"There can't be feelings attached." His voice is firm, without even a hint of playfulness. He's serious and for the first time since I've been on this road trip with him, I can't hear any quaking in his voice. Usually when he's talking to me, I can read the emotion expressed on his face and I can pick out the emotion in his voice. Sometimes the emotion I hear in his voice doesn't match his face and I can tell when he's bluffing to get through something. But for the first time, I can honestly say the seriousness on his face matches the seriousness and firmness that is in his voice. Why is he saying that we can't have feelings for each other? What would be so bad if I actually did like him? If he actually liked me? I swallow a small lump in my throat and fight off the fact that my stomach is burning just a little bit. I just don't understand what he's saying. We've been talking for a couple minutes and I swear the whole time we were talking, I completely understood everything he was saying and everything he was suggesting, I agreed with. When he said that he wasn't mad at me but he was mad at himself. I understood that. I understood when he said that I made it hard for him to stop earlier. I understood that. But I don't understand what he means when he says that we CAN'T have feelings for each other.
"Why?" I ask him. I think I might possibly know why he doesn't want to be anything more than my friend, but I need to hear it come from his mouth. I need to know for sure. I think he's basically saying that he doesn't want me as anything more than his friend. I get that much, I really do. I'm not unbelievably pretty, I'm not the sexiest woman alive and let's face it, I'm not exactly anybody's first choice for a girlfriend. If he thinks I'm ugly, I'd rather him just say it. I swear to god, I wouldn't be the least bit offended if he just told me that we can't have feelings attached because I'm not anything he's looking for in his girlfriend. I'd respect his honesty. I already respect the fact that he told me exactly what it is; that we're only interested in each other because he's a boy and I'm a girl and he has a penis and I have a vagina and that's just it. Still and yet, I want to hear it come out of his mouth…if he'll admit it, that is.
"Because, Jo!" The sudden change of tone in his voice makes me jump back just a little. He didn't scare me really, I just wasn't expecting him to yell all of a sudden when he's been nothing but tame so far. "Have you even thought about the fact that his is going to be over soon?!" I open my mouth to ask him what's going to be over soon, but he cuts me off without even letting me get a word in. "No…you didn't. You didn't think Jo. I know you didn't. Because this is OVER in two weeks…this is over. You're going to go back to your life and I'm going to go back to mine and that's IT. I'm staying in California and you're going to Massachusetts. It's over Jo. That's why there can't be feelings attached. We won't see each other again after when this is over. This is just a trip. This isn't some vacation. This is a trip so that I can get to where I need to be so I can ship you off to where you need to be. We're not…soulmates or whatever. We're not going to marry each other, we're not going to be together forever. You're just a girl that I decided to help out and I'm just an asshole that you got in the car with. That's all."
"I get it." I shrug my shoulders and look down at the marble tile that makes the bathroom floor. I don't know whether to be glad that my reasoning was wrong or be pissed that his excuse freaking sucks. I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand what he's saying and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about this as well. Of course I thought about what's going to happen once this trip is over. I know that me and Alex probably won't remain friends…or whatever we are to each other. I thought about this too. But for him to say that we can't have feelings for each other is absurd, I think. I don't feel like arguing with him about this though and while I don't particularly like it, he has a point. "We can be friends though…whatever. I'll be your friend. I think that's what's best at this point." I admit. I guess I'm glad that he has an actual excuse though. I guess I'm glad it's not because he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend—although if that was the actual reason, I don't think he'd tell me anyway—but it's nice that he has an excuse. "But…" I sigh and stand up on my tiptoes so I can reach him. I lean forward and press my lips against his for what seems like is going to be the last time. "…Now we can be friends."
I sigh again and turn around so I can go back to the guest room to try and sleep this off. I literally feel like I have no life left after this conversation. I feel like I was a basketball, all hard and mighty and strong. But I feel like this conversation stuck a needle in my side and deflated me. I don't have any energy left in me. How does he figure that us not having feelings for each other is the best course of action to take? How does he figure that he can tell me how the hell I should feel? If I knew that conversation was going to end the way it did, I wouldn't have even gone in the bathroom to talk to him. I make it back to the guest room and climb into the bed. Also, if I knew that earlier while we were cuddling and touching each other the way we were was going to be the last time I'd be able to cuddle with him and touch him, I would've treated it so much differently. First of all, I would've made myself get over my nervousness and I for sure would've gone down on him the way I wanted to. And I definitely wouldn't have stopped him when he got me close. I would've just let him make me if I knew we weren't going to do that again. And I probably wouldn't have acted so nonchalant. I would've made the most of that time. I just figured that I'd have many more opportunities to go down on him, to let him make me orgasm, to actually enjoy myself. I didn't know that my first opportunity would've been my last.
Honestly...I thought that if I had enjoyed that the way I wanted to enjoy that, my head would've popped off. I thought that I was doing myself a favor by scaling it down and pretending to be interested in the movie while he was touching me because if I had made it as big a deal as it actually was to me, I would've screamed and I would've flipped out and I would've exploded in a pile of happiness. And I probably would've thrown up. I'm just scared that it'll happen again honestly. I'm scared that if I let myself feel the way I want to feel while I'm around Alex, I'll end up throwing up every single time. I really thought I was doing myself a favor when I was acting disinterested. I guess I wasn't.
"Does your offer still stand though?" I hear his voice speak out through the darkness. I turn to the side so I'm facing the door and squint my eyes in an attempt to see him through the darkness. He's standing in the doorway with his pillow tucked under his arm. I sit up in the bed and just look at him. How could I say no? He's standing in the doorway like a child, holding his pillow and asking his mommy to sleep in the bed as if he's afraid of monsters under his own. Just because I know he can't see me, I mouth the word "aww" to myself and smile. He can't make out my face because I can't make out his, but the two of us can make out shadows and movements. I scoot over in the bed and pull the covers back as a silent form of "yes." He shuts the door and comes over to the bed on the side I cleared out for him. "Thanks." He mumbles as he makes himself comfortable between the sheets. I nod my head and make myself comfortable as well.
"…Do you really think we won't still be friends after this?" I lie down flat on my back and stare up at the ceiling. I won't lie, that comment has been bothering me ever since he said it. I know that once we get to California things will be different. I know that he's starting his own life when we get there and I know that he plans on giving me money for a plane ticket to get to Massachusetts. Ii know it won't be the same as it is now, but I kind of envisioned us still being friends in a way. Does he really think we won't be? "We can be long distance friends. I can text you to see if you're okay and you can text me. Does the distance really mean we can't be friends? I don't…" I sigh and hold back tears. "I don't ever want to stop being your friend, Alex. You saved my life…how do we just stop being friends after that?"
"I'm not saying that I won't still think of you, Jo." He slides his leg up and bends his knee. I think he's looking at me but I refuse to turn my head and look at him when I have tears welling up in my eyes. "You were a pain in my ass at times but you really are my best friend. I've only been talking to you for the last week and you already know more about me than most people do. We're always going to be buddies, that won't change. And yeah, you can always text me or call me if you need anything while you're doing your thing at Harvard. You can still talk to me. But let's be honest, you're gonna be busy…I'm gonna be busy. Before we know it, we'll forget about each other and this trip will just be a story to tell someday. You can always text me though…that won't ever change."
"I don't think I'll ever forget this trip. I'm only 23…and in twenty years when I'm 43, I'll still remember. I'll remember you. I can't just forget somebody that went into a burning building for me." I finally have a control on the tears, so I turn my head and our eyes meet. He's listening to me so intently that he's not even blinking as much as he should be. He's just listening. "And I gave up on Harvard...I'm not going. I mean…I still want to go to Massachusetts and see if I can find a job out there to hopefully pay my deposit. But I've kind of already got it in my head that it's not going to happen. I might've been okay if none of this had happened with my house and the store and stuff. But there's theoretically no possible way that I'm going to be able to save up enough money by the time they want it. I kind of already know that I'm not going but I don't think I'd like myself very much if I didn't at least try and make it work."
"Why aren't you going? You can't just give up, Jo. It's possible for you to save up that money. It's possible. Don't count it out. Why do you think it's so impossible?"
"Because it is, Alex…" I put my tongue in my cheek. "I got accepted into Harvard three…almost four months ago. They gave me six months to pay the money before they give my spot away. I did everything I needed to do to get in. I passed my MCATs with flying colors, I did 70 hours' worth of volunteer work at Princeton Children's, I kept my GPA at a 4.34 throughout college…I did everything I needed to do and I really wasn't expecting them to ask me for money. But the only reason they did is because Harvard's prestigious and they only take the serious students. And they bypassed the waiting list to let me in." I sigh just thinking about it. Going to medical school was my goal from the start. I changed my career choice so many times throughout the years, but it was always some kind of doctor. As a freshman in high school, I wanted to be a pediatrician. As a sophomore, it was an obstetrician. Junior year, I wanted to be a pediatric oncologist but I realized that I didn't want to deal with cancer kids dying on me, so I switched to an orthopedist senior year. But no matter what, med school was always the goal. I got into my dream school and I can't even go. "If it was $1,200, I probably could swing it. But they're asking for $4,500…"
"You can do it Jo…don't give up." He looks me square in my eyes. "Don't give up. You can make that money and you know you can. But if you give up then you're just quitting. You're giving up on everything you ever wanted. I can see that this is something you really want and you're so headstrong and independent…you can do it. You can't quit yourself and you can't quit your dream. Imagine where everyone would be if they just gave up on their dream. Don't doubt yourself and don't give up." I sigh and look away from him. I mean, I guess I could just work my ass off. I could go to Massachusetts and get two jobs and work my ass off…and hope that I'll make that money in time. He's right. I could. But…I don't know. What if I can't? "…You graduate med school and I'll personally fly out to be at your graduation."
"Thought you said we won't remember each other by then." The fact that he just told me that he'd be willing to fly across the country just to watch me graduate med school makes me smile. I kind of just want to go to Massachusetts and work my ASS off just so I can give him something to come watch. I'd like it if he came to watch me graduate from med school.
"Well as long as you don't forget me…" He smiles at me too. But his smile is so off-kilted and goofy. It's like he doesn't really know exactly how to smile naturally so he just gives a slight smirk. I think it's cute. "If you still remember me by then, make sure you send me a text or a card or something to say you graduated. I'll buy a first-class ticket to Boston just to watch you walk across the stage. And if your husband or boyfriend doesn't mind, I'll even take you to dinner. You can hold me to this promise. But you have to graduate. You can't give up."
"..Deal." I bawl my hand up into a fist and hold it up. He bumps his fist against mine as our own personal form of shaking hands on the deal. "…Was it ever hard for you to keep going? You're a…writer. Was that ever hard?" I don't know if I should be talking to him about this or not. He always seems so hesitant to talk to me about Michael Evans. I don't know if I should ask him about it or not. "If so…how'd you tell yourself it was okay? Because I gotta be honest, I can't keep picking myself up all the time. So how'd you pick yourself up?"
"Well…in the beginning…I had my dad." He kind of shrugs his shoulders but it looks weird because he's lying down. "It is hard, you know? To be an author, I mean. You gotta put yourself out there. I had three companies turn me down before someone picked me up. And I mean yeah, it gets hard…it gets real hard to keep listening to people tell you 'no'. But in the beginning when I was just starting out, I had my dad. And he's a big part of the reason I got into it." He doesn't seem to be shying away from talking about being a writer anymore. Does this mean he's starting to get comfortable around me? "My dad was the one that sent in my first manuscript because I was too afraid of rejection to do it myself. He just did it one day and it took off from there. And then I started to become more and more confident. I always told myself that I wouldn't be selling millions of books if there wasn't something about them that was good, you know? So that was a big confidence booster."
"But I don't have anyone. I don't have parents to support me, friends to support me. I don't have people…so then what?" I sit up and lie back down on my side, propping myself up on my elbow.
"You have me…" He says in a voice pretty low. "I support you. I'm not letting you give up on going to med school, so that's support…isn't it? I support you. And I'm telling you that you have what it takes to go through with it. Jo, you're smart. You're brilliant. I don't understand why you can't see it when everybody else does. You're so smart. It'll be a shame to watch you let it go to waste. I'm telling you not to give up, I'm telling you that you're going to medical school. I support you. Don't say you have nobody. I'm your friend and I support you."
"I meant…like…I don't have anybody to give me that extra push. You had your dad to submit your work when you were too afraid to. I don't have somebody to push me into it. I don't have somebody to fall back on. I don't have people to give me that extra push. You did."
"I see what you're saying." He shifts his position so he's sitting up on his elbow and looking at me as well. "You'll figure it out though. You're smart, you'll get it all figured out. And once you figure it out, it'll be all worth it. I promise."
"I mean yeah…you figured it out." I raise my eyebrows at him in a teasing fashion. "Mr. Hard-Ass is actually the biggest romance writer of the freaking century. Tries to act like he's the big bad wolf when in reality, he's the softest teddy bear in the toy store."
"Yeah, yeah…settle down." He shakes his head at me and sighs. "I'm done writing though, so maybe I'm a bad example."
"Wait…what?! Why are you done writing?!" I look at him with so much intensity. He can't be done writing. He's freaking GENIUS at writing stories. How could he just stop?!
"I don't have a reason to anymore…and I don't really have anything to write about." He explains.
"So…you're giving up, but you're telling me not to?!"
"Writing isn't like getting into med school, Jo. If I don't have any inspiration, I can't write about something. It's not like I need to write, I just choose to. I'm giving it up though. It's not fun for me anymore." I can see the pain written on his face. I think he might be telling a lie to me. I don't think he wants to give up writing. I don't think he's lying about it not being fun, but I think he's lying when he says that he's just willingly giving up. There's a reason why he's giving up. I can see that on his face. "We need to go to bed. I have to drive tomorrow….all the way down to Wichita." He lies down flat against the bed and pulls covers over himself. "Night Jo."
"…Wait." I put my hand on his chest to stop him from settling in. "…Can we start being friends tomorrow? Or…or can we try that cuddling thing again as friends?" I ask him straight out. I have to admit that I wish what happened on the touch tonight never escalated further than us just holding each other the way we were. I actually liked lying against his chest and feeling his arms around me. I liked that more than the actual fingering and touching thing, actually. I miss that. I want to go back to that. I feel like tonight would've ended so much differently if we never tried to escalate things further than just cuddling with one another.
"…Yeah." He nods his head and turns over on his side. "Let's try this again." He holds up the covers so I can easily adjust my position and welcomes me over to him with open arms. I scoot over so I'm closer to him and let myself fall into his arms. He wraps one of his arms around my waist and starts smuggling the other one underneath of my body too. I lift myself to make it easier and now, both his arms are around my waist. I tuck my arms underneath my body and rest my hands flat against his chest. I put my head in the crease between his shoulder and his chest and close my eyes. He puts his chin on top of my head and since his hands are resting against my lower back, his fingertips start tracing the little bit of exposed skin on it. "Your hair smells good." He says, his voice muffled because his chin is against my head and he didn't move it before he started talking.
"Thanks." To reciprocate the fact that he's rubbing my back, I start dragging my hands along his chest as well. He's making me so sleepy by rubbing my back. "…Alex?" I call his name just to make sure he's still there. I have something to tell him but I'm falling asleep as I'm about to say it. Since my head is against his chest, his voice is loud and booming in my ear. He mumbles "hmm" to let me know he's listening. "...You can't give up writing." The smell of his skin and his shirt is hypnotizing me. I can't stay awake much longer. "I…won't…" This is the fastest I've fallen asleep in years. "Let you…" My voice trails off and for the first time in a very long time…
I don't have to fight to go to sleep.
Alex's Point of View.
"Josephine Elizabeth Wilson…" I brace the phone against my ear using my shoulder and start rummaging through my backpack full of clothes. I don't know why I was expecting this to be easier than what it's proving to be, but I really didn't know that I was going to have to jump through all these damn hurdles just to do this. I was expecting this to be just a little simpler. "No, she's not my wife…" It doesn't seem like they're going to let me do this if I'm of no relation to her. So it looks like I'm going to have to lie a bit. "She's my daughter." I cringe when I think about Jo being my daughter. I'm in no way, shape or form old enough to be her father but the thought just freaks me out a bit. That's creepy. "May 5th, 1992." They really want me to freaking prove that she's my daughter. "She graduated from Princeton last summer. She's 23 years old." The lady seems like she's letting up a bit. "No, I don't know her social security number off the top of my head but if you wait a while, I can get it."
I can't get her social security number but I'm hoping that this woman will just tell me that she doesn't need it. I'm just trying to prove that Jo's my daughter. "I don't know where she was…she's adopted. We adopted her when she was ten." I really can't find what I'm looking for in my bag. "No, I don't know her admitted student ID number…I'm actually trying to pay this as a…a late birthday gift. It's a surprise, I don't want her to know." I pull that excuse out of my ass. Finally, thank freaking GOD. She's letting up. "Yes, I know there's a hold on her admission. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to pay." Finally, I find it. "Um…can you pull her file and tell me how much she owes?" Ii pull my wallet out of the bag and throw it on the ground. "$4,936.79 for the spot in the program? And an additional $545.66 admissions fee?" The lady on the phone lets me know that I heard her right. "For a total of 5482.45?" Damn. I don't even think Jo knew exactly how expensive this is. WOW. "Credit card payment. Do you take over-the-phone payments?" I grab my platinum card and look down at the numbers. "4000-1234-5678-9010." I read the numbers off the back of my card. "0809." I give her the four digits off the back. "12/23." I also give her the expiration date. "You can send her information to 1123 Pacific Avenue in Long Beach, California. She'll get it there." FINALLY! "Thank you, ma'am. Have a nice day." I politely say and hang the phone up. So Jo's going to med school…officially, she's going to med school.
I stuff all my things back into my backpack and zip it up. I open the door and leave out of the bathroom. I don't know when I should tell her what I just did, but I'll tell her eventually. I just want to make sure she wouldn't be mad at me for it. Jo's just so independent and so stubborn. I don't know if she'll be mad at me for paying this money for her but I will say one thing; I don't regret it. I'm not letting her give up on her dream. If I let her give up, then this trip was useless. She can't just not go to med school. I won't let her. I open the door to the guest room back up and drop my backpack on the ground next to her things. She's still in bed fast asleep. I hate to wake her up when she's sleeping so soundly but we have to get going within the next hour if we're going to make it to Wichita by dark. I stand beside the bed and sit down in the empty spot I left when I woke up this morning. All night last night, she slept in my arms. She didn't move, she didn't budge, she didn't even snore. She just slept right in my arms all night. "Jo." I rub her back to wake her. "…Wake up, Jo. Wake up…" I really wish I could lean down and kiss her right on her cheek as she wakes up but I remind myself that I'm trying to keep this friendly. "Jo…" I keep rubbing her back.
She lifts her head up very slowly. "Hmmm?" She sounds like she's mad, probably mad that I woke her up.
"Sorry…but you've gotta get up. We're leaving…" How does she look so perfect at any given time? She just woke up and she looks like she just stepped off a runway. Her wavy, bouncy hair is strewn all over her head but it falls in a way that makes it look like she styled it to do that. Her eyes are big but groggy with sleep and even though she has red sleep lines all over the side of her face, she looks like she's ready to model some more. "…You've got a little drool on your cheek." I point it out and reach out to wipe it. She pushes my hand away and wipes it herself. She's embarrassed that she drooled but she shouldn't be. I didn't think her drool was gross, it was cute. "You slept hard."
"I did…" She looks like she's still struggling to fully wake up. She missed a spot of drool so I reach out again to wipe it but again, she swats my hand away. "Come on, stop… I never drool." She's so embarrassed that I start laughing. "I really never drool, I don't know what happened. Don't make fun of me." She keeps wiping and I'm still laughing. "Stop it… it was a good sleep. I haven't slept that good in forever. I was knocked out."
"No…no, I totally get it. Good sleeps are like that sometimes. I'm not making fun of you. You drooled…that's how I know it was a good sleep." She's still wiping her face off to make sure she doesn't miss anything else and I just watch her. "…You didn't move last night either. You were just knocked out." As for me, I didn't sleep much last night. The way I was holding her prevented me from getting a really restful sleep. She didn't move at all last night which meant that I couldn't move because I didn't want to disturb her slumber. I'm a mover while I sleep. So last night's sleep wasn't ideal for me, but she slept well and that's all that I really care about. She yawns and blows her breath all out. She doesn't even have morning breath. Or maybe she does but she's too perfect for me to even notice it. "My mom's making breakfast…we can eat and then leave, alright?" She nods her head. "Alright. Get dressed. I'll meet you downstairs." I stand up from the bed but she grabs my wrist and pulls.
"Wait, Alex…" Her voice is so innocent, like she's begging me not to leave. I stop trying to walk away and I look down at her. "..I…I slept on it." She starts out looking directly in my eyes but when she starts to talk, she looks down. My phone buzzes from a text message in my back pocket but I'm too busy listening to her talk to get it. "And I think…" She bites her lip. "…I think that… I think that if two people have mutual attraction, then maybe it's just not meant for them to be friends. And I think that if those two people were careful, they could make it work…if there are feelings involved." She ends up looking in my eyes again. "I think those two people should probably just make the time they have left together count because it's limited. I don't think those two people—or anybody, for that matter—should have to fight their feelings if the feelings are there." She looks away again. "That's just what I think."
I push the home button on my phone to see what the text message I just got was about. And the only thing I can do after hearing her say that and after reading the text I just got is exactly what I do. I lean down and put my lips against her forehead. I rub the back of her neck while I kiss her forehead and pull away. "I'll meet you downstairs." I say again. She nods her head and keeps her head down. I turn around and leave out the guest room. Before I start walking down the stairs to be with my mom, her husband and Amber, I put my head down on the bannister next to the steps. What the hell did I just do? WHAT did I just do? I reach my hands up and pull my hair so hard that I give myself a headache. WHAT DID I JUST DO?! I just got a friggin' text message. I got THE text message. I just made a mistake. I fucked up big time. I just made the biggest mistake of my life…
I have my bank and my cards set up to send text messages to my phone once a transaction has been made on either of my cards. I set it up like that just to be safe, so I'd know any time money was taken off my card. And I just got the text message that told me that $5482.45 was just taken off my platinum card. I screwed up. I screwed up. I paid her deposit, I paid for her to attend and now she has to go. The money is nonrefundable, the lady told me that on the phone. I just paid for her to go to med school. I'm going to California and I just paid for her to go to Massachusetts. She just told me that she wants to try and make this work and I just paid money for her to LEAVE ME at the end of this trip. I screwed up. I don't want her to go. I don't want her to go. I want to try and make this work too and I want her to come with me to California and I want her to stay with me. I want her to be with me and I want us to stay in California together. I don't want her to go. I don't want her to leave me.
She doesn't have to know that you paid it. She doesn't have to know. You don't have to tell her, you can always just not tell her. And you can persuade her to settle and go to med school in California. She doesn't have to know you paid for her to go to Massachusetts. Who says you have to tell her? $5,500 is nothing. It's a drop in the bucket compared to the money you have. Who cares if it's nonrefundable? It's just $5,500. She can just think that she never had the money to go. She already thinks that. She doesn't have to go to Massachusetts. You can keep her with you. Instead of losing her, just don't tell her. Harvard's not going to call her and tell her that they got her money. Harvard isn't going to chase after her. And they won't say anything if Jo just doesn't show up on the first day of classes because either way, they still pocketed my money. They're going to send her information package to my house in Long Beach but I'll get the mail and I'll toss it before she even gets the chance to see it. I don't have to tell her that I paid her deposit if I don't want to tell her. She can't go. She can't leave me. If she leaves me to go to some school on the east coast while I'm on the west coast, then what about me? What about me? What am I going to do without her? Long distance relationships never work. I can't let her go. I don't want her to go anymore. She can just settle and go to school in California. Not Massachusetts. Not 50,000,000,000 miles away from me in California. I can't let her do that to me.
I'm just not going to tell her. She doesn't have to know.