Ch. 21
Wishing Things Were Normal
"Lanie… Oh God, I haven't… even told… Castle yet., you're not… allowed to tell… anyone," Kate cried quietly as her friend gathered her in a big hug.
"Girl, were you thinking about never telling anyone?" Lanie asked.
"I never got to tell anyone I was pregnant in the first place, so why make them go through this if they didn't know?"
"Is that the right thing to do?"
"Lanie, don't do that, I've already had this speech from Alexis I don't need it from you too," Beckett shook her head against Lanie's shoulder.
"No, girl, I'm talking about it being fair to you. Are you being fair to yourself? You've just been through a traumatic event, and learned devastating news, is it fair to put your mind, your heart, or your soul through more by not having someone to talk to? Don't you think that Castle would be glad that you told him, not just because it was his baby, but that you are still open to him, and not shutting yourself away in a closet. Castle may be able to help you," Parish squeezed Kate tighter as her tears speed faster down her cheeks.
"But how can he get better if I tell him? How on earth can he return to his normal self if he learns what that woman did? I know you all are trying to hide it, but I know that she hasn't been caught yet. I can see it in Castle's eyes, and Ryan's and Esposito's. They are afraid she's going to come back, I'm a detective for goodness sake I've been trained to see these things!"
"Yeah, but sometimes a personal feeling gets in the way of what you see. You believe that Castle won't be able to handle it, won't be his usual self once he knows but don't you think that if it slips out at some inopportune moment in the future, that he'll be more injured then if you told him now?"
"May…be…" Kate sobbed at the truth in Lanie's words, "God, this just isn't fair! It's not fair that I have to do this to Castle, and to Alexis, and you. It's not fair that Cassidy's in a coma, it's not fair that I had to be kidnapped and lost my baby, it's not fair that you have to keep this a secret and not talk about it…"
Lanie chuckled softly and cut off Beckett's rambling, "Sssshhhh, it's ok Kate, if you won't talk to Castle, which I do think you should, then I'm glad you chose to at least talk to me about it."
"I don't know what to do! How can I tell Castle? How can I fix my relationship with Alexis? God, I don't want to be the evil stepmother! She deserves better then that, I didn't even know she knew that I was pregnant until I was… until I was found! By then… the… baby… the… baby was… gone! I'd just… learned… myself! God, Lanie, I'm so lost, and confused…"
"Hey, girl, let's start with some deep breaths, and some release. Cry your heart out if that's what you need, I'm right here and won't ever be leaving your side. No matter what you choose."
After a few minutes of Kate's weeping, and soaking Lanie's favorite shirt, she finally talked, "Lanie?"
"What is it girl?"
"How are you so calm about this? Why are you being so relaxed?"
Parish leaned her head against the wall and fought back the tears that had been threatening to spill over her cheeks the whole while, "Because… Kate… I've been through it before, myself, and what you need is someone who can remain calm about it, who you can talk to easily."
"Wait, what?" Kate pulled away from Lanie to look at her with confusion etched into her face as she wiped the tears away from her eyes and tried to gather her wits together.
Brushing her hair back Lanie set her lips in a straight line and looked away from her friend, "I've had a miscarriage. I was twenty-three, happily married until I lost the baby. How was I supposed to know my uterus was unable to carry a baby to term? 'You got my hopes up for nothing,' he said. 'You made me waste my time because of this and you lose it?' God, how was I supposed to know? How on earth was I supposed to know that it was practically impossible for me to even conceive, but if I did there was only a two percent chance the baby would make it?" Lanie rubbed her eyes viciously before continuing, "We got a divorce, and I changed my name back to Parish, I didn't want to live with a jerk who couldn't except that if we wanted kids we'd have to adopt, and he didn't want to live with someone who couldn't have children. I haven't talked to him since, nor have I seen him, and I sure don't ever want to."
"Oh, Lanie I'm so sorry! I didn't know, oh, and here I am reminding you of it…. God, I knew this was a bad idea. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, you needed someone to talk to, and I'm right here to continue on listening," Lanie sighed as a tear slid down her cheek.
Katherine tucked a piece of Lanie's hair behind her friend's ear, wiped away the tear, and smiled half-heartedly, "Looks like we're both screwed up… need me to go make an arrest, or give him a piece of my mind? I bet we could track the guy down."
Laughing softly behind her watery eyes Lanie stood up and offered her hand to Kate, "No thank you girlfriend, that would only mean I'd have to see him again, and I don't need that. It was a long time ago, I have Esposito in my life now, and right now I'm not the one that matters. What are we going to do with you and your predicament?"
Kate smiled a little as she accepted the help and allowed Lanie to pull her up from the ground, "I don't know Lanie, I don't know. I can't tell Richard, I can't tell him until I can accept it myself. I can't tell him until he's stronger, and can handle it. He's still not himself now, and I don't want him to stop returning to normal if I tell him. Alexis probably hates me now, but I don't want her to. She's a great kid, and I don't want to lose the friendship I had with her."
Handing Kate her crutches Lanie shifted around so that Kate could get by, "Kate, allow me to be honest with you, why don't you start with Alexis. Go home, and get back what's been lost. If you really plan on never telling Castle, you're going to want her around to talk to if I'm unavailable, or your doctor isn't able to see you. This is not something you can just get through without strife. It's heart wrenching, and gut churning. The emptiness and loneliness, you need more then you have, and I think Castle would be the best choice. He's a good man despite how annoying he can get, he will do what it takes to help you, just like with your mother's case."
Kate sighed as a few forgotten tears freely fell down her face, "Lanie, how can I tell him? It's not a simple injury. If he does something dangerous, I wouldn't be able to handle that. He's been broken up about this situation enough, he doesn't need a lost baby he didn't know about to worsen his load."
"Kate, stop listening to your head's stupid reasoning and think with your heart for a minute. Would you want Castle hiding something from you? How is this going to affect your relationship if he finds out years from now? Listen to your heart, take a minute to sit down and follow what it wants you to do. To make things work with Richard let your heart chose for you on this, don't pay heed to your head, you'll only think like a cop. To be able to deal with this girl, you need to use your feeling of love to get through this."
Hiding a small scoff Kate shoved Lanie's advice to the side not wanting to deal with another person telling her how to run her life, "The first thing I'm doing is going upstairs to talk with Natasha, see if I can get her to tell me anything new for the case. There haven't been any new bodies yet right?"
Looking at her friend partly disgusted Lanie replied, "No, not yet."
"They must be under hiding, waiting for Natasha to make a move of some sort, slip up. Well we aren't going to let her do that yet, but we may have to soon. I'll keep you updated," Kate said as she began leaving.
"Detective, don't shove what's happened to you aside, it'll only lead to trouble. I know that it's hard to wrap your head around the hurt, but seriously, try to make amends with Alexis, then maybe have her there with you when you tell Richard. Support is always good to have, you have mine, but I promise, no matter how amazing I am, it won't be enough," Lanie replied quietly.
Lanie watched Katherine as she glanced back and smiled sadly, "Yeah, thank you Lanie, for being here for me, but right now, I can't stand to have someone telling me how to live my life. I know that may sound a bit skeptical since I came here in the first place, but I don't know how to explain the feeling. The anger, the sadness, the emptiness, my hatred, my sorrow, my want to forget it happened, my want to return to normal… the look I give myself when I look in the mirror thinking about what it would be like if I hadn't lost the baby. Lanie…"
Stepping over to her quickly Lanie wrapped her in another hug as Kate's cheeks became runways for fresh tears, "It's ok, I'm right here. I know it's hard, I know what it does to you, it's awful, and you in no way deserved it, but Castle loves you, and always will. Let that guide you back to life, allow yourself to embrace his love to the fullest and you won't regret it. I'm right here though, no matter what you choose."
Burying her face into Lanie's shoulder Kate spoke hoarsely around the lump in her throat, "I hate… crying…. All I… I… 've been doing since I… woke up, has been crying. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of these feelings! I'm sick of how similar they are… to when my… mother… died! I'm sick of how… different they are. I just want… things to… return to normal…. I want my old Castle back… the obnoxious snot-nosed twelve-year-old, who couldn't keep his mouth shut! The oddness about him that attracted me to him…"
Kate's voice slowly shifted from sorrow into a love-filled rage as she continued on, pouring out whatever words came to her mouth, "I miss his smart-aleck remarks, and his wild theories. I want his goofy laughs, and childish smiles back. I want to be able to say something and have him shoot some crazy insult back. I miss all his hidden sweetness, and ability to act grown-up when it's needed most of all…. Lanie, this isn't fair! How… can I get that back if I… tell him? How can he be himself, and be able to help others if I tell him? He's changed more and more from when I first met him, despite his jokes, he really does enjoy helping on cases… I can see it burning in his eyes, the excitement he gets. It's all gone Lanie, that burn I came to love more and more as time went on. How can he get it back if I only shatter his heart further?"
"I don't know sweetheart… I don't know… but I'll help you find a way. No matter what it takes…. OK?" Lanie replied tenderly as she tightened her hold on Kate's body after Becket dropped her crutches and squeezed Lanie back.
"OK."