Chapter 21: Connections

Entering my home and looking around, I find no evidence that the men had been inside. I thank Aveline and the others, and I agree to buy them a pint later during my day shift at the Hanged Man. Varric gives me a long last look before leaving with the others. He wants to say something. I guess I'll find out what he wants sooner or later.

It's good to be home. I shut and lock the door once everyone is gone, and I call for Cat. After a moment, she appears. Her face is grim, her childlike lips pressed into a firm line.

"You did exactly the opposite of what I said," she says, her voice taking a harsh tone. "I told you about the spirit, and you went to him anyway."

"I warned him. I gave him a choice," I protest.

"You know who else gives choices? Demons, Norah," she says, her face grimacing, then softening. "I'm not really angry with you. I felt your happiness when he chose to stay with you. I just don't like the thought that something bad will happen to you and the feelings will go away."

I've said I never wanted to hurt Cat, but I have the feeling that I am hurting her. We never had any fights like this until I came to Kirkwall. I need to think about my friend more. I apologize, "I'm sorry, Cat. I don't want to lose our friendship, either. Will you stay?" She nods.

I clean up and change clothes for the day. I don't really feel like working, but Norah the Barmaid has a job to keep up. I sigh, and head in for the day. At least Aveline and the others are coming later. It's something to look forward to.

There aren't many people in the tavern today, and work seems to drag on forever. Corff can't resist teasing me about my "musical debut" last night. He says he should hire me to entertain. No thanks. The attention is strange, both from Corff and the few other customers. More people know me by name now, and it makes me long for the days when I was invisible. Well, when Norah the Barmaid was invisible anyway. Red Jenny wouldn't get nearly as much accomplished if nobody knew me. I think I'm still working on "just Norah". When did life get so complicated?

The day finally winds down and I'm getting ready to finish my shift when Varric and the rest show up. Merrill has joined them, but thankfully no Hawke. Aveline mentions something about her setting up her new mansion in Hightown. That's right, Hawke's a wealthy woman now. Fenris and Anders are also missing from the group. I'll admit, I miss Anders already, but it's probably better this way. I don't know if he's had a chance to talk to Fenris yet.

I get them settled in at a table, and bring the drinks I had promised them for helping me. I treat Merrill as well, even though she wasn't there this morning. She looks like she could use it right about now. Her eyes are ringed with dark circles, and I can tell she hasn't slept well in some time. When was the last time I saw her, anyway?

"Merrill, I'm so glad you could make it tonight," I say, showing my enthusiasm.

"I insisted," says Varric. "Daisy here's been cooped up far too long. I keep telling her, flowers need sunshine in order to grow."

"But you invited me out in the evening. I don't think that's how it works," Merrill said.

"Well then, I'll have remember to take you the next time I'm going outside the city again," I say to her.

"Funny you should mention that," interjects Isabela. "I've been looking into a lead on Talon and I may have something soon. I'm meeting with someone tomorrow who says he had a run-in with Talon's crew. I'll need your help again if this pans out."

"Isn't the meeting itself dangerous?" I ask.

"Yes, which is why I'm meeting my contact in the Lowtown market during the day," she explains. "Don't worry, I'm a big girl, I can handle this part. I'll let you know what I find out."

Merrill has a hand on her glass, but I notice she hasn't taken a drink yet. I comment, "Merrill, the ale here might not be the best, but you've drank it before."

"It's not that," she says, pushing the glass away from her. "I'm just frustrated. I've been working on something for a while, and I'm not getting anywhere."

"Anything I can help with?" I offer.

"No, I think I need something from my clan, but they won't listen to me now," she says, sounding melancholy, but then lifts her head up. "But they might listen if Hawke talks to them. I'll have to ask her," she comments, eyes lighting up again.

"I'm not sure what just happened, but I'm glad you're feeling more hopeful," I say, laughing.

"You up for Wicked Grace tonight, Norah?" Isabela asks. "Your, uh, strategy is improving."

"Shit, you caught that last time too?" I ask. "You're too good. But no, to answer your question, I can't. I have other things I have to do tonight."

"Cookie, come see me tomorrow if you can. There's something I need to talk to you about, and soon," says Varric. I nod, say my good-byes and head home.

I take it slow on the way home, deep in thought. After the excitement of the morning, working my shift had seemed so dull compared to before. For some reason, the secrets of the who's who of Lowtown don't interest me as much as they once did. Maybe it's time to hang up the role of Norah the Barmaid. Anders is right, I could have hurt Hawke a few times now, and I'd chosen not to in order to spare her friends. I think about what my mother endured, and I still feel outraged. But, it if means hurting people I care about, is it still worth it? And if I do it, how will I feel after?

My mother hadn't wanted to give me up, had risked everything to see I had a life outside the Circle, and ultimately died because of it. At the time I learned of her sacrifice for me, I felt like I had been given a gift, only to have it taken away again. Maybe part of why it hurt so much was because she was the only person in my life who had ever really loved me. Cat was with me, of course, but I'd learned that people will always betray you. But what if that's not true either? What if I can have a future where I don't have to be alone?

I feel something on my face, and when I reach up to wipe it off, I'm confused to find tears. When had I started crying?

I need to think this over. Maybe it would help me if I knew more about Malcolm Hawke. I need to know why he would leave my mother in the Gallows, and maybe learning more about him will help me understand. I only know of three people who could tell me about him, and I doubt Hawke will start offering up information. But her sister might, and I already know Orsino was friends with him. I need to go back to the Gallows.

Happily there are no men in front of my door when I get back to my place, and the guards have long since removed the bodies from this morning. I guess there are benefits to having the law on your side. I let myself in. The second I close the door, Cat is there, and puts her arm around me. I pat her head. "It's alright, Cat," I say, smiling even though the tears. "Sometimes it hurts to change."

I'd told a rare lie tonight. Most of the time I don't need to actually say anything that's untrue, but tonight I'd deliberately lied. I don't have any other plans tonight. I haven't checked my messages yet, but so far, I have no errands for the Friends, no secret meetings to spy on, or letters to compose. I think I just want to be by myself for a while.

I look over my messages, and, as luck would have it, I have an invitation for tea with First Enchanter Orsino. I know this is undoubtedly code for my first lesson with Bethany, but I'm hopeful I will actually have a chance to sit down with Orsino too.

At any rate, it gives me an excuse to escape the bar for another day. I make a mental note to myself to send word in the morning to Corff, tell him I'm not feeling well. I remember I'm supposed to meet Varric. Guess the dwarf's "talk" will have to wait. This is more important.

I decide to turn in early. I stand up, and head to lock the door for the night when there's a knock.