AN: Thanks Jimmy Rustled Bird for the beta-ing
Chapter 21: Who Will Be Pulled Under(Jyn)
A child places her hand on the roof of a school bus,
& drives across a city of sand. She knows
the exact spot it will skid, at which point
the bridge will give, who will swim to safety
& who will be pulled under by sharks. She will learn
that if a man runs off the edge of a cliff
he will not fall
until he notices his mistake.
– Cartoon Physics, part 1, Nick Flynn
Jyn feels unmoored from herself.
Untethered.
Floating somewhere outside her body, trapped in a haze that blurs everything around her into something twisted and strange.
The only thing keeping her anchored is the pain. The nerve endings screaming in every part of her body. Her chest hurts when she breathes, her leg hurts when she walks, and her head is one steady pounding ache. She thinks that being run over by a bantha might hurt less.
And the haze is clearing, at a slower than slow pace the blur is fading. But in its absence, a bone deep exhaustion is setting in. Every step is like lighting her leg on fire and turning her vision a little grayer.
She is leaning on Cassian.
Cassian is dressed as a stormtrooper...she knows it's Cassian because...she vaguely remembers a conversation about his accent, the accent no Imperial would have. She remembers a hand pressing against her shoulder and that hand felt so real. It doesn't quite fit together but she's almost positive the storm trooper she's leaning on is actually Cassian.
She's pretty sure she's run through this before...possibly several times, remembering where that accent belongs and remembering who she's with. Somehow they're being led around this place by a Jedi and she can't remember why that is, but Cassian seems to trust him and so she goes along with it.
She's not sure what they would be doing if she stopped going along with it...There was something they had to do...
She's gone through this before as well.
Sifting through what floats to the surface, she remembers what looked like a moon looming large in the sky, their ship floating through pieces of a planet, Stardust.
Her mind is tangle of half memories and misplaced thoughts.
She knows she's leaning on Cassian, they are going to do something that they had to do.
She knows she's exhausted.
It feels like they've been walking for an age when they stop. Her leg is screaming as she tries to stand, Cassian's hand digs into her side where he must be holding her up since she feels almost entirely liquid.
The Jedi...that boy called him Ben... he's looking at her, or possibly behind her. She can feel Cassian crane his neck to follow the man's gaze and she focuses on standing. Her body might have turned to gelatin when she wasn't paying attention, but she needs to stay upright. Cassian said they needed to go. There was something she had to do. Yet her eyelids are so heavy, everything feels weighted. It's tempting to just give in but she's startled from that thought when Cassian swears loudly and vehemently.
He's looking at her now. Both of them are and distantly she wonders what she missed.
"I asked if you were—" Cassian begins to say and then stops. She can't see his face with the helmet on but he looks away shaking his head slightly.
"I think you know that she—" Ben begins to say when Cassian interrupts him.
" I know, " and Jyn stands there and wonders what the kriffing hell they are talking about.
"We're almost to one of the main reactor terminals. I'll be quick with my part," Ben says.
"And you'll be using your..." Cassian trails off and makes some sort of empty gesture.
"I'm not a battery Captain. I can only keep us hidden for so long. It's hard enough keeping us all from view when she stands out so much," Ben replies and Jyn feels completely lost. She wants to sleep so much, her eyes slide shut and she thinks it will only be a moment.
Suddenly, Cassian is shaking her.
"Jyn, Jyn wake up," he's saying in her ear and when she opens her eyes the helmet's gone and she's staring at those familiar dark eyes.
"Hi," she says feeling like she should say something when he's so close and he lets out a sigh, briefly shutting his eyes like he's also very tired.
"Hello," he replies. To someone else he says, "We need to get her to a medbay after this. I'm not sure she'll make it to the Falcon without some bacta or something."
Right, it's the old man he's talking to. Ben.
They are walking again, or something close to it in her case. She feels divorced from her legs, or maybe her whole body except for the part where she feels like she's made of broken glass.
Time feels relative in that every second feels like an eternity and less than a second. She has no idea how much time passes when they turn a corner and stop again.
The walls around them have changed. Before it was over-bright straight never ending walls now it's dimly lit and curved. There's a column at the center of this room.
But instead of going over there, somehow she's on the ground now and she didn't fall. Cassian's tight grip on her arms might be the answer to how she got here, but she's just glad to be sitting.
The trooper helmet is gone again. She's fairly certain it came back at some point, but it's gone now. His hair is sweaty and pressed to his forehead. Something about that makes her smile.
Cassian meanwhile is looking around like he's trying to find something.
The Jedi, Ben stands over them and a tearing sound grabs Cassian's attention. It's the Jedi tearing a long strip of fabric off of his long brown robes. He hands it to Cassian who murmurs a quick thank you while Jyn settles against this wall she's leaning on. It's a lot easier to sleep sitting down.
Cassian's talking to her, or maybe he's been talking to her in a steady stream.
"Jyn, I need you to stay awake okay? Just keep your eyes open for me. You're doing great."
She wants to reply. Say a thank you or something...maybe ask him if he ever thought they would end up here when they met in that darkened room on Yavin IV?
"Jyn, I can't tell where the bleeding is coming from and I can't bandage your entire leg," he's saying and she suddenly recalls the knife in her leg with a flinch.
Cassian's moved back from her with his hands up.
"It's okay, it's okay. I just need to stop the bleeding," she's not sure why he backed away but she glances down at her leg. With the dark trousers there's no real sign of the hole that knife left except for the small slash in the fabric of the trousers. Without thinking she reaches out and prods at it. She hisses through her teeth at the pain and her fingers come away red.
Cassian's talking again.
"That's why I need to bandage that up okay? I just need to stop the bleeding," he sounds gentle, imploring. She remembers a beach being swallowed by light. 'Your father would be proud.' And he's watching her like he's waiting for something.
"Do you know where you are right now?" he asks and she doesn't. She mumbles a quiet, 'no,' and Cassian looks down at the fabric in his hands.
"We're on the Death Star, Obi-Wan is disabling the tractor beam. Bodhi is with your friend Han Solo and that boy Luke. They have the droids with the plans on them."
The Stardust plans...
As he speaks he is leaning forward and wrapping that brown fabric around her leg. His hands and the bandage are pressing down on what's still raw. She hisses again through her teeth as he works and then his talking becomes apologies.
"I know, I'm sorry but we need to stop the bleeding. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"
She doesn't know why he's sorry but she's too tired to ask him about it. The Jedi is at that column in the center of the room pushing buttons and pulling levers and she can barely keep her eyes open.
They slide shut.
" Damn it Jyn, I need you to open your eyes! " and he sounds almost frantic. She doesn't like hearing that and so she drags her eyes open again for the umpteenth time.
"'m sorry," she mumbles and he exhales hard, looking at her in a way that she can't quite comprehend right now.
"Don't be sorry," he tells her and she's too tired to understand but she nods her head just once. It makes the room spin a little, but Cassian's got a tight grip on her arm and that helps a little.
That's when they hear the clacking sound of trooper's footsteps coming down the hall and Cassian looks back at the column and the Jedi. She can't see the looks exchanged, Ben is a far away blur and Cassian's back is to her. Whatever communication happens, he faces forward and swears.
And suddenly he's bracing his hands against the walls like he's trying to hide her body from view...or trying to be a shield if the troopers have weapons...
She doesn't like this at all.
Her hands are heavy and shaking, but she lifts one to grab at his shoulder.
"Don't..." she mumbles and he's shaking his head at her as she tries to pull at his shoulder. He's pale and tired and she wants him to go and get some actual cover. She thinks she can remember another room like this one. Long and curved walls and a column in the middle. She thinks Cassian did something stupid then and got hurt. She thinks he might still be hurt although everything is still so muddled she thinks she remembers Cassian floating in a bacta tank and poking at a rib cage that was far from healed.
She thinks he got hurt trying to protect her.
She's trying to tell him but the words won't cooperate, like her mouth is made from mud. "...don't...please..." she manages and he replies, keeping his voice low.
"It's okay Jyn, it's okay," and she wants to object and tell him it's not okay . Those troopers are getting closer. They come to the threshold of the chamber. Cassian crouches over her, almost like an embrace without contact. He's close enough that she could lean forward and rest her head on his shoulder where her hand still clings. He's looking behind, him but the moment the trooper steps into the room Cassian locks eyes with her.
They're frozen in this unblinking stare as the troopers saunter in. She sees them over Cassian's shoulder, distant and hidden beneath those skeleton masks they wear.
"Do you know what's going on?" one trooper asks and the other replies with heavy sarcasm,
"Maybe it's another drill."
And then they just leave.
Cassian waits over her for a few extra seconds before pushing himself to his feet with a grunt and storming over to the Jedi where he seems to appear from thin air beside the towering column at the center of the room.
"You could have said something, I thought we were going to be shot!" he's angry and Jyn doesn't quite understand why, but his words lash out at the old man.
"I wasn't sure I had the strength to conceal you from here...I attempted it, but I'm not sure if I succeeded or if the troopers simply didn't notice you because you tried to hide."
Cassian is a pillar of frustration where he stands in front of the old man. Both of them seem very far away from where she sits against the wall. The room feels like it's slipping and smearing around her, like stars in hyperdrive.
The pair of them are still talking.
"Is it possible to find a medbay?" Cassian asks.
"Anything is possible, " the Jedi replies.
"Don't be coy."
"You could ask for directions again."
"Would you be able to conceal Jyn if I did?"
"I'm afraid I'm still not a generator Captain, I have limits."
"How would I know about your limits when you've been hiding out, doing nothing since the Clone Wars?"
She's very tired. The sudden silence seems to ring in her ears.
"Did you at least shut down the tractor beam?" Cassian asks.
"One moment," the old man replies before doing something else to the panel he's standing in front of. Then he turns to Cassian, a small brown blur facing a white blur on that catwalk leading to the center of the room.
"There are two more troopers headed this way, go now and ask them about the medbay," the old man says and Cassian cranes his head to look at the doorway. Then he seems to look at her.
She blinks and when she opens her eyes Cassian is kneeling down in front of her again.
"Are you with me?" he asks and the question sounds fragile. She nods once, it does nothing to help the vertigo but something around his eyes eases at her words.
"I'll watch over her," the old man is saying. He's right there, standing over her and Cassian.
Stormy eyes glance back at the Jedi before turning back to her.
"I'll only be a minute. Stay awake."
With that, he's gone and the Jedi (Ben) is kneeling down to look at her with clear blue eyes. She stares back blearily and wishes she could rest, but Cassian asked her not to so she stares at the old man.
It's the Jedi who finally breaks the quiet.
"I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you'll be alright," he says gently, even kindly, and his words feel like weights and they feel true.
"I wonder though, if you might pass something on to Luke for me when all is said and done?" he continues, the calm on his face marred by a sadness she doesn't understand.
"Something about his father..."
At that moment a trooper comes racing in and the Jedi is on his feet as Cassian tears the helmet off.
"There's a medbay, in the next section three halls down, room 5387," he says in a rush and above her the old man nods. She does too and when she opens her eyes Cassian's beside her again.
He's jamming his helmet on and he still sounds like Cassian as he murmurs, "Alright Jyn, it's time to move."
AN: For those who really like the literary quotes I actually changed Jyn's on chapter 2, her first chapter. I found a much better one. Also...Jyn's just having a terrible day you guys...