I couldn't sit still for a second throughout the whole, agonizingly long plane journey. Several times, one or other of the flight attendants would ask me whether I was all right as I jittered up and down in my seat, unable to keep still for a second, eyes flitting from focussed to unfocussed as I scanned the future for any sign of what I might find in Forks – but there was none. Everything, aside from the blank nothingness that was Bella's future, was as blurred and uncertain as ever.
A few flashes of Jasper had appeared, face sick with pain and voice cracked and shaking, explaining to our friends and family what had happened, what I'd seen – and what I'd gone to do.
Hours later, as the flight finally, finally came in to land, and the flight attendant's voice sang out through the plane for everyone to please fasten their seatbelts – I thought, for the first time since the terrible vision, of Edward.
Oh Edward.
He had to know. Edward had to be told. We had to tell him. Sometime, somehow, someday…we had to tell him – or he would find it out for himself. Edward had to know...
…how were any of us ever going to be able to break it to him…?
I don't know what I expected to find when I reached Forks.
Maybe that something had…well…changed. That it would feel different, somehow – a stranger's town, our home no longer – but it didn't. The paint-cracked broken sign 'Welcomed me to Forks' just the same as always as I passed it on my way to Bella's house, bag by my feet, hands on the glossy steering wheel of Carlisle's Mercedes. Nothing…nothing had changed. And in an odd way…it felt good. This place still held so many happy memories. The happiest of my life with my family. It felt good. Right.
It felt like home.
The dry, aching twinge in my throat was starting to bother me a lot, though. It'd been much too long since I'd hunted. I'd considered running the rest of the journey to Bella's house from the airport. It would be safer; for me and any unsuspecting humans that might cross my path – but in the end, the ever-increasing desperation to reach my destination quickly overpowered the growing, burning ache in my throat.
But as I continued my journey through Forks, driving well over the speed limit with the darkening woods on either side of the road flying past me in a mad blur…I started to consider for the first time what exactly I would find when I reached the Swan home. Charlie, crying on the couch? Suspicious old Billy Black comforting him? Angela, Mike, Jessica and the others, all crowded round to find out the news, found out what was going on, where Bella was, what had happened, when she was coming back, why she wasn't anywhere to be found…
I clamped my teeth over my trembling lower lip, struggling against sobs. Bella. Bella. Oh why, why, why had she done it, why had she jumped, why had she done it all with such a willing, deliberate, happy manner…?
Why had she killed herself?
The sob that escaped my lips before I could stop it was choked and broken – because I knew the answer. I'd known right from the beginning; known she wouldn't be able to cope, known that Bella Swan had loved my brother like Carlisle loved Esme, like Emmett loved Rosalie…like I loved Jasper.
The thought of anything, anything separating me from my husband, reserved and icy-voiced as he was in my most recent memory now, was unbearable. I couldn't begin to imagine the insanity that would certainly follow if he ever even thought to do what Edward had done to her, made her think she wasn't good enough for him, made her realise it had all been a pretence, that he was leaving and never, never coming back…
I couldn't think it. I couldn't even begin to imagine.
But my best friend had suffered just that. Suffered through it all.
Now I thought about it…now I swapped the two of us round, put myself in Bella's place, and Jasper in Edward's…was it really such a surprise to me that she had done what she'd done?
How she'd managed to survive even this long without him was beyond me…but then, perhaps she done it for Charlie. Renee, too. Maybe her friends at school? Had she thought Edward was coming back, truly that one day that he would return?
I had no way of knowing. Now, no way of ever knowing. Because Bella…
…Bella was dead.
I covered my mouth to stem the flow of suddenly ravaging sobs that were now shaking from my body. Bella Swan…what had my best friend, so kind and caring and selfless in every way, ever done to deserve what my stupid, hopeless, desperate brother had done to her? Poor helpless, human Bella…
Maybe Edward, in a way, had been right. Maybe she had been better off without us. Maybe if a psychic vampire hadn't had the visions of perfect weather conditions in a small town named Forks, and she hadn't encouraged her family of vampires to move there without a second thought…maybe Bella Swan would still be happily living her blissful, safe, human life today. Maybe she wouldn't be dead. And maybe it wouldn't be all our fault…
Or even…mine…?
Already, I could hear Jasper's voice in my head as I stopped the car and slipped quietly out of it's cool, clean interior to cross the road towards Charlie Swan's small white house. I could see my husband taking me in his arms, that furious, protective glow in his amber eyes, see him curling his body round mine in comfort, hear his voice hissing out furious, defiant words…
"Never, Alice, never must you think that. Never must you blame yourself. It's only natural that people feel the need to take the blame for another's death – especially if they were close to that person, but Alice…Alice, you must never, never take any of this on yourself. If…if it's anyone's…if it's anyone's fault then it's the weak, uncontrollable monster who's ruled by his thirsty instincts day and night no matter how hard he tries to restrain them, sitting here comforting you…"
And I smiled, in spite of myself, through my quiet crying, as I stepped over the road and through the gate into the Swan residence, at how unjust, how hideously unfair it was that I should still have such a selfless, perfect husband, while my once-sister-to-be rotted away in Forks cemetery…
I tried hard to stop my blubbering as I darted down the garden path and up to the front door of the house, even though the future was clear; Charlie wasn't home. Where he had gone exactly, though, was still oddly distorted, fuzzy, blanked…but I reached out for the door handle, and pressed it downwards without a moment's thought.
To my surprise, the unlocked door swung open to reveal the inside of a house that hadn't changed one bit in the last half of a year.
Still trying to stem my flow of dry-tears, I stepped inside and let the door swing shut behind me. The room was plunged into darkness.
I reached out an automatic hand to switch on the light, knowing exactly where to find it, just as if I'd been here yesterday, maybe on a visit with Edward to see my friend, or just returned from a shopping trip with her…
We were going to have so much fun together…
The light flooded the room, and I drifted forward like a zombie, walking through to the kitchen where dirty plates piled the sink and two mugs sat cold and empty on the wooden table. I moved through the little living room, briefly glancing over the rather ragged looking sofa and the TV sitting silently on standby, before turning to step up the stairs to the first floor.
I left Charlie's room, but glanced in on the bathroom, unable to resist a squint at Bella's make-up and other human beauty supplies – but there were none. A hairbrush and small tube of face cream had Bella's scent hanging faintly around them, but the rest were Charlie's. Bella obviously either hadn't had time – or hadn't cared – about what she'd looked during the past months…
New visions were playing at the edges of my sight, but I ignored them, moving out of the bathroom to the final room of the upstairs – Bella's bedroom.
The room was an eerie mixture of old and new. It was still her bedroom – still it had her desk, her bed with the purple coverings, her neat little laptop and chair…but it felt and looked all wrong. Her CD's were all gone; a large bare patch lying on a shelf where they had once been. Several other objects were missing; random spots of nothing dotted around the dark room over surfaces and shelves. On opening the wardrobe, I saw her sparse items of clothing folded in unnaturally neat, dull-coloured piles on top of each other – like Bella had spent hours creasing each edge, her hands searching for something, anything to do, just to keep them moving…just to keep them alive. The bed was neat, mechanically made, but as I moved to brush a finger over the edge of her desk, I saw it was encrusted with a thick layer of dust.
Whether this had been in its a normal state, or Bella had just been about to clean didn't matter…it didn't change how the room felt. Empty. Bare. Cold. Like the feeling, the emotion, the happy memories, had all been wiped away. Like they'd vanished forever, along with the person who'd made them and kept them going…
Like someone had died.
My sobs were gone now. I stood still in the centre of Bella's grave-like bedroom, blank with the horrible feeling of the room, colder than I'd felt in months, trying to get my brain and thoughts to start working again so I could decide what to do next – even to wonder where Charlie was, and everyone else…
After several minute of still standing and thinking, I blinked slowly – and woke from my stupor. I turned round and walked as quickly as I could out of the room, shutting it firmly behind me, and made my way downstairs once more, turning off the lights as I went.
I went to the kitchen, leaving the light of this room on, and flopped down on a chair. I sank my head into my arms.
What was I doing here…?
The question reverberated round and round my head, over and over…and I thought of Jasper.
Jazz…Jazz, what am I doing here? Why did I even consider coming…?
He'd been right, I realised with an aching pang of regret. He'd been right. There was nothing here. Nothing for me to do, nothing to help with, no one, nothing. What was me being here going to do for anyone? Bring back unwanted memories? Upset, or even anger Charlie?
Charlie…
Where was Charlie?
My eyes fell on the pile of dirty dishes, and the two unwashed mugs. Automatic instincts welled. I got up from my seat, grabbed the two mugs, reached for the stack of plates lying beside the draining board, and began to run the water to fill the sink.
Where were Charlie and the others? Where was…everyone…?
I flipped through different friends Bella had had at her school in my mind, and decided on Angela. I closed my eyes as I emptied washing up liquid into the water and began to scrub the inside of a mug with a brush…
Angela, sitting at her desk in a small, pale blue-walled bedroom, reading Huckleberry Finn and jotting down notes on a stack of paper held by a ring binder…her Mum calling her…"dinner's ready, sweetie!"…Angela munching down supper…more sheets of homework…
I frowned as the visions blurred and faded. So Angela didn't know what had happened…not yet at least. But maybe Jessica, always so ready with gossip and news…?
Jessica and Mike, eating burgers and chips at a diner, arguing playfully over what dessert to order, paying the bill…Mike driving her home…both finishing various Calculus papers…
So they don't know either, I thought, as I piled the sparklingly clean dishes onto the draining board. Odd…
Charlie. Charlie would know, for sure – Bella must have been missing for a good several hours, and he'd always been so protective of her. And Charlie liked me, I thought with a strained half-smile. He'd be willing to talk, at least just a little.
I placed the final mug upside down on the side, dumped the rubber gloves over the sink and turned to sink down again at the kitchen table, closing my eyes and drifting this time into Charlie's future.
The chair I'd been drawing out to sit down on fell to the floor with a crash.
Blank.
Blocked.
Blank.
Nothing…
…oh no, not Charlie too, please, not Charlie too…!
…no…no, Charlie was there, not quite as blank as Bella had been, flickering in and out of focus, blank and then visible, blank, blocked, then there again, his far off future clear and bright, but his immediate…
…blank…
…blocked…
…blank…
I grasped around blindly for the chair, finding it and setting it straight again, then stumbling out of the kitchen door, the future blurring my vision and making my head spin…argh…
…blank…then there again…blank…and sharp…Charlie…Bella…
Bella…
BELLA…
…but how…?
...impossible…
…and yet…
There she was.
In a flickering, changing, shifting, unsure vision in the not too distant future…
…Bella stepping through the front door, catapulting into my arms…
I gasped in shock, stumbling over to the stairs and sinking down, one hand against my head as the visions tumbled over one another, none of them fixed because the decisions weren't yet made, I couldn't see, couldn't see…
…and then I heard, and this was present, not future…a car drawing up outside…
But then…
…another possible future…Bella didn't tumble through the door of her house…staying blank and blocked…the future shifting again as decisions wavered…
...voices, from the car, and I stumbled upwards again, grasping for the light switch to turn it off and avoid suspicion just in case…
…wouldn't get out of the…the…car, I supposed…wouldn't come through the door…Bella…
…and ugh, my head ached, and I couldn't see, couldn't see…
…a low, husky voice talking from outside, from what must be the car…'sorry…know you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bells'…
Bells…
…and then through the visions, and sweeping black the hallway was now plunged in…
…not one heartbeat…but two heartbeats…and I recognized…
It couldn't be. Couldn't be…but Bella's future slowly, oh so slowly, began to fade again, began to be covered with the blank blanket of nothing, of blocking…
And then the future changed so suddenly I almost toppled over backwards from the full force of it.
"OH! Holy crap!"
I staggered back against the wall of the hallway, one hand still pressed to my temple, but the voice that came next, the one that matched that familiar heartbeat, and oh help, what was going on…?
"What's wrong?"
Bella…
An engine sputtered into life, and the husky voice spat out one word.
"Vampire."
I froze.
Then very, very slowly, as both the husky and the impossible Bella-voice threw fast, urgent words at each other, I pushed myself as calmly as I could away from the wall, and stood facing the door in the pitch black. My thoughts wouldn't make sense, my brain jammed to a halt, but the visions, on the other hand…
"Stop! Stop!"
Bella…
"What?"
Husky growler…I didn't like the sound of him, whoever he was…
"…Carlisle's car! It's the Cullens, I know it!"
My unbeating heart plummeted. And the future…
Bella half falling through the door…
"…no danger…"
…crashing into me…gasping, sobbing…
"Yeah…calm…"
…"Alice, oh Alice!"…
…but how…how…how…?
"…not a trick, it's Carlisle, take me back!"
But she wasn't…
"…we can't be caught…"
"Jake, it's not a war -!"
Hurried voices, then the sound of a car door opening, someone climbing out…
"Bye Bells."
The words were spat, acidic and bitter, and my fists clenched automatically at the sound…
"I really hope you don't die."
Then the car engine was restarted yet again, and as one heartbeat ran off into the woods, the other drove the car back towards Charlie's house.
I had no time to think. I simply stood, blank with so many half-formed plans and thoughts and emotions I couldn't get my brain to stand still, head aching from the visions, a frozen white form in front of the inside of Bella's front door…
The car stopped. And someone…Bella…Bella…got out. Steps moved from the road up towards the house, up the porch steps, the heartbeat thumping louder, the scent stronger, and my mouth watered with venom for a second as my thirst got the better of me...
Then the door opened. And someone…something…or just maybe, possibly, impossibly Bella…stepped inside.