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NO means NO

A review from Lily (Guest).

You said you found is frustrating that Edward always get his way regarding sex.

Yes, yes he does. Anything else would be rape. It's NEVER okay to "persuade" someone into sex. I'm not talking about the sweet-talking you do to your partner, but trying consistently to get your way despite having been told no – even if it's your partner. Edward's morals (though we might not agree) are HIS morals, and to disregard them is not okay. He's made it perfectly clear, even in the books, that he believes in marriage before sex.

It doesn't matter if it's sex or not. Even if Edward exclusively ate mountain lion, only wears pink, or whatever, to disregard his emotions on the matter would be wrong.

It is my solemn belief that you can do whatever you want, as long as you don't inflict your doings on others. That's why Edward accepts that Bella becomes a vampire – because it's not HIS choice. It's not HIS life. He might point out the dangers and explain his opinion, but in the end, it's her choice. Of course, if she tells him to bleep off with his opinion, he should accept that.

As with sex, Bella might tell him her opinion, but a no is a no.

You might argue that Bella is his mate and so on, but that's no excuse. He has made his intentions clear, and as a decent person, Bella should respect it.

IMPORTANT A/N

I've had 2 reviews mention that they worried Bella was going back to book-Bella in ch. 19.

She's not. You might see Bella mellow out a bit, which should be understandable. What she did in ch. 19 was wrong, because she risked a lot, and had she denied that risk, when Edward pointed it out, she would've been childish.

My Bella can admit that she's wrong. She can even cry when it's warranted. You won't see her crying because it rains, or make act like a stubborn baby.

Chapter 21 - Change of plans

In February, I started having second thoughts about college. I turned to my vampire family for help.

"I've applied to several colleges, and I've applied for grants as well," I admitted. "But, I've begun to think that I don't want to attend college just yet. I mean, if I'm turned, I can attend college any time I want…"

"What are your thoughts?" Esme asked me, kindly. Her kind tone made me feel so comforted and accepted.

I looked towards Edward, who sent me a reassuring smile. "I want more human experiences. I will be giving up a lot of things, and I don't mind it the slightest," I assured Edward, who nodded in accept of my assurance. "But I do mind knowing that my last time as a human is wasted in college… Forks High hasn't been the greatest experience, and I don't want to go to another place, where I have to waste my time pretending…" I leaned over to kiss Edward on his cheek. He massaged my shoulders lightly in support. His cold touch distracted me until Carlisle spoke.

"What do you want to do?" Carlisle asked, curious.

"I don't know," I admitted. "I thought of making a bucket list – is that too morbid?" I wondered. They all chuckled at my idea, but seemed to like the prospect.

"I think it's a great idea," Rosalie said. "You can add all the things that you won't be able to do when you turn, or will be able to do, but with ease…" Her proposal was good. What would I lose once changed?

"So, intense training that leave me sweaty, breathless, and in pain?" I joked, and we all laughed lightly.

"And food!" Esme insisted. "Oh dear, we went to Japan, and I just loved the idea of walking from stand to stand, tasting different things – unfortunately it smells horrid to a vampire, but I've heard it's something humans love to do." Esme sighed contentedly at the memories. I had never even considered Japan – that seemed so far away, but why not? Edward and I would be able to go anywhere! The prospect excited me.

"And get a tan!" Rosalie added. "Or not…" A look had passed between my vampire family, which I didn't understand.

"What?" I demanded, not liking being left out.

"A tan might stay if you're changed. You don't want to risk having tan-lines forever," Rosalie explained with a wry smile.

"If something happens and we must change you, a tan would be horrible to have forever," Alice supplied. "Better safe than sorry…" I raised an eyebrow.

"We can't measure venom or break it down, so we actually know very little about it, and how it would affect a tan." Carlisle explained.

"Better avoid a tan, then." I grinned.

I wanted to know more about venom, as I hadn't really considered what venom was before. Our conversation, however, moved along.

"Okay, so what else for your bucket list?" Esme pondered, thoughtfully.

"Training, food, travelling…" Edward murmured.

"I'd like for you all to meet my mom. I know you'll meet her when I graduate, but I wish you could get to know her just a bit better. You're very close to Charlie now, but I'd like if we could invite Renee to any holidays," I admitted.

"Of course, dear! We would love to get to know her better!" Esme promised me, lovingly. It almost felt odd thinking of introducing Esme to Renee. In many ways, Esme was more a mother to me than Renee had ever been. Her kindness and loving, gentle attitude made me feel safe and loved in ways Renee had never made me feel.

We continued talking for most for most of the day. It was interesting to hear what everyone missed, or what they had dreamed about, or what they wished they could re-do as humans. In the evening, after having dinner with Edward and Charlie, Edward and I were alone, talking.

"Tell me more about venom," I asked him. "What was it about a tan?"

"It's a very long subject, but I will try to explain it as simple as possible," Edward explained. "Basically, it seems our venom has two parts of it. One part is the standard recipe for vampires, and the second is what the individual brings to transformation."

"Right." I nodded in understanding as I paid attention.

"The first part never differs, which is what is really interesting. All vampires are cold, hard as stone, have enhanced strength and vision, drinks blood, never sleep, sparkle…"

"- have perfect white teeth," I supplied, and winked, and Edward nodded and smiled wryly.

"Exactly. The thing is, we don't know why this is. We don't understand venom. There has never been a vampire with crooked teeth, non-sparkling skin, and so on. Since we never age, we can see that the oldest vampires, that lived right now, still have the basic vampire traits as the newer vampires, but we don't understand why this is. With our perfect memory, our oldest vampires recall perfectly the ones before them, and it's the same. Carlisle, especially, has tried to find out how venom can demand certain traits to always be there, yet ignore it in the individual make-up…"

"I don't understand," I admitted.

"There are vampires with something akin to tan-lines, and even a hint of freckles. It's very hard to see, as it seems the venom smooths it out. Carlisle once met a Caucasian vampire, who had lived as a human in Africa and had gotten tan. When changed, he kept his tan, though the Change smoothed it out. Yet, other vampires have experienced that they lost their tan. Yet again, vampires, who from birth are of darker skin, always keep their dark skin color…"

"So, you're saying that in some cases the venom removes the tan, but all who have dark skin from birth keep it? When it's a tan, whether or not it stays seems random?" I summarized.

"Yes. But a tan and having dark skin is about melanin in the skin – pigmentation, so how does the venom "know" what to change and what not?"

"I don't get it," I said, confused. "You make it sound like venom is sort of alive…"

"I know, and the problem is that we can't figure out what venom actually is, as it's apparently really hard to measure and analyze…" Edward explained. "Another thing is how venom is constructed. Mutations happen everywhere, so you'd expect to see, over time, vampires who might have crooked teeth, but we don't… It's as if that part of the venom is fixed, unchangeable… This is why we speak of two parts of the venom, the standard recipe and the individual part."

"Wow…" I replied. "It sounds so complex."

"It is. Carlisle is very frustrated. It can't be measured. We have no idea if it's biological, alive, or not. Sometimes it acts like an acid, a chemical, by dissolving things, and yet it also acts like a biological being, such as how it spreads. Still, we assume it must be biological, since it must contain some kind of DNA that tells how to make a vampire, but we don't know. We have only ever observed it through a microscope, and in that we can't see what it's made of. The only thing we're certain of is that it likes blood. It either eats it or converts blood into venom, which of them we don't know."

"Wow," I repeated.

"We can't know for sure until we can analyze it, and currently there are no ways to analyze it…"

"What does venom look like?" I wondered. I knew Edward had a venom production, he had told me that had been why French kissing had been difficult in the beginning – because he couldn't control it.

"Like spit, actually. It's sort of translucent and watery. We know it runs through our veins, but have no idea how, since we don't have a heart to pump it. Somehow, it just does it on its own…" Edward shrugged, clearly confused.

"Sounds a bit like a parasite," I muttered. "I mean, perhaps it's not right to say that vampires are parasites, but rather their venom. You're just a host to the venom and your need to feed gives it the chance to spread. Perhaps that's what the bloodlust is all about…"

"Interesting theory," Edward admitted. "I've heard it before. I think Carlisle have been through all the theories… Unfortunately, we can't know… Not yet, apparently…" Even Edward seemed frustrated with this.

"Unmeasurable… That seems crazy," I admitted.

"Well, there are things in the human world which cannot be measured, such as azidoazide azide."

"A-what-what?" I blinked.

"Azidoazide azide," Edward repeated and laughed lightly. "It's a compound that's too sensitive to measure. If you measure it, it blows up, if you leave it alone, it blows up." Edward shrugged. "Not that venom blows up, but it can't be measured, either…"

Something occurred to me. "Are there vampire scientists? I know Carlisle likes to help, but he doesn't seem to research as much…"

"He did at one point, but it's a difficult case and he likes to help people, so helping is the priority. The Volturi have tried many things, but their expertise is limited to the era we're in…" Edward's voice had dropped a little and his face showed a form of reluctance when he spoke of the Volturi.

"What's up with the Volturi?" I wondered, referring to the reluctance Edward showed.

"Well, technically they don't like to analyze things. In fact, they seem to ignore the modern world – from what Carlisle has observed. They tried to prove that vampires are best served drinking from humans, but as they failed to prove it, they just kind of ignored the whole deal and kept their opinion…"

"That seems very unscientific," I commented. "But it's kind of cool to think there's such a massive thing that no one knows anything about… Perhaps I will be the one to solve the mystery!" I grinned and Edward chuckled. "And then I will prove that animal blood is better for vampires." I winked at Edward, who chuckled.

"Don't set your hopes up on that. Human blood, regardless of whether or not it's better for you, tastes better. And, like I mentioned, the Volturi are doubtful to consider changing their stance… They tried fervently to change Carlisle into a human drinker, to no avail." Every time Edward spoke of the Volturi, I registered an almost hidden dislike.

"You don't seem to like the Volturi much. Why is that?" I wondered, calling him out on it.

"It's… With my gift I can see things people think about, but I don't feel their emotions, so I miss a lot, obviously," Edward explained. "Whenever Carlisle has had a thought about the Volturi, my view on it has been very different than his. For example, he remembers Aro's attempt at conversion with humor, but when I see it in his mind…" Edward shook his head, "I see Aro much differently than Carlisle does… But like I said, I'm missing a lot of information, but it's still hard to ignore the dislike I've ended up having for them…"

A few days later, I visited Carlisle at the hospital. I did it on one of the few days when I wouldn't get to see Edward after school, and when I knew Carlisle had a long shift. Then he would have more time to bury our conversation before meeting with Edward.

"Bella, this is a pleasant surprise." Carlisle gestured for me to enter his office, and I easily took a seat.

"Hello, Carlisle," I greeted him, easily.

"Did anything happen?" His question was warranted. Lauren had not made any form of retribution, yet, though Edward said she was thinking about it often. Lucky for me, school kept her busy.

"No, no," I assured him. "It's regarding my bucket list," I admitted. Carlisle leaned forward, curious. I took a deep breath. "I want to donate my eggs. Not now, I think, as I know complications might arise, but as close to my change as possible," I revealed. Carlisle leaned back in his seat, and I could see the respect in his eyes.

"That's quite a decision," he admitted. "I'm very proud of you for considering it." His tone was heartfelt and I blushed at his praise. "I will see what I can do. Am I right to think that Edward is not to know, since you came here?"

I smiled wryly. "Well, you can hide what I want to ask you now behind what I just told you, if you need it…" Carlisle raised an eyebrow. "I want to donate blood - for Edward."

Could vampires be shocked? Carlisle looked pretty shocked, right now.

"Donate blood?" He finally managed to whisper.

"Yes. Edward has given me so much. I want to give him something that reflects how much he means to me. What better than the blood of his singer?" Carlisle forgot to blink. "It's the most precious thing I have to give…" The last was a whisper, but Carlisle heard it perfectly.

"I've never heard of a more precious gift. That is truly remarkable." His voice was full of awe. "Yes, donation…" Carlisle busied himself with something in his desk. "You can donate every 2nd month. Am I correct in assuming it's not a one-time-thing?" Carlisle asked. I nodded.

"Definitely. I'd like to start as soon as possible." I replied.

"Hmm…" Carlisle considered things. "We will do it off the record, naturally," Carlisle said. "I don't think Edward will find out. I will make it so that we do it when he's busy," Carlisle assured me.

"And he won't be able to tell? He can't smell I'm missing blood?" I asked. Carlisle chuckled lightly.

"No, but I suggest you don't see him until a few hours after. Normally, the wound closes quite fast, but the scent lingers for a little while longer. Your scent is especially potent, more so for Edward. I will choose days where he won't be home, or where he will be busy." Carlisle winked at me conspiratorially. I laughed excitedly.

"So, when do we start?" My voice automatically became a whisper as we conspired, and Carlisle chuckled. "And where will you keep the blood?"

"I have a storage unit I will place it in," Carlisle assured me. "And we can begin in two days. It's sunny, so Edward and the Alice will stay home, but I will come in to work before the sun is out, and leave once it's gone. You can come by after school."

"You don't think Alice will realize? I mean, she has trouble seeing me, but if I am near you, she might have trouble seeing you…" I trailed off, uncertain.

"Actually, I have been pondering your gift. At the first meeting with the elders, Jasper mentioned that you did something consciously to block him. Do you recall?" Carlisle's curious eyes were watching me. I thought back, remembering how I tried to shrink into myself, cloak myself.

"When I visit next time I can test it…" I was excited that I might be able to control my gift. I had tried to control it before, but I had failed. It seemed an unconscious thing. Thinking back, I remembered how I always tried to keep myself calm as an ocean. Was this the secret of my gift? I tried to visualize a stormy ocean becoming calm, but I had no idea if it worked.

"If it doesn't, I am sure Alice won't tell. You can tell her – she's very good at hiding her thoughts from Edward."

The following months were busy. I got replies from the grants I'd sought, and I received replies from the universities I had applied to. I was beyond pleased to find that I had been accepted to some of the more prestigious universities, as well as some of the vampire-friendly ones.

The grants were turned down immediately, since I had decided not to attend college. For Charlie and Renee's sake, I would pretend to go, and pretend to keep the grants, which would allow me to focus on my studies.

"I don't know what will make him happier," I admitted to Alice. "Should I pretend that I only got accepted to Alaska? Or should I pretend I got into Harvard?"

"You did get into Harvard," Alice pointed out, making me laugh myself silly. I felt beyond proud that I had managed to get accepted. I had worked so hard for this, so it was amazing to know that my labors had borne fruit.

"Yes, well, you know! Should I pretend that I attend Harvard? I don't know what will be best for your family and for Charlie? Harvard is on the other side of the country, but I know he won't actually care where I end up, because he'll be proud. But, what if he ever decided to visit spontaneously, then it would have to be a place where you guys can go out safely…" I was rambling now. I was excited and felt unable to sit still.

"Bella, calm down," Alice told me, and tried to get me to breathe. "Listen, there are too many variables for me to see anything conclusive," she said. "I can see Charlie will be proud wherever you decide to pretend to go." Alice laughed lightly

"Hmm..." I responded.

"If you want my opinion, I would choose Alaska. The family won't have to hide, like you mentioned. Despite your plan to travel with Edward, you should still be home for the holidays, which will give both Charlie, Renee and Phil an opportunity to visit. You could show them around campus easily and pretend to attend the school…"

"Okay, Alaska. I got into University of Alaska in Anchorage." I breathed out deeply. "Did I get in?" I started looking for the acceptance letter, uncertain.

Laughing, Alice handed me the papers. "You are so stressed. It will be good for you to travel." We laughed easily together.

"This is so exciting! Did you know, the only states I've ever visited are Washington and Arizona? Renee moved to Florida, but I haven't visited her…" I felt like jumping up and down. The idea of travelling with Edward made me excited.

"And here I thought you were excited about being turned," Alice rolled her eyes. Suddenly, she stilled. I recognized her expression as if she was having a vision. To my surprise, she blinked rapidly afterward, seeming very confused.

"Alice?" I wondered, when she didn't seem to snap out of whatever had drawn her in. Her head turned to me, and she looked a little confused.

"That was odd," Alice told me. Her tone was vague, and for a moment she looked more human than I had ever seen her; she looked confused. "I saw- I thought-" Alice frowned.

"What do you see?" I wondered, confused and nervous.

"Nothing, well…" Alice closed her eyes for a second, and slowly a smile spread out on her lips again.

"What?" I asked, apprehensively.

"I had a vision just before, only, it was strange. I saw a Christmas tree, and then suddenly everything cut to black…" Alice explained, clearly uncertain.

"Are the wolves coming?" I knew her vision usually disappeared when the wolves were close.

"No, this was different. It kind of disappeared like with the wolves, but… different disappeared. Does that make sense? It cut to black, as with the wolves, but different black…" I wasn't sure I understood what she meant.

"No. Perhaps we should speak to Carlisle," I suggested. "Has it ever done that before?"

"No," Alice said. "But it seems to be back now. I can see the vision normally. It's winter, Christmas… I'm not making much sense, am I?" I shook my head, uncertain. How can you see that you can't see? I wasn't sure what it meant. "At any rate, there's nothing wrong, nothing weird happening," Alice said.

"Still, if it made a glitch, Carlisle should probably know…"

"Perhaps it was just the wolves… They're always messing with my vision," Alice muttered. "I'm looking very much forward to getting away from Forks – away from them…" Alice admitted.

"Perhaps to a place with better shopping opportunities?" I raised an eyebrow and Alice laughed.

"Well, Anchorage is quite a bit bigger than Forks, I'll admit that." Alice winked at me and we laughed.

That evening, I told Edward about my plans.

"I'm really proud of you," Edward revealed, happily. "You got into Harvard!" He hugged me tightly and I laughed happily in his embrace.

"I'm really happy!" I grinned widely.

"May I ask what your paper was about? I know you kept everything very quiet, and I didn't want to overstep your boundaries by asking," Edward admitted.

"I wrote about Renee," I revealed. "And you." Edward looked at me surprised. "I wrote about my life with Renee." I felt slightly ashamed at saying this. "I feel like I threw her under a bus, to be honest. I wasn't very nice…" I paused for a few seconds, gathering my thoughts. Edward waited patiently. "At first, I had trouble figuring out what to write about. I know I'm not the only one to write a personal essay, so I decided that if I did it, I would be completely honest - well, sort of," I grinned at Edward, who chuckled in response.

"I told them about growing up before my time, about the emotional and physical neglect. I wrote about the friends I missed out on, because I had to take care of her. I told them what a bad person I felt I was becoming, which I only realized after I had met you…"

"You felt you were a bad person?" Edward said, surprised.

"We've talked about it before," I reminded him. "It's not like I went on a roaring rampage, but I started to neglect myself. I stopped caring about myself, because a part of me felt I perhaps wasn't worthy?" It came out as a question. "When you fail to have any real success-experiences growing up, you end up becoming stunted, and I became emotionally stunted, and, perhaps, intellectually stunted. I would let anyone walk over me, too afraid to face them. I would've chosen the easy and cheapest way, because I didn't want to be too far from Renee or Charlie, and I didn't want to burden them financially. I don't think I would've made a very good adult." I paused again, contemplating how much Edward had changed me.

"You forced me to stand up for myself. With you, I started to take chances on myself," I said. "Imagine being my mate, but where I was just a doormat…" I sent Edward a wry smile.

"I think I'd still love you, but I would miss your spunk."

"Spunk?" I laughed.

"Emmett's word. It's a good word, though. You're a strong woman, who knows what she wants and considers her options. I was so afraid of telling you about me. I was afraid that the mating bond would make you accept things, without thinking it through. The worst about being a vampire are the regrets. I couldn't take it, if I thought you'd ever regret it, or regret anything. But, time and time again, you've shown me that you've considered the dangers, you understand them, and you accept them." Edward paused.

"You could just as easily have said 'to hell with the dangers' and ignored it all, but you didn't. You looked at it, considered it and decided…" He smiled happily at me. "I think that's why I feel more confident about your change, too. Knowing that you've really considered it is a huge relief."

"I see what you mean," I nodded my head. "In another universe, I might've just said that I wanted you, and ignored everything else. I don't want you in a position where you feel you have to blame yourself, because I refused to be better prepared…"

"Had you not focused on learning all about us, the good and the bad, I would've probably fought the idea of you becoming a vampire," Edward revealed. "I mean, I don't like to think I'm taking your soul away, but now I feel like it's not my choice. You've decided, and to ignore your choice would be wrong. Had you not thought things through, I might've overstepped your boundaries and chosen for you…"

We ended up snogging each other senseless until Charlie came home.

"What have you two been up to?" Charlie looked at our messy hair and rumbled clothed. I tried to smooth out my clothes without him noticing, but Charlie merely rolled his eyes at my poor attempt.

"Dad, I have something to tell you." I reached over to grab the large envelope on the table.

"You got in!" Charlie said, happily.

"Yes!" I rose from my seat hugged Charlie happily. Charlie was beyond excited and happy for me.

"Wait, where did you get in?" Charlie wondered, and we laughed. I handed him the envelope, which he opened. "Alaska, Anchorage," he read. Charlie beamed at me. "I'm so proud, Bells!" He hugged me tightly. "We should celebrate!" Charlie insisted we eat out, and Edward and I happily agreed.

Renee was ecstatic that I had been accepted at a college, but she complained that Alaska was cold and very far away. I told her I hoped she'd visit nonetheless. Edward had yet to meet Renee and Phil, and though I wanted them to meet, I was also slightly worried. My mother, despite her constant confusion, was perceptive. I hoped her mind would be open to Edward.

"I hope you'll stay for a while when I graduate. I'd like for you to get to know his family." I had practiced those words to sound nonchalant, but Renee saw through it right away.

"Really?" She laughed at the other end of the phone. "You make it sound so serious." Renee giggled. "He's your first boyfriend, but of course I'll meet them!" I tried not to grind my teeth at how she managed to disregard my relationship and the same time sound happy to meet them.

"Great," I replied, faking my enthusiasm. "I've got to go. Billy and Jacob are coming over." I had barely hung up when Jacob and Billy drove up to the house.

The evening with Billy and Jacob was tense. While my friendship with Jacob was good, Billy always got on my nerves. His constant reminders of what I would leave behind, veiled as to not make Charlie suspect anything, grated on me.

As graduation neared, Billy seemed to get more and more tense. His attempt to persuade me, and Jacob's obvious refusal at getting involved in the matter, made Billy more apparent.

"Billy, Bella should go to college!" Charlie snapped, one evening not far from graduation. "Of course I will miss her, but I want what's best for her and what makes her happy. I will not force her to stay in Forks, like the people on the Rez are!" Charlie thought mistakenly this was about me leaving for college. Sometimes, I wished I could tell him the truth.

Silence. I tried not to smirk at Billy. I enjoyed his discomfort.

"I think-" I joined the conversation. "- that Billy misses Rachel and Rebecca." My words made Billy narrow his eyes at me. I smiled sweetly at him. "You can always call them. I mean, it's not like anyone is keeping you from contacting them, right?" My words were bittersweet. Once I left Fork, I would not be able to return for a very long time – all because of Billy.

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