Along The Lines Of A Mistake.
Edward's Point Of View.
Chapter 20-Through The Desert Alone
A/N: This chapter was inspired by Circa Survive songs and their lyrics.
Pain. This is what it felt like. Not just that fake kind of pain that is the cause of something silly, no. This is real pain. I felt it all. The pain of my mother, my sister and even my own pain. I felt it and I couldn't deal. Rosalie's coming back had affected my life. Things had been great but she wasn't supposed to come back into my life. Not yet, anyway.
I hadn't gotten much sleep last night and I was irritable. This morning Esme had come into my room. She said I needed to go to school but I didn't want to leave Cooper, especially with Rosalie at home. It didn't feel right but Esme insisted. She gave me a desperate pleading look and I gave in. So here I sit in a classroom filled with kids my own age with whom I have nothing in common. I looked around at each individual face and I watched as they played and messed around while the teacher spoke. I closely scrutinized them, their face, eyes, hair, nose, and skin. We all shared common physical features, characteristics but something was off about me. I felt alienated...and I hated it.
I was never one to like a lot of change in my life. Before Rosalie and everything else, life had been simple but, now everything was just a tangled mess. I wasn't sure what the right decisions were anymore and now that I had thought about it I didn't even think letting Rosalie around Cooper was a good idea either. Life was frustrating. I pulled my hands through my hair as I looked to the front of the class.
I was stuck in trig and the worst part about this class was that Bella wasn't even in it with me. She was the only reason I hadn't gone insane yet. I was eternally grateful to her for being here to support me. She had the option to leave me at any moment and yet she chose to stay. I held nothing but love and adoration in my heart for her.
I sighed as I bounced my leg up and down impatiently. I looked to the clock on the left side of the room and saw I only had twenty more minutes to go. I just wanted time to go faster. I wanted to get home and see Cooper's lovely smile and hear his laugh. The past few days have been rough and I wanted something normal for just one day. All I ever wanted lately was something normal.
Throughout the twenty minutes I doodled on my notebook, briefly wondering what Cooper was doing with Esme. Had he talked to Rosalie yet? The last time he had seen her was when Alice was taking a swipe at her. That isn't what I'd call a good first impression. I contemplated leaving school during lunch just to check on him but Alice, like the mind reader she is, knew exactly what I was thinking and begged me to stay when we were in the parking lot.. I gave in and promised I wouldn't leave. I was beginning to regret that promise. I was just glad I only had a few hours of school left.
When the bell rang, unlike most days where I left eagerly, I slowly got out of my chair and gathered my things before exiting the classroom. I headed straight to the cafeteria where I knew I'd find Bella. As I walked in I saw her sitting at the table where we normally sat. Her beautiful face stood out unlike the rest. She saw me right away and smiled; it was wide and perfect and made me smile just a little as I walked toward her. Once there I pulled Bella to me. I needed to hold her in my arms. Her reassurance, that she constantly gave me, was everything I could ever ask for. I felt loved with her, I felt free with her. She kept me from loneliness and without her I imagined it would be like walking through a desert alone. In a desert, no one would ever find me and death comes to claim most of those who wander the desert alone, few make it through. I needed Bella. Losing her would kill me, just like that desert.
I let her go briefly, sat down at the table and stared at her. She blushed like usual but I saw something in her eyes. She was trying to hide it but I knew better, for now I would just let it go. I needed to be not be so paranoid about things. When Alice and Jasper came in and sat with us she hid her face against my arm. I chuckled lightly. Alice smiled as well as she sat down but it wasn't her usual smile, it held sadness – Pain. She was holding back and even Jazz looked a bit down as well. I was glad Alice had him and I knew he would take care of her.
We made small talk as we all ate our lunch. Alice wanted to make plans to go somewhere 'fun' but I had a feeling that 'fun' just wasn't possible anymore with our complicated lives. She knew that but I had a feeling she just wanted things to be normal. So I let her make her plans and I stayed quiet, last night was too much and maybe we all just needed a break from the insanity.
Bella rested her head on my shoulder as we all listened to Alice's babble and when the bell rang we all got up and went our separate ways. Everyone stared at us as we walked into Biology. It seemed all eyes were on Bella and me. I tensed but I couldn't figure out why everyone was staring. By the time we took our seats she looked even tenser than when we were in the cafeteria.
"You okay?" I asked her.
She scooted her chair closer to me and leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Rumors are going around."
I looked carefully at Bella.
"Rumors about what?" I whispered more to myself but Bella heard it as well. She looked at me nervously while biting her lip. She opened her mouth and was about to speak when Mr. Banner walked into class.
He smiled at everyone and told us to get out our materials for taking notes and as Bella took out her notebook I saw a few people turn around and glance at us briefly before nodding to each other and giggling. I looked to Bella confused but she didn't look back at me. She focused all of her attention on Mr. Banner and the lesson he was teaching on the Krebs and Calvin cycle.
I wrote down some of what he was saying in case he wanted to check our notes but nothing more. I wanted to know what was bothering Bella. What rumors could someone have possibly spread? Were the rumors about us? I was impatient and the more impatient I got the more time seemed to go slowly. Bella glanced at me occasionally and I wanted to know what was going on.
I waited anxiously until finally the bell rang and Bella began to pack up her stuff. When she was done we walked out of class together and I pulled her over in a corner.
"What's the rumor?" I asked her. She bit her lip again.
"I don't want to tell you yet. Can we just wait until after school?" she pleaded. "I just don't want you to get mad."
"Is it about us?"
She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath before opening her eyes and exhaling. A weird look was still placed in her eyes.
"Yes, it's about us."
I sighed. I knew something like this would happen one day.
Bella put her hands on my cheeks and pulled me close to her face. "I don't care what they say. They know nothing of us and they have no right to judge us. So let them say what they like as long as we and the people we love know the truth. That's all that matters. No one else."
I nodded as our foreheads were pushed together and leaned down to kiss her. Her hands weaved themselves into my hair and she pulled me a bit closer. We pulled apart though when we heard a throat clear behind us.
I turned expecting a teacher to be there but it wasn't. It was Alice with a peculiar look on her face. Almost as if she was embarrassed at catching us kissing. She had seen us do it tons of times so it made me curious. What was different about today? I was curious about that.
Bella blushed a little and hid her face against my chest.
"Have you guys heard the rumors?" Alice asked us.
Bella nodded while I shook my head.
"Bella, are they true?" Alice asked with a desperate look on her face.
Bella's expression was of absolute shock and embarrassment. What could be so bad about the rumor that would make Alice ask and Bella become embarrassed?
"No, it's not. I swear it isn't. Why would you think that?" Bella said.
"I'm only asking. I had to make sure," Alice said. Bella nodded at her before the bell rang and Alice walked away.
I was so confused..
"Let's go we're late," Bella said as she tugged on my hand. We walked quickly to P.E. and immediately went to the bleachers in the gym, since the locker rooms would be closed already changing wasn't on the cards. When we walked in people were already doing their activities for the day. Bella and I just sat down since Coach Clapp didn't care what we did.
While we sat in the corner I pulled Bella closer to me, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her into my side. She looked up at me and I sighed.
"Bella please tell me what the rumor is," I pleaded with her.
She sighed. "Only if you swear you won't get mad."
"I won't. I promise," I told her and I was sure I could handle it.
Bella nodded before speaking. "The rumor is that I'm pregnant...with your child."
I clenched up my fists and closed my eyes to calm myself.
"Who started the rumor?" I asked.
"Lauren Mallory. Apparently her mom works at the hospital and told Lauren she had been seeing us at the doctors a lot, but I guess Lauren didn't hear the part about us being there for Cooper."
I unclenched my fists and ran a hand through my hair.
"Edward, I don't care if she spread a rumor. I don't care because I know it's not true and if people want to believe it then that's fine but they don't know me or you. They will all eventually know it's not true anyways when I don't start to show with a baby bump," Bella stated.
"I know that but Alice knows about the rumor too. She was probably freaked when she heard, Bella. I already have Cooper and our family is dysfunctional enough from the mistakes I've made. I wouldn't be surprised if she really thinks you are. Alice just might believe the rumor. I already have cooper, what else could I do wrong?" I said in a tight voice. I didn't want to do this anymore.
Bella grabbed my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze.
"We'll talk to her, or you can… I just want you to know this isn't going to change anything. This rumor will go away eventually. We're in this together," Bella said and I nodded.
I pulled her as close as was possible in the bleachers.
"You're amazing. I don't know what I would do without you," I whispered to her as I placed a kiss on her head.
She smiled contently.
For now I planned to enjoy this little moment between us.
We stayed in our own bubble until the bell rang and it was time to go home. Bella and I gathered our things and as we left the gym once again followed by the eyes of our class mates. When we reached the parking lot I walked over to my Volvo where Alice and Jasper were waiting. Bella's truck was right next to the Volvo.
Alice and Jasper looked to be talking about something serious but they stopped talking all together when they caught sight of us.
Alice looked to me with no smile like she usually would. Nothing. "Ready to head home?" she asked.
I looked at Bella and leaned over to kiss her forehead. "I'll call you later," I told her in a whisper as she hugged me.
She nodded, and smiled gently before letting me go and getting into her truck with Jasper. Alice and I got into the Volvo silently and as I started the engine to drive home Alice finally began talking.
"Please tell me she really isn't pregnant," Alice said.
I sighed. "Alice she already told you she wasn't. What more do you want?" I asked.
Suddenly the tears spilled. I pulled the car to the side of the road and stopped.
"Alice, nothing is going to happen anymore. Stop being so worried about me. I know right from wrong now. Bella is not pregnant. I can't believe you would even think to believe a rumor like that. You know me better than that," I told her.
She wiped at her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she said. Her eyes and head were downcast staring at her feet.
"I love you Alice, you don't need to worry about things like that anymore."
She nodded. I sighed and then the car was silent apart from Alice's sniffles. I started the engine again to continue the drive back home. I turned the radio on just a little, hoping some music would relax me for now.
I drove pretty fast, so we got home in no time. I got out the Volvo and eagerly walked to the door of the house. I wanted to see Cooper. I was eager to know how things had gone, especially since Rosalie would have probably met him today.
When we walked into the house Alice went straight upstairs, probably to her room. I could hear nothing but the hushed sounds of talking. I walked right into the living room and found Cooper on the couch fast asleep.
Rosalie was on the couch furthest from him. She was just watching him sleep with tears falling down her face. When she caught sight of me she quickly wiped at her eyes and stood up looking a little shell-shocked before she slowly sat down again. I didn't know why she reacted that way but then I remembered – I had told her to stay away from me. I walked over and sat next to Cooper. He stirred in his sleep and scooted a bit closer to me. His head rested on my thigh and I felt a little glad to finally be home with him now.
"Where's my mom?" I asked Rosalie.
"Upstairs," she replied in a soft and sad voice.
"Why are you crying?" I asked in a low voice. I looked at Cooper as I spoke.
"I screwed everything up. Everything I could have wanted. I had it but it's just...gone. " More tears were spilling down her cheeks.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
She sniffled, "I tried to talk to him today. Play with him and each time I went near him he was scared of me. He won't let me grab him, play with him – nothing. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have listened to what anybody said. He's a great kid… I should have realized sooner."
"He doesn't know you. You left him, almost killed him and he saw you fight with Alice, the aunt he loves. What would you expect him to do? Run at you with a hug and want to play? That's not how things work, Rosalie," I replied in a harsh tone.
"You think I don't know that? I know what I did. You don't need to keep telling me. I was young and the choice I made to not want Cooper, it wasn't me. I regret it."
"You keep saying that," I said as I ran a hand through Coops hair.
"Because it's true. I watched him with your mom today, how they played and how much he loves her and I wish I could take every decision I made involving him back. I want to be in his life but... I can't. It's been too long and it's too late."
I nodded in agreement. I wouldn't hold back.
"You said before that you had a reason for not wanting Cooper. What was it?" I asked as I finally met her eyes.
She sighed. "I-." But she was cut off as the front door closed.
Emmett walked in with a paper bag from a nearby food place in hand.
"Hey," he said.
I gave him a nod.
"What's going on?" He asked as he placed the bag down and went to sit next to Rosalie.
"We're just talking."
"Oh, did you explain to him about what happened? There is no right time to tell him." He told Rosalie.
She nodded her head.
"Tell me about what?" I asked. Rosalie took in a deep breath
"We both made our mistakes and I know you think I'm selfish but I'm about to explain. And I know that this won't change things but I just want to tell you," Rosalie said.
I nodded slowly. I didn't have a response. I had no idea what she was about to tell me but whatever it was I doubted it would make a difference. Nothing would.
"Well, when my dad found out I was pregnant with Cooper he gave me two options. To abort him or keep him and they would stop funding me. My job then was working for my dad and he was the only one who would hire me at the time. He owned that big time company. I had gotten into some trouble for a driving under the influence and every place I applied to get a job said Ididn't have experience or the DUI went against me. So, I had no way to get another job and I needed my job to pay for my college. My dad told me I either had to abort or he would fire me. He said he couldn't afford having the company in jeopardy because of me. He said he didn't want people to know about me being pregnant.
"At the time I was already showing and that was a few days before I came here to tell you about being pregnant and going off on my drinking spree. My dad told me he would give me a week off and I had to get rid of Cooper or not come home at all. I had tried to get the abortion but in the end I couldn't do it. I was scared to. I came here because of Emmett. He made me, then I went on that drinking spree and when I woke in the hospital they told me about Cooper and I..I was ashamed. I left the hospital like a coward and went back to my life. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry for everything I've caused you and your family. I am selfish. And I know you will always have that against me but I just wanted you to know the truth. If I had kept Cooper I would have ended up in debt and I wouldn't have been able to pay to support myself or even Cooper." Rosalie had tears pouring out of her eyes. She wiped at them and Emmett put his arm around her.
My hands were clenched in fists and I couldn't hold my thoughts in. "If you knew that would have happened you could have asked for our help Rosalie. We would have helped you. There is no excuse and I can't just forgive something as big as this. I understand but there is no forgiving. I can't do it."
I gently moved Cooper into my arms as he slept, picked him up to take him upstairs. I walked up to my room and as I did, met Alice sitting at the very top of the stairs by her room. She had been listening to Rosalie speaking.
I shook my head at her but she paid no attention to it as she looked at Cooper. Alice held out her hands for him.
"He's heavy," I told her with a warning look.
She shrugged. "He's as light as a feather. Bring him in my room."
I sighed and gave him to her gently. She smiled as she held him.
She carried him into her room and laid him on her pink covered bed. I was surprised she could even carry him. Alice looked so fragile.
She kissed his forehead and ran her hands through his hair. She smiled a bit and laid her head down beside his and closed her eyes.
I smiled as I watched her. I saw Cooper cuddle closer to her and Alice smiled a little more. I walked over to them and sat on Alice's bed. Alice opened her eyes and motioned for me to lie on the other side of Cooper. I did and as I lay there the only thoughts on my mind were about what I was going to do now. Rosalie was here and that was inevitable. From what she had told me it was clear Cooper did not like her very much. Did that mean she wouldn't stay long? What would happen after she left?
I was alone in this. My choices. Only mine. What was stolen from me is lost. No going back. And it was taken from me and I'll never regain it. I am learning from my mistakes. My past. And like a desert wind I can be strong. With a little help I can do it. I can be strong but I can't walk through a desert alone. I need my family as support. I never knew I could need them so much but now... I am realizing it.
I've tried so hard to be what everyone needed but maybe I'm not enough. Underneath a surface of someone's soul none of us deserve this. Underneath the surface sometimes we all break apart. A mask. And this mask that I put on everyday for everyone can't keep standing. Eventually it will fall and that's something I fear– The unknown. Rosalie's excuses and apologies mean nothing to me. They never will.
Rosalie is different from me. All she ever saw was a burden in Cooper standing beside all of her blessed truths. It must be a tradition practiced by her every time she would say good bye because she was good at making excuses for everything
She only cared for herself and the story she told me today proved it.
She wanted forgiveness but it's something you earn and it's not to be expected. So I have nothing new to say to her or anyone else. I just wanted something normal… something new. My own fresh start but something in me told me that I had to get over this bumpy road before things got better.
They just had to get better.
A/N: *Peeks out from her hiding spot* So please, please forgive me. I have been so busy with work lately. School has been so demanding but like Rosalie I have no excuses. . I take all blame for this overdue update. Feel free to send me hate mail. ha-ha. Thank you to everyone who has still reviewed, Rec'd and Fav'd and have kept me going in this writing process. Thanks to everyone down at Facebook. You ladies rock with your love and teasing and the things you make me laugh about. And thank you for the lovely death threats I have gotten as well. Those got me writing too..Since school has started do not hate me for lack of updates but I will try my best to get them out more often. My mind is on fire with new ideas so I will keep writing.
I must also give credit where it is needed..I am a major Circa Survive fan so this chapter was very much inspired by that band and some lyrics have been used in this story. I put a disclaimer on the lyrical parts that are recognized and only take credit for the plot. The characters are not mine either. Through the desert alone is a circa song so take a listen if you'd like..you may recognize the lyrics I used.
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-lizward 3