AN: Where in the world does time go? So I wish I could say that the chaos in my RL is over..but it isn't. Far from it actually. Bare with me here folks. I finally found my apartment, and my moving date is set for Sept. 15th. I'll be spending between now and then packing up everything I own, and subsequently tossing a bunch of what I own since I can't fit an entire house worth of crap in a crappy lil apartment. ::sigh:: Hopefully it won't take me long to get settled in once the bulk of the move is made, and my update schedule will return to normal. Sorry about the wait people, but bear with me and we'll get through it.
On a brighter note...this story is up for awards on various sites... Best All Human at The Razzle Dazzle Awards, Heatwave Award at The Shimmer Awards for the Salsa chapter you all loved so much lol, and Best Incomplete All Human Fanfiction at The Twilight All Human Fanfiction Awards.
For those of you who have read Breaking the Silence, it's up for the Damsel in Distress award over at the Twilighters Choice Awards.
And low and behold, Anywhere But Here has made it into the final voting rounds at the Indie Twific Awards for Best Collaboration. Please take a minute to hit up all the award sites and vote for your favorite stories. There are some awesome stories in all the nomination categories on each site...pretty damn tough competition too lol.
Go vote people! All links are in my profile! Support your favorite authors and stories!! ^_^
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but what I wouldn't give to join them in paradise!
Cristo Redentor…Redeem Us Please
BPOV
As if our afternoon hadn't been stressful enough, by the time we were approaching the restaurant Emmett had chosen for lunch, I wasn't sure who wanted to bail out of the back hatch of the truck while it was still moving more, Edward or myself. The teasing comments about the robes had ceased after my growled warning to Emmett, and instigations over Edward's secret proposal had diminished as well, but what took their place, in my eyes anyway, was infinitely worse. At least I could laugh about the robe comments or their undying curiosity over Edward's methods of "popping the question".
Alice and Rosalie's head first plunge into all details relating to engagement parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, wedding ceremonies, and receptions, had me tugging painfully at the roots of my hair as horrifying visions of giant white gowns, complete with fifty foot long trains and veils that made me feel as though I were pulling a mack truck behind me, and arriving at the altar looking as though I'd been dunked in a freaking swimming pool, assaulted the backs of my eyelids.
If it weren't for Edward's soothing touch and softly murmured words of reassurance that he'd be just as happy getting married by Elvis in Vegas, though I know he had to be joking, I sincerely think I would have scrambled over the back seat and launched myself out of the back of the truck as Emmett barreled down the road. Apparently my obvious stress over their rendition of my perfect wedding trumped his stress over what I thought was our perfect proposal.
By the time we had pulled into the parking lot and Emmett had cut the engine, I'd reached my breaking point, and very possibly spoke before I could even contemplate what I was actually saying. The words that had come out of my mouth would either come to be my greatest blessing, or would come to be the start of my personal vision of hell…with the only ray of sunshine capable of breaking through the monsoon of bridal horror being the fact that I would be marrying Edward. Somehow though, at the time, it seemed entirely worth it to bet the entire planning of our wedding against their inability to avoid mentioning it again for a full twenty four hours, if only to temporarily remove the horrific images from the backs of my eyelids.
It wasn't until after we'd successfully made it through an entire lunch, car ride, and a tremendous wait in line at Sugar Loaf Mountain, that I began to worry if I'd sold my soul to the devils themselves for just a few hours of peace and quiet, as they had yet to utter a single word that could even be minimally construed as being matrimonially related.
As we boarded the cog train, headed for the sky lift that would give us a supposed splendid aerial view of Rio, my hands began to shake and I became a fidgeting, bumbling, wobbling mess of frazzled nerves…and for once it wasn't because I was about to come face to face with my incredible fear of heights. Nope, I had actually found something that terrified me more than plunging thousands of feet to a messy death. And that fear came in the form of a pair of bride's maid-zillas, the bridal Nazis themselves…Alice and Rosalie.
"Love relax," Edward murmured in my ear. My head shot sideways as I looked at him incredulously.
"You're one to talk, Edward. You've been fretting all day over a proposal that I personally found to be perfect. I'm fretting over something that's going to rival the second coming of Hell on Earth," I whisper yelled back to him.
"Bella," he sighed, "There was nothing perfect about how I asked you to marry me…" he started but I cut him off.
"But it was perfect, Edward. It was perfect because it was perfectly us. Why can't you see that? Everything about us is spontaneous and unexpected. Why should how we got engaged be any different?" I retorted quietly. I noticed Emmett's gaze shift to me momentarily with questions burning in his eyes. Thankfully he shook it off and turned his attention back to Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper from where the four of them sat across and a few seats back from us. Seating had been rather limited when we'd boarded, and I couldn't have been more thankful for that fact at the moment.
"Because you deserve better than that Bella. You deserve to have me down on one knee in front of you, telling you all the reasons why you complete me and why you becoming my wife would make me the happiest man alive, not hovering over you and telling you all the things that I want… it was selfish and thoughtless and you deserve much better than that," he whispered in my ear.
"I also deserve to be able to enjoy the bliss that should be accompanying me right now instead of worrying about how you're stressing over something as trivial as how we arrived at this point. It doesn't matter how we got here…only that we're here. The way you're reacting to all of this only makes me wonder if it's really just how the proposal went that you regret or if it's the fact that you asked me to marry you to start with that's really got your panties in a twist," I muttered, my voice cracking as I turned my head away from him as I bit back the wave of nausea that my words induced.
Could that really be it? Is it not the proposal that's bothering him? Oh God…the way he pulled away when I made the comment about his family becoming mine…it's me…he regrets that it's me he asked…
"Bella…," he murmured, hooking a finger under my chin and gently trying to guide my gaze back to him. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back the moisture that had accumulated there, and jerked my head away from his hand. If that was the truth, I didn't want to hear it. I'd need to be on level ground to hear something that would shatter my world so thoroughly, not hundreds of feet in the freaking air. He sighed, muttering some choice curses under his breath and grabbed a more forceful grip on my face and turned my gaze toward him.
"Bella, how could you possibly think that I'd regret asking you to marry me?" he asked, the pain in his eyes clearly visible.
"I don't know…you tell me, Edward. You should be happy and wanting to scream it from rooftops the way I want to. Instead, every time it's mentioned you cringe or grimace, and when I commented about your family becoming mine one day you pulled away from me completely. What else am I supposed to think other than you really don't want to marry me?" I responded, looking straight ahead and avoiding his eyes.
Staring at the back of some stranger's head surprisingly helped me in keeping my voice steady, belying the chaos my emotions had erupted into beneath the surface. Outwardly I may have appeared calm, indifferent even, but on the inside I was anything but. I was a complete disaster on the inside, my stomach heaving and rolling with every thought that ran through my head, my heart rising to my throat and then dropping straight down to my feet at the thought that maybe I really didn't mean as much to him as he'd repeatedly said.
If this stupid train doesn't stop rocking I'm gonna throw up…God help me once we're in the air…
"Will you please look at me?" he pleaded, guiding my gaze back to him again. "I don't regret asking you to marry me, Bella. I only regret how I did it. And I'm sorry for pulling away from you in the truck, but I have a hard time controlling myself when I'm with you, and I didn't want to risk us getting carried away with all of them standing right outside," he said, his eyes darting between both of mine, begging and pleading for me to believe him.
"Are you sure this is what you really want? That I'm what you really want? Because if you want to back out, now's the time Edward. Don't wait until I getting ready to leave the island. It wouldn't be fair to me to keep stringing me along if this isn't what you want," I replied quickly. I came to the realization that if he was going to back out…there was no better time than right that second. Kind of like ripping off a bandaid. Why wait and keep putting it off, letting the glue adhere the stupid strip with even more force to your skin, when no matter when you ripped the stupid thing off, it would still hurt like bloody hell.
He smiled, one side of his mouth lifting slightly higher than the other in the adorably crooked way that made my knees weak, as his hand came up to cup the side of my cheek. Instinctively I leaned into it, relishing in the comfort that one simple gesture provided as I waited on pins and needles for his words.
"Love, there is nothing and no one in life that I want more than you. Please don't let my hang ups on what I messed up make you doubt us or how I feel for you. I've never been more certain of anything in my life than I am of us," he replied, his eyes blazing into my own leaving me with little ability to doubt the sincerity of his words.
"I swear I'll fix this, and it will be memorable and romantic and something we can share with everyone…including our future children and grandchildren," he said, grinning like a fool. I snorted and rolled my eyes as I chuckled and shook my head.
"I don't need for you to do it again, but if it'll make you feel better I'll go along with it. But can you please try to not let it bother you so much in the meantime? I hate knowing that you feel so ashamed about something that should have us deliriously happy right now," I pouted at him. He breathed a silent chuckle and swooped in for a kiss.
"I'll try, I promise," he whispered against my lips, sealing with another kiss just as the train came to a stop.
"Come on porn star," I chuckled, "Let's get this tragic plummet to my watery death over with."
"Are you really that afraid of heights?" he laughed, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind as we shuffled our way off the train.
"Absolutely petrified…only to be topped by the category five hurricanes that are Ali and Rose in wedding planner mode," I laughed back, my laughter possessing a very audible nervous edge.
"Love…what in God's name were you thinking making that bet?" he tittered as my face scrunched up and he pulled me into his side.
"I was thinking the few hours of reprieve would be worth it…now I'm not so sure," I replied, cringing as I laughed softly.
"Do you think they'll be able to do it?" he whispered in my ear as the rest of our group approached us.
"I don't know, but I'm sure as hell hoping they can't," I grumbled, scowling slightly at the smug grins of my two best friends as they approached.
"We're not gonna have a replay of the Great Adventure sky lift debacle from ten years ago are we?" Rose chuckled as she quirked a brow at me. I groaned and buried my face into the side of Edward's chest.
"Why? What happened at Great Adventure?" Edward asked innocently. I lifted my head and grimaced at him as I answered, "I threw up."
"That's putting it lightly," Alice laughed.
"Yeah well, I still claim there was a foul peanut on that candy apple I ate that day," I muttered as we made our way into our cable car.
"I don't think it was so much the peanut as it was the awful concoction of junk you ate that day. I mean really Bella, you ate funnel cake, cotton candy, ice cream, a candy apple, nachos, and a churro all within like two hours in hundred degree heat," Rose laughed. Just listening to the foods I had eaten that day was enough to make my stomach roll…I didn't even need to look out of the window yet. I closed my eyes and took in deep breaths through my nose to fight off the waves of nausea bombarding me and leaned back further into Edward's chest.
"Are you okay?" he whispered in my ear as his arms tightened around my waist. I nodded silently as I crossed my arms over his and caressed his forearms with my fingers.
A few minutes passed, along with queasiness I had been experiencing, and Edward urged me to open my eyes. I gasped as I did, my eyes drinking in the beauty of the scenery surrounding us. Straight ahead we had an amazing view of Sugar Loaf Mountain, standing tall and proud as it rises out of the water from the mouth of Guanabara Bay.
Edward, Emmett, and Jasper rambled off constant tourist information to us, and pretty much every other person riding along with us in the cable car, providing us with damn near every bit of information pertaining to the mountains we were traveling between that I would inevitably never remember. I would, however, remember the view of it all because it was simply breathtaking. I could only imagine how it would look at night with all the city lights of Rio shining brightly around the arc of Guanabara Bay. From the top of Sugar Loaf Mountain, I could even see Cristo Redentor way off in the distance.
Luckily, the queasiness I had experienced in the very beginning of our cable car journey remained at bay for the rest of our journey, though I'm fairly certain it was because I took Edward's advice and only looked outward and never straight down. I'm pretty positive that had I looked straight down as I had that day at Great Adventure, some people may have abandoned ship…or cable car.
"Em, we're gonna have to haul ass if we're gonna make it to Cristo Redentor today," Jasper said as we shuffled our way off the returning cog train.
"We'll make it man, don't worry about it. We'll probably make it in time to see it during the sunset," he replied as we set a quick pace to head back to the truck.
"Rose, how much space do you have left on that camera?" I asked curiously. She had been snapping pictures left and right all day…and not even exclusively at the tourist destinations. She had taken quite a large number of photos of all of us in the truck as well as at lunch.
"This card's almost full but…" she trailed off as she started digging around in her bag, "Shit where'd it go?"
"Where'd what go?" Emmett asked her as he looked over at her while starting up the truck.
"The spare memory card. I brought a second one just in case," she mumbled, still digging through her bag.
"A ha! Sneaky lil bugger. We're good Bells. I can put at least another six hundred or so photos on the spare card," she said, her smile victorious.
"What in god's name are you going to do with all those photos?" Jasper laughed as he shook his head.
"Honey, just because we take em…doesn't mean we keep em all," Alice laughed and then went into full on tutorial mode on Rose's final photo selection process. I snorted and shook my head as Edward leaned into me.
"Does Rose have some scientific method for everything?" he whispered. I snickered and nodded, not bothering to go into specifics because it would probably take up the rest of our vacation.
"Ali is just as bad…I just wait til they're done and pick a few from whatever they decided was good enough to keep," I chuckled.
The drive over to Cristo Redentor seemed to go by quickly with numerous conversations keeping our attention off the actual journey. Edward and Emmett had a lengthy discussion over things that needed to be tended to once we were all back on the island. Apparently Esme had called him earlier that morning and gave the boys an entire laundry list of tasks that needed to be done before their family started arriving. The more I heard about their "family" members, the more nervous I became to meet all of them. Edward assured me that the majority of them very down to earth and easy to like people…it was just the select few that the guys had a rather large distaste for. Among those select few were Jane, for obvious reasons, Irina, apparently because she was rather pretentious and self absorbed, and their Uncle Caius because he was a "crab-ass old man" as Emmett put it.
Alice, Rosalie, and I tried to volunteer to help, but of course, the guys wouldn't hear of it. They remained firm in their insistence that our days were to be spent enjoying our vacation, not scrubbing surfaces until they sparkled, or stocking villas, or getting things gathered and ready for the reunion festivities. Their absolute resolve on the matter kind of made me wonder if we'd ever be allowed to lift a finger to do a mundane task again. I couldn't imagine living my entire life being doted on…honestly it would drive me insane. There may be some women out there that would enjoy that type of treatment, but I was not one of them. I jokingly voiced that concern to Edward and he chuckled as he retorted with "Bella, even though I thoroughly enjoy doting on you, there is a major difference between real life and having paid to vacation at a resort. I don't recall people donning rubber gloves and do-rags being anywhere on our brochure."
Just as Emmett had predicted, we arrived at the station where the cog train destined for Cristo Redentor departs from just as the sun was beginning to sink lower in the sky. As we took our seats on the train, I couldn't help but overhear the couple sitting two seats ahead of us, speaking animatedly to the couple sitting in the row next to them about how they had come here their first day in Brazil and opted to take a cab up to the statue rather than the train we were boarded on. Edward and I laughed out loud as the woman began ranting about how her life had flashed before her eyes and she swore they were never going to make it to the statue that day with how fast the cab driver was driving on the windy road. She claimed that once they had arrived at the statue, they were too busy praying for a safe return to actually enjoy the sight of the monument.
As they had done during our cable car regaled us with tons of facts about the statue and the mountain, Corcovado Mountain, that it was built upon. Out of everything that both they, as well as the guide on the train, had told us, probably the only tidbit that would stick in my brain was the fact that the forestry that the train traversed was entirely planted by man. Much of what they said was lost on me as I was completely awed by the sneaking glimpses of views when the forestry parted. The train ride was slow, and much of it was at an incredibly steep incline that had numerous passengers moaning and groaning, but aside from the popping of my ears with the altitude change, it was rather enjoyable.
"Someone please tell me we are not climbing all those steps up to the statue," Rose muttered as we exited the train. I snickered under my breath, my aches and pains of the morning seeming to have disappeared throughout the day.
"Aw why not babe? It's the best way to do it," Em replied, "besides, even hobbles and wobbles over there seemed to have loosened up enough to do it."
"Emmett come on, you promised," I whined.
"What? I was just merely making an observation that the two of you weren't walking funny anymore. Though why the two of you would go so buck wild on each other knowing you'd be walking all day is rather puzzling," he chuckled.
"They were celebrating Em…well I guess still celebrating, or re-celebrating…whatever," Alice laughed. At that point even Edward was laughing softly over the whole morning debacle, and I breathed a sigh of relief that he seemed to be lightening up about it.
"Ali it only counts as celebrating right after. What they were doing this morning was all out fucking," Rose laughed as a bunch of heads turned in our direction.
"Rose!" I chastised, "We're on the steps of a freaking religious monument for crying out loud."
"Bells, don't be such a prude. Without fornication there would be no procreation, and if memory serves correctly…you become quite religious while defiling robes," she retorted as she rolled her eyes, causing a number of people to laugh and shake their heads as we climbed the steps of the monument.
"I swear only my friends would talk about sex on the steps of a religious monument erected in worship of a man birthed by a virgin," I muttered as Edward laughed.
"You know…this crap's been bugging me all day. When the hell did you have time to propose to baby girl last night? We weren't back long before Rose and I came to get you," Em said with a look of confusion as he looked between Edward and I.
"Exactly how long do you think it takes to ask "Will you marry me?" I told you it wasn't planned, well it was planned but not for that moment in time, so it wasn't some long drawn out affair," Edward responded, running a hand through his hair.
"Bro I know you. There's no way you were just standing around and suddenly blurted out "Bella will you marry me?" There's no freaking way," Em shot back.
"He's kinda right Edward. You may not have been a man of many words over the last few years, but when it comes to something that's important to you, you kind of have a tendency to babble," Jasper chuckled. I laughed quietly, thinking back to just how much he said before those words came out of his mouth.
"I don't understand what the big deal is over the whole thing. Most people would be divulging every single detail of it…well minus the whole having someone walk in on you having sex bit…" Rosalie said, but trailed off chuckling at first as she set her knowing eyes on my panicked ones and then laughing hysterically.
"Holy shit, Bella! I'm totally getting you a cake that looks like two people bonking in robes for your bachelorette party!" she guffawed.
And then it happened.
Right there, standing on the platform of a giant statue of Jesus flipping Christ, with swarms of people surrounding us, the sinking sun bestowed rays of clarified knowledge directly on Emmett and at the top of his lungs he bellowed, "Oh my fucking God! You proposed while you were plowing her?!"
Now on any given day in Edward's world, it would have been embarrassing enough for the information to come out to just the other four members of our group, but because Karma had some vindictive streak a mile long, not only did what he viewed as a reprehensible injustice in the holy lands of marriage proposals reach the ears of our friends and family, it also reached the ears of probably every person within a five mile radius…including a decrepit ninety something year old witch that just so happened to be walking past us. Before we could even confirm or deny his outburst, all hell broke loose around us as that ninety something year old witch instantly decided to transform her purse, that could rightly be considered luggage, into what could have potentially been considered a lethal weapon…right on poor Edward.
"Hey! HEY! Granny, back off!" I yelled as I tried to grab a hold of her flailing handbag as she muttered angrily. What the hell she was saying was lost among the ruckus of laughter and shouting that had erupted all around us. After quite a few swings of that wretched bag, I finally managed to get my hands on the straps long enough to stop yet another one of her swings and she backed up.
"You all should be ashamed of yourselves, talking in such foul taste in such a sacred place!" she scowled, hoisting the straps of her damn duffle bag over her shoulder. "And you…," she growled, pointing directly at Edward, "Did your mother never teach you how to court a lady?"
"Of all the vile things I've ever heard," she muttered, not even bothering to wait for an answer as she hobbled away.
"Are you happy now Emmett? Would you perhaps like to call Mom and Aunt Diane and share the news with them? Though I'm fairly certain they heard you from here," Edward roared as I stepped in front of him and placed my hands on his chest. We'd already made quite the scene, and I highly doubted adding any more violence into the mix would help matters any.
"I'm sorry…you should have just told me to start with," he sputtered, trying to suppress his laughter.
"I didn't want to tell you until I redeemed myself, but oh no, nothing in this family can ever be private. Hell you couldn't even keep it in the family, you had to go and tell all of goddamn Brazil and get me publicly flogged," Edward ranted angrily as I pushed against his chest.
"Come on…please calm down," I pleaded with him while reining in my own anger. I honestly didn't know who I was more angry at, Emmett for blurting it out to the world, the damn hag with the bag, or Edward for making such a big damn deal about it in the first place. The more they argued, and ignored my pleading, the angrier I got. The entire situation was beyond embarrassing, and their inability to let it go until we were in private was thoroughly pissing me off. Even Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie's attempts to get them to back down were fruitless and I finally reached my breaking point and stepped away, unwilling to be a part of the spectacle they were creating any longer.
"Rose…gimme your camera please. I've had enough," I muttered, holding my hand out for her camera. She looked at me sadly as she placed it my hand and quietly asked if I was okay and if I wanted her to join me. I shook my head and told her I was fine but I needed to be alone for a few minutes.
I walked off, leaving the entire debacle still raging in full force behind me. I couldn't even bear to look up and see the faces of the other tourists around me. If anything was coursing through me in greater quantities than the anger I felt, it was pure mortification. Shutting everything out around me, I focused solely on the camera and the views and started snapping away in a borderline obsessive fashion. I took shots of the surrounding area, some of the statue itself from various angles, and even some of the idiots once they finally finished arguing. I assumed Rosalie had warned them to give me my space, as none of them approached me for some length of time, but each time I turned my eyes to them, Edward's worried and sorrowful eyes locked on mine making me highly aware that the only sight he was seeing at our tourist hotspot was me.
By the time I made my way to the edge of the monument grounds, to a spot looking out toward the ocean and Sugar Loaf Mountain, I had run out of things to take pictures of and was left solely with my thoughts to keep me company. With everything that had transpired throughout the day, my mind was plagued with the question of whether or not it could have all been avoided. Even though he had said he planned to propose again the right way, or rather his version of the right way since I had no issues with the way he had done so originally, he hadn't let on just how much the way it happened was bothering him. If we had just talked about it, or if I had just asked how badly it truly bothered him, maybe we would have come to the decision to not say anything at all until after he had "redeemed himself". Hell, we could have even just come up with some fabricated story of how it happened if we had just actually talked about it instead of riding the emotional highs we were on and trying to screw each others brains out.
And then there was the question of why he was so damn bothered by it to begin with. I understood his wanting to have been more traditional in his actions; being down on one knee, having the entire event exude romanticism…to have had the ring, but why couldn't he see that the words he spoke were above and beyond any of it? Most proposals focus on the man providing the reasons why he loves the woman he's kneeling in front of, and while it's incredibly romantic, what Edward had done had surpassed it by a long shot because he made it about us not just about me. Hearing him tell me things he wanted for us and for our future was far more romantic than him just repeating the reasons why he loves me, the same reasons that he's told me numerous times during our time together. I couldn't see where any of that was faulty…funny simply because he was between my legs instead of down on one of his, but nowhere near faulty.
The only things his proposal lacked were material items…flowers, wine, scoreboards…whatever else he could have possibly come up with as well as a few items of clothes. All of which I could have cared less for. So was it really just the lack of those things that bothered him, or was it something else that was making it such an unbearable ordeal for him? And at that question I became stumped, not for a lack of possible answers, but for an overwhelming plethora of them. Although he had assured me that his issues resided solely with just the proposal itself, I couldn't completely disregard the possibility that he was merely placating my worries.
Was it really the proposal, or was it really me? There were so many different variables that could be plugged into the equation where the sum or product equaled his level of stress that it wasn't even funny. Things like the short length of time that we'd known each other and been together, the fact that we still hadn't met each other's families, or how quickly our relationship had taken root, and what real life after vacation would really be like…or the plain and simple fact that we still barely knew each other; all these things, and many more, could very well possibly be the real driving force(s) behind his stress. If that was the case, no matter which issue was the instigator, it might not be so much that he was stressed, it was entirely possible that he was downright panicking…and now so was I.
I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it if he broke down and said he'd made a mistake. I had accepted his proposal because I knew deep down that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to spend the rest of my life getting to know him inside and out, learning new things about him each and every single day. The knowledge of him being the one wasn't something I had to learn, it was just there, as if it had always been there but I hadn't known it because it hadn't been brought to life until that magnetic pull between us sparked when we'd met. My biggest fear now was what was I going to do if that knowledge was the only thing I had left when I went back to Seattle?
"It's beautiful isn't it?" I murmured as Edward's arms encircled me from behind. My heart pounded against my chest, equal parts love and anguish with each painful beat. In some part of my brain I knew I should voice my concerns, but in another part, a much larger part, I feared that in doing so I would lose whatever time I had left with him…so I remained silent.
"Yes…you are. A thousand times more beautiful than any scenic view at sunset," he replied softly, nuzzling against the side of my neck. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of being complete wash over me, temporarily drowning out my worries and fears, resolved to just be in this moment with him.
"How's your arm?" I asked lightly, a teasing smile lifting the corners of my lips.
"It's fine…the old bag packed quite a punch but the only thing hurt was my pride, and that's no one's fault but my own."
"Bella," he sighed. My eyes closed as my breath stilled, praying with everything in me that this wasn't going to be the moment that my entire world collapsed around me.
"Yeah?" I whispered, too afraid to actually speak.
"I'm sorry. I acted like a complete imbecile back there. I should have been more focused on your feelings instead of my own stupid pride that I only succeeded in damaging even worse by acting like a gargantuan jackass." His arms tightened around my waist as he spoke and I heaved a sigh of relief at his words…and then giggled, apparently drunk off my relief.
"Did you just say gargantuan?" I chuckled, turning in his arms to see his face void of any humor, but overwhelmingly apologetic as he nodded slowly.
"Jackass yes…but I'm not sure about the whole gargantuan thing. That just sounds weird coming from you," I laughed lightly.
"I suppose I could have gone with behemoth, elephantine, colossal, or gone complete junior high and said super-duper," he joked back. I snorted and shook my head.
"Bella," he said, his voice completely serious, not a trace of amusement to be found. I looked up at him as his eyes closed and his head shook before they opened and focused on me, allowing me to see into the emerald depths that I loved so much.
"I can't even begin to say how sorry I am. I wish I could take it all back…make everything that happened this afternoon disappear somehow, but I can't. If I would have known that things would have gone this far over something that seems so trivial now, I would have just told them to start with and put up with all the wisecracks. I'm so sorry…can we…can I just do this all over? Please? It's not even about how it happened anymore…I just want the memory of the beginning of our lives to not be marred by my reactions."
The whole time he spoke he stared deeply into my eyes, imploringly, looking for answers, and pleading, begging me to allow him to fix whatever he felt had gone wrong. Up until the blow out, I hadn't found a single fault with how the start of our lives together began. Had that huge argument not taken place, I would have again told him that I didn't want nor need for him to make a second attempt, but it had, and suddenly I did. I needed it for both of us. I needed it for him so he could find whatever reprieve he was looking for in it. I needed it for me so I would know that he was asking me to marry him because he wanted me to be his wife, not because he was caught up in the passion while we made love.
"Okay," I said quietly, nodding slightly as I looked up into his eyes. "Okay," I said louder, causing a grateful smile to grace his face.
"But," I said strongly, placing a hand on his chest. His smile disappeared as he looked at me warily. "I have a few requests."
"Name them…it's the least I can do for messing all of this up so thoroughly," he said quickly, taking both of my hands in his as he held them against his chest. I half sighed and half laughed as I shook my head.
"Nothing over the top. I mean it," I said, looking at him sternly. "I don't want like banners being pulled by planes for everyone on the island to see, or some embarrassing public proposal that puts the spotlight on us or anything. Just us, Edward… please…that's all I ask, just us."
"I promise love…just us… and I swear I won't forget the ring this time," he chuckled as he bent down for a kiss. He pulled back with a contented sigh and tucked a flyaway hair behind my ear as he looked lovingly down at me.
"I know you wanted to be alone for a while, but they're gonna be ushering us out of here soon. Do you want to join the group again? They promised to behave," he said softly. I sighed and nodded as I stepped back and laced my fingers through his.
We walked slowly back over to the others, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I tried not to focus on the what ifs of our relationship, and only on the fact that we were here and together, and hopefully would still be together when my time here came to an end. From his apology and apparent desire to still want us to get married, I had to trust in us…trust in him, but still, the questions loomed over my head like a foreboding rain cloud, ready to burst and drench me in a torrential downpour of insecurity.
I couldn't stand where we currently were, stuck in this hellish limbo between happiness and heart fail. Had this been one of my literary tales, it was in this moment that the world would begin to crumble around my imagined characters. It was in this moment that reality would become too much for them to handle and they would buckle and fail under the pressure, but this wasn't one of my fiction based stories, this was my life and I had to have faith that it wouldn't end the way I had written it so many times.
I didn't want the short story version romance. The kind that blazes hot and flickers and dies out quickly. I wanted the lifelong epic tale, the multi-volume unending story…the kind of romance that burns slow and deep, keeping you warm on frigid nights and providing light for you to focus on in your darkest moments. The only problem was the fire that burned between us had been blazing hot and out of control since the very beginning and had begun to torch everything around us. I wasn't sure if either of us could endure the inferno until it could be tamed into something we could sustain for a lifetime. I feared that in trying to contain it, we would end up burning not only ourselves, but each other as well.
As we approached the group, I couldn't help but notice Emmett's expression, lingering between nervousness and remorse as he shuffled in spot uncomfortably. It was as if he was expecting me to blow up at him, which was the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. Anything leading up to what had happened this evening was irrelevant. The only thing that mattered to me was what happened from here. If we would make it out of this entire debacle together, and stronger than we had been, or if we'd fall and buckle under the pressure.
I tried to act normally, forcing jokes about putting Ali and Rose in the stupid muu muus and hair curlers, and even tried joking with Emmett about his foot in mouth disease being more severe than my own, but they all fell pretty fairly flat. All my laughter sounded strained, even to my own ears, and it caused quite a few curious and worried glances in my direction. The truth was, the instability of the ground we were standing on was eating me alive. It felt as if we were balancing our worlds on a tightrope and I wasn't sure what the proverbial feather that landed on the pile and caused it to come tumbling down would be.
Was he really at ease now that everything was out in the open and there was nothing to hide? Would he be able to tolerate the jokes that would inevitably ensue at some point, or would they cause him to start stressing out yet again? I wasn't sure. The only thing that I was still sure about was how I felt for him, and that he was the only person I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with. Everything else seemed to have taken up residence in some undefined gray area.
There were so many questions I wished I could ask, but I was unsure as to whether or not asking them would make matters worse. Would me asking him if he was really sure about marrying me, or if he was really ready for this step, cause him to be unsure about a future together with me if he wasn't already? Furthermore, if I asked, would he even tell me the truth if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, or would he reassure me that it was, in fact, what he wanted even if he wasn't quite as sure as he had been just last night. The fact was, I didn't know, and without asking I wouldn't ever know, but at the same time by asking I ran the risk of implanting that seed of doubt in him that might not be there currently. It was this revolving carousel of thoughts that plagued me the entire rest of the night. By the time we made it back to the hotel I was thoroughly exhausted and wanted nothing more than to take a hot shower and go to sleep.
As we stepped off the elevator and parted ways, I realized that it wasn't just my relationship with Edward that was now on unsteady ground. Emmett and I now had an awkward distance between us with him seeming unsure of how to approach me, and me outright dodging his worried glances in my direction. Jasper's concerned eyes routinely drifted between both Edward and I which only fueled my anxiety. It was almost as if he could see the ground breaking apart beneath our feet. Rosalie and Alice, by the looks they were giving me, were sure to pounce on me at the first moment of privacy for the three of us, and I was entirely unsure of what to say to them. Would they even understand my concerns, or would I just end up sounding like a crazed lunatic? Would it even matter how I sounded if it relieved some of the anxiety I was feeling?
"Baby, are you okay? You've seemed kind of out of it tonight," Edward stated as we entered our room. I looked up at him and smiled faintly as I nodded.
"Yeah I'm fine…I'm just exhausted," I said, not exactly lying because I really was exhausted…just more mentally and emotionally than physically. "I'm just gonna take a quick shower before bed."
"Okay," he sighed as he nodded and caressed my cheek with his thumb. "I love you, I'm sorry for today. You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. I love you too, I'll be out in a few minutes," I said as I leaned up to place a tender kiss against his lips before wandering off into the shower.
As the hot water streamed over my skin, I listened as Edward went through his nightly routine at the sink. It suddenly dawned on me that even though we weren't married yet, we had been basically living the lives of a domesticated couple. There wasn't any of that awkward new relationship nonsense between us. Here we were, one of us in the shower, the other standing at the sink brushing his teeth and shaving, the entire scenario something more suited to a couple that's been married for years as opposed to a couple that's been dating for weeks. It was ridiculous that I could be comfortable in that situation but somehow find myself incapable of talking to the man I loved.
"Love, I'm heading to bed. Do you mind if I turn the air up? It's kinda warm in the room," he asked as he stopped in front of the glass doors of the shower.
"That's fine…I'll be out in a minute," I replied as I squeezed some soap onto my sponge. He departed the bathroom, closing the door behind him and leaving me to my thoughts.
I realized that I had two choices in this situation. I could talk to him, air out my concerns and hopefully iron out any insecurities that we had, or I could say and do nothing and possibly watch it all crumble around us. If he was unsure about how fast we were moving, I wanted to know. I needed to know, because I didn't want us to rush into this if it was possible that he would regret it later on in life. I needed to know that this was what we both wanted, not just what I wanted. I fully believed that we could work through anything, but avoiding it wasn't going to be working through anything at all. If anything it would be making an even bigger mess of the entire situation.
We can do this…we'll talk it out and decide what's best for us together. If he's worried that we're moving too fast, I'll reassure him that I can wait, that I will wait, because I love him and I only want to be with him…
With my resolve set, I stepped out of the shower thoroughly pruned and water logged, and toweled off quickly. I brushed my hair and dried it enough so that it was just damp and not completely saturated, and brushed my teeth quickly before stepping into the room wearing just a pair of panties and the t-shirt Edward had left me in the bathroom.
My face fell as I turned off the bathroom light and looked over to the bed. Edward was fast asleep, laying on his back with one arm raised above his head and only the sheet pulled up to his waist. I climbed into the bed, hoping he wasn't truly asleep, but that hope dwindled quickly as he didn't stir at all with my movements.
"Edward?" I whispered, running my hand down his arm at his side. He hummed faintly but otherwise remained still.
"Edward?" I voiced quietly, holding his hand between both of mine.
"Hm?" he murmured, pulling me down to his side and rolling slightly toward me.
"Can we talk for a minute?" I asked as I wrapped my arm around him and caressed lazy patterns on his back.
"Mmhmm," he mumbled, pressing his cheek against the top of my head. I took a second to gather my thoughts before speaking.
"You said earlier that I seemed to have been out of it tonight, and I have been. I'm worried, Edward. I'm worried about us, about whether or not you're sure that this is what you want, that being married to me is what you really want. If you think this is moving too fast, we can slow down. I love you more than anything and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I don't need us to be married right away to know that you love me too. I know you do. If you're not ready for this, it's okay. I can wait until the time is right for both of us, until we're both comfortable with taking this step," I rambled quietly. The room was silent as I stopped talking and I tensed briefly, wondering if I'd said something that caused him to be so silent.
"Edward? Talk to me please…whatever it is we'll work through it. I promise even if you're not ready, I'm not going anywhere," I said, closing my eyes as my hand stilled on his back. Still there was no response moments later. My brow furrowed as my eyes opened and I twisted and pulled back just enough to see his face.
"Edward?" I asked, and sighed exasperatedly when I got no response.
"Well that's just perfect," I grumbled, eyeing in his peaceful sleeping face.
"Hm? Wha's perfect?" he murmured and I smiled sadly at his confused face as I pressed a kiss to his lips.
"You are," I whispered and then turned in his arms to curl myself into his embrace. His arms tightened around me as he nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck and hummed as he pressed a kiss to the skin there.
"Mmm…my perfect Bella," he slurred sleepily. "Love you."
"I love you too. Sweet dreams baby," I replied as I closed my eyes, a single tear escaping me, and resolved myself to talk to him in the morning.
AN: I just want to say thank you to all of you who have read/reviewed. I haven't had the time to respond to every review as I usually do, and I apologize for that. You guys have been awesome with all of the support you give me in writing this story ^_^ Please know that I do read all of them...usually when I have a down time at work... and I appreciate every single one of them. Much love to you all! Please don't forget to go and vote for your favorite stories, some of the deadlines are rapidly approaching. On behalf of myself and every other nominated author, we thank you kindly ^_^. Oh and REVIEW! LOVE YAS! ~Jersey~