's biggest nerf headed brothers. You could say they have hutt slime for brains with how they act on a day to day basis. I have to hold both of them together. You'd think Jacen would at least be mature enough to make level headed decisions. Well, at least Tenel Ka is looking after him. Anakin has Tahiri too. I'm not sure which has the worse end of the stick.
Zekk on the other hand, hasn't done anything but right since he decided to help us. He hasn't taken any unnecessary risks. Unless you count the capture by the Yuuzhan Vong which wasn't really his fault. He's avoiding confrontation about our kiss in the kitchen, and I can't figure out if he wanted to do it or not.
With Zekk, all I can think of is how much I don't see him as the same person he was when he attacked Yavin 4. All I see is the fun loving boy who avoided being taken in by the Lost Ones. Now he's more serious and doesn't ever try to enjoy anything. I can feel his tense and stiff nature in the force. I don't think the imperials squeezed who he was out of him, he just doesn't want to be that person anymore for some reason.
I don't think I can let him avoid it any more. Because whether he likes it or not, I'm stubborn and I don't like giving up until I get answers.
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Jacen
You'd think there'd be an easy way to talk to the one person you cared about. But when she's as stiff and formal as they come. You can only hope that she interprets "Yes, Your Majesty" as "I love you." That would never happen in a million light years. Especially not with Tenel Ka.
I guess the simple thing would be that it's her rigid personality that makes it easier for me to talk to her. If we were both informal, things wouldn't be the way they are, and I like things as they are.
But if there was an easier way in the force to give hints without actually saying it, nobody told me about it. Nope. Good old Jacen Solo, stumped. That's the best joke I've ever heard. I guess I could always do what dad did, except I already got Tenel Ka ejected from her own family and planet.
Well, there's always Plan B. Just tell her. But I'm not sure I like that idea any more than I like listening to Em-Tedee translate for Lowie.
Does every Solo man have to marry a princess? Anakin is one lucky son a of a bith.
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Tenel Ka
If there was ever a simple solution to regaining your planet when it was your own family who took it from you and did it in addition exile my grandmother neglected to inform me of it. In fact she was the one who taught me of the ways to avoid assassination, uprising sings, a coup, all of these from the outside, but never from the inside.
Perhaps Jacen was correct that I must confront this directly. There seems to be no other way to gain back the Hapan alliance when the Jedi need it most. I cannot imagine what my grandmother has in store, but she never plans anything pleasant when she decides she does not like something.
Jacen and I will go. He may be the reason she kicked me out, but we are Jedi and if she is to accept me, she is to accept him as well. Both of us represent the Jedi, we both follow the ways of the force, and have faced more danger than being exiled. That should not stop us.
Then there is the matter of Jacen and my relationship. I am sure she will not accept him as my friend now, let alone something more. Though I do not think it will matter once I accept the throne.
Hapes will have to be ready to have two Jedi in its borders since I am still the heir to my home. While I am, no one will stand between the Jedi and their victory in the war. Not even my grandmother.