Finding Yourself

Author:Nightstar Productions(Nightstar Fury).

Rated: Mfor Mature.

Pairing:Toothless & Hiccup.

Disclaimer:I do not own the HTTYD movies, Dreamworks Dragons series.

Chapter 21: Always With You.

Hiccup felt his chest tightening, as if he couldn't breathe although he was hyperventilating. Toothless watched his facial reactions to see or get a feel for how he felt. Though he already had a pretty good idea, the trembling body and wide, teary eyes was enough without needing to see more. Hiccup hadn't moved an inch from where they were, his eyes still locked on the headstones before him that sat maybe 15 steps away. Toothless waited for it, he knew it was coming.

"N–no...no! Why would you...bring me here, Toothless! No! Take me back home now!" Hiccup ordered trying to turn around and get in the car only to find it gone. "Where is your dad! Tell him to come back!" Hiccup panicked, he had to get away from here. He couldn't do this, he wasn't ready to do this.

"I can't Hiccup. My phone is almost dead, and yours isn't here. I made sure to take it from you before we left so you couldn't call anyone for help." Toothless responded.

"I can't...do this...No...I refuse too and...y–you can't make me!" Hiccup cried refusing to look at the stones anymore.

"I can and I will. You told me you trusted me, Hiccup so prove it to me." Toothless said softly.

"I–I don't want...t–to be here! Take me home, now...!" Hiccup tried again.

Toothless shook his head, he saw Hiccup try to make a break for the exit but Toothless grabbed his arm and pulled him against him. Hiccup struggled against him to get free but Toothless was stronger and kept him locked there, taking the hits and punches. It hurt, he wouldn't lie about that but he knew this would happen when he made this decision. "Hiccup, we're not leaving until you face it." Toothless told him.

"Let go of me! I don't want to be here! I can't be here! Don't you understand...I–I can't!" Hiccup sobbed heavily.

"Enough, Hayden!" Toothless yelled at him making him freeze. "Now damn it, you asked for my help. I told you I would! I do understand, believe me I know how hard this is for you right now. That's why I know it will work. Originally, I wasn't going to bring you here. We were gonna sit in the basement with left over soda and snacks while you told me everything you were feeling about this whole thing...That was until I heard what you said in your nightmare..." Toothless told him.

"Wh–what did...I–I say?" Hiccup asked trembling still.

"Will you calm down? If you calm down, and promise not to run...I'll let go of you." Toothless stated. Hiccup bit his lip nervously, but none the less he knew he could trust Toothless. He'd never given him a reason not too and he knew that he'd asked Toothless for help so whatever Toothless was doing, he had to trust that it was to help him. Hiccup closed his eyes and nodded to Toothless, with a sigh of relief Toothless released him slowly.

"Ca–can w–we just...go si–sit over...th–there...for n–now?" Hiccup asked softly motioning to the small grassy area by the metal fence.

"For now, yes we can." Toothless nodded as he put his hand on Hiccup's shoulder and led him across the pavement to the grassy area. Once they reached it, Hiccup slowly sat down with his knees up to his chest. Toothless sat beside him, legs crossed. "I know you don't want to be here, Hiccup. But I also know that you haven't been here since their funerals." Toothless began.

"Wh–who to–...Gobber right?" Hiccup asked sighing.

"No...actually you did, Hiccup." Toothless looked over at him calmly. "When I woke up this morning, I was up before you. By 10 minutes and while you were laying on me...you started whimpering and crying. Reliving the night Gobber told you, where you pleaded for it to not be true that they weren't gone." Toothless watched Hiccup's eyes widen a bit. "Then I heard you telling Gobber you didn't want to see their stones, because it would make it real that they weren't with you anymore." Toothless added. Hiccup looked down sadly. "And then in your sleep begged me not to leave you...because you can't live this life without me in it."

Hiccup's eyes widened to saucers now, he...really said all those things in his sleep. "I–I'm sorry...I just...I told you...I feel...better with you around me, Tooth...and I–I'm afraid if...you ever left me...That I wo–wouldn't...b-be able to handle...anything..." Hiccup whimpered a bit.

"Hiccup first of all, I told you to stop apologizing for being human with feelings. Its okay. Secondly...you don't have to explain it to me. And lastly, I know that I make you feel better. We've both been through similar losses, losing our parents to a car accident. You understand that I felt the same way you do right now and I obviously understand how you feel. Hiccup, I love you okay? I'm in love with you but I'm also your friend. There is no way that I would not be here for you when you're going through this. So you don't have to worry...or be afraid because I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving you. Ever. I told you that. No matter what happens in life, or where we go. You will always be my best friend." Toothless said softly.

"I–I know that...I–I just...ever since...they died...I–I'm terrified to be happy. Because...the last time I was...everything...crashed in front of me and...I–I lost them...A–and now...I'm afraid to lose other people...I–I care ab–about..." Hiccup cried. Toothless wrapped his arms around Hiccup and pulled him against him.

"I know...I know, Hiccup. Remember, I've been where you are now. That's why I know...that you can't keep ignoring this. You have to face it. You know that and I know you're afraid too that's why I blindfolded you before coming here. After you went upstairs to eat, I called Gobber to ask if it was true about you never coming here. He told you he couldn't get you out of the car and you freaked out in a panic. I knew you wouldn't come if I told you where we were going. So I had to trick you and I'm sorry for that but at the same time I'm not because you need to face this. You know I'm right, Hiccup. You understand they are gone, but you haven't accepted they are gone. And you need too or this will never get any easier for you. This is your first step to grieving. Accepting they are gone and the only way to do that is to stand in front of those headstone, and let yourself cry it out. You have too, Hiccup." Toothless enlightened him softly.

"Tooth...I–I ca–can't...I do–don't want too...willingly...kn–know they are go–gone...for–ever..." Toothless watched as Hiccup covered his face in defeat crying harder. Toothless sighed, thank the Gods his father was giving them as much time as Toothless needed to do this. Toothless for now just held Hiccup in his arms, he knew Hiccup wouldn't listen right now but at least he wasn't running away. But maybe there was something he could do to get Hiccup to calm down.

"It's like a storm, that cuts a path. It breaks your will...It feels like that. You think you're lost. But you're not lost on your own, you're not alone..." Toothless began to sing while holding Hiccup and swaying side to side lightly.

"I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you've done all you can do, and you can't cope. I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight...And I won't let go." He stroked Hiccup's hair softly as Hiccup's cries became gentle whimpers while leaning against Toothless's chest.

"It hurts my heart, to see you cry. I know it's dark, this part of life. Oh it finds us all. And we're too small, to stop the rain...Oh but when it rains..." Hiccup lowered his hands, and kept his eyes casting downward towards the ground while he felt Toothless's head lay atop of his still swaying. Toothless used the arm that was around Hiccup's back to rub his right arm up and down for comfort.

"I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you've done all you can do. And you can't cope...I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight...And I won't let you fall. Don't be afraid to fall! I'm right here to catch you, I won't let you down. It won't get you down. You're gonna make it...Yeah I know you can make it!" Toothless sang to him hearing he'd now lessened his sobs to just sniffles, maybe some silent tears falling from his green eyes.

"'Cause I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you've done all you can do, and you can't cope! And I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight. And I won't let go! Oh I'm gonna hold you. And I won't let go. Won't let you go...No I won't." Toothless finished gently before placing a kiss on Hiccup's forehead.

"I don't what it...is about your singing that...relaxes me, Tooth but I–I'm grateful for it..." Hiccup used his sleeve to wipe his eyes.

"And I will sing as many times as necessary if it calms you down, Hiccup. You ready to go over there now?" Toothless asked him.

"D–do I...ha–have too?" Hiccup said softly.

"Yes you do. I told you, if you want to get through this...You have to take the first step. You have to face this, and accept it. And you don't have to do it alone. I will be right here with you, Hiccup. You don't have to do anything, other than sit in front of them and accept that they are gone but...they are still always with you everywhere you go. You have to accept that this isn't just some extended nightmare of yours, this is reality. It did happen, and they really are gone. The sooner you over come this, Hiccup...the sooner you can begin to heal, and move on." Toothless replied moving his hand to hold Hiccup's.

"Yo–you promise...y–you won't...leave m–my side?" Hiccup asked.

"I swear it on my life, Hiccup. We can sit here until the sun goes down if you want, as long as you need to sit there to accept it and if you can't today...we'll keep coming back until you do. But, it will get easier once you do this. If you can do this...you can handle anything else, like seeing their pictures on the walls, hearing someone talk about them, even step foot in the garage to the truck your dad left you. This...Hiccup is the big step to grieving." Toothless told him lightly. Toothless got up from the ground now and offered his hand to Hiccup smiling softly. "You can do this, Hiccup. I promise that you can." Toothless encouraged him.

Hiccup shakily took Toothless's hand and was pulled to his feet slowly. "I–I ca–..." Hiccup's knees began to wobble. Toothless wrapped his arm around Hiccup's waist to support him so he wouldn't fall while using his left hand to hold Hiccup's right one.

"Ssh, its okay...Nice and slow okay. No rush. One step at a time, and I won't let you fall down. Remember?" Toothless said lightly."You can, Hiccup. Just take a few breaths okay?" Toothless reminded. Hiccup took a few breaths with each step he took across the road. His parent's headstones were about 15 steps away. Every step seemed to come slower, shaky knees and he was breathing heavily trying calm himself down. When they were 8 steps away, he felt like his body was a pile of bricks and went from a step every 10 seconds to stopping completely with fear.

"Tooth, I–I ca–can't...do this...I can't. I can't do it..." Hiccup cried again.

"Hiccup, yes you can. Don't tell yourself that you can't. Tell yourself you can." Toothless said lightly.

"B–but I...I can't, Toothless...I can't. I can't. I can't...Please don't make me do this! I'm not...re–ready to do this...I–I don't...want to...do this...Please...If you love me at all...then yo–you won't ma–make me d–do this..." Hiccup pleaded him.

"No Hiccup. Its because I love you that I have to make you to do. Because this is how you start healing, by accepting the truth that they are gone. The reality that they did die in that accident. You have to accept it, and let it sit with you. You have to feel the hurt of loss. You have to let this run its course. There is never a time to be ready to do this...It's been almost two months, and you asked me to do this so I'm not going to let you back out of it. You can do this." Toothless encouraged him gently.

Hiccup began to shake his head back and forth with his eyes closed tightly, tears coming down his cheeks again. "N–no I ca–can't...!" Hiccup tried to run but Toothless had a firm grip on him and brought him to turn around and hold him close so Hiccup's face was buried against his chest.

"Its okay...Sssh, Hiccup. Its alright...We're almost there...see? Just a few more steps to go and then I don't care if you drop to your knees and cry. But you have to do it in front of them, you have to accept this by seeing it first hand and feeling it. That is the only way its ever going to be real for you, for it to sink in." Toothless rubbed his back lightly.

"I–I don't...wa–want it...t–to be re–real...It's not...re–real, Toothless...Th–they aren't...gone. J–just...on vacation...th–they'll b–be back..." Hiccup insisted. Toothless sighed heavily as he held Hiccup's arms and pushed him away from his chest and stared in to his eyes.

"You're trying to trick yourself in to believing that, to hide from the truth. And I can't let you do that, I told you. Its not my intention to hurt you further, and it hurts me to have to do this to you but it needs to be done." Toothless moved behind Hiccup and nudged him to make him forward.

"Toothless...no! Please..." Hiccup begged him. Toothless didn't listen to him, he pushed him forward again.

"I'm sorry, Hiccup...If you can't get there on our own power then I will get your there on mine." Toothless told him firmly and pushed again. Now they were 5 steps from it and Hiccup had closed his eyes refusing to look. His trembling got worse and he kept trying to run but Toothless blocked him until they were right before the stones. "Hiccup. Open your eyes." Hiccup refused. "Hiccup. Come on now, its time." Toothless added putting his hands on Hiccup's shoulders.

"N–no...I won't...I can't...Please, just...c–call yo–your dad...I–I want to g–go home..." Hiccup cried tying to turn his back but Toothless was holding him firm to face the direction of his parent's headstones.

"Can't. Dad had errands to run this morning. And mom has my brother and sisters, we wouldn't all fit in the car. We're stuck here for a few hours." Toothless lied casually, not that he wanted too but he had to let Hiccup know he wasn't getting out of this one so easily. "You can do this, and I'm right here with you. Like I promised I would be...Just open your eyes." Toothless urged again. Hiccup shook his head, lowering it. Toothless stared at the sky, "You just had to have a stubborn kid, didn't you?" Toothless wasn't talking to anyone but it was definitely directed at Hiccup's parents. Then he got an idea. Toothless moved in front of Hiccup, and cupped his cheek. He lightly used his thumb to stroke it before pulling Hiccup's face to his own and kissing him softly.

Hiccup's shaking form began to relax as he melted in to it, knees going weak at the feeling and nearly falling down but Toothless kept his arm around Hiccup's waist to support him. After a moment or two, Toothless broke the kiss and pulled back slow opening his eyes while he did. He watched Hiccup slowly open his eyes and stare at him. "Wh–what was...th–that for?" Hiccup asked softly.

"Because you said I give you strength and courage, must be true because you stopped shaking and crying when I did it. Now...I want you to do something for me okay? We're standing in front of their graves right now, I'm blocking your view of them. I'm going to show you that even though they are gone, they are still with you. Alright? Do you trust me?" Toothless asked.

"Y–yes..." Hiccup nodded slow.

"Good. Now...I'm going to move to the side and you're going to keep your eyes open for me." Toothless said, Hiccup forced another nod taking a deep breath to stay calm. Toothless slowly moved to the side still holding Hiccup's hand and kept his arm locked around his waist, he knew Hiccup kept his eyes open because he felt Hiccup start to shake again. He heard Hiccup start whimpering. "Hiccup...Ssh. Its okay. I promise its okay. Don't hold back. You did it, you made it here. Now you have to let it sink in, let it out, and let it hurt. I'm right here with you and I'm not leaving. You're not alone." Toothless encouraged him.

"Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it take you right down to your knees. Let it burn to the worst degree...It may not be what you want but its what you need. Sometimes the only way around it, is to let love do its work...and let it hurt." Toothless sang softly, it was part of a song but he knew Hiccup knew the song and right now the lyrics fit the situation. Or at least the chorus did. That seemed to be all it took for Hiccup not to hold back anymore. He felt Hiccup's knees gave out and he collapsed to the ground crying hard, Toothless just stayed behind him rubbing his back silently.

Hiccup's tear filled eyes glanced to the headstones, "No...No its not true...They aren't..." He trailed off as his hand reached for the dirt on the ground that covered the caskets. Toothless waited for it, he knew that pause. It was realization that this did actually happen. That his parents really were buried 6 feet below them, that they were gone and never coming back. "Gods they are gone...They really are...gone forever..." Hiccup cried harder. He buried his face in his hands letting tears fall freely now. Toothless knew this was hard for Hiccup but he also knew it was necessary for him to understand the reality of it all. Now he had, and it was just a matter of time.

"That's it...Just cry it out, Hiccup. Cry until you can't anymore...Then you'll feel better. Maybe not right away but you'll see soon...I promise." Toothless whispered to him. An hour or so later, their position on the ground changed so that Toothless was sitting on the grass with his legs out and Hiccup sitting between them and his back against Toothless's chest as Toothless held him tightly and rocked back and forth to soothe him. He hadn't cried in 20 minutes but he hadn't talked either and Toothless knew it was time for the second part of his plan to help Hiccup. "Hiccup?" Toothless asked.

"Okay...I get it. I've done it, I sat here and cried for an hour...and I get they are gone, and never coming back...That I've lost them forever...Can we...go now? Because honestly I don't feel any better...I feel worse." Hiccup asked.

"You'll feel better soon. I never said it was immediate, Hiccup. So no, not yet. There is still one more thing I need to show you. Will you let me?" Toothless asked. Hiccup nodded to him.

"Alright. I need you to cross your legs, put your hands in your lap, and close your eyes." Toothless instructed. Hiccup sighed as he did what Toothless asked. "Take a deep breath." Toothless said. Hiccup took one and then let it out. "Relax your body. And I want you to tell me how you feel right now, what's going through your mind. Emotions, feelings, thoughts...Just, tell me it all." Toothless told him.

"I–I feel...lost, alone, scared...I'm hurt. And...I just...want them back. Its not...fair they were taken...I feel like...with them gone. I'm going to...forget everything they used to do for me...all the times they were there for me, and helped me...And...it hurts that...the last time they ever did it...really was...the last time and I'll never...get t–to feel it again." Hiccup let a few tears fall.

"Hiccup, its okay to feel and think those things. Because it makes it real to you, it means you've accepted this happened. You asked me the night the night they died if I could bring them back to life for you, to turn back the hands of time. And unfortunately...I cannot. But...I can do something else for you. I can make sure you never forget those good times, and I'm going to show you that while they may not be here with you anymore, that they are still always with you. There are ways of knowing that you are never alone." Toothless said lovingly.

"Ho–how?..." Hiccup asked him.

"I'll show you. First...I need you to clear your mind okay? I want you to...think about nothing else but your parents and you. The things they did for you, the things they said when you felt scared, alone, or hurt in the past before they died. And I need you to tell me how they used to comfort you, so you felt better afterwards. I want you to tell me about the times they were there for you, tell me your memories growing up with them." Toothless said.

Hiccup took another deep breath with his eyes closed remembering it all. "When...I was little. I used to get scared cuz my dad would yell at me for...not cleaning my room or picking up my toys in the living room...Gods...I used to think he hated me for so long, that I couldn't do anything right..." Hiccup paused a minute, "But my mom, she'd always come stand with me. She would...put her hand on my shoulder then...and tell me that it would be okay and not to worry. That daddy was...just stubborn...like a Viking and he'd come around later." Toothless noticed a small smile on Hiccup's face now.

"And if you ever got lost..." Toothless pressed further.

"I'd hear them...calling for me. Leading me towards them...They'd tell me it was okay and not to panic just listen to the sounds of their voices calling my name. That they were there...and would lead me back home safely." Hiccup lowered his head some but kept his eyes closed.

"What about...the times you were alone?" Toothless asked.

"Mom would...pull me close to her chest and dad...would hug me from behind. It was...always a comforting feeling. Like being in your arms, Tooth. Gods when they used to hug me at the same time...I felt like there was...a barrier protecting me from everything. I felt...safe with them and warm, like nothing could ever hurt me. Mom would...kiss my forehead and dad...the top of my head and remind me that I was never alone because they'd always be there for me no matter what." Hiccup replied trying not to cry again.

"Ssh, its okay. Don't fight it back, Hiccup. Crying will help...Now...You said you were feeling scared, alone, lost, and hurt right?...So I want you to just...relax. Just sit there and listen to everything around you...I want you to pretend that they are with you right now instead of me, and doing all those things you said they did. And just...imagine the feeling, and their words." Toothless said softly. "Don't speak, don't nod...just let your memories take you back..." Toothless told him.

Hiccup took a deep breath and began to think back to it all, his last 16 years with them and all they did when he felt those things. His memories played like a movie with perfect picture and sound. "What are you remembering?" Toothless asked him softly.

"The times...mom used to put her hand on my shoulder and tell me it'd be okay..." Hiccup replied. In that same moment he felt someone touching his shoulder, not a hard touch. Very light and soft giving a squeeze. He seemed to relax at the touch.

"How about a time when...you felt alone? Think about that, a time when you felt alone...like you do now." Toothless said. Hiccup brought those memories forward, yet instead of wanting to cry he smiled a little. He felt a warm breeze brush past him, then circle around him. A warmth on his face, like it was embracing him. "And a time you felt lost...remember that. Them calling you, telling you it was okay and you were safe, that they were there no matter what." Hiccup remembered the time he got lost in the woods behind his house and it was almost dark but he'd heard his parents leading him back home. Then something happened he didn't expect. He felt the sun on his face as 5 soft and warm winds blow by him, but he heard voices and what he heard brought tears to his eyes again.

"Its all going to be okay son."

"You're never alone."

"You are safe."

"We are right here."

"And we always will be."

He knew those voices, they belonged to his parents! How could...he hear them? Was he dreaming? That was all it took for Hiccup's eyes to snap open and look around but all he saw were their headstones but oddly enough there was still clouds in the sky. There was no sunshine so why did he feel the warmth of the sun around him? Why did...he hear their voices? Toothless put out his hand on Hiccup's shoulder as Hiccup turned and looked at him. The shock and confusion were easy to read. "To–Tooth...less...Wa–was that...y–you touching my shoulder like 4 minutes ago?" Hiccup asked.

He saw Toothless smile, then shake his head. "You felt it, didn't you? When you thought about being scared, feeling scared now like you told me you did. You felt someone touch your shoulder right? I know because watched your body tense up, then relax. "And when that warm wind came through here after I told you to think about feeling alone...You felt it surround you, because you smiled lightly. And just now...feeling lost, you heard something. That's why your eyes opened. If I'm wrong, let me know." Toothless asked.

"Y–you're not...wr–wrong but ho–..." Hiccup started.

"In fact when all that happened, I wasn't even near you. I was standing about 5 inches away behind you." Toothless told him gently. "They may be gone physically, Hayden. But they are always with you. You felt those feelings, those emotions just now, and you felt your parent's responses to them just like you used too." Toothless informed him.

"I–I felt it...When I...felt scared I felt someone touch my shoulder. And...feeling alone...I felt...like I was being embraced by both of them again. It was so warm...and secure. The warmth on my head and face...like they were kissing me like they used too." Hiccup looked back to the headstones now, "I heard them...talking to me when I felt lost. Telling me it was okay, that I wasn't alone. And...I'm safe, that they were right he–here...and always would be." Hiccup reached his hand forward and ran it across the engraving of his father's name, then his mother's on the other stone. Light tears fell from his eyes as a smile formed now.

"You may not be able to see them anymore, Hiccup. But you can still feel their love around you. This...is why I brought you here today instead of staying at the house and talking. You needed to accept they are gone from this world, and that they can't and aren't coming back to life. You needed to cry it out in front of them. You needed to admit how you felt with them gone. You had to admit these things before them so they know how you feel, so they can still be here for you. All need to do...is think about how it was and felt. And remember that as long as you don't forget how it used to be, then it will never become part of the past because they will always be with you for your present and future. I promise you this, Hiccup...That everywhere you go, no matter where you are. Your parents will always be with you. Forever." Toothless held his chin up so their eyes were meeting.

Hiccup threw his arms around Toothless's neck and hugged him tightly. Toothless wrapped his arms around Hiccup's waist and returned the hug fully. "Thank you...thank you so much, Toothless. I–I didn't...know I could...feel this happy again...And its all...because of you." Hiccup cried against him, but this time they were tears of joy. The two held the embrace a while before pulling back and Toothless pulled his phone out and called his father.

"We're ready dad." Toothless said, then hung it up. Not more than 10 minutes later, his father pulled up. Hiccup and Toothless had been sitting in the grass in front of the stones, Hiccup just talking to them with a smile on his face. "Dad is here, ready to leave?" Toothless asked him, Hiccup nodded and stood up then took Toothless's hand while they walked to the car. Toothless got in first and watched as Hiccup faced the stones again, a wide smile as the wind blew by. Hiccup's eyes closed.

"I love you both so much." Hiccup whispered. To his surprise, he got a response of "We love you too, Hayden."

"You okay?" Toothless asked him once he got in the car and buckled his seat belt.

"I'm...better than I have been in a long time, Toothless. You were right, I needed to do this. I needed this. Because I feel...a lot better than when I came. And I'm glad...you brought me here today even if you did blindfold me to do it. I wouldn't of come if I'd known. Thank you for pushing me...Thank you for everything. I feel...okay again and I know...everything is going to be just fine." Hiccup smiled at him then to Toothless's shock, Hiccup leaned in and kissed him gently then pulled back blushing bashfully. "Not a word, Tooth..." Hiccup warned jokingly as he sat back in the seat relaxing. Toothless blinked a few times as he heard his father clear his throat.

"Shut up dad...Ju–just drive." Toothless stammered a bit, he saw Hiccup giggle and couldn't help but smile himself. Their hands met in the middle of the back seats and intertwined with one another as Markus drove out of the cemetery and back home. Today had been a good day. And so totally worth it.