He holds her close, so close. Their skin hums together and he strokes his fingers through her hair. Still shuddering from his last climax, he presses his lips against her temple and the overpowering love he feels for her flows through him.
Swallowing thickly, his voice breaks when he says, "I love you so much, Rey."
Her arms tighten around him and she responds, "I love you, Ben."
He's near tears from the glory of it all. Being with Rey like this, giving her pleasure, receiving it, he can't begin to process just how much she makes him feel.
The sensation of their bare torsos pressed together is enough to make him tremble and he wonders what it will feel like to be completely naked with her. It's already entirely beyond his ability to comprehend and all he can do is surrender to this singular connection, this singular woman.
But, they've already spent several hours lost in rapture, time he knows should have been spent talking. He can never anticipate how long he'll have with her and he knows he's been foolish. Reckless. He hopes the Force will give them just a bit more time.
"Rey?" His voice sounds somewhat less shaky.
"Mmm," she hums languidly.
"There are things we need to talk about."
She sighs deeply. "I know. I just … after everything that happened I … I needed you. Needed this."
Perhaps he hasn't been so foolish, after all. Perhaps they truly had needed this more than anything else. It feels like they've made promises to each other with their skin.
"I … I did too." He shifts her and captures her lips, kissing her because he doesn't have the words to express himself. To explain how she's changed everything.
After allowing them just a few more moments to revel in each other, he eventually pulls back and looks into her eyes.
Everything about her is perfect, but it's her eyes that have always held him fast. So many colors, such ferocity, so much compassion. He'd like to just fall into them, but it's time to talk.
"You know who General Hux is, right?"
Her lips make a moue of distaste. "Who doesn't know who that rat is?"
"I quite agree. He's getting very dangerous and I know he's plotting. I don't know what he has planned—yet, but I'm certain it's not good. I think I have him working with me, for the moment, but I don't trust a word he says."
He can tell she doesn't really like talking about the First Order, but they must. "Working with you? What … what's your plan?"
This is it. This is the moment when he proves that all that matters to him is her. He's about to collude with the enemy. Treason. But it doesn't feel like treason and she is anything but his enemy.
"I need time. He's dead-set on eradicating the Resistance and I want to work with you … and my mother, to make him believe that he has. We create a target, I'll ensure it's attacked from orbit, no ground troops."
While he's been talking, Rey has settled back against his chest. He feels her nod and he kisses the top of her head.
"We'll have a few stragglers 'escape' and let it be known that Leia Organa and the Jedi Rey are dead. Then I want you all to hide. I need three months. That's all I'm asking for. Three months to make allies within the First Order. Then we reveal that you're alive and well and we … we can start to work together. Find a better way. No more imperialism. But no more Republic, either. Something between and beyond. Something new."
It reminds him a bit of how he'd swayed his fellow Jedi. He shies away from how that turned out and focuses on that he knows he can be persuasive when he believes in his cause.
"No more conquest?" she asks suspiciously.
"No, no more conquest, I promise. I see now that that only leads to this constant cycle of destruction. I can't promise you that there won't be more bloodshed, but I can promise that what happened on Jentesh VI won't happen once I'm able to unravel whatever Hux has done. I just can't focus on that while you and my mother are so threatened. I just … I just can't."
"Are we in any danger right now?" As if he would simply be laying with her like this if she were!
"I don't believe so. May I presume that Finn's tracker is on a ship far away from where you really are?"
A pained expression crosses her face. "I … I don't know. All I know is that they got it out of him and they had a plan. They haven't told me anything since Leia found out about … us. I … I've been confined to my quarters."
"What?" he growls.
"Don't … don't be like that. What else was Leia supposed to do? For all she knows you could be using me …"
He scowls fiercely. "I would never-"
"Shhh, I know. I know that. But … you still haven't agreed to talk with her … And you wouldn't let me explain about Snoke. All she really knows is … is …" She shudders and looks away from him.
"Is that I killed my father," he says with no inflection.
Her eyes come back to him and they're sad but oddly encouraging. "And she doesn't know why."
Staring blankly at the ceiling he tries to keep himself centered by stroking Rey's back, feeling her skin. He knew he'd have to talk to his mother. He hadn't really thought about it, simply understanding that he can't do this without her. If he's going to have any chance at all at changing things from within, he has to get the Resistance to pull back, give him some time.
He's furious that Rey is being punished for his crimes. Intellectually he understands. His mother would be an idiot to have done anything else. But … but this is Rey. She's already suffered enough because of him.
"Alright," he says flatly.
"Alright?"
"Alright, I'll talk with her." He wishes he didn't sound so petulant.
"Now?" she asks hopefully.
Oh. He supposes it should be now, there's no way to know when he'll next have the opportunity. But he has no desire whatsoever to pull from Rey, watch her hide away her lovely breasts, then talk with his mother. It's positively surreal.
He's about to agree when he remembers something else he must discuss with Rey. "Before you comm her, there's another item I'd like to talk about." He's not sure how she'll react to this and he's a bit worried she won't like it.
"What is it?" she asks, her eyes sparking with curiosity.
"Rey … I'd like you to consider allowing me to give you a cloaked communications device. I won't be able to track you through it," he says hurriedly. "But I don't want to take the chance that I need to warn you of something and be unable to reach you through our connection."
Her eyes flit around the room and she clutches at his chest. "Oh," is all she says.
"Please, if Hux pulls something else and I'm unable to warn you …"
She nods faintly, obviously thinking hard. "How … how would you get it to me?"
Nervously, he offers, "I had hoped you would agree to … to meet with me."
Her eyes go very wide and the flare of excitement he sees encourages him. "We'd … we'd get to see each other?"
He'd thought he'd have to make more of a case, that she'd … be more afraid. But now she's smiling a little secret smile and he remembers how young she is. He may be as inexperienced with any of this as she is, but for a moment he sees a hint of the young woman she should have been hiding behind her eyes. No galactic conflict, no Force, no overwhelming bond she never chose. Just a girl, a regular girl. Excited to see him.
Pushing her hair back from her face then cradling the back of her head, he says, "It wouldn't be for very much time. I'll need to sneak off the ship. If Hux knows I've left, he'll be exceptionally suspicious. But yes, we'd get to truly see each other."
She nibbles at her bottom lip. "I'll need to get Leia's permission."
His temper flares at the reminder that his beloved is being caged and a small part of him wants to laugh at the absurdity of it. Will Leia give her a curfew? He suppresses a snort and his ire leaves him.
"Then I suppose it's time we asked her."
"You're ready, to talk with her?"
He laughs a sound with no mirth. "No, I'm really not. But I don't think I ever will be." He takes in a deep breath. "It's time."
Rey holds his eyes for a moment, then strokes his cheek. "It's going to be alright. Remember, she still loves you. She wants to trust you. It was in her eyes."
He nods slightly then he's encouraging her to sit up. He helps her with her shirt, then puts his own tunic back on while she fixes her hair.
Finally, they're both presentable and she holds his eyes as she comms his mother.
Force, what is he even doing?
"Hello, Leia."
Ben stands next to Rey and he can sense his mother's presence. He can't see her, hear her, but her Force signature is unmistakable.
"You can?" Rey asks Leia. Then she turns to Ben and says, "Your mother says she can feel you. She couldn't feel you before."
"I can feel her, too. I felt her last time as well, but it's much stronger now."
Rey looks between them speculatively. Sensing his mother like this, it feels like it had when he was a boy, when he always knew right where she was. It's such a warm, achingly familiar feeling and it makes him yearn for a time long-dead. He struggles against the conflicting urges to shield himself and to go deeper.
Then the silence grows. Is his mother talking? But Rey doesn't appear to be listening, she's just watching his mother sadly.
"What … what's going on?" Ben asks.
"I think … I think she's just … feeling you," Rey says quietly.
His eyes close tightly and the pain is swift. And in an instant, he understands how much he's missed his mother. If only she'd never sent him away … what would his life be like now if she'd just let him stay?
But now Rey is nodding. She looks to Ben and says, "She wants to know why she should trust you."
Because he'd die before he ever let Rey be harmed again. Because he can barely live with what he did to his father and if his mother died due to even his inaction, he would never recover. Because the First Order is as wrong as the Republic and he has a chance, a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless, to change things. He could have said any of those things. Instead he says, "Because Hux is a fanatical tyrant who will never stop until every single Resistance member is dead."
Rey conveys what he's said and then breathes in sharply and looks almost disappointed when she says, "Leia asked why that's a problem for you."
In that moment he realizes this is never going to work. He can't properly convey what he's feeling in words, words translated through an intermediary, at least not words that will persuade General Organa to work with him.
"Rey …" Is he really going to do this? Gods, he must be mad. "Rey, I want you to put my hand in my mother's."
Her brows shoot up. "What? Why?"
"I need to communicate with her directly and I think … given our past … connection, that this might work."
"You … you're willing to talk with her … through the Force?"
He fixes Rey with his eyes. "I will do anything I have to in order to keep you safe. There is nothing I will not face for you, Rey. Nothing."
She blinks rapidly and she murmurs, "Oh." Then she looks down for a moment, but he sees her smile.
"Leia … he wants … he wants me to join your hands."
Rey is obviously listening intently to what Leia is saying. "He said … he said he's doing it for me." Another secret smile crosses her lips. "He does. Very much." Rey nods and quietly says, "Thank you."
Her attention returns to him. "She's ready. Come here."
Rey reaches for his hand and he watches as she places her other hand around Leia's and he tries to keep the panic at bay. He hasn't had any sort of contact with his mother in seven years and the chasm between them … he's not sure it can ever be bridged. If he wants to.
But then he can't think through the blinding pain he's sensing. He stumbles, almost falling. It's too much, the grief winding through her howls through him. Maker, he can't think! Force, is this … is this how she feels? Did he … did he do this to her?
Flashes, moments start to coalesce. The small weight of a baby in her arms. Him. The warmth envelopes him and he begins to get his bearings. The sensation of his hair threading through her fingers as she gave him his first haircut.
Completion. She's in his father's arms and it's so similar to what he feels when he holds Rey … he finally truly understands what he took from her. He hadn't … he hadn't thought of that. He murdered his mother's beloved. That's when the tears start.
"I'm sorry!" he calls through the Force. "Mother, I'm so sorry! I never … I couldn't … I didn't … oh, gods… I didn't mean it."
Sharp, red accusation knifes through him. "I thought I had to … I thought I had to," he wails.
She doesn't say anything and that's when he realizes that she can't. She's feeling his feelings, he's feeling hers. His words never traveled, only his emotions, images, sensations. The purity of this communication makes him feel raw, exposed and terribly vulnerable.
The storm lessens as his mother finds some control over herself and then, suddenly she is placid. Ah. This. He remembers this. His mother could always find her calm, even when he desperately needed her to meet him in his storm. Leia Organa can always keep herself under control.
He feels curiosity and he realizes she's waiting. Waiting for him to make his case. He begins with Rey, how he feels about her, careful to focus on his love and not his desire, but he still feels some of it slip through.
His fear for his mother's safety when he realized what Hux had done, that she might die before Ben was ever able to see her again. That it would be his fault. The desperation, how he'd pleaded with Rey to get them both to safety.
Disillusionment with the First Order, realizing the futility of it all. Hope for a better way. The need for time.
He remembers Rey telling him that his mother deserved answers for his father, to know what Snoke had done to him.
So he allows himself to remember. Remember what it was like before Rey. How every day was constant torment and near-madness. The never-ending pull to the light. The shame, the unrelenting shame as he would fail again and again.
He had been a man made of fractured pieces, grinding together like broken bones. He remembers, oh how he remembers.
The night after Snoke first told him he expected Ben to kill his father. The horror. The revulsion. How it had made him sick. The hope that it would finally heal the rift in his soul. Peace, please, Force, please give him peace.
Crawling to his master, begging for any little scrap. Then the punishments. Taking it like a beaten dog. How Snoke would use lightning over and over and over again, how sometimes he thought he might die. How sometimes he wanted to …
Oh … oh, he remembers this. She did this when he was a boy and he'd had nightmares. He feels her light wrap around him and it feels just like it had when he was small. Safe. He's so safe. The monsters can't get him if Mama's here. He almost hears the lullaby she used to sing.
Cradled in his mother's love he begins to weep in earnest. "I'm sorry. Please, Mother, I'm so sorry."
Time is moving oddly, and echoes of my precious boy ring in his head, long-denied memories rising to the surface. All the while he feels as if she's rocking him as she did when he was small. A light kiss at his temple.
Then he feels a new feeling.
It takes him awhile to discern it. He's never really felt it before. At first he can't accept it, pushes it back, shaking his head. He … he can't do this. He wants to rip away as much as he wants this feeling so badly that he never wants to leave this place.
Finally, he bows his head and he can feel her hand ruffle through his hair and he finally lets it in.
Forgiveness.
A/N: I have no self-control. I know I said Thursday, but it's ready, so I'm posting early. Another chapter by or on Monday.
Reactions to Ben the Nerd in last chapter had me in stitches. Thank you for being such an incredibly fun group of people. You make the writing experience so rich and engaging. *glomps* (yes, I'm internet old)