21. Monster

BELLA SWAN

Edward's cold lips, hard as stone, moved against mine in a way that felt so familiar, yet so incredibly different. I squeezed my eyes shut and my whole body tensed up as his lips searched for a response from me. I could tell he was trying to be gentle with me, but I didn't think it mattered much when he wasn't letting me escape. He lightly ran his hand up my right arm that was locked to my side and his cold touch sent shivers through me. My other hand was pressed against his chest in preparation to try and push him away, but what would've been the point when I knew he wouldn't budge. He continued kissing my non-moving lips and rubbed my shoulder soothingly, trying to make me loosen up. I felt a strong emotion swell up inside me, begging to be released the more he tried getting me to respond to him.

Although his lips were patient and loving, I was still shocked. I wasn't expecting this from Edward at all. Gentle or not, I should've been furious. I should've tried getting away as best I could, even if it was useless. I should've yelled, if anything just to get my point across that I didn't want this. His kiss, so foreign in many ways, should've felt too hard, too cold, and just not right. There was a lot that should've been…but weren't.

My arms, that I should've been using to push him away, instead found their way around his neck, pulling him closer. My rigid body soon began to melt into his ironically cold embrace. He held me tighter and I could feel the joy in his lips as he kissed me much more enthusiastically, and I welcomed it. A kiss so cold, so hard, but it felt right, different, but right. My lips that were once motionless were now very active as they matched his every movement with just as much eagerness as he displayed. As close as we already were together, at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be even closer. I could tell Edward still had no plans on letting me go anytime soon, but that wasn't a problem anymore. I didn't want to be let go.

As we kissed, my brain started asking me the same question over and over again. Why? Why was I doing this? But I asked right back, why are you asking why? The answer was completely obvious. I was still in love with Edward. I loved him. It didn't matter what he did, how he acted, or how long a time we were apart. I loved him, always had and always would. Looking back, it was stupid of me to deny it in the first place. Who was I kidding? No one, but myself. Edward was right. After all that I've felt for him, after everything that we've been through, there was no way that could be brushed aside so easily; I didn't think it ever could.

The longer our lips danced together, the more enveloped I became in "us". Images began flashing in my mind as I recaptured the love we had; the day I met him in Biology class, the time he saved me from being crushed by Tyler's van, the moment I realized he was a vampire, our first time going to the meadow, his rescuing me from James, and even our prom night. The memories all displayed perfectly in my mind like I was watching it unfold a second time, but it didn't end there. New images started to flash by.

I could see Edward and I standing in front of a small but beautiful cottage that looked like it could be straight from a fairytale. The area looked different though, unlike anything I recognized in Forks. Edward smiled that beautifully crooked smile of his and lightly rubbed my hand that was much paler than usual. To the right of us was a small pond with pebbles decorating the border. I curiously went over to take a look at it. The water was very clean and I could see my reflection clearly. What I saw caught me off guard. I could see myself, but I looked so different. My skin was just as pale as Edward's, my hair silky and shiny as it hung over my shoulders, and my face completely free of any wrinkles or uneven features. I did look different, I looked far too beautiful. My beauty however did not distract me long enough to not notice the blood red eyes in place of my once brown ones.

I looked at myself in shock for a moment before a stray gust of wind blew in my direction, rippling the water so I couldn't see myself so clearly. Once calm again, my reflection didn't display in the water. Instead, I could see Charlie and Sue Clearwater back at home. They were sitting on the couch and Sue had her hand on Charlie's shoulder in a comforting manner, odd considering I thought it would be the other way around. Another gust of wind passed and with it, a new image appeared in the water. It was the pack, all in their wolf forms standing protectively along an invisible borderline. I could recognize them all easily, but I noticed that one was missing. In the next second, another gust of wind went by and the water calmed to show yet another image. It was Jacob. Everything around him was pitch-black and he seemed to be emitting some kind of light, but that light was starting to fade way. It got darker and darker until nothing could be seen.

I gasped and suddenly came back to reality. I wasn't sure if it was a reflexive response or my body actually doing what my brain wanted it to, but I immediately unwrapped my arms from around Edward and pulled away as best I could in his grasp. Edward's eyes widened in surprise as I struggled furiously and finally he let me go. The moment he did, I fell back hard and hit my head in the dirt, probably crushing some of the flowers behind me. Leave it to me to lose my balance while sitting.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked in worry, reaching out to take my hand.

I flinched away from his hand in panic, my heart racing as I looked at him cautiously. I could see on his face that my response hurt him as he pulled his hand away slowly, which didn't make me feel any better. He didn't lose his focus though, keeping his eyes on me and watching my reactions carefully.

"Bella?" he said slowly.

I grimaced and finally spoke. "Y-yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"No…"

He slowly scooted a bit closer. "Where does it hurt? It looked like you hit your head pretty hard."

"No, not my head." Although my head did hurt a little, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside.

"Then where?"

I didn't answer. I just held my hand over my chest as I tried to endure the throbbing that felt like it was getting faster. I was starting to sweat and my whole body was trembling. Looking at Edward and knowing how much I felt for him, it made me feel disgusted at myself. I was starting to feel dizzy, everything around me was blurring, including Edward's beautiful face.

"Bella! Bella, breath, calm down," he advised and grabbed my shoulder. Though I was breathing, it was far too rapid for my own good.

Either he was too late or his physical contact did the trick, but all too quickly, I let go as everything went black.

It was like that for a while, or at least it felt like that to me. I couldn't feel or see a thing. Everything was still black, there was no noise; it was almost like I was dead. Did I die? I thought with dark humor at the idea of Edward somehow giving me the Kiss of Death. That's when I realized I wasn't dead, I was thinking and my senses were coming back to me. The smell of the woods had gone away and the intense throbbing in my chest seemed to have relocated to my head. I groaned and held the right side of my head where it hurt the most. Still, I much preferred this over the pain I felt before, pain that I brought upon myself.

"Bella?" I heard Edward whisper, his tone filled with worry.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw that we were back in Edward's Volvo. He was driving much slower than he usually did and it didn't look like he drove too far away from where he had parked.

"Bella?" he whispered again.

"Yes?" I responded with a groan.

He sighed in relief. "How do you feel?"

"My head is killing me."

"I'm sorry about your head, but I am glad you're awake. I was afraid I'd have to explain to Charlie how you passed out."

"Oh…that's what happened."

"I think you had some sort of panic attack."

I nodded. "That sounds about right."

He frowned deeply, his face full of regret. "Maybe I should bring you to Carlisle so he can check if you're okay."

I shook my head. "No, just take me home, please."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

I cringed as I thought back on what happened and feared the throbbing in my chest might start again, especially if I stayed around Edward for too long, I didn't want to make things worse. It was clear to me now and I had to admit to myself that I loved Edward and always had, but that didn't change how much I loved Jacob, not in the slightest. That image of his disappearing in the dark, my sun burning out, me losing him, it was too much. Just thinking about it caused me so much pain that I'd take a killer headache over that any day. Edward was right, I feared choosing him over Jacob would cause Jacob pain, but I didn't think he knew how much agony that would cause me as well, maybe even more than Jacob's. I didn't fully understand what it was about Jacob that made losing him so unbearable. We always seemed to have connected emotions that I didn't even think I had with Edward. I felt like that connection had grown far too big at this point to abandon.

"Bella," Edward said, his tone regretful, "I wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have kissed you like that. I was so confident in myself that I didn't take your feelings into consideration. If I'd known you'd respond like that, I would never have done it."

"But, wasn't that the response you wanted?" I grimaced as I thought about it, "I mean, minus the passing out. And I think you nailed my feelings pretty well."

"I still could've approached it differently. For that, I'm sorry."

I sighed. "I forgive you."

It was silent for a while as Edward sped up a little, continuing on the route to Charlie's house. I stared out the window, trying to keep my panicked thoughts under control as I dealt with this stupid headache. I wasn't sure if it was caused by my stress, hitting my head too hard, or a possible side effect from my birth control shot. I just knew that it wasn't going away anytime soon.

"Bella, how come you reacted the way you did?" Edward asked, "You looked so…terrified."

I cringed and swallowed hard as he brought it back up.

"Surely you loving me couldn't have come as that much of a shock."

I shook my head. "No. It was kind of a 'duh' moment."

"Then, why?"

I hesitated to answer. "Edward…you know I love you."

He nodded. "Yes."

"I do, I really do. But…" I took a deep breath that came out shaking. "I don't think it really changes much."

He seemed to freeze for a split second. "Oh…"

I grimaced as I saw the disappointment in his eyes. His face squirmed a little, like he was trying to accept it but having trouble.

"Well then, I'm very sorry now," he said in a low voice.

"Why are you apologizing so much? I'm the monster here."

"Bella, how are you the monster? If anything, I am." He chuckled once darkly and shook his head. "I really am a monster too."

"No. I'm the monster who's hurting you, and I'm going to end up hurting Jacob too." I whimpered and felt some tears try to escape, but I kept them in place. "At least I get to share the pain, that makes it slightly fairer."

He took one hand off the wheel for a second, reaching out slightly to touch me, but stopped himself as he went back to driving with two hands. "If this has caused you pain in anyway, then I truly am the monster here, Bella."

I just shook my head in disagreement and held my other hand to my chest when I started to feel throbbing again, though not as violent as before. My hands shook just thinking about how badly this news would hurt Jacob. I contemplated not telling him, but how could I do that? I wouldn't be able to live with myself keeping this secret from him, if was too big to ignore.

"What will you do about Jacob?" Edward asked.

"I have to tell him the truth," I murmured.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? What about his temper? He could get mad and hurt you."

"He has every right to be mad at me." I sighed and looked to the floor. "And I've hurt him enough." I was pretty sure that Jacob wouldn't physically harm me, but if he did, I didn't feel like I had the right to complain.

Edward's grip on the steering wheel tightened and his teeth clenched, like he had heard my thoughts. "I would kill him."

"No!" I looked directly at him. "No, you won't!"

He glanced at me for a second and went back to looking at the road with a sigh. I was waiting for him to say "okay" or something, but he remained silent. We were already close to Charlie's house so it only took a few minutes until Edward pulled into the driveway, stopping behind Charlie's car.

I sluggishly got out of the car and steadied myself on my feet as Edward got my backpack from the backseat and put it over my shoulders. I also saw that the white box with Edward's chocolate cake inside sat at the opposite end of where my backpack was, which he grabbed and held out to me.

"You can keep this if you want," Edward offered.

I took it with one hand as the other was still positioned on my head. "Thanks."

He sighed. "Again, I'm really sorry."

"Edward, it's not your fault. I probably would've realized it eventually anyway. I'm the one screwed up, not you."

"You're not screwed up. Everyone loves in different ways, there's no rule to it."

"Even if there isn't, I must be doing something wrong."

His arms twitched for a second as he looked at me with longing in his eyes, like he desperately wanted something but was trying hard to hold himself back. "I should go."

I nodded slowly. "Alright."

He walked back around to the driver's side, but hesitated to get in. There must have been some kind of inner debate going on in his mind, but he ultimately got in and quickly started the car up. I stepped back as he backed out of the driveway. My eyes were locked on his face the whole time and it was clear that he was in pain. I hated this so much. No matter what I did, I was going to hurt someone. It would be so much easier if I could get over Edward like most people did when it came to their past relationships, but that seemed so impossible to me now. The best I could do was make sure it didn't get any worse and try staying away from him altogether, but that thought alone added to the throbbing pain in my chest.

I slowly walked to the front door and briefly tucked the box under my arm to open the door. I went inside and saw Charlie sitting on the couch watching ESPN. He turned toward me upon my arrival, but didn't smile in greeting once he examined my face.

"Honey, are you alright?" Charlie asked.

"I just have a headache," I answered, "I'm going to try and lie down for a bit."

"Alright. Do you need some Tylenol or anything?"

"I might take some if it gets any worse, I know where it is."

He nodded and his focus shifted to the box in my hand. "What's in the box?"

I went and put the box on the counter. "Chocolate cake. You can have some if you want."

"Cake, huh? What's the occasion?"

"For finishing my finals."

"Ah, yes. How'd you do?"

I shrugged. "I think I did fine."

"Good for you. I won't take too much then, it's your cake."

"Really, I don't mind. I probably won't be eating anymore tonight." I groaned as the throbbing in my head continued.

"Well, you just get some rest and try to feel better."

"I will."

I nodded at him and made my way upstairs to my room. Setting my backpack beside the bed, I lied down and rested my head on the pillow. As much as my head was hurting, it was no distraction at all from the inner turmoil I was experiencing.

I loved Edward, but it was just too late to drop everything and go back to him. I loved Jacob, but it wasn't fair to him that I shared my love with someone else. Maybe they'd both be better off without me and find someone who could love them properly, though the thought of losing either one made me feel sick. Losing Edward would no doubt hurt me, but I felt like I could survive as long as Jacob was with me. He's helped me through it before after all, he's really good at that. However, losing Jacob would break me to a degree that I wasn't sure if I could recover from even if I had Edward.

I felt weary as I laid there completely motionless, but my mind was racing too fast for sleepiness to catch up. Even as I closed my eyes and tried my best to dispel all the thoughts that fueled my anxiety, one would just not go away. Tomorrow I would see Jacob. I knew that I needed to tell him the truth and I could only hope that he would be far more forgiving than I deserved.

Author's Note: I know, I know, you guys hate me right now...

Chapter 22 is coming soon. Please leave your feedback, I'd love to hear what you think. ;)