When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothing else
"There is something seriously wrong with a place called Condom Kingdom." I muttered as the guys of SME laughed suddenly. It didn't help that I was the only person in the group who didn't get erectile discomfort. And, excuse me, but that bothered me a little as we walked into the joint. The place even had a draw-bridge and a sperm-spewing waterfall. It was a fantasy world for anyone with a…okay you get the picture right? Because, I am pretty damn sure that my face turned several shades past the normal shade of red when we passed the 'condom tree' in the middle of the store with the…cough…main product the store exhibited on display on the leaves in all shapes and sizes. Spied picked up one of the foils under the extra large category and I almost choked. Yeah right, buddy. In your dreams maybe.
"We have everything you could possibly need. If you're having trouble with size, we have even been known to conduct hand measurements to gauge the individual product size." A sales representative suddenly said from behind us as I did the one thing I had not necessarily meant to do since walking in the door. I lost it. I mean, really lost it—laughing so hard I had to walk a small distance away to catch my breath before looking up at the guys.
"Yeah…(cough)…I think I'd be really interested…(Gasp)…in seeing that…uh…gauging size thing." I forced out between laughs as Tommy bit his lip and the guys of SME rolled their eyes at me. Spied even critically perused the 'product' and asked several legitimate questions. Okay, now I was getting uncomfortable. Imagine that. The sale rep walked off as Spied looked over at me with a small smile and a raise of his brows.
"We wouldn't be offending your virginal sensibilities, would we?" Spiederman asked on a chuckle as Kyle and Wally nodded with silent agreement. I just coughed again.
"Dude…" I began, mimicking that classic phrase of his sarcastically as I motioned toward the ceiling with exaggeration.
"There's large life-size sperm swimming toward an egg on the ceiling, and you think that my virginal senses are offended. I'm thinking more along the lines of interior design—something more feminine oriented." I commented as the guys smiled mischievously. Oh shit! They started walking toward me, and I backed up until I bumped into the front of Tom Quincy. Oh yeah, like I needed to be in that position right now, especially since I had just seen Vincent grab a couple of things off of the shelf.
"Alright, Harrison. Then give us a female opinion. Do girls like the self-warming KY lube better or the kind that imitates body moisture? And what about those flavored…" Spied began as I picked up a bag of…penis pasta…and threw it at his head. That did it! I was officially going to create some space between the guys and I. There was a personal line one didn't cross and the type of KY jelly I might prefer was definitely one of those lines. Turning, I bumped into Chris just as he was flipping closed his cell phone. Obviously, Tommy had moved away.
"The studio set us up an appointment with a company that specializes in flower arrangements down the street. I have to go, but if…hmmm….Tom here could go with you then you need to be there in about five minutes." Chris mentioned as he glanced down at his watch suddenly. And then it hit me. That's why Chris had told Tom about the wedding. It was a way to give Tom an easy out. If he wasn't interested in me, then it would give him an excuse to say no—that he was busy too, but if he was interested then…
"I'll go." Tom said suddenly—quietly as I looked up at him a moment—silently as if trying to read the thoughts he kept hidden so well on his face. Even the location we were in seemed to fade somewhat into the background as I watched him nod his head toward the door in silent invitation. I guess this was test number one right? I suddenly needed one of Tommy's cigarettes. Spied laughed as we started walking away.
"So Tom, which size do you need? We have small, medium, large, extra large, triple X…" Spied called out as the sound of foil clashed together in the silence. Tom just lifted a brow in amusement and continued to usher me toward the door.
"You don't want to know, Vincent. It might embarrass that small I'm sure you're about to buy."