A/N: Sorry this took so long. I had an idea, forgot to write it down, then forgot it… then remembered it, forgot to write it down, then forgot it… and this time I finally remembered to write it down! Also I had an every-day-early-morning summer class that started after I posted the last chapter, which is another excuse for the gap. In essence: Sorry.

To Parabola: As far as I know, the only way to get a long-distance spell to Soren is to take the Meteor that Calill comes with and give it to someone who goes from the Royal Knights to the Greil Mercenaries - so Heather, Brom, Nephenee or Haar. I'm pretty sure that's the only way to do it, but I could be wrong.

Round Fifteen: Ike versus "Ike versus the Fourth Wall"; or, the Real Reason Ike and Soren Leave Forever

"You know what?" Ike was complaining to Soren as the two left the Tower, "That anon was totally right. Why does everyone think I'm stupid? I'm not stupid. Sure, I've done dumb things, but it's not my fault that Sephiran mind-wiped me and made me forget pretty much everything in the world before the game started."

"It's more of an in-story thing," Soren replied, although he was only half-listening. "It's called Flanderization, if I recall correctly. The fact that you're not exactly intelligent has been maximized for humorous potential. Sort of in the same way that Meg's only two lines have been to identify that she's a horrible unit, and also to let out an inhumane 'yeehaw.'"

"What about you?" Ike said, pouting.

"What about me?" Soren asked, preparing to murder some kittens.

"Oh. I get it now."

Their continuing dialogue was interrupted by the Queen Mother of Daein, Almedha, who ran over and gave Soren a bodily glomp. "Daaaarliiiiiing it's so nice to meet you! I'm your mummy, and you're my sweet baby boy!"

Soren looked like a cat that had been dropped into a bucket of ice water. Ike looked elated. "You're kidding! You're his mom? You're the ex-Mrs. Ashnard right? DUDE. I WAS RIGHT." He looked at the sky and shook his fist. "SCREW YOU, AUTHOR LADY! I'M NOT STUPID NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!"

Soren would have said something, but he was being choked by the hug.

"Awww, he knew the power of our love would reunite us once again," Almedha cooed, petting Soren's hair while using her other arm to keep him immobile. "What a smart young man you've picked up, Soren! Of course you can do better, but he knew that we were destined to be together!"

Ike was a little put out that she wasn't talking to him.

"Erk," said Soren.

"Let me explain how I figured it out," said Ike, deciding he was going to be happy no matter what. "You see, first Soren admitted he'd never met his parents. Then Ashnard was all like angry and he said something Soren had once said and I was like hey, this guy is Soren's dad! And it all kinda fell into place from there, y'know? So yeah, I totally figured it out. Everyone was complaining about it at the time but I was awesome and figured it out."

Almedha was ignoring him, braiding Soren's hair with flowers. Soren himself was turning blue. "We're going to have to cut your hair, precious boy, because you look like a girl," she purred happily. "But then again, if we cut it too short, then you'll look like your uncle Kurthnaga and won't that be just as silly? Oh my, what to do, what to do…"

Ike wasn't sure what to do. On the one hand, his boyfriend was being squeezed to death. On the other hand, he'd been reunited with his family. On the third hand, which Ike didn't actually have, this was all Ike's fault, sort of, so…

Then he spotted Pelleas sneaking away.

"Scapegoat!" Ike exclaimed, sprinting over and grabbing Pelleas in a fireman's carry, dragging him back over. "Your mom's taking over Soren!"

"She's not my real mother!" Pelleas protested weakly.

"But Soren's spent our entire time together fawning over me! I can't share him! Make her take you back!"

"I survived, so can Soren!"

Almedha gasped, looking up at Ike. "Darling Soren babykins, I believe your boy is trying to get a twin fantasy fulfilled," she said, actually smirking. "Do you want Mother to stop him?"

"Grk," said Soren, turning purple.

Ike dropped Pelleas. Pelleas was too shocked to catch himself.

"I am an idiot," Ike breathed. "By unearthing Soren's heritage, I've created a monster!"

"Some knowledge is better left unknown!" Pelleas wailed, declining to mention how he'd been the one who pointed Almedha in the correct direction. He'd really grown up over the course of the adventure. "You've doomed us all, Ike!"

"Pelleas my darling boy, if we cut your brother's hair, do you think it would turn curly like yours and your father's?" Almedha asked, completely ignoring the theatrics that were occurring.

"Yes, Mother," said Pelleas, defeated.

As Almedha pulled out a pair of scissors, Ike began screaming. And screaming, and screaming…

"Ike! Ike, wake up!"

Ike sat up straight, ripping his sleeping bag that had been wrapped tightly around him. "Where are we?" he demanded, terrified.

Both of Soren's eyebrows were raised almost to his hairline. "The Tower. We're resting before confronting the goddess. Are you all right?"

Ike almost cried. "Then it's too late… I've already set it all into motion…"

"What are you talking about?"

Ike shook his head, unable to put the terror into words. "Soren, when we're done here… We should leave Tellius, and never, ever come back."

"All based on a dream?"

"Almedha is your mother. She'll cut your hair! She'll make Pelleas your brother!"

Soren nodded somberly. "I'll pack our bags."

In the next sleeping bag over, Pelleas squealed with joy. "They remembered who I am!"