Chapter 16

"…Ren…Ren…" Ren groaned heavily as Yoh's voice rang in his head but he didn't bother to acknowledge it with any further response. He knew Yoh wasn't really there, it was just his voice, which has been occupying his head all day along with Faust's and Hao's voices. These very few people, who were aware of the Ren's distressed state, have made it very clear that they have strong opinions… regardless of whether or not the young Chinese wanted to hear what they thought or not. Everything they said seemed to have affected Ren in a way that made their words get stuck in the vocalist's head. All the while the band worked that whole day, he withstood their loathsome voices and ignored what felt like their reproach bouncing about the walls of his skull.

But whether it be Yoh or Faust or Hao didn't matter at all. There was one voice that messed with him more than the rest. One voice he couldn't fight as it screamed, echoed, clawed and circled his brain, forbidding the Chinese from ever forgetting. His friends threw so many questions and criticisms, but none haunted him like two words that came from that voice. Two words demanded Ren's sanity more than any of them combined. It only took two words for that particular voice to get to him.

Ren could still somewhat hear Yoh, ever so faintly, so faint that he couldn't really make out what he's saying. Not that he really cared since the brunette wasn't really there anyway. In fact, he told himself that he didn't care enough for it to matter that he couldn't lift his eye lids because they were so heavy. They felt as heavy as his whole body, his head feeling like it's sinking. And he let it sink, he let himself drift off. He didn't feel like he had another choice. Like his body was thinking with him, wanting to get away, go anywhere away from that voice.

Yoh staggered to his bed while holding Ren up by an arm slung over his shoulder, and let the Chinese slide down quietly on the mattress. The younger man didn't even stir as he lie still in gentle breathing. Yoh sat on the edge of his bed and gazed down at the man who slept through whatever it is that he wanted to escape from. Yoh knew that's what his friend wanted—an escape. Not that he could blame the young man. He knew he has contributed to making Ren feel that way. He just didn't think it would get this bad. He only knows now because he found the vocalist like this, and how he found him, in this ill state, was just sheer luck.

It began when tomorrow's schedules have slightly changed. Manta was giving word to everyone in the band, but he couldn't get a hold of Ren from his phone because the vocalist wouldn't pick up. He tried going to Ren's room but it seemed he wasn't there. The manager then went to Yoh to see if he knew where the Chinese was. This perplexed the brunette. He would understand Ren ignoring him, for reasons that were only obvious between himself and the vocalist, but he couldn't see why he wouldn't take Manta's calls. It wasn't like the Tao to ignore calls for no reason, especially if it involved work. And he couldn't think of any reasons for Ren to be out of his room so late when he knows that they start early tomorrow. It wasn't like him to be so irresponsible. And when Yoh saw that Manta was already very tired, he told the manager to leave the pursuit of Ren to the brunette while he got himself some rest. Manta thanked him and once he left, the guitarist went downstairs to the lobby. He stood there for a while as he thought about what to do since he didn't know where to even start searching. It's not like they were home, so he didn't know where the Chinese would want to go. And after some thought, Yoh pulled out his cell phone, though he was very doubtful that Ren would pick up any of his calls. But what shocked him was not that Ren had picked up, because he hadn't. Yoh caught the ring tone of the unanswered phone, making him realize that the Chinese was close by the lobby, if not in it. Yoh followed the sound while it kept ringing, to track down where it came from. And it came from the hotel's bar.

By the time of Yoh's discovery, Ren was already knocked out by his likely incessant drinking. So Yoh paid for it and carried the vocalist away. He couldn't find the key to his friend's room, and assumed Ren had either lost it or left it in his room, so Yoh brought him to his own. And now, here they were. Yoh made a mental note that he will arrange for another room key for Ren tomorrow morning, and let the Chinese stay at his room for tonight. The smaller man didn't seem to be in any condition to be disturbed, and that wasn't just about the alcohol. In fact, Ren was so brutally run over by reality, so far up against its wall, that he had chosen to seek escape from drinks at a bar—how cliché, thought Yoh. It made the guitarist look down at Ren in solemn pity.

Only one person made him like this. Only one man made him so in need. And the thought of that made Yoh get up from the bed, and pick up the phone.

"Hello?" Came Horohoro's voice and it relieved Yoh, even though it wasn't an hour where he should doubt the bluenette of picking up.

"Hello, Horo? It's me."

"Yoh?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Just thought I'll see how you're doing. We didn't really get to talk after…what happened." Yoh heaved an uneasy sigh. "Did Hao tell you?" He asked with some edge on his voice, his irritation towards his brother being reminded from bringing up the subject.

"Yeah." Horohoro also sighed irritably, unintentionally making Yoh feel guilty for the trouble his twin put them through.

"Has he always been like that?" The bluenette suddenly asked and Yoh chuckled.

"You should've seen him in high school."

"Damn, I can't believe you guys are even related."

"Sometimes I can't either,"

"And he's supposed to be the older one?"

"Supposedly." Yoh said in playful jest and the two laughed, though the brunette made sure he wasn't too loud so as not to wake Ren. There was then a pause, suddenly both men not saying a word on both sides. One could say that it's because their recent incident was still making everything awkward, even though it's already been cleared up that it wasn't even their fault. But Yoh had a feeling that Horohoro had something to say, he was just fumbling. After some waiting, the Ainu broke the heavy-handed air with a sigh.

"Does Ren know?" He murmured nervously and Yoh smiled.

"Yeah, I talked to him."

"That's good… Thanks." Yoh could hear it in Horohoro's voice that it bothered him to not be able to be there. He knows that Ren was hurt and he couldn't be there to fix anything. Yoh can even guess that it bothered Horohoro that he had to have the guitarist do it instead, and that the bluenette probably thinks that he probably wouldn't have been able to do it anyway. Yoh glanced back at Ren to make sure he was still sleeping. Laying eyes on him again made him think about how Horohoro has no idea about how badly hurt the Chinese really is. He didn't know how much fixing he really needed, and he didn't know that Yoh wasn't the one who can do it.

"You think I changed him, don't you?" Yoh suddenly began. "You think I changed Ren when I met him in high school." Nothing came from Horohoro but Yoh didn't need him to say anything.

"Maybe I did." The brunette mused with a shrug, like it was a long forgotten matter. "But you changed him too, you know." There was still silence on the other side, and he knew the Ainu was having a hard time believing him.

"You really did. I've seen sides of him I didn't think I'd ever see until you came along. I just think…it's hard for him to keep up with it himself." Yoh sighed again, and took another quick look at his drunk, passed out friend. He thought it was strange that he feels the way he feels right now. He was in many ways happy for Ren, happy that these changes were happening to him because they were supposed to be good. But at the same time, the guitarist felt dumb as he stood by while Ren endured the side affects. He felt helpless, even though Horohoro is probably the one who felt even more so.

"You know what I really used to hate?" Horohoro spoke up and Yoh let him go on, not knowing what this could be about, except that it was still essentially about Ren.

"You and Ren always had this connection. Just this sort of understanding of each other. Like there was this domain no on else can step into. That I couldn't step into. I wanted that same thing with Ren, but whenever I saw the one he had with you, I always felt like it'd never happen with me."

"Horo…I never meant for you to feel that way." Yoh said uneasily because truth be told, he was well aware of what Horohoro was talking about. He always knew he and Ren had this special connection and he even knew about Horohoro staring at it with deep, deep yearning. He always knew that the bluenette wanted to take it because he knew he couldn't destroy it. Yoh knew that the Ainu didn't have it in him to do both. Horohoro knew that too.

"I know you didn't. And I don't mean for you to feel bad either." Yoh's face clouded to Horohoro's sincerity. The bluenette didn't sound reproachful because he wasn't trying to be. That much the guitarist knew, and the Ainu didn't have to tell him that he wasn't being blamed for anything. The bluenette was just telling the truth, there was nothing more to it and it wasn't meant to hurt the guitarist. But that alone made Yoh feel like apologizing, even though he knew he doesn't need to.

"I know it's really stupid but I was jealous of you, Yoh. That connection you had with Ren… I felt like you had something I couldn't have. So I wanted something better."

"What'd you mean by better?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to be like you but…I wanted to be more. I wanted myself to mean more to Ren than you do. We were friends but there was always this part of me I couldn't shake off."

"Gotta admit…that is pretty stupid." Yoh chuckled and Horohoro laughed along, but the brunette can tell it was forced, just like his own.

"Yeah, I know. And you know what's even more stupid?"

"…What?" Horohoro's tone made Yoh unsure if he really wanted to hear this.

"One day, I realized that it's not that I wanted to beat you. I wanted something better than you had with Ren because…I wanted Ren. It's Ren that I wanted, I wanted all of him, that's the feeling I couldn't shake off. That's why I couldn't shake it off. But I never felt like I was better than you, or that I ever will be. And then I thought I can never have him…because you did." There was a pause. Yoh's eyes widened like he was staring into the barrel of a gun that just fired a bullet, and it penetrated him without a sound. He felt himself know the truth that it wasn't just Ren who chased his friend away. The truth that Yoh couldn't see even if the bluenette had laid it out right in front of him that fateful morning. That's why he left.

You mean a lot to him. He has you.

As if he was there at that bus stop again, Yoh opened his mouth a few times in attempts to speak, but each time nothing came out and only prolonged the silence. The brunette was once again caught up in himself, fumbling on whatever it was that hung at the back of his throat. All this talk about the bluenette leaving—well, just this subtle mentioning of it—seems to have made Yoh feel the need to say something important.

"Hey, Horo," The guitarist began in a forlorn voice, "you remember when you said you're gonna go back to Hokkaido for good one day?"

"Yeah… Yeah, I remember."

I'm done.

There it goes again, those damn words and his voice, and Ren's face cringes as he begins to regain consciousness. But his body didn't seem to be so awake, feeling so heavy the Chinese didn't want to raise a single limb. He didn't know if he couldn't move his body or if he just didn't want to. Either way, he didn't care, and he just lie still with eye lids that wouldn't even open all the way. Like he wasn't quite ready to surface to reality yet, and he could go on back to sinking again.

Ren immediately realized that he was lying in a bed and assumed that it was his, although he couldn't remember bringing himself there or even leaving the bar. He could almost laugh at himself for doing something so uncharacteristic, and then ending up like this. Maybe he could laugh if it was really that funny.

Ren doesn't intend to deny that it's been rough lately. The young Chinese can understand Yoh's right to criticizing him, as harsh as it was, since he was somewhat involved. Maybe he can even find some sense in Hao expressing his views, because Ren knew he only did it out of concern for his brother. That and also because he was just curious and the brunette never cared if an issue was any of his business or not, he'd stick his head in if he wanted, so long as he was interested. But Faust? Ren didn't think he would have so much to say. He thought the bassist didn't even know what was going on. Ren couldn't even respond to his words, he just left the bassist's room in defeated silence. And now, Manta is probably the only oblivious one, unless Ren was transparent enough for the naïve manager to see through him too. That would be most pathetic, especially when things were bad enough already.

When the day was long over along with work, the vocalist was sitting at a bar with a glass, which kept going empty as he sent its contents down his throat. His face twisted to the strong taste he didn't usually have. But he didn't care that it made his throat and guts burn. He didn't care because he thought, maybe the fire will wash away that man's voice from his head. That's why he was there.

He didn't have much, but it didn't take a lot of the stuff to start working through his system. He knows how stupid it was for him to take in so much of it when he was such a light-weight, especially when Oversoul had work again from tomorrow morning. He hated the mere thought of possibly having to bear with a hangover migrane along with that damn voice. And to think, it only took two words coming from one man to make him do something so stupid. Just thinking about that kept making Ren have his glass filled again.

But now, he felt like he should get up to check what time was on the clock.

"Horohoro," Ren's eyes widened when he heard Yoh's voice from the other room, and he couldn't get himself to lift his body. What was the brunette doing here? When did he even let the guitarist in? And did he just say Horohoro? He's here? Why? In mere seconds, too many questions filled Ren's head.

"Don't leave again. Please." Ren wanted to believe that he heard that wrong. He found himself holding his breath as he waited to hear Horohoro's response. But there was just silence stretching on for a while and he remained lying on the bed, unable to move.

"No, no, don't apologize. It's just, with all the stuff that's been going on lately… Yeah, I remember." Ren wondered if he had missed anything Horohoro had said. Then, there was a pause.

"I get it. I'd never be able to stop you, right?... But it doesn't really have to be like that." After a while, Yoh was speaking again and Ren just kept getting more confused. There was another pause and Ren waited to hear something from Horohoro.

"…Ok, have it your way." Yoh said quietly and there was a soft click. Ren finally figured out that the guitarist had been on the phone. He then listened to his foot steps approach him until they stopped at the bed, and felt the mattress sink a bit as Yoh sat next to him. Ren had his eyes closed and pretended to be asleep, so the guitarist had no idea that his friend had been listening.

"Looks like you're the only one who can stop him. You've always been the only one." Yoh murmured and gently stroked Ren's dark hair. His words made it difficult to breathe but Ren couldn't let his cover blow. He soon felt the mattress rise as Yoh got up from the bed, and listened to his footsteps walk away from him. The sound eventually disappeared after the closing of the door.

TSUDZUKU

Daydreamer: Sorry about how short the chapter is, despite how important it is. The next couple of chapters might end up being short too but I promise to make them worth reading.
I don't know why but I always imagined Ren to be a light weight. He just doesn't seem like the kind of guy who could handle a lot of drinking. And I remember I've made him drink in another story because of Horohoro hurting him. Geez, it's like I wanna turn him into an alcoholic (but I don't, I really don't). Anyway, I hope this was enjoyable, even if it was pretty short.
Also, I would like to thank everyone who have been reviewing my stories lately. Not just this one but my older ones too. Support like that always keeps me motivated to keep writing. Thank you all so much! And if you don't mind, keep reviewing this story, give me any kind of feedback whether it be constructive criticism or something you'd like to say about the story. Thanks again!