21. Seeking wisdom

Olivia was nervous as hell. She hadn't slept well at all and she was up way to early for a Saturday. Why was Elliot back here again? And with his best friends? He had said that he couldn't stop thinking about her. So that hadn't just been another line? It was the second time he'd come all the way out here to talk to her. She couldn't deny that it was flattering, but it also scared her. She was afraid to admit that she couldn't forget about him either.

His business card was tucked away safely in the drawer of her nightstand. She'd looked at it often but she had told herself she couldn't keep thinking about him. She was afraid to lose control over her own heart again. No way was she going to call the cop from the city. What would she say? She knew he wasn't Dean and maybe it wasn't fair to project her pain and insecurity on Elliot. That was what her head was telling her. And Kathy, of course. But she'd lost her heart to a man once before and he had shattered it. She couldn't go through that again.

Now, only a few days after she had broken up with Nick, he was here again. He couldn't have known, could he? No. She shook her head. She was pacing in front of the mirror in her bedroom and stopped to look at herself. When she looked closely, she didn't just see a nervous person. She also looked a little excited. She dreaded meeting Elliot again, but somehow, she was also looking forward to seeing him. She blew out a breath slowly. She needed some distraction. Or a few wise words. But who could she bother this early in the day? She could only think of one person.

It was crazy to be walking to the ice cream shop around nine in the morning on a Saturday in December. It had started snowing a little but the flakes melted as soon as they hit the ground. Why Rafael Barba was even keeping his shop open during the winter, she didn't know. But she was glad he was always there. He lived right above the little shop and she knew he was always up early. She suspected that he actually was a very wealthy man, probably family money, and that the ice cream shop was just a hobby. Rafael was in his early forties. He'd lived alone for as long as she'd known him, which was about ten years, and he was always up and about before 7 AM. Sure enough, he was already busy mopping the floor of the little shop when she got there.

"Hey Livia, what brings you by so early?" Rafael asked her.

She sighed and he held one hand up.

"Say no more. Come. Sit. Coffee?"

Before she could answer him, Rafael had shuffled away to make them both a cup of Cappucino. She sat down at the table she'd sat at with Elliot once and shook her head. They had only spent three days together, yet the memories of those three days seemed to be everywhere. After sipping her coffee quietly, she put her cup down and looked at the man sitting across from her. He wasn't a friend like the ones she'd hang out with, but he had been a beacon for her a few times. Someone who would listen to her without judgement and who would put things in perspective with just a few words of wisdom. And she needed wisdom today.

"Do you remember I came in here once last summer at night with a guy?" she asked Rafael.

Rafael scrunched up his nose and looked in the distance.

"You usually come in alone, or with your blonde friend. Or that young Latino that's smitten with you," he answered.

Olivia couldn't help chuckling at his description of Nick.

"This was another guy," she continued. "He's from out of town. Tall, broad shoulders. Bought me the biggest lemon ice cream and had a small vanilla himself."

"Ah, him!"

Rafael remembered now. The guy that had stared at her while she licked her ice cream.

"What about him?"

Olivia tried to explain to Rafael that she'd spent a whole weekend with this man and that he'd made her feel things she had never expected to feel again. Not after Dean. And that it had scared her. And that he was back in town and she thought he had felt something for her too.

"Had felt or still feels?" Rafael asked quietly.

Olivia sighed and leaned her elbows on the small table.

"He's driven out here from New York City twice since then to see me."

Rafael took another sip of his coffee and set it down as well.

"Still feels then. So what's the problem?"

Olivia bit her lip. What was the problem?

"Livia, I may seem like the proverbial bachelor to you, never been in love, never will be, but this is not true," Rafael told her. "I have Italian blood running through my veins, and I know what passion and love feel like. And I can tell you one thing. If I had taken a chance fifteen years ago in stead of worrying about getting hurt, I would most likely not be a bachelor today."

Olivia's eyes had gone wide. She truly had had no idea. Rafael never talked about his own life with her or his other customers.

"What happened, Rafi?" she asked softly.

"Short version. I fell head over heels in love with a beautiful woman that I met while on holiday. Made the huge mistake of not chasing after her when we both went back home after spending a week together. She married someone else two years later."

Olivia really felt bad for him, and asked him,

"Why didn't you stay in touch?"

Rafael shook his head.

"She lives in another state. I figured it'd never work out. I should have at least tried though."

Olivia blew out a breath slowly. This all sounded way too familiar.

"All that I got from not trying was that I lost her forever. I could never truly love another woman again."

Olivia wanted to reassure him. To tell him that he was still young enough, that he could fall in love again. But the words got stuck in her throat. Seeing the man in front of her regretting everything that never was, was horribly confronting. If he'd only taken a chance, his life could have been so different.

She remembered Nick's words when they talked about how their relationship wasn't working, and how it might cost them their lifelong friendship if they continued they way they had over the past few months. Nick had been sad, but also very strong. He had told her,

"Liv, if we hadn't tried, I would never have been sure. Maybe I would have wondered for the rest of my life what could have been. Now we know, right? That we weren't meant to be. I can finally put the idea behind me. I will love you forever but I can accept now that you are not in love with me, and never will be. I guess I can only thank you for giving us a try, and for helping me see me that I need to move on."

She had cried a little but the truth of his words was comforting, too. He still loved her, like she still loved him, but friends were all they were ever going to be. She had apologized for using him but Nick would have none of it. He had used her too, hadn't he? Olivia didn't see it that way. She knew, deep down, that she had fled to Nick when Elliot had moved something inside her that she hadn't been ready to deal with. And she hadn't known if she would ever be ready to deal with it, until now. Until Rafael's confession.

Was she willing to be stuck in 'what if's' for the lest of her life? What was the worst that could happen anyway? Trying, and then finding out they weren't working? It hadn't shattered her when she and Nick decided they weren't working and it hadn't shattered Nick either. He would need time to get over his feelings for her, but like he had said, at least he knew now. Wasn't that worth something?

Rafael had been watching her silently while she thought things over. There was sadness in his eyes because of the memory of losing the woman of his dreams. He had regretted not going after her for the past fifteen years and she admired him for the way he had made a life for himself anyway, while living with that regret. There was life after loss. She was living proof of that herself. She had felt broken after losing Dean and their baby but she was still here. And she was still capable of feeling, apparently. If she didn't open herself up to the possibility of loving again, she might be stuck in what if's for the rest of her life too.

"I know people learn most from their own mistakes, Livia," Rafael said softly. "But I ask you to learn from my mistake this time. What's the worst that can happen?"

Olivia smiled.

"I asked myself the same thing just now, Rafi," she acknowledged.

"He's come to see you twice now so he is definitely interested. But he won't keep coming forever Livia. You are going to have to meet him halfway if you want to see where it might go."

She pursed her lips and nodded. Rafael was right. She shouldn't make his mistake. Elliot was taking a chance, coming back for her. He wanted an answer to his 'what if'. And she knew that when it came down to it, so did she.

...