Who He Wants To Be
By Gracefultree
Chapter 21: Working Things Through
Posted: November 19, 2014
A/N: Thank you everyone for the reassurances! I was worried people would abandon my story because Ianto was being an idiot... I'm glad you're not. And now, back to our regularly-scheduled chapter. Enjoy!
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"Please come see me tomorrow," Ianto begged. "Please. We need to talk in person," he added. "I miss you. I'm sorry." There was no response from James's voicemail. Not that he'd expected any. "I'm sorry," Ianto said again. He closed his phone.
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The flat had never been more clean.
Ianto had never felt more alone.
Gary and Steve had been avoiding him all week. Neither had voiced even an ounce of sympathy when Lisa cancelled their movie date the weekend before at the last minute because her mother fell and needed Lisa's help. Neither of them had mentioned James, either, until this afternoon. They'd both vacated the flat around noon, telling Ianto tersely that if James did decide to show up, they weren't going to be around for the shit show. Nor would they console him when James dumped him in spectacular fashion as befitting Ianto's callous and unfeeling treatment of the man.
James hadn't answered Ianto's calls all week. Nor had he responded to the many texts Ianto sent. Ianto spent the week feeling lost, scared and anxious. He still wasn't quite sure what he'd done, but he knew he'd fucked up. He knew that he'd be very lucky if James forgave him.
Ianto thought back to a conversation he had with Billy over beer and chips Wednesday, since he didn't even try to go to trivia night. He knew the guys wouldn't welcome him there.
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"You ever had a fuck buddy?" Ianto asked cautiously.
Billy glanced over sharply. "Sure. Are you in the market for one? 'Cause I'd —"
Ianto felt as if his eyes must look comically wide in his surprise.
"I'm bi," Billy explained. "What, you didn't know?"
"No, I never thought about it," Ianto answered. He picked at his beer mat.
"I've been flirting with you ever since we met!"
"Really?"
Billy rolled his eyes. "And you've been flirting back. Not as much as I've seen you flirt with Lisa, but you've done it."
"Oh. My roommate's gay. I see him flirting with guys all the time. I guess I just thought it was normal. Sorry. I don't mean to lead you on, or anything. I'm not interested."
Billy smiled and patted Ianto's shoulder companionably. "I know. Just thought I'd offer on the off chance I was reading you wrong and you were interested." He took a gulp of his beer. "What do you want to know about fuck buddies?"
"It's a casual thing, right? Like, you can start dating someone when you have a fuck buddy already, to see if things work with the person you're dating? You know, before it gets serious, when you're still dating around, or whatever, and haven't decided to be exclusive."
Billy pursed his lips. "That's a tricky question. Some people are ok with that, sure, but to some, even though there's no relationship in the traditional, dating sense, being someone's fuck buddy is important. Like, not everyone is ok with their fuck buddy having sex with other people. They would expect a conversation about it, an agreement before things changed."
"How do you know if they're ok with it or not?"
"You ask. You talk about it."
"Oh."
"How much trouble are you in?" Billy asked astutely after a minute of tense silence.
Ianto frowned at his empty pint glass. "A shitload." He sighed sadly.
"You've got someone already? That's not Lisa?"
"Kind of." Ianto glanced over, seeing an open expression on Billy's face. "It's casual. But now that Lisa's in the picture, everything's changing, and it feels really bad, and I don't know what to do. I didn't mention that I was seeing Lisa for a few weeks, and…" He trailed off, not sure what to say. "I think I should've said that I was interested in her right from the start, but I didn't… and now everything's broken…"
"You want some advice?" Ianto looked over again and nodded. "Apologize and talk it out. If you've never talked about it, and got yourself in hot water, bite the bullet and have the conversation. You might be surprised at how things turn out."
"Really? You think?"
"This person is important to you, right?"
"Very. But we haven't spoken all week. We usually talk every day. Or text, at the very least."
"I'm gonna bet that you're important to this person, too, then," Billy said rather more decisively than Ianto expected. "Is it the kind of thing where you see each other at some regular time? Or is it more casual than that?"
"We try to see each other on Saturdays. But I fucked it up by cancelling last week without notice. I had a date with Lisa, and I was so nervous about having to cancel that I waited too long, and we haven't spoken since. Plus, Lisa cancelled on me, so I spent the day completely alone. My roommates won't even talk to me, they're so upset about how I handled things."
"How long have you —?"
"It was four months yesterday," Ianto muttered. "Longer than I've known Lisa. We met before I started working at Torchwood."
"Are you sure it's just casual?" Billy wondered.
"Of course! Why does everyone keep asking that?"
"If it's been that long…"
"I dated people longer than that in Secondary," Ianto declared. "I think I'd know if it was more than casual."
Billy held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "No judgement here, remember? My best advise is still to talk it out. Figure out what you're doing, what you're both comfortable with. Could be that all you need to say is that, yes, it's an open relationship. But you need to say it, spell it out. Your person could be fine with that, once you've talked about it."
"I can try," Ianto said dejectedly. "I doubt it'll work." He shoved a cold chip in his mouth and frowned, chewing halfheartedly.
"At least you'll have tried," Billy said. "That counts for a lot, in these kinds of situations." He paused. "Women are complicated. So are men, for that matter, more than we give ourselves credit for, a lot of the time, and certainly more than women think we are. Have the conversation and see where it goes. Does Lisa —"
"I want to know if this is over before I talk to her about it. I've known Ja— this person a lot longer than I've known her. It's only fair to figure this out first, isn't it?"
"I suppose so. Just… another word of advise: Don't just fuck the problem away. Actually talk."
"Easier said than done," Ianto murmured, feeling deja vu as he remembered saying the exact same thing to Gary and Steve when he was about to call James for the first time. He sighed miserably and ordered another pint.
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The ringing of the doorbell pulled Ianto from his thoughts. A single ring, it wasn't James's usual quick three-two-three burst, but it was definitely the bell outside the door to the flat, rather than the intercom from the street to be let into the building. He jerked into a sitting position, his heart pounding in his chest. Was it James? Please, please let it be James, he prayed. He'd given James the code for the building ages ago, so all he had to do was come up and ring the bell. Or knock, but that wasn't James's style. Then again, a single ring wasn't his style, either. Ianto took a deep breath to try to calm his nerves, wiped his sweaty palms against his jeans, and opened the door.
"James," he whispered, his voice full of relief. "You came."
James smiled hesitantly. "Yeah." They stood in silence for a few minutes, the space between them getting more and more tense. "Can I come in?"
"Sure. Sure. We've got the place to ourselves. Steve and Gary went out."
James snorted. "I know. Gary called me. He told me I was being a dick and to get my arse up here to talk to you."
"He told me I was an idiot," Ianto offered. "Then he called me an asshole."
James stepped into the flat and took off his coat. Ianto hung it on the usual peg and watched James untie his boots and place them on their mat, next to Ianto's trainers.
"Do you want a coffee?" Ianto asked.
"Thanks," James said, and followed him to the kitchen, where he settled into one of the chairs at the table. Ianto looked at him from the corner of his eyes while he made coffee. James hadn't brought anything with him. Not flowers, not an overnight bag, nothing. His heart sank. James wasn't expecting to stay. Nor did he think he had anything to apologize for, as evidenced by the lack of flowers. He looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes, though they weren't as bad as the ones under Ianto's own eyes, which were bloodshot from all the crying he'd been doing. He finished the coffee and placed two mugs on the table. They sat in silence as they sipped their coffee.
"I should've —"
"I shouldn't have —"
They both broke off when they started talking at the same time. James motioned for Ianto to start, as usual. He sighed. He should've expected James to want him to talk first. He caused the fight, after all, didn't he? Therefor, it was his responsibility to try to fix things.
"I should've talked to you sooner. I'm sorry. I just feel so overwhelmed and lost. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry."
"I shouldn't have gotten so angry," James answered. "I know we'd never talked about it explicitly. I guess I thought we were on the same page about some things, and we weren't. I'm sorry, too."
"Where did you think we were?" Ianto asked.
"I thought we'd talk before either of us went on a date with someone else. I didn't even know you liked anyone! We're supposed to be friends and I had no idea. It felt like a slap in the face."
"We are friends," Ianto rushed to say. "You're my best friend. My closest friend."
"Then why didn't I know you liked this girl?"
"No one knew! And I didn't want to tell you," Ianto admitted. "I thought you'd be angry."
"Why would I be angry that you like someone?"
"I thought you'd be jealous."
James sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. "Do I have something to be jealous about?"
"No!" Ianto exclaimed. "Maybe. I don't know! It's so new, me liking her…"
"Goddess, Ianto," James breathed, closing his eyes for a minute to get his thoughts in order. He seemed to choose and discard several things before he spoke again. "I thought we'd go over what we were comfortable with before either of us decided to be with anyone else."
"I don't — I'm not — I — Like what?" Ianto finished lamely, unable to form a complete sentence. James took pity on him and answered.
"Like using condoms. Like whether or not we talk to the other person about what we're doing with each other. Like checking in with each other." Ianto lowered his gaze. "I'm not upset you went on a date with her," James said. "I'm upset you sprung it on me like you did. That you waited until the last possible second to tell me." He paused. "I am upset."
"I know. I'm so, so sorry!"
James reached out and ruffled Ianto's hair, the first physical contact between them, since James had been careful to keep their fingers from touching when he handed Ianto his coat. "Hey, try to relax, ok? This isn't the end. We just have to have some difficult conversations."
"Can I hug you?" Ianto asked in a whisper. He looked up to see that James was fighting tears, just like he was.
"That might be a good idea," James answered, standing. Ianto rose and wrapped his arms around James's middle, leaning against him. He felt James's arms around him, holding him tightly. He inhaled James's unique scent and felt a calmness radiate through his body. After what seemed like a very long time, James sighed softly. He stepped back, not far enough that they lost contact, and took Ianto's cheeks in his hands. Ianto felt his hands tingling where they rested on James's hips, even with trousers and pants between his fingers and skin. He closed his eyes. The brush of James's lips against his own startled him, though a small part had been hoping for it. A gentle kiss, it was sad, too, filling Ianto with longing for what he'd broken between them.
"Do you hate me now?" he asked, turning his head away so he wouldn't see James's expression if he answered in the affirmative.
"I'm angry. I'm hurt, and sad and disappointed. That doesn't mean I hate you," James said. "Come, sit."
"I don't know what to say," Ianto admitted, happy that James wrapped an arm around him so they could cuddle together on the sofa. "I know I fucked up. I know part of how. But I don't know it all, and Gary tried to explain it, and I know I'm not getting it, and I'm scared you're never going to see me again."
"I'm here now, aren't I?"
"I hate not understanding!"
"What have you figured out?" James asked gently.
"You're upset I waited until the last minute to call, but I think you're more upset I didn't tell you about Lisa."
"That's three-quarters of it. The rest is that —" James stopped abruptly. He frowned to himself. "The rest is —"
"What?"
James ran his fingers through his hair. He blew a puff of air out of his mouth in frustration. He looked over at Ianto. "You send mixed messages."
"Huh?"
"I just can't read you anymore. I don't know what's going to set you off. I don't know what you'll allow, or approve of, or get angry about. I don't know what's going to make you anxious." James let go of Ianto and got up to start pacing. "You call us fuck buddies and don't want anyone to know, and yet everyone knows! I met your family!"
"You made that happen!" Ianto protested.
"Your sister made that happen," James countered. "She offered to let me stay the night, you know. She said that she and Johnny wouldn't mind."
"What?" Ianto shouted, jumping to his feet. "Why didn't you tell me? How did she find out? Did you tell her about us? What did you —"
"I didn't tell her anything," James shouted back. "I told her it wasn't like that. It's not my fault she didn't believe me."
"But why would she — And she didn't say anything to me…"
"I asked her not to because I thought it would upset you to know she knew."
"It does upset me! What does she think we do?"
"I'm pretty sure she knows we share a bed," James barked. "And she's old enough to know what that implies."
"And you didn't tell her she was wrong?"
"She's not wrong! We do share a bed!" James growled. "I put stars on your bloody ceiling, Ianto."
"But that's not —"
"I'll be clear, ok? Crystal clear so you don't have to wonder anymore. I like you. I like you a lot, and if you ever wanted to date me, I'd do it in a flash, because I'd be proud to have you as a boyfriend."
"I'm not— I'm not ready to have a boyfriend," Ianto whispered. "It's not that I don't like you…"
James rolled his eyes. "You think I don't know that? I don't need you to date me. I don't need to be your boyfriend. Wants and needs are different things, remember?"
"Well, I —" Ianto froze. "I — "
"I'm not leaving you," James declared firmly. "I'm not leaving, but if you want this thing between us to continue, we need to make up some new rules, because what we have isn't working. We need to be honest with each other." He waited, but Ianto remained silent. "This is our second fight in three weeks," James said. "And it hasn't been sunshine and roses for me, either."
"I know. And I know it's my fault. The last one was my fault, too. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say."
"Shall I start? Rule One: If you get to fuck other people, so do I."
"Of course." Ianto paused. "I haven't, though."
"Neither have I. But that's not the point. If there's a possibility you're going to do it, I should have that same option. Rule Two: We tell each other before we do it."
"Ok."
"Are you going to sleep with her?"
"I don't know yet. Maybe."
James sighed. "Fair enough, I suppose. Rule Three: We tell the other person, before we have sex with them, that it's not exclusive." He held up his hand to prevent Ianto protesting. "I don't expect you to tell them about me specifically, just that there's no expectation of monogamy unless we talk it out."
"But, that would mean…"
"I will not be your dirty secret," James snarled. "I've been down that road before, and it's not pretty."
"I wouldn't ask you to be," Ianto said in a choked voice.
"No? Think about how you treat our relationship. You already treat me like that half the time."
"No, I don't! You just said it. Everyone knows! Even my sister, you said. Besides, it's not a 'relationship.' It's just sex."
"Sex is a relationship!" James roared at the top of his lungs. Ianto stared at him, tears running down his cheeks in messy rivulets. He'd never seen James so angry, not even when he confronted Steve. "And that's the point, Ianto! You called going on a date with her a 'real' date. Is going out with me nothing? Am I nothing to you? Don't my feelings matter even a little?"
"Of course they do!" Ianto screamed. "Of course you do!"
"Well, it doesn't feel like it," James snarled, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive posture.
"Why are we shouting about this?" Ianto demanded, collapsing to his knees. He buried his head in his hands. "Why can't we be nice to each other again?"
"Because last weekend you treated me as if I didn't matter," James answered. "You treated me like an object. Like someone available at your beck and call, without feelings of his own."
"I've never treated you like that!"
"Do you like this girl?" James asked, throwing Ianto with the abrupt change of subject.
"I think so."
"Do you like me?"
"Yes!" Ianto shouted, looking up to meet James's eyes. "That's the problem! I like you too much! How am I supposed to deal with these feelings, huh? How am I supposed to live my life liking you as much as I do? I'm straight! I don't date men! I don't like men! But I like you," he finished, his voice trailing off. He continued in a soft, hesitant voice.
"I like you, and it scares the shit out of me that I can like you so much when I've never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want — I don't know what I want — All I know is that I've been miserable without you this week, and how can I be this miserable about someone I'm just fucking? But it's more than that and I know it and I'm terrified of admitting it, because if I admit it that means I'm not straight, and then my father's right, and I'm just a good-for-nothing queer with nothing to look forward to but a host of horrible diseases and an early grave!"
Ianto felt more tears on his cheeks but kept going, though his head dropped again. "I can't date you," he croaked. "I can't. I just can't, ok? I'm sorry!"
James's arms around him startled him more than the kiss had earlier.
"I don't need you to date me," James whispered. "I don't. What I need is for you to respect me, to respect what we have. To be truthful with me."
"What do we have?"
"A very complex friendship that involves sex, and caring, and a host of other emotions." James paused. "I really want this to work."
"Me, too."
"Is Lisa the type of person who'd understand?"
Ianto shrugged. "I don't know. We've only been on two dates. Last weekend would have been the third, but she cancelled at the last minute. Her mother fell," he explained. "I haven't seen her since, except in passing at work. She looks like she hasn't been sleeping." Iano snorted. "None of us have been sleeping, huh? You look just about as awful as I feel."
"It hasn't been easy," James muttered. He sighed and kissed the side of Ianto's head. They sat in silence for a few minutes. "You like me?"
"I don't think I could have sex with someone I didn't like even a little," Ianto responded. "And I like you much more than a little."
James's lips twitched into a smile, though he didn't respond in words.
"You like me?" Ianto asked.
"I told you so a few minutes ago. Do you want me to say it again?"
"No, I — That's ok. You don't have to say it unless you want to."
"I like you," James murmured against Ianto's skin as he shifted so he could take Ianto's face in his hands again. He rubbed at the tearstains on Ianto's cheeks with his thumbs. "But I'll be honest. I'm getting tired of this back-and-forth thing."
Ianto tensed.
"I've known fear in my life," James said, releasing Ianto's face. "I know what it's like to deny something because admitting it is too scary to contemplate."
"When did you come out?" Ianto asked.
"I'm not talking about my sexuality," James muttered. "I was never in." He gave Ianto a few soft, quick kisses on either cheek, on his forehead, along his jaw. "Tell me about your father," James asked when Ianto seemed calmer, relaxing him with kisses and caresses.
"When my mum died, he turned to alcohol," Ianto said softly. "He would drink before, but it got really bad after she died. When he was drunk… he didn't hesitate to share his opinions. Loudly. Rudely. He hated queers most of all," he whispered, feeling James flinch at the use of the word. "They were abominations against Christ, he'd say. Or AIDS was what they deserved, going against God. He wasn't religious, by any means, but…"
"I think I see," James said, hugging Ianto even more tightly.
"I wanted his approval, but I was never quite good enough. Never the son he wanted. I was too quiet, too smart, not into rugby, or sport. He never hit me, but words are just as bad, sometimes."
"Worse," James corrected. "They last longer than broken bones."
"Yeah," Ianto agreed, remembering the pain of his broken leg and how the nasty names his father called him lingered far longer.
James sighed. "I wish I could give you some of my confidence," he said after a long moment.
Ianto snorted in disbelief. "I'm not queer."
James sighed again, more upset this time. "I'm not saying you are."
"My dad would," Ianto muttered. "If he knew what we did, he'd call me queer to my face."
"Well, your father's dead," James exclaimed. "He can't hurt you anymore."
"Then why do I hear his voice whenever I think we're more than friends?" Ianto demanded. Ianto moaned, covering his face again. "Why am I so scared?"
"I don't know," James whispered. "I wish I did. I wish I could help you. I hate that you're so scared, that there's nothing I can do to help."
Ianto crawled closer to James and cried in his arms for a long time while James tried to soothe him. Slowly, he calmed again, until they were sitting on the floor, curled around each other like limpets.
"There is something you can do, though," Ianto said after another long moment. James raised his head to meet Ianto's eyes. "Stay. Help me learn it's not all scary."
"As long as you want me," James promised.
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8 October, 2005, Saturday. Later…
Ianto's finally sleeping. It took him several hours to drift off, even with how many times I got him to come. Not that I blame him, after everything that happened today. Between the crying and yelling and fucking… no, not fucking. It's more than that. I won't name it, but it's more than fucking. He even admitted it.
It started with a hug. Then we apologized. I told him he gave me mixed messages, and the conversation I had with his sister last month came out. He wasn't very happy to hear that she suspects we're sleeping together. But, then again, he's so far in the closet he doesn't even know he's in it.
But that's not entirely true anymore... as you'll see.
Not that I care what he calls himself.
I care about how scared he is. He told me that his father hated queers and used to say all kinds of horrible things about them when he was drinking. His uncle was gay, Ianto said, though no one in the family admitted it, and he died of AIDS before Ianto was three. His father didn't go to the funeral, hadn't seen his brother in five years… Ianto only knows because he looked up his uncle one day when in university, found his name on an AIDS quilt project. He went back and asked his sister about it, since she's older, and she told him about how Uncle Mark came out and their father kicked him out of the house and threatened him to stay away from his children.
What a legacy to have to deal with. Reminds me of Angelo, a little, though less Catholic.
Ianto was born in 1983, at the height of the AIDS crisis. When gay men were dying every other day. He grew up in fear of AIDS and STIs. He grew up in a community full of homophobia. His father's attitude only made it worse.
God, I still remember the look of profound relief on his face when I handed him the envelope with my clean STI panels our second weekend together. We'll never fuck without condoms, unless we have some serious conversations, but knowing that I was clean made him so much more relaxed about having sex with me.
He said he likes me in a way he's never felt for anyone before, and it scares him. Well, relationships are scary. He thinks I'm not scared? I'm terrified of how I feel for him, how strong these feelings are. I'm going to lose him one day, and then where will I be? What will I have? Another broken heart to mend. And yet I can't help what I feel for him, either. I want to drown in it. I want to let go and let these feelings grow into whatever they're going to become. But I can't do that because he's not ready. He's nowhere near ready for either of us to think like that. Admitting he likes me is a huge step for him! Telling me about his father, and how scared he is about being with me is a huge thing.
It helps me understand him better, understand where he's coming from, why he's so scared, why he's so hesitant to call us anything other than fuck buddies. I needed that bit of information to move forward. You see, now I have hope. I hope that together we'll be able to work through his fear so we can be more open, so we can see more of each other, so we can be more to each other.
He's not ready to commit. He still wants to date Lisa. They haven't slept together, it seems, and I said it would be ok with me if he did it, as long as she knows she's not the only one in his bed…
But I realized something. I don't actually like the idea of him dating Lisa. I don't like the idea of him sleeping with her. I want him all to myself.
And I know I can't tell him, because he'll run as far away as he can…
Gotta get a handle on my jealousy…
Fuck.
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The click of the front door lock startled Jack. It was past one in the morning, and he'd thought from his conversation with Gary that he and Steve would both stay away from the flat that night, lest they interrupt something. His advanced hearing picked up Gary's slightly labored breathing after climbing five flights of stairs with an extra stone and a half of weight on his body than was good for him. Jack closed his diary and got up to get a glass from the cabinet so that by the time Gary stumbled into the kitchen to find out why the light was on, he was pouring him a generous serving of scotch and refilling his own glass.
"Cheers," Gary mumbled, clinking his glass to Jack's. "Didn't expect you to be up at this hour."
"I didn't expect you to come home at all tonight," Jack responded.
"Yeah, well, Lorraine suddenly wanted a girls' night and kicked me out. None of my mates were answering their phones, so I had to come back here. Stayed out as late as I could manage on my own." He paused. "Did you two work it out?"
"I understand a bit more why he's so scared of a relationship with me," Jack said. "I think we patched things up. But who knows? His thoughts about all this turn on a dime, lately. Figured that one out, too. He's dating a woman named Lisa and was too scared to tell me about it. Turns out a lot of his emotional volatility lately is since he agreed to that first date with her and he's been conflicted about seeing her and me at the same time."
"At least he finally told you, right?"
"Did you know about her?" Jack wondered.
"I found out after your fight last week. He hadn't told anyone." Gary sipped his scotch again.
"Will you and Steve start talking to him again?"
"Yeah. I feel kind of bad about that, actually. But he hasn't treated us very well, either."
"No?"
"His anxiety has been through the roof this week. He keeps snarling at us when he's not been crying. I've had to remind him to take those pills more than usual. He'd been getting better, but this set him back."
"Well, it's not always about him," Jack grumbled. "I've got feelings, too, and I'd like him to respect that more than he's been doing."
"From your mouth to God's ears," Gary said. "Or Ianto's, as the case may be."
"Speaking of," Jack said, draining his glass. "I should go back to him. Don't want him to wake up and think I've left in the night." He stood, gathering his diary and fountain pen before putting the glass in the sink. "G'night."
In the bedroom, Jack stared down at Ianto for a few minutes before undressing and crawling into bed with him. Ianto muttered in his sleep, rolling to drape himself over Jack's body, pinning him down. Jack sighed and ran a hand down Ianto's back.
"Would things be better if you knew who I really was?" he asked Ianto softly, not expecting an answer from the sleeping man. "Would you run scared like everyone else I think I could fall for? Would you leave me over my reputation? Or over the danger?" He closed his eyes, feeling a shiver of dread down his spine at the thought. "Owen was right. If you knew, you'd be in danger, and then I'd never be able to relax, worrying about you."
He sighed again. "Goddess, Ianto, what spell have you cast over me that I want to be a different person when I'm with you? That I want to be a better man?" he asked himself silently, not wanting to disturb Ianto any more than his shifting about and trip to the kitchen to write in his diary already had.
Ianto twitched, blinking slowly as he woke up a fraction. "Stop thinking," he slurred sleepily. Ianto closed his eyes again, snuggling even closer. With a reluctant shift to settle more comfortably, Jack closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep, hoping that things would be slightly more clear come morning.
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tbc in Chapter 22