Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Author's Note: Thank you for the kind words, you know I remember debating on having Ellis pass away, but when I read that last chapter again, I was glad for it … it was a catalyst and Meredith might have needed that and in some ways Derek needed to really be there for Meredith, even when she wasn't there physically.
Anyway, if you know Tracy Chapman, then you know how lovely her voice is and how powerful her songs are. I am listening to this song as I post this chapter for you, I think you should find it and listen too … she's amazing and the lyrics, seriously … read them!
Chapter 11 – The Promise
Lyrics for Tracy Chapman's "The Promise":
If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart
Chapter 11 – The Promise – Meredith Grey
"I always hold a place for you in my heart."
Meredith sighed, her hands moving in soothing circles; low across her belly – she was right – their baby was a fighter! The miracle of their baby was fine, more than fine – their miracle baby was the perfect measurement of eight week's worth of growing – their baby would survive. And from the moment Dr. Jackman made the announcement yesterday, Meredith was finally able to breathe easy, finally willing to let herself fall totally and completely in love with this small idea of … them.
She sat now – waiting for Derek – waiting for the world to become even smaller, taking a deep breath of the fragrant, salty air now, her eyes skimmed the large perfectly manicured lawn all around her – bright green, screaming of life – and the deepest blue of the Indian Ocean just beyond that – the green leaves of the boundary trees dancing with the waves and traveling whitecaps over the water – and it was then that Meredith became lost in the culmination of the beauty of her surroundings.
She shifted slightly and pulled her sun hat down, the sun was stronger here than on Bali, the air not as humid or oppressive, yet still tropical – it was perfect actually, not a cloud in the sky – not a raindrop in the forecast for now – which was fine by her – for Meredith could use a little mild weather, she could use a reprieve from the storms swirling all around her … storms that invariably seemed to mingle with her life. How appropriate – the immense storms of the last week were moving out to the deep sea now – and then she thought for once her timing might actually be perfect.
Meredith raised her hand, resting it on the damp skin of her neck, just above the knotted-bodice of her midnight blue dress – her heart trembling with anticipation once again at the prospect of seeing Derek – of his arrival here, after everything they had been through, both together and apart from one another. It was true, they had grown, their hearts had mended, healed – at least hers had – for her capacity to love had been restored and her desire to survive had been lifted up tenfold by everything she had experienced since she departed on this journey, all of which she wouldn't have wanted to change … ever.
An impromptu smile covered her face now as she once again realized the true journey was only just about to begin. And if everything she had been through since she met Derek, everything she endured … and he endured … and they endured lead them right here, to this moment – on an island in the middle of the ocean – than she would take it, because even with the quieting prospect of telling Derek about the baby, even with the small amount of fear she held in her heart, she wouldn't change a damn thing! None of it!
If it all was a precursor for this moment, she would do it all again in a heartbeat.
She stood, feeling the need to move, to stand. She had slipped her flip flops off when she sat down and she left them there and walked a few steps towards the trees, the ocean breeze picking up as she did – the cold blades of grass shrouding her toes, cooling her down now – her dress moving all around her. The breeze pushed against her – she felt the weight of her mother's death again – but quickly pushed back, effectively moving her mother out of her mind … for now. Because today, this inevitable moment that could be minutes away, was about her and Derek and them. She turned around, half expecting to find him there – but only smiled at her desire for him – when he hadn't materialized … yet.
"I've longed for you and I have desired to see your face, your smile."
Meredith turned again and walked back to the bench to sit down. Keeping her eyes focused on the horizon, the white sandy beach colliding with the azure blue ocean, she lost herself again for a moment, this time allowing her mind to wander to her mother. She felt a twinge of sadness … but let it go. Just let it go, she coached herself now.
She had spoken with Cristina briefly and she was okay. She had moved beyond apologizing now and Meredith found comfort in that. It was an interesting loss for Cristina – for the loss of Ellis Grey was indelible, and not only because she was Ellis Grey – but because in the weeks since Meredith had departed, Cristina had formed a bond with her mother, one that Cristina needed … one that she secretly cherished. During those weeks, her admiration for Ellis Grey was only intensified by her private meetings with the ailing woman, who was, for the mostpart – relieving the heyday of her residency – a time in her life when she wasn't too much older than Cristina and Meredith were presently. They had essentially bonded – interested student to trusted teacher – and in the end, Cristina would miss Ellis in a way that was totally legit and completely without the emotional baggage that Meredith had to deal with and somehow that softened the blow of her death. She found peace in knowing her mother didn't die alone, that she wasn't scared and in an unfamiliar place when she passed away – it seemed only fitting that she take her last breath at Grace – it made perfect sense. And well, the fact that Derek remembered her wishes made her realize his commitment to her even more.
Her mother had been cremated, according to her wishes as presented in her will. Her assets would be transferred to Meredith, the papers would be drawn up and sent to her via over-night delivery to this hotel here … and then the chapter would close – a small piece of her heart trembling now at the idea of truly being orphaned – only to be soothed by the life growing within her. Somehow the baby made everything seem better, not so hard, not so unforgiving.
She was blessed.
Immediately following the news of her mother's death and the strong chance for the baby's survival, Meredith spoke with Owen and in hushed tones he suggested she visit the temple, maybe try to connect the dots, he said … try to find peace within all of the chaos of the morning.
She was a mother.
At first, she fought him with the desire to do little else but stay in bed and not move. She wanted to lock it all down; she was scared to move away from the moment, still. She felt helplessly full of hope and sadness and she just wanted to sink under those conflicting emotions for a moment in time – just to remember this day – just to own it and survive it. And she did, she lay in her bed for a little while, watching her shadows become brighter and brighter and brighter as time moved on and the sun moved higher in the sky … and then it hit her – time was moving on – and so should she.
She was a survivor.
She took a quick shower then and slowly made her way over to the temple. Whilst she was there – she was rejuvenated – her skin became pink, not so sallow, her eyes became wide, her baby became part of her again – she felt the energy of Derek, reconnected to the moment she found out about this fighter-baby only a week ago – she was blessed … she was blessed.
She was full of love.
And as she left the temple an hour later in a desperate search for mangoes, she had a renewed vision of what she wanted for this time in her life – the time she had left with her assignment here – and she felt happy, for she was going to work, and to play too.
She could hardly wait to rest her eyes upon Derek.
Meanwhile, she had also heard from Alex, George, Izzie and Bailey, each offering their condolences, each finding it necessary to inquire about Derek's trip, each happy she wouldn't be alone "at a time like this," – each wondering why Derek was making a trip to Darwin instead of Bali – a point that surely kept her from returning their calls … for now.
First things first … Derek would come first … then everything else would fall into place. And on that thought her mind wandered to her appointment with Dr. Jackman yesterday.
***
Meredith stared at the ceiling, doing her best to relax as she endured another pelvic examination – it was all for the best – just focus on tomorrow, Derek would be here tomorrow and everything would be fine – they could work it out – she had no choice but to believe that this baby was the blessing they both needed – the sign – cosmic proof that all was not lost between them.
"Well, your baby is a fighter, Meredith," Dr. Jackman said, his soft voice, cheerful, his unruly blond locks appearing above the drape, his blue eyes free from concern, the pressure on her heart released for now. He rose up and smiled, briefly catching her eyes with his before he ducked back down beneath the drape.
"So …," she whispered –scanning the ceiling – seeking for more.
"Your midwife friend was right," he said as he continued. "Despite everything you've told me – your appendectomy, your low hormone levels – your cervix and uterus look healthy," he sighed. She felt that familiar uncomfortable scraping of the Pap Smear test and breathed through it. "We'll send the Pap Smear to the lab … but it should be clear," he said. "You look good, your cervix is closed – airtight – perfect for growing a baby," he chuckled again as he removed the speculum from her vagina … and she finally relaxed.
Meredith made a sigh of relief, pushing it out, above and beyond this moment in time. The baby was fine! Their miracle was a fighter – and rightly so – much like his or her parents seemed to be. She took another deep breath relishing in the fact that she was more than excited to tell Derek – to see him – could it be possible that she wanted him more than ever before?
"Remembering …your touch … your kiss … your warm embrace."
Except … she wouldn't be Meredith Grey without that small shadow of doubt – without that small sliver of worry crossing over her mind – she was desperate to know: would Derek be as happy as she? She hoped so; she hoped the days of Derek Shepherd walking away from her were over. Meredith had hope, which was something new and different for her … but – he remembered, he remembered her hope for her mother – and that had to mean something, right? Tears pricked her eyes; she moved her forearm up to cover her face – tomorrow, tomorrow – it couldn't come fast enough now, as those tears moved down the sides of her face, sneaking behind her ears.
Just let tomorrow come … just let him want us, she prayed silently, her heart shaking as she did.
"Okay Meredith, you'll feel my fingers now," Dr. Jackman said as he proceeded. Meredith took another deep breath and let her thighs relax, staring up to the ceiling, she let herself go … just enough, his fingers pressed deep into her vagina now. He placed his other hand on her abdomen, just as Ketut had done, and pressed down with gentle force. "So, everything feels good," he said. "Your uterus is about the right size for the gestational age of your fetus, since you're sure of the date of conception, it makes it easier, but yes … you're fine and so is your baby," he added, removing his fingers from her opening. He stood, smiled, and removed his gloves. He tossed them into a medical waste can and turned around to face her.
"So, everything is fine," she breathed. "Everything … everything …," Meredith could hardly speak now, overwhelming relief invaded her every neuron, every pore was somehow she filled with peace and disbelief over her good fortune. Her heart raced on this moment of truth – tomorrow, tomorrow – she chanted silently.
"Here," Dr. Jackman said, offering her his hand. "Why don't you sit up," he suggested. Meredith held his warm hand and sat up. "Don't be shocked," he chuckled. "You're a strong, healthy woman Meredith – you can do this – as if you were meant to," he said, placing a comforting hand on her forearm.
Meredith's heart raced at his choice of words – she was more than stunned – her heart leapt while Dr. Jackman turned to wash his hands. He made some notes in her file, but she could barely focus on anything else at the moment, any questions she had slipped her mind. She was bewildered and totally lost – the world once again becoming a little bit smaller – smaller and smaller it became as Derek got closer and closer now. Until tomorrow, she chanted silently, until tomorrow, she said as her hands fell to her belly. All Meredith could do was think of Derek now – we can do this – we can, she said to herself, for those words … Derek's words had moved her to see beyond so much more before, just as they seemed to now. He was on his way, this baby was blessed and she couldn't really ask for more.
Dr. Jackman turned to her then. "Why don't you get changed and then make your way to my office, third door down on the right, I have a couple of minutes before my next patient," he said with a warm smile.
A few minutes later, Meredith walked down the small, well-lit corridor, taking notice of the alternating pattern of modern art and sconces gracing the walls as she went. She found the office with ease and lightly tapped on the open door. The good doctor was on the phone, leaning back in his chair – his back to the expansive windows – the beautiful city of Darwin behind him. Bright sunlight shone through the windows as he laughed into the phone, with his lab coat off now, he looked more like a cross between a young Cary Grant and that chiseled specimen of a man, David Beckham. He smiled from ear to ear and welcomed her inside with a wave, all the while cackling. "I'll tell her …I will … bye buddy," he said as he hung the phone up.
"That was your partner in crime," he said. "Just calling to check in, he's always checking in, right?" he asked Meredith as she walked into the room. "Sit, please," he said and so she did.
She looked around the lovely office, beautiful Aboriginal art donned the walls – the décor was rustic, yet modern – kind of like the city and very much like Dr. Jackman himself. She was fascinated by him all of a sudden and could easily see how he and Owen were friends.
"So … Dr. Jackman, thank –"
"Meredith," he chuckled. "You have to call me Peter … please, Dr. Jackman is my father and he's old and gray and uptight," he laughed and she chuckled. "Plus, you're more of a friend anyway, well you know, any friend of Owen's is a friend of mine," he said with a smile and she believed him.
"Peter," she said with a smile. "Thanks … and thanks for seeing me today, in light of everything, well …," her voice trailed off, just thinking about the heavy meaning of the "everything" she referred to just then.
"Well, I don't see any reason why you can't finish your assignment, you're healthy, strong … and strong-willed from what I hear," he cackled smartly.
"I've heard the same about you … well, the strong-willed part anyway," she countered.
"Oh, so the good old boy's told you some stories, well …everything you've heard is probably true, and then some," he laughed, pushing himself back into his armchair.
"You're just how I imagined you'd be Peter – except for one thing – your clinic here … it's –"
"Uncharacteristically gorgeous for a free family clinic on an island in the middle of nowhere?" he said without taking a breath, moving to lean his elbows on his desk, a sparkle of mischief in his blue eyes now.
"Well … you said it," she teased, he smiled.
"You can thank my elitist parents for that," he mused. "I call it making up for all those years of pent up aggravation over my joining the army to be a surgeon – the lowly station of an army surgeon – the guts, the glory," he said wistfully. "And to think, they had 'something better in mind' for me," he sighed. "Anyway, I call it their healthy tax deduction," he laughed. "Ah, Meredith … don't get me started, I may have to drink tonight!" he cackled like the devil.
"Something tells me that would happen anyway," Meredith laughed. "And I know what you mean with regards to never living up to …," she sighed. "Whatever …," she smiled tightly, her mind on her mother now.
"I um … I know about your mother," he said directly. Her gaze met his. "Owen mentioned it, just so I'd have the full …," his voice trailed off, he cocked his head to the side, catching her eyes with his for a beat.
"Picture?" she smiled sadly. "A summation of my mental state," Meredith elaborated.
"Something like that," Peter replied. "Rough day, no?" he asked.
"Maybe," she sighed. "I'm not sure yet," she giggled. "That kinda depends on tomorrow," she smiled now, her mind landing on Derek. "The thing is, I could be a mess – someone else might be – but for me, it was kinda like par for the course ...," she smiled now.
"So, you're a glutton for punishment too?" Peter looked at her quizzically.
"No, it's the circumstances that get me, they bite me in the ass … every time," she smiled, her blood pressure rising slightly.
"At least you're surviving it – the circumstances – I mean … so is that why you're over there on Bali then … to outrun the circumstances … are you running Meredith?" he countered.
She smiled big. "You and Owen," she wagged a finger at Peter. "You're definitely friends," she laughed.
"So, you've been over this with him too, huh?" he asked, no great surprise there.
"Yes and no … no, I wasn't running. It was always a survival thing for me – and now, the thing is, here I am – with my circumstances …," she mused, thinking out loud now. "I mean, c'mon, I leave Seattle to survive … the loss of my love, only to arrive on Bali and I find out I'm pregnant with this miracle love-child … but I'm alone on an island that could fall into the ocean …," she sighed, bewilderment threatening again. "Who does that happen to?" she asked incredulously.
"You, apparently!" he exclaimed softly.
"Yeah … me. So, yeah –it was the yin and yang of it all yesterday – life and death converging over the same moments, only worlds apart …," her voice trailed off, her eyes glassy now. "The world is a very small place isn't it Peter?" she whispered reflectively, her eyes trained on the large windows now, her voice thick.
"It is Meredith," he agreed, following her gaze. "What would make you feel better?" he asked softly. She turned her attention back to him and smiled.
"Oh God, that's a loaded question!" she laughed nervously.
"Try me," he encouraged.
"Well, lets see … finishing my assignment – without any further complications or natural disasters – neither of which I have control over …," she sighed. "Hmm and … surviving tomorrow – the man I left Seattle to survive being apart from, the father of this baby is coming here, tomorrow – and all I can do is hope he wants this baby too …," she chuckled nervously, tears stinging her eyes now. She smiled through her thicker vision and smiled. "Oh Peter, you're gonna rue the day you met me!" she exclaimed.
"Next time, I'll know, just be polite and move on," he counseled himself with a wry grin. They both smiled for a beat.
"Well, I'd hate to keep you," Meredith said as she stood, feeling the need to escape. Peter stood too. "Thank you, I assume you'll be in touch if any of my labs come back with questionable results?" she asked, a hint of reservation in her voice as she spoke.
"Come back anytime, if you need anything," he offered. "It's not a long flight, although Owen swears by the midwife," he smiled and so did Meredith. "I put together a big collection of books and information for you … you can get it at the desk on your way out," he offered.
"It means a lot to me, thank you … and thanks for the chat right now, just, thank you," she said as she turned to leave.
"Hey Meredith," Peter called after her. She turned around. "Good luck tomorrow," he said softly and she knew he meant it.
***
And so now Meredith had arrived at that moment – the moment of truth – as she sat surrounded by the beauty of the gardens on that island in the middle of nowhere – she sensed Derek was near, for he had to be – in this smaller world, their world … he might be down the street, or upstairs in his own room, or walking through the lobby to come find her, to hopefully tell her everything she ever wanted and needed to hear from him.
For it was tomorrow …
Tomorrow was upon her …
Tomorrow was minutes away …
Four tomorrows had come and almost gone … and her love had almost returned to her.
Suddenly the fresh air was too much, it was stifling, she removed her sun hat, placing it on the bench next to her. She closed her eyes, allowing the aura of him to encapsulate her once more – and she became lost in the intensity of their invisible line – the pull on her heart muscle gave way – tug, tug, tug, – and suddenly Meredith didn't even need to turn around to know … he had arrived.
"If you dream of me like I dream of you."
She took a deep breath and stood now on her shaky legs – the cool blades of grass soothed her fever-pricked skin for half of a second – she breathed deeply, inhaling the salty, organic air of the blue sea before she turned around and was met with the blue ocean of his gateways!
He stunned her.
She stunned him.
He was here!
She was there!
There was no turning back.
They had returned to one another.
She smiled and so did he. He turned his head slightly and pressed his lips together. He looked worn, tired, but completely at ease. He wore a blue button shirt and a pair of jeans, his bags slung over his shoulders, while he volleyed nervously with a white envelope in his hands. She watched as he dropped his bags at his feet and stood there still – he was lost and so was she – for she had forgotten how captivating his gaze could be and in that moment, it was as if no time had passed. He stared at her intensely – so reminiscent of that night at the Prom – he dancing with Addison and she with Finn, yet already a world away … already lost in a world of their own creation … and create they would.
Meredith maintained her hold on his gaze, becoming deeper and deeper in sync with Derek. She took a step closer now, her hand brushing along her belly and as she did, his eyes darted down and away for a beat, watching her action. He stepped closer – the fishing line was cast out to sea and had no problem catching her – she stepped closer and so did he, jumbled images from that night filled her mind as she began to slowly walk toward Derek, all the while he did the same.
***
The look on his face as she came down the steps to the Prom.
Her wide eyes on Derek as she danced with Finn.
His wide eyes on her as he danced with Addison.
Already lost within that private world of theirs.
Already found again within each other.
The small spark of life that ignited deep in her core at the first touch of his lips.
Derek's heartbeat under her palm.
The velvety soft skin around his rock hard cock, his veins pulsing with need as she led him safely home.
His perfect fit within her muscles as he rocked her into bliss.
The look of torture-filled pleasure in his gateways as he found their perfect tempo.
Her heartbeat under his palm.
The euphoria of their bubble.
Skin on skin, flesh around flesh, muscles around muscles … all connected, all joined in harmony, their timing … perfect.
Blissful oblivion … their connection restored forevermore.
It meant something, what did it mean?
The seedling of their love …was harvested …
The miracle of them …happened …
The survival of them … would become their flesh and blood …
***
And suddenly he was upon her, for they weren't at the Prom anymore – but they were still in a world all their own and they had moved beyond that private world and made it public – they had transcended above all else to arrive right here, right now.
Derek came to stand in front of her – only their baby between them now – he took her hands and placed the white envelope onto her palms, Meredith glanced down. Derek rested his hands on top of hers. Fractional images stormed through her head now as she stared down at their hands – the small sliver of her heart – lay in between them now too.
My letter. My letter. My letter. Worn. Bent. Baby is fine. Cervix closed. Heart on fire. Whole. Healed. Together. Tomorrow … Today … Forever. My letter. My letter. My letter.
Meredith raised her head and stared into Derek's eyes and was met with his unwavering gaze, his once-private love for her on his sleeve now. He became blurred around the edges as thick tears collected in her eyes. She closed them, tears escaped, rolling, rolling, rolling. She opened her eyes and found him again, a small smile played along his lips, his heart still on display.
His touch …magical.
His eyes … captivating, wet like hers.
His heart … an open door.
His conscience … clear.
His all consuming love … evident.
For he had grown, she could tell … and so had she, in more than one way.
Their bubble – the energy of them – found them in no time and suddenly they really were alone – in that alternate universe thousands of miles away from where they first met and fell in love – and yet that distance did not matter, for their chain was not broken, and they were one to each other like no time had passed, this she knew without a single word spoken, for her heart was whole once again.
"I'll find my way back to you … if you'll be waiting."
"Meredith," he whispered into the wind, her name falling from his lips like drops of rain down a window – fall, fall, fall … and fall she did – for in that moment she fell deeply in love with him all over again … without looking back.
Chapter 11 – The Promise – Derek Shepherd to follow.