Author's Notes: If I'm being completely honest, this ending is rather abrupt. This fic could've conceivably gone on for years, but I feel the jokes will get stale if I keep it going too long. I see it happen to great comedies all the time. So, I'm going to do the classy thing and end this while the material still works. I hope this final chapter is good enough for the finale. A big thank you to everyone who has read this story, reviewed it, and followed its progression. You guys are great :)
Chapter 21
Return Address
The cruise lasted for two weeks. Stanley grew accustomed to being surrounded by naked people, and he also grew accustomed to waiting on the Cassetticons hand and foot. That still didn't mean he wasn't lazy when he had a free moment. When no one was looking he would sneak away to the galley and stuff his face with as much food as he could handle.
Rumble and Frenzy enjoyed the fear they inspired in the exposed fleshies (so to speak) but when the ship finally docked and they could get back to civilization they both rejoiced! They and Stanley started walking into town immediately. Stanley didn't really want to go with them, but after a month and a half of being gone he would have no job, his apartment would be rented out to someone else since he didn't pay the rent before he left, and there was no one back home to miss him. In short, he had no options left, so he was stuck with Rumble and Frenzy.
"So where do we go now?" Frenzy asked as evening fell and the trio sat on a park bench.
"Well, first we need a base of operations," Rumble pointed out, "Hey Stanley, you know where we could set up a decent HQ to take over the world from?"
"Well...We could go to the library and check Craigslist for an apartment for rent," the hapless human suggested, "Of course I don't have any money, so we need a place that will let us wait until the end of the month to pay, and most places won't do that, so I guess we're out of luck."
"You need money?" Frenzy asked, "That part's easy. Watch."
Frenzy then hid behind some bushes and waited for someone to walk by. He saw a young woman strolling along walking her dog, and decided to make his move. Frenzy jumped out of the bushes and brandished his drills at her! The woman screamed and ran away with her little dog, but Frenzy chased her down and cornered her at the gate!
"Alright squishy, this is a stick up!" Frenzy shouted over the sound of his drills.
"What?" The woman asked; unable to hear him over the noise emanating from his weapon of choice.
"This is a- Hold on!" Frenzy shouted, and then turned off his drills before shouting in too loud of a voice "THIS IS A STICK UP!"
"Ow, I heard you!" The woman reprimanded him as she rubbed her ears.
The dog barked at Frenzy and tried to bite him, but the metal made it so the dog did no damage at all. Unfortunately, when the dog peed on Frenzy it had the desired effect.
"Ew! That stupid mutt piddled on my pede!" Frenzy snapped as the woman dug through her purse in search of her wallet, "I should seriously just kill you both and look for money someplace else!"
"No! Wait, I found it! Please just stay calm!" The woman shouted in a panicked tone of voice.
"You first," Frenzy quipped flatly as he held out his hand for the money.
The woman gave Frenzy all the money in her wallet, and the little mech left without harming her or her annoying pooch. Frenzy had often entertained the idea of owning a pet, but a dog was definitely out of the question. They just weren't smart enough for Frenzy. Now humans, they were smart, but also kind of untrustworthy. Stanley on the other hand was going to be the perfect pet when they made it to wherever they were going. He just hoped Stanley wouldn't try to run away or pee on his leg.
Frenzy made it back to the other awaiting members of their motley group and proudly showcased the money he'd stolen from the dog lady. Stanley counted it while Rumble and Frenzy held up other people to ask for directions to the library. Eventually the cassette twins made it back and told Stanley where they were going.
"That's great, but I've got bad news," Stanley said pessimistically, "We've only got $50 here. I'm not sure that's enough for a place to live."
"Oh come on, let's just try!" Frenzy exclaimed encouragingly, "Let's go look at the Craigslist and see what we can find."
"Well, I'll try, but if this doesn't work we may be spending the night in the park," Stanley replied glumly.
"That's the spirit!" Rumble smiled as he grabbed Stanley and Frenzy in either arm and dragged them away with him.
They searched for over an hour on the library's computer before they found a place that might work out for them. The ad was placed by a woman named Ernestine Bloom, and she was renting out an upstairs bedroom for $200 a month. Stanley sent her an email explaining that he and his two friends had nowhere to go and only had $50, but they would have jobs soon (he hoped) and would pay her the rest of the rent at the end of the month. She agreed, much to everyone's surprise, and the three left to see their new place.
"I still don't like it," Frenzy complained, "We have to share a room? A human-sized room? How are we all gonna fit?"
"We'll only use the room to recharge," Rumble explained patiently, "And when you and me recharge we're only a few inches across. Cassette mode. Remember?"
"Hey, there's the house!" Frenzy shouted as he pointed to a cute little two story house near the center of town, "Hey Stanley, take my stuff up to the room, would you?"
Frenzy then pulled out several items from his subspace and handed them to Stanley. Rumble decided he liked the idea, and he pulled out stuff to give to Stanley as well. The poor man had an armful of odd items that were teetering back and forth and threatening to collapse over him!
"Hey, if you guys can pull this stuff in and out of thin air, then why do I have to carry it for you?" Stanley whined.
"Because you're our slave," Rumble said as if that explained everything, "You gotta do somethin' useful if you're gonna live with us."
"I hate you guys so much," Stanley muttered quietly so they wouldn't hear him as he walked to the door with the assortment of random junk.
Rumble knocked on the door, and then Frenzy knocked on the door as well so he wouldn't be left out. Stanley stood there groaning with the armload of stuff and tried not to look like a bum. Sadly, between the long beard, tattered sweaty clothes, and holding a bunch of junk in his arms, he wasn't really pulling off the I'm-not-a-bum look too well.
An older black woman in a pink bathrobe and fuzzy pink slippers came to the door, and when she saw the two minicons and their smelly bellboy she couldn't help but raise an eyebrow in skepticism and curiosity.
"Greetings, human," Frenzy said in what he hoped was a friendly voice, "We're here about the room. Stanley emailed you earlier."
"Is this one of those YouTube pranks?" The woman asked them derisively, "Because I don't get it."
"No ma'am," Stanley grunted as he gently set the stuff down on the concrete walkway and smiled at the lady, "Are you Ernestine Bloom?"
"Yes," Ernestine replied, "Are you ZZ Top?"
"Um, I'm pretty sure that was the name of a band, not a person," Stanley simpered as he realized just how ridiculous he and his 'masters' looked, "Um, that's beside the point. I'm the one that said we only have $50, but we're gonna get jobs so you don't have to worry about the rest of the rent. I know this is a bit of an imposition, but we don't have anywhere else to go."
"Why don't you get Scotty to beam you back up to the Death Star?" Ernestine deadpanned.
"Okay, so much of that sentence was wrong," Stanley replied indignantly, but then remembered where he was and said, "I'm sorry, Ms. Bloom. It's been a rough couple weeks."
"More like a rough couple years for us," Rumble groused, "The only good thing about your planet is I don't have to fly to reach the top shelf no matter where I am."
"So, where do we put our stuff?" Frenzy asked presumptuously.
Ernestine just looked at them for a few awkward moments. If these two were just a couple of teenagers in costumes, then she was probably renting out to a group of sci-fi nuts. If they were real Decepticons, then she was harboring alien invaders. Either way it didn't sound too appealing. At the same time though, she felt a little sorry for them, especially the scruffy guy that looked like he hadn't showered in a year.
*sigh* "Come on in," Ernestine finally relented as she cleared the doorway for them to enter her home.
The trio rushed past her and into the living room, which was immaculately clean. Well, it had been, until they tracked their giant footprints on her carpet and on her stairs. Ernestine quickly walked up the stairs to catch up to the pair of Cassetticons while Stanley went into the kitchen.
When she got up there she saw that they had already found the attic bedroom she was renting out to them. Frenzy was shoving his CDs and music cassettes into the nightstand and Rumble was pressing down on the bed with his aft to test it for bounciness.
"This berth feels like a cruise ship we were just on," Rumble commented, "It moves like an ocean current. I call dibs!"
"Hey, you can't call the only berth!" Frenzy replied heatedly, "I'm rechargin' there too!"
"No way, get your own!" Rumble replied with a slag-eating grin.
Ernestine could only watch as the pair devolved into a fistfight over custody of the bed. She sighed, realizing she had lost all control of the situation, and went back downstairs to see what the bearded man was up to.
She found Stanley in front of her open fridge. His arms were full as he held a jar of pickles, a jar of mayonnaise, a jar of jam, a loaf of bread, and a casserole dish full of her homemade potato salad. He also had a sub sandwich stuffed in his mouth.
"What in blue blazes do you think you're doing?" Ernestine shouted crossly.
"I ws j'ss g'n sm'fn t eat," Stanley replied in a muffled voice; his mouth still holding the big sandwich.
"Get outta my fridge!" Ernestine snapped as she pointed to the living room, "Look, I have a mini fridge I can plug in upstairs, but you need to get your own food, and pay your rent by the end of the week. Also, you might want to invest in another mattress. Your robot friends don't seem too interested in sharing."
"Did they break anything?" Stanley asked as soon as he set the food on the table.
"No, not yet," Ernestine replied, "But keep them in line. I'm not running a fight club up in here."
"Um, that might be difficult Ms. Bloom," Stanley replied sheepishly.
"Oh? And why is that?" Ernestine asked skeptically.
"Because I'm, uh...How do I put this in a way that doesn't make me look like a total wuss?" Stanley asked both her and himself, "...I'm their servant."
"Oh?" Ernestine asked as she cocked an eyebrow, "They rich?"
"No, just capable of killing me," Stanley replied defeatedly, "Seriously, do you watch the news? The Decepticons are evil. They don't care who they hurt. Besides, it's still a better gig than my last job. I used to work for Comcast."
"Just get outta my fridge," Ernestine repeated in a flat tone of voice.
Stanley groaned like a kid that didn't get to go on the roller coaster, and then walked upstairs to see if he could deal with his masters. So far this Decepticon slave gig was humiliating and tiresome, but somehow not as humiliating and tiresome as the time Stanley worked for KFC/Taco Bell.
Later that day the trio found themselves back at the library. They had a place to live, but now they needed jobs. It was back to Craigslist for them, and they hoped no one noticed that two of the library's patrons were Decepticons.
"Hey guys, I think I found somethin'!" Rumble exclaimed, only to be shushed by the librarian.
"Is it a job shushin' people? Because I'm pretty sure we could do that," Frenzy asked sarcastically as he glared at the librarian.
"No, listen!" Rumble exclaimed, and then he read, "Photographer seeks enthusiastic young model for private sessions. Must be cute, young, perky, and willin' to follow orders. Doesn't that sound exactly like me?"
"Check the bottom, Rumble," Frenzy pointed to the bottom of the ad.
"Hm...Must be between the ages of 20 and 26," Rumble read off, "Seriously? That's age discrimination! Just because I'm 6 million years old doesn't mean I'm not perky!"
"Shh!" The librarian hissed again.
"It's probably for the best, dude," Stanley whispered, "You're in the personals section. We want jobs."
"Oh…" Rumble replied; embarrassed.
For the rest of the evening the three searched for job listings. They couldn't find anything any of them were qualified for. Rumble and Frenzy had no resumes, and Stanley had already been fired from most of those companies. When the library closed they were no closer to employment than they had been before.
That night Rumble, Frenzy, and Stanley snuck into the house since Ernestine was asleep at this hour. Stanley was afraid they were going to wake up the old lady once they got upstairs because Rumble and Frenzy continued to fight over the bed. Eventually they figured out a queen size bed was big enough to hold two small cassette tapes. They still made Stanley sleep on the floor.
They had all drifted off to sleep when suddenly something shook the entire house! It felt like an earthquake, but after a moment Rumble and Frenzy figured out it wasn't. They looked out the window, and smiled with relief and joy.
"What are you two doing?" Stanley shouted from the door facing, "There's an earthquake!"
"What the?" They heard Ernestine shouting from the front door.
"Uh-oh," Rumble and Frenzy said in unison.
The two cassettes ran past Stanley and toward the front door where the old lady was, and Stanley in his curiosity followed them. Whatever made them that happy couldn't be good…
When Rumble, Frenzy, and Stanley made it outside Ernestine was standing on her walkway glaring up at the huge mech that was standing in her yard. She was yelling like nobody's business, and Stanley just knew she was going to get squished.
"I can't believe this!" Ernestine screamed indignantly, "Look at that! Your stupid giant foot is digging a hole the size of New Hampshire in my yard! My lawn is ruined! What do you have to say for yourself you overgrown toaster oven!?"
The mech paid her no attention. His red visor stared down at Rumble and Frenzy, and the silent and controlled manner of this mech sent shivers down Stanley's spine. Once his vision came back to him in the dark however, he knew exactly who this mech was. He was in the news too much for Stanley not to know.
"Soundwave!" Rumble and Frenzy cheered in unison.
Soundwave bent down, and Ernestine upon realizing she had just been dressing down a Decepticon the size of a redwood decided to run back into the house. She just hoped he didn't decided to tear her house down for yelling at him.
"Rumble, Frenzy: explain," Soundwave ordered, though his tone sounded softer than they would've expected after being gone for so long.
"We're sorry Soundwave!" Frenzy cried out as he held up his arms, "We shouldn't have left! It was all Rumble's idea! We're sorry!"
"Hey, what do you mean it was all my idea?" Rumble asked sorely, "You came, too!"
"Please take us back, Soundwave!" Frenzy continued; ignoring Rumble, "We'll be good and never run away again!"
"Oh, before we forget, we got you somethin'!" Rumble announced happily as he ran over to Stanley, grabbed him by the arm, and dragged him closer so Soundwave could see him, "We got you a slave! He's already trained and everythin'!"
Stanley gulped as he looked at the imposing mech. Being in servitude to a couple of punks like Rumble and Frenzy might've been annoying, but it didn't seem nearly as dangerous as being a slave to one of Megatron's most trusted soldiers.
Soundwave stared at Stanley for a moment, and then said "You gift is acceptable. Rumble, Frenzy: return."
Rumble and Frenzy smiled from audial to audial and were overjoyed when Soundwave opened his tape deck for them. They were finally going back to the Decepticons, and they were never going to try to take over a planet by themselves again.
They got situated in their assigned slots, and saw the familiar forms of Ravage in cassettes mode, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, and Ratbat. Their celebration was cut short though when they noticed a new tape in the deck. This one was blue, green, and white. They stared at it for a few seconds in confusion, until it said in multiple voices "Hi Rumble! Hi Frenzy!"
"Is that...Reflector?" Frenzy asked in shock.
"Yeah, it's us," the cassette replied, "Megatron's orders."
Yep, a lot had changed since the Cassetticon duo had been gone. Now they were returning to Soundwave with a human slave and a gestalt cassette for a roommate. Oh well, at least they could finally return to a place they wanted to call home.
The End