Chapter 21
"Kanda has a good reason usually," Lenalee said.
"Does he?" Allen said. "I doubt so."
"To be sure, Lena," said Lavi, "he doesn't always. Sometimes he can be a little silly. Let me have a talk with him –"
"That might be for the best," said Lenalee.
Lavi moved to the door and opened it. "So I'll –"
"No," Allen said.
"Oh," Lavi said, taking a sudden step back. "Looks like I won't need to look for Kanda for a chat, because he's right here. Were you eavesdropping, Yu?"
"Idiot," Kanda said, stepping into the room. "I have something to say to her," he said. Noting Lavi staring at him with his mouth still open, Kanda frowned. "In private," he added.
:::
"You ought to be doing your work now, Komui," Reever said. He placed his mug back on its usual spot; there was no more coffee in it, and dirty brown stains lined the white sides of the mug. "We're all busy, and you're off gallivanting?"
"I am not gallivanting," Komui said. "I'm going to check on Allen."
"You can do that later, she's not in any grave danger," Reever said.
"And how do you know that?" Komui asked. "See, you were skiving too, Reever."
"I wasn't," said Reever. "I heard it from Lenalee when she was on her way to see Allen."
"It must be important if Lenalee thought to tell you," Komui said, wrenching the doors open.
"No you can't," Reever said, standing up and pulling Komui back. "Do your work, Chief. We don't have all the time in the world."
"Help us, Chief," Tapp said from a desk somewhere. Komui couldn't see Tapp when he looked; the voice appeared to come from a desk heavily stacked with old files and what looked like the carcass of a cat.
"Is that a dead cat?" Komui asked, his escape plans momentarily forgotten.
"Yeah," Reever said, shrugging. "Doesn't it look like one? Pretty, isn't it?"
Komui's mouth very nearly dropped open. "Good heavens, Reever, are you mad? Why haven't you removed that dead cat?"
Reever shrugged again, flipping through a thick sheaf of parchment. "It's not really dead. We were experimenting on something, and then that cat came along and ate one of those strange capsules you developed last week. We couldn't wake it up, we're still trying to develop an antidote. Speaking of which… maybe you ought to do something about it, since you caused the problem."
"Me?" Komui said, jumping back. "Oh, no, no, not me. Too busy, my dear man."
"You appear to be quite free," Reever said cheerfully. He replaced the sheaf of parchment and reached for another stack.
"You are quite free indeed, Komui," a new voice said.
The smile disappeared from Komui's face. "General Cross," he said, spotting the general just across the room. "What brings you down here?"
"You don't seem pleased to see me," Cross said. "It's not every day a dashing general comes to visit, is it? I don't get a rousing welcome?"
Komui coughed. "Hmm. But I wasn't expecting you… do you have bad news for us?"
"Well, a warning," Cross said. He glanced at the tired workers of the department. "Could be a spy here, let's go to your office, eh?"
Komui let Cross into his office. "The things you say, General… I trust them all. Every one of them."
"Of course you do," Cross said. "But I don't. I'm sure there's a spy somewhere, and I mean to ferret him – or her – out. The sooner the better."
"A spy, you say?"
"I did say that," Cross said. "You're a bit too young to be having hearing problems, eh?" He laughed.
Komui merely pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Who do you suspect?"
"No one yet – not clearly, at least."
"We see through a glass, darkly," Komui said. "Leverrier's priest preached that this past Sunday. 1 Corinthians."
"Yes, he did," Cross said. "That mass was boring. Can't we have the other priest back? Leverrier is terrible and so moral. But that's not what I came here to tell you."
"Yes?" Komui said.
Cross paced the room, his well-polished shoes rubbing against the frayed edges of the Persian carpet. "I've been to see Allen," he said. "The brat doesn't seem to be doing so well. I'm worried."
"That's unlike you, General," Komui said.
"I know, I know, I'm mellowing," Cross said. He picked up a bronze bust and weighed it in his hands. "Is this new? I don't recall seeing this," he said.
"Inspector Leverrier gave it to me," Komui said.
Cross inspected the bust. "You'd better put it away," he said. "Who knows if he managed to find a way to put a golem inside?"
"Do you think so? I'll have 65 take a look at it later," Komui said. "What about Allen?"
"I've heard from Froi that Kanda Yu isn't doing so well too," Cross said. "They're both moping around these days. I fear something has happened between them. Our plans are at stake."
"Do you know what exactly happened?"
"No," Cross said. "I told Allen not to fall for Link's tricks, though. A sad girl pining for her lover is easy prey. I should know. Done it plenty of times, the luring is easy when the girl is sad."
"Indeed, who better to know?" Komui said. "But I think you're mistaken, General Cross. Allen's affection for Kanda is hardly that shallow."
"It's hard to say, when she's quite heartbroken," Cross said. "Maybe I should threaten Kanda Yu…"
"Don't do that," Komui said. "Let's not interfere."
"Hev said the same," Cross said. "But Kanda Yu isn't doing anything. What about our plans, eh?"
"We'll let fate run its course," Komui said.
"But that bloody scum of a Leverrier –"
"General, I'll take care of it," Komui said gently. "I'll take care of Allen and Kanda. I'll protect them."
Cross looked at Komui. In spite of the unruly long black hair and the glasses which sat askew on his nose, Komui looked much older than he had been the last time Cross took a good hard look at him. Komui had changed since his rookie days; he had been a bright-eyed, enthusiastic young man once, a man barely out of his tempestuous teenage years, a young man who had been excited about entering the noble fight in this city on the frontier. Now, there were lines around his eyes and a certain gravity that would appear when Komui had a need to appear serious.
Cross sighed. He reached into his pocket for his pipe. "I hope you'll be able to do that, Komui."
"I will try my best," Komui said. He got up, reached for a document. "Perhaps it is time to tell them the truth."
"Kanda Yu knows, I believe," Cross said.
"Does he?" Komui said. "That would be nearly impossible. How could he know?"
"That boy has his ways," Cross said.
"Nevertheless, I will owe them an explanation soon," said Komui.
"You'll have to convince the other chiefs and generals," Cross said. "How do you plan to do that?"
"I have no answer to that, General," Komui said. He buried his head in his upstretched hands; the interview was over.
As Cross turned away, he thought he saw some grey strands in Komui's deep-black hair.
:::
Kanda moved away from the door so that Lavi and Lenalee could leave. The door closed, and the room was still. Silence reigned here while Allen and Kanda stared at each other.
"How are you?" Kanda asked at last.
"My ankle is a little sprained," said Allen. "It'll heal soon."
"That's good," Kanda said. He brought a hand up to his mouth, covered it, then uncovered it again. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing against the canvas of his neck.
"Here to lecture me about Link again?" Allen asked.
Kanda coloured a little. "No," he said.
"Then why are you here?" Allen asked. "You were the one who said we should stay away from each other."
"I know," Kanda said. "I came because I was worried."
"You've seen me, you don't have to be worried any longer," said Allen.
"Why won't you take my advice about Link?" Kanda asked, crossing his arms. "I've told you so many times –"
"I don't want to listen to this," Allen said. "Cross just told me off for spending time with Link. I don't need to hear you lecture me on this too."
Kanda's eyes widened slightly. "General Cross said that?"
"He did," Allen said. "So, enough. Please."
Kanda took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I know you think I'm trying to control your life," he said. "But that's not my intention."
"Then what is your true intention?"
Kanda opened his eyes and stared straight into Allen's. "I want to make sure you're not hurt in the end."
"So this is another obligation to you? Another duty you have to fulfil to keep your honour?"
"Yes," Kanda said. "And because we are – we are colleagues."
"Colleagues," Allen repeated. "Well, then, alright, I've heard you, my colleague, but I won't guarantee that I will stay away from Link. He has been assigned to me, after all, and Inspector Leverrier wouldn't be happy if Link cannot carry out his duties."
Colleagues? she thought to herself. Is that what we are? Not even friends? What have I come to, that I'm worrying about my relation to Kanda? Have I already fallen for him? Surely not?
"I won't say anymore at present, then," Kanda said.
To Allen's surprise, Kanda did not leave after saying his piece. Instead, he sat on the chair which had been recently vacated by Lenalee.
"What are you doing?" Allen said.
"Watching over you," Kanda said.
"Where are my guards?"
"They're taking a rest," Kanda said. "I gave them a break. I will stay with you till their next shift starts later."
Allen's heart pounded against her chest. "I would rather you not stay," she said. "Are you doing this out of pity?"
"No," Kanda said. "Rest. You should stop talking."
Allen rolled over in her bed, heart still beating furiously against her chest. What's this? Why am I doing this? Why do I feel like this? It did not occur to her to confront Kanda about her affections, for she was convinced, after their Christmas talk, that he did not feel anything for her.
:::
"He's still in love with her, I'm sure of it," Lavi said.
"I suppose so," Lenalee said. She rested her chin on her cupped hands, staring into the distance. "But he's not doing anything about it, so I'm not sure why you're so optimistic."
"I'm not being optimistic," Lavi said. "We should ask Komui about this. He might have some advice."
"What advice could he give?" Lenalee said. "I love my brother, but he's married to his work. He hasn't had a romantic incident in years."
"Well, he's older than us nonetheless," said Lavi. "Or we could ask General Cross for ideas. Or General Tiedoll. General Tiedoll might work… he managed to convince a lady to marry him, after all."
"Perhaps," Lenalee said. "Or perhaps we oughtn't try to interfere. Perhaps Kanda has his reasons for staying away from Allen."
"You know something about it? Why do I not know?" asked Lavi. "I'm his best friend!"
"Maybe we should tell Brother," Lenalee said, as if she had not heard Lavi. "Perhaps you're right. Maybe Komui knows why Kanda is acting this way."
Lavi stretched his hands behind his back, laughing. "Didn't you just warn me against interfering with them?"
"Yes, but I feel uneasy about it all," said Lenalee. "I don't understand this."
"There are a lot of things we don't understand in this world," Lavi said. "So many things are mysteries… I wish I could understand every single thing."
"Unlikely," Lenalee said. She smiled and stood up. "But you'll understand more about the world than most of us, anyway. Insufferable."
"You know you love me," Lavi said gaily.
Lenalee flushed. "Let's go find Brother," she said, turning around.
Lavi had seen the flush, and drawing strength from the hope that Lenalee's flush might indicate a coming turning point in their friendship, he skipped down the corridor beside Lenalee.
"Why're you so happy?" she asked, smiling faintly.
"I just am," he said.
"You can be such a strange person at times," she said. "But it's good… you always lighten the mood. We need that here."
"I'm a ray of sunshine," said Lavi as he pushed open the heavy doors that led towards Komui's office.
"Indeed you are," Lenalee said, laughing. "Oh, Reever's here. Where's my brother, do you know?"
"He's inside his office," Reever said. "He locked himself inside after General Cross spoke to him. I don't know what he's doing now... I would appreciate it if you could get him to open that door."
Lenalee knocked on Komui's door. "Brother, it's me!"
There came the sound of something shattering. Muffled curses could be heard in the main chamber; Reever and his subordinates crowded around the door too.
"Open up, Chief!" Reever said. "What are you bloody doing?"
The door swung opened, and Komui appeared. His cap was nowhere to be seen, and his white coat was splattered with brown stains.
"What's that?" Lenalee asked.
"Oh, I – I knocked over my coffee cup on my way to the door," Komui said.
"Why are you hiding in there, Chief? You have work to do," Reever said.
"I'm drafting a plan," said Komui.
"What plan?" 65 asked, sticking his head under Reever's arm. "Is it one of your weird, troublesome plans again? I refuse to play a role in your plan."
"No, no," Komui said. His eyes darted furtively around the room. "Nothing like that at all."
"Let us in," Reever said. "We have to make sure you're really working."
"No, you can't come in, it's all top secret," said Komui.
"I'm getting suspicious," Tapp said.
"At least let Lavi and me in," said Lenalee.
"Yes, uh, I'll let Lavi and my darling Lenalee in," said Komui. "Go away, the rest of you nosy people. Shoo!"
Komui pulled Lavi and Lenalee in and shut the door in Reever's face.
"What exactly are you doing, Brother?" asked Lenalee.
Komui wiped away beads of sweat from his forehead as he settled into his chair. "Well. It's top secret. Classified, you understand? And why are the two of you here? Aren't you supposed to be guarding Allen?"
"We're here to talk to you about her," Lavi said.
Komui doffed his beret off and placed it in his lap; he folded the beret into a pyramid and then unfolded it. "What about Allen?" he said at last.
"She and Kanda are having problems," said Lavi. "We want to help them reconcile their differences."
"Ah," said Komui. He didn't look at them, choosing instead to focus on smoothing the creases out of his beret. "Why did you come to me? You know very well that I don't have much experience in these things."
"You're older and wiser than us, Brother," said Lenalee. "Perhaps you could direct us to a source of help."
Lavi sighed loudly. "It's sad to see them like this," he said. "Their relationship was so promising at the beginning..."
Komui looked up at this. The light flashed off the thick lenses of his glasses and his dark eyes were serious. "They were in a relationship?"
"Well, no," Lavi said. "But they showed all the signs of being interested in each other, and then something happened over Christmas. I'm not sure why they drifted apart, but clearly neither of them has moved on."
"I see," Komui said. He picked up a quill and started doodling on a scrap of parchment.
"You see how it is, Brother. What should we do?" asked Lenalee.
"Well now," Komui said. "I think you should leave them alone."
"That won't help matters," said Lavi.
"Will your interference help them?" asked Komui. "They are both startlingly stubborn people."
"You know," said Lenalee, "that is true."
"But we can't leave them like this," Lavi said. "They're so... not right. Not like this."
"I don't know what you could possibly do," said Komui.
"Do you know anything about this, Brother?" Lenalee asked. "Do you have any idea why they're acting like this?"
Komui pulled his hair back. "No."
"Kanda told Allen they should stay away from each other," said Lavi. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were bright as he leaned forward over Komui's paper-strewn desk. "My bones tell me that this is about some official policy."
"I have no idea, truly," said Komui. "Unless..."
"Unless?" Lavi repeated.
"No, nothing," Komui said.
"Brother, you have to help them," Lenalee said, pulling at Komui's sleeve.
Komui patted Lenalee's wrist. "I understand your concerns, Lenalee, but I am not at liberty to divulge some information."
"Classified, we understand," said Lavi.
Komui bent his head, still doodling. The shapes he drew became less and less distinct, morphing into strange squiggly lines and circles. "I will talk to them," Komui said at last.
"Thank you, Brother," Lenalee said.
"When will you do it?" asked Lavi.
"Not yet, but soon," said Komui. "I have some other matters to settle first. I will see them separately very soon, however, don't you worry."
Komui made a mental note to schedule a private meeting with the generals and Hevlaska, and without Leverrier being alerted to the fact that such a meeting would take place. This will take some planning, he realised.
:::
Two days after her fall, Allen was cleared to leave the infirmary. Link accompanied her again; this time, however, he followed her out of the maze of corridors and into the clear air, lugging a large bag filled with unknown entities at Allen's behest.
"We're in the Clock Tower," he said.
"Yes," Allen said. "I like the view here."
"We oughtn't be here," said Link.
"No one will bother us even if they find us here," said Allen.
"Your ankle might hurt from standing too long," said Link in a voice full of concern.
"I'll be fine."
"Why are we here?" asked Link, when he had paced around the entire perimeter of the small room atop the Clock Tower.
"I wanted some peace and quiet. And a good view," said Allen. "Here, have a sandwich."
Link accepted the sandwich. The bread was rather doughy, and not evenly baked, but it smelled delicious. The smoked salmon could be seen poking out of the confines of the bread slices. "Why do you need peace and quiet?" he asked.
"I want to think," she said.
"You can't think in your room?"
"I missed this place," said Allen. "I haven't been here in a long while."
"Fair enough," said Link.
"Tell me about your childhood in the Capital," said Allen.
Link looked at Allen. His brows were raised and his mouth slightly open, the edge of the sandwich resting on his lower lip. "Why do you want to know about that?" he asked.
"I've been wondering about the Capital," said Allen. "I know so little about it and its inhabitants. Are women oppressed there?"
"No," said Link. "But perhaps women are freer in the more rural areas."
"Tell me about your childhood," Allen said again. "How did you learn to fight? Why did you learn to fight? Was your childhood difficult?"
"You're not the only orphan in the world, you know," Link said. "I was one too. I mean, I still am one."
"Go on," said Allen.
Link perched himself on an empty bench half frozen to the floor. "I was brought into the Leverrier household when the Inspector took me into service," he said. "He noticed me after a while. He has always treated me very well."
"Inspector Leverrier taught you himself?"
"There were tutors for those of us he wanted to groom," said Link. "Of course, we weren't brought up with his children. We had separate tutors and rooms and lessons. But we had a chance to learn more about the world."
"How did you learn to fight, then?" asked Allen.
"We had to learn," said Link. "We had to learn if we wanted to become part of the Leverrier's elite troops."
"Why did you leave that troop?" asked Allen.
Link hesitated, fiddling with the sandwich paper. "I decided that an administrative career suited me better," he said after nearly a minute.
"Do you enjoy your work?" asked Allen.
"It consists mostly of me assisting you, doesn't it?" said Link. "There's nothing to enjoy or not enjoy about it. It's all part of my duty."
"Yes, but you haven't answered my question," said Allen.
"I enjoy it for the most part," said Link. "It is sufficiently fulfilling."
"Is there another profession you would have preferred? Say if you had not been born an orphan and not had to serve in the Leverrier household?"
"Perhaps I might have become a historian," Link said. "Or a baker."
"That sounds like a nice thing to do with your life," Allen said.
"I enjoy baking," said Link. "I know I don't look it. You don't have to say it."
"I wasn't going to say anything," said Allen. She tidied the basket which had held the food; the crumbs and residual wrappings were neatly tied together. "Isn't it beautiful up here? The view is so lovely."
"It is," Link said. "But it's cold. And we aren't supposed to be here. I will have to make a note of this, you understand. "
"Life isn't all about making notes and working, Link."
"Our work is important," Link said stiffly.
"I'm cold too," said Allen, "but I can endure the cold for a glimpse of this view. It makes me feel alive again."
"It doesn't make me feel alive," Link said. "And I'm not usually one to complain."
Allen stared at Link, who had crossed his arms and closed his eyes. I wish Kanda were here with me, she thought. He would enjoy this view, even if he wouldn't admit it.
"Are you asleep?" she asked.
"No," Link said. "Just protecting my eyes from this bitter cold."
"Wasn't it this cold in the Capital too?" Allen asked. "Do you need my cloak?"
"There were more fires there," Link said. "It's getting late. We should go back soon. I have to meet Inspector Leverrier soon, and it wouldn't do to be late."
"Of course," Allen said, giving the snowy, desolate landscape one last longing glance. "We'll leave now."
They descended from the high spire of the Clock Tower, treading carefully for the ice and snow were treacherous here. Allen walked from heel to toe, gaining secure purchase with every cautious step. The patches ice crackled under their weight, some even melting from the pressure.
Allen, distracted by the ice and snow and the cold in general, did not notice a shadow which flitted behind the pillars, softly following them down the circular staircase. She did not look up, did not see the midnight-dark hair which blended in with the dim light, did not see the gleaming sword hanging from the belt of the person.
Kanda, however, did see Allen, and he traced her steps carefully and softly, taking care always to keep his balance and his grip on the railings. Link was far below already, jumping swiftly from step to step, though Allen followed much more warily.
That Link doesn't care about her safety, Kanda thought. She needs better guards than have been given her. And so he continued following her until she reached her rooms.
:::
The days went by swiftly, and soon spring was in sight.
"January is ending," Allen said mournfully.
"It means spring is coming," said Lenalee.
"Are you going to bed already?" Allen asked, warming her toes by the hearth.
"Yes," Lenalee said. She yawned. "I'm so tired… but I ought to wait for your night guards to arrive first."
"You can just go off now," Allen said. "I'm sure I can take care of myself for five short minutes."
"I really ought to –" Lenalee stopped and yawned again.
"Go to bed," Allen said, and pushed Lenalee towards the connecting door. "I'll wake you if I need anything."
"I suppose I will," Lenalee said. "I can't keep awake a moment longer. Good night, Allen."
The door shut behind Lenalee, leaving Allen alone with the soft purr of the fire and the howl of the dying wind outside the Citadel. Allen walked over to the window and looked out at the sleeping city; most lights had been extinguished, and all was dark without. I miss you, Mana, she thought, watching the stars blink in the pitch-black sky. Are you watching over me now? Am I doing all the right things?
There was a pause in the unholy wind-noise; Allen put her head out the window and felt the chill rush over her bare face. The night was silent.
I could sneak out now, she thought, pulling her head back in. She fastened the latch, then released it and stuck her head back out. There was not a single person on the street – neither peasant nor soldier – and even the animals were asleep. I could go now and be back without anyone knowing. I should leave now, before the guards come.
Allen flew to her chest of drawers, pulling open the bottommost one and retrieving a fluid dark cloak. It was the same cloak she had worn a year ago when Kanda spotted her on patrol. Allen threw a thick shawl around her shoulders, and pulled on thick black gloves. A black scarf went on around her neck and hair. Last of all came the cloak, which Allen draped over herself with surgical precision.
Here we go.
Allen stole out of the room, lurking in the shadows, stiffening at every sound. She padded down the corridors in slippered feet, her warm, fur-topped boots in her hands. No one was in sight, and she snuck out of the Citadel by the kitchen exit.
I miss the city as it is at night, she thought, pulling on her boots by the stables. The air was different, outside the Citadel – less wholesome, and containing a variety of smells, but also bringing with it a whiff of freedom. Boots finally on, Allen ran as she had not run in ages. There was no yoke on her today, and she meant to make full use of this rare opportunity.
She crisscrossed through the untidy inner lanes of the city, cutting across untidy yards and dark alleys, always hiding in the shadows. And then she stopped; she turned, and saw nothing, but her heart jumped against her ribcage, and her senses tingled. There's someone following me, she thought. Or not?
Allen peered into the deepening darkness again. There was no sign of movement, no footstep to be heard. She reached for one of the daggers she carried on her person, ready to swing it and plunge it into human flesh the very moment she felt somewhere move around her. Yet there was nothing – the silence continued. The stillness remained.
So she walked on, now aware of the shadows and silence around her. The dagger was still tight in her hands as she moved forward, her boots hardly making a sound. At last, her slow and measured steps brought her to Mana's grave.
Allen looked up at the spidery silhouette of the large tree near which Mana lay in his long rest. Its branches were bare, and what little moonlight there was streamed through it, casting strips of silver and darkness on the ground. Allen sat on a comfortably turned root and tapped her dagger against the bark.
The air was cold at the forsaken place, and the moon was weak. Allen recalled a day from her childhood when Mana had brought her to this very place at night, claiming that they could get a good view of the stars. When people die, he had said, pointing at the twinkling entities in the dark sky, their souls leave their bodies and float to the heavens. Then they become the stars you see up there.
I thought the souls of dead people go to heaven, Allen had said in response.
They do go to heaven, Mana had said. Perhaps they can will themselves to appear as stars sometimes.
Then Mana had buried his face in his hands, and Allen could only make out his top hat and his knuckles, and the moonlight glancing off the thick silver ring on his right ring finger. Neah, oh my poor brother, he had said. Are you watching over us?
"What happened to Neah?" Allen wondered aloud. She looked up at the sky again. "That star looks like it might be Mana."
The stars blinked in the night sky. Then a new star seemed to blink in her right field of vision. Allen turned her head quickly, unsure of what she had just seen. A trick of my eyes? But surely – it was then that she noticed a glimmer of light in the shadows around her.
"Show yourself," she said, brandishing the dagger and making sure that the moonlight flashed off it. "Don't play with me."
The shadow moved again; this time, its movements were more obvious, though still very fluid. The person skimmed across the ground, always at the edge of the darkness. Allen thought she glimpsed the sharp metal of a well-polished sword.
The first attack came out of nowhere – the sword flew out of the shadows, its tip pointed at Allen's heart. Allen swirled on the spot, out of the sword's trajectory, and struck with her dagger. She drew no blood, but the sword disappeared, commandeered by the unknown person back into the darkness.
"Don't be such a coward," Allen said again. "Come out where I can see you."
No one appeared. Allen waited, scarcely daring to breathe. Every sound she heard felt like death approaching; every rustling noise made by the branches seemed to be the approach of that sword. The moments passed; Allen waited.
Finally, as a bird flew across the sky, the sword emerged again, and this time a black-clad swordsman leaped out as well. Allen watched as the sword flew towards her. She was fascinated by its glamour, for it shone brightly in the weak silvery moonlight, and almost made no move to protect herself. Self-preservation kicked in at the last minute; she raised her daggers and knocked away the sword. It swung backwards, and the swordsman caught it by the hilt.
"Who are you?" Allen asked. "Are you here to assassinate me?"
The would-be assassin did not move. He did not speak. Her heart thumping wildly, Allen murmured a quick prayer under her breath.
"Are you here to assassinate me?" Allen asked again.
"No," the swordsman said.
That voice, Allen thought. I know it. Kanda? Kanda? Bloody hell.
"Kanda?" Allen said. Why are you here? Why did you attack me? She felt lightheaded.
Kanda stepped forward; it was indeed that guard captain. The moonlight glinted off his silky hair. He held Mugen in his hands; it gleamed. "You've done well," he said. "Your reflexes and caution are passable."
"Why are you here?" Allen asked, watching the gleaming sword, still unsheathed. Is he here to kill me? What is happening?
"To protect you," Kanda said, turning away from Allen. He replaced his sword and clasped his hands behind his back, staring out over the barren road.
"You were the one behind me, when I was leaving the Citadel," said Allen. I shouldn't have doubted him. What's wrong with me now? Doubting Kanda, of all people...
"Yes."
"How long have you been doing this?" Allen asked.
"For a while," Kanda said.
"You were the one who said we shouldn't meet each other," Allen said accusingly.
"I did say that."
"Then why are you doing this? Why are you sneaking around at night, BaKanda? And following me too."
"I should be the one asking you that," said Kanda. "I'm the head of your guard. I need to ensure your safety."
"I have other people guarding me," said Allen.
"And yet you managed to sneak out," said Kanda.
"I wanted a taste of the night air again," Allen said. "It's been too close at the Citadel these few days, what with duties and training."
Kanda shrugged. "I knew you might get into trouble."
"You always assume too much," Allen said. She sat down again, and covered her face with her fingers, watching the stars through them. "Why did you attack me?"
"To test you," said Kanda.
"Why are you speaking with your back to me?" Allen said. "It's not courteous."
Kanda continued looking away from her. "Someone needs to watch for assassins," he said. "Someone cautious."
"I'm cautious," Allen said.
"Just do whatever you need to do here," said Kanda. "I'll stand guard."
Somewhat baffled, Allen closed her eyes. What's going on? What's this strange warm squeezing feeling I have in my chest? Her fingers felt numb from the bitter cold, and her spirit seemed to hover just above the top of her head. It felt good to talk to Kanda again; Allen felt more alive than she had been in weeks, as if she were a galleon, tossed asunder on stormy and untrusted seas, which had finally managed to release its anchor onto the sea bed. The time warp which had caught her in its tight binds after Kanda's declaration that they should stay away from each other unravelled, and Allen felt herself again.
Any residual urge to scold Kanda – to ask why he had treated her in such a cavalier manner, to bemoan what she deemed to be his strange behaviour – disappeared.
"I came here to think over the war affairs," said Allen. "And to talk to Mana."
"He's dead," said Kanda. "You can't talk to him."
"His spirit lives on in heaven, I'm sure of that," said Allen. "Don't you ever feel that way? About your friend – Alma, for example?"
"Is there a heaven?" Kanda said. "I don't know. I don't want to know."
"Do you ever think about Alma?" Allen asked. "Do you ever wish to leave this dreary place, to seek out the place where his bones lie?"
Kanda's eyes widened at this question. He thought about Alma frequently – the guilt still haunted him by night – and yet he had never followed the call to journey forth to seek the truth behind his friend's disappearance.
"He's dead," Kanda said, averting his eyes. The wind started howling again. "There's no need to look for his grave. He probably doesn't have a grave."
"How callous," Allen said.
"I don't have a choice," said Kanda.
"You do. You could apply for a military leave of absence to begin your search. Or you could just have yourself discharged. You don't have to fight always."
"You're insane," Kanda said. He finally turned around; Allen saw that his brows were furrowed and his lips pursed. "Where would I begin to search? What would I do without a job?"
"The world isn't such a big place," said Allen. "You could always work in the Capital."
"There are too many places to search."
"You should still go. I don't take you for someone who'd give up because of something like this," said Allen. "I miss Mana so much. I would search for him if he were still alive. But I saw him die, and anyway I know where he's buried."
"It's not the same," Kanda said.
"But Alma was your childhood friend, your best buddy," said Allen. "You will always feel the pull of his disappearance."
"He's dead," Kanda said harshly. "There's no need for all these formalities."
"It's not a formality," said Allen. "You need closure."
"I don't."
"Oh, you do," said Allen. "You're still haunted by Alma. I can tell."
"Bloody nonsense."
"It's true, isn't it?" asked Allen. "Don't lie to yourself, BaKanda."
"I didn't come here to be lectured on my behaviour and childhood," said Kanda.
"Think about it," said Allen. "Have you never tormented yourself about Alma's current whereabouts?"
"Under the soil."
"Yes, but where?" said Allen. "You told me about wanting to avenge him, but you've never said anything about visiting his grave."
Kanda sat beside Allen. Images of Alma coursed through his mind – Alma eating candy; Alma being scolded for chasing the chickens; Alma training with him in the training grounds and sustaining cuts and bruises beyond count; Alma breaking Marie's lute...
"I had a – I thought of Alma during the last offensive," Kanda said, breaking the silence.
"It must have affected you a great deal," Allen said sympathetically.
"I – I don't want to talk about it," said Kanda.
"You can't always keep it all in, you know. What did you see?"
Kanda thought he saw Allen's eyes soften around their edges. Should I tell her? But I don't want to. But she wants to know. Do I want her to know? Bloody hell.
"Well?" Allen said. Maybe he doesn't want to tell me, she thought. He looks sad tonight. He looks sad rather than angry. "You don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to, BaKanda," she said.
"Then why did you bring it up?"
"I just wanted to remind you that you have friends, even though you can be so unfriendly sometimes," she said.
Kanda lay Mugen across his knees; he unsheathed it and stared at his reflection in the well-polished surface of the sword. "I didn't tell you everything that day," he said.
"Hmm?"
Kanda's fingers were taut now as they lay protectively over his sword. "Rhode Camelot taunted me with Alma. Alma – the one in the dream – told me that – that he might still be alive."
"He said that?"
Kanda shrugged. "He implied it. Same meaning."
"It's not the same, BaKanda," said Allen, turning the matter over in her head. "But Marie and the others all say he died. How can Alma still be alive?"
"No one actually saw the dying," said Kanda. He looked up now, seeking Allen's eyes – and human warmth – almost involuntarily, and Allen barely stopped herself from gasping at the pain in Kanda's usually cold eyes.
Allen reached over and grasped Kanda's hands with her own. "It's okay, Kanda," she said thoughtfully. "So no one actually knows whether Alma died... And you need to find out."
"He told me he waited for me to come," said Kanda. His baritone voice was ragged now, rough at the edges and seething with a deep grief in the middle. "For us to come. No one went. We all thought him dead."
"So it wasn't your fault, or anyone's fault," Allen said. Kanda's larger hands were warm in her own, and she continued to pat them soothingly.
"He's with the Earl," said Kanda.
"Are you sure?" Allen asked. "Rhode has a tendency to exaggerate sometimes, I think."
"I don't know," Kanda said. For the first time since Allen had known him, he appeared lost and almost child-like in his confusion and anxiety.
"We'll ask Hev about it," said Allen.
"No, don't do that."
"Why not?" asked Allen.
"Don't," said Kanda. "Not yet."
"Alright," Allen said. "As you wish."
Kanda swallowed. "Now you know why – I – can't allow – anyone to get too close."
"I don't know," Allen said. "Why? Because Alma died, and you haven't avenged him? That's not a good reason."
"I need to settle that debt first," Kanda said. His fists were clenched now, and the veins coursing through his hands could be seen, ridges against the smooth skin.
"You gave me another reason the other time, after Christmas," said Allen. "You mentioned the Inspector."
"He didn't care when Alma died," said Kanda.
"How do you know?"
"You can see how he thinks," said Kanda. "You would be bloody blind not to."
"He doesn't care about the rank and file," Allen said. "Yes, I can see that."
"That's why," said Kanda.
"No, I still don't get it," Allen said. "How do you know he plans to do something to us? Who did you hear that from?"
"You don't need to know that," said Kanda. "Just know that Leverrier is a bloody monster."
"You aren't going to tell me more?" Allen said. "I don't want any more secrets between us. If you want to shirk your duties as my guard captain, you at least have to explain why."
"I'm not shirking my bloody –"
"You are," said Allen. "You've been compromising my safety for your own special, individual feelings about the Inspector and his unconfirmed plans. I think I have a right to know why, BaKanda."
Kanda nearly scrunched his ponytail up in frustration. Releasing his hair, he brought his fists back down again, and lay his fingers atop his sword again. "You have to see reason."
"In order to see reason, I have to understand the facts, do you not comprehend?" said Allen.
"Fine," Kanda said. "Fine." He stood up and walked to the path, crunching ice, gravel and sleeping shrubs under his feet. "Leverrier wants us to marry. He wants us to produce powerful children. He wants to test these children. Is that enough?"
"How are you so sure?"
"I heard it from a trusted source."
"Experiments on children... that sounds like something from a book, and not real life, BaKanda."
"You don't believe me."
"It's not that I don't," said Allen. "It's just that I find it rather far-fetched."
"Ask the idiot Bookman if you don't believe me," Kanda said.
"I will," said Allen.
"This is wrong," said Kanda. He moved along the perimeter of the wall, like a slinky panther stalking its prey.
"Look, BaKanda, it's not that I don't trust you, alright?"
"I don't mean that," Kanda said. He had stopped moving; Allen could see his silhouette, a pool of dark shadows nestled among the dried-up ferns. "The Leverriers can't do this."
"Kanda, I –"
"You say you had a hard life before entering the Order," said Kanda. "You don't know how we grew up."
"I know it wasn't a bed of roses – but I wasn't exactly living in the lap of luxury either –"
"We had to grow up hard and fast," said Kanda, cutting into Allen's sentences. "We had to learn to fight while grieving. There were children who died from the experiments."
Allen felt her toes tingle. Is it real? "Does anyone else know of these experiments?"
"Lenalee."
Allen heard the wind rustle nearby branches. She took a deep breath, tried to sort out her thoughts. "You're pulling my leg," she said.
Kanda stood silent.
"You're not pulling my leg," said Allen. "Good heavens! Bloody hell!"
Kanda remained in the shadows, unmoving, and Allen couldn't see him still. "Ask the idiot Bookman," he said again. "And Lenalee."
"So many things I don't know," Allen said. "I wish it were not so. To have the power enjoyed by my predecessors... there are so many things I could change."
Kanda finally moved again, snaking his way out of the dead foliage. "You wish," he said.
"I do wish it," Allen said.
Kanda moved to stand beside Allen; he looked down into her eyes, and read the deep love she held for her suffering countrymen. "You mean it," he said wonderingly.
"Of course I do."
"Most of the nobles say the same, and they don't bloody mean it," said Kanda.
"Perhaps they do not understand our suffering," Allen said. "It's hard to tell what's going on in someone else's mind."
"Not you," said Kanda.
Allen quivered a little under Kanda's intense stare. His very eyes seemed to burn with a strange, piercing intensity, as if he were laying her thoughts bare before her. Allen found herself hoping that Kanda would like what he read in her eyes – she then promptly banished that thought and faced the tree to avoid Kanda's penetrating gaze.
"It's not that easy to read someone," Allen said lightly, as if Kanda's gaze had not unsettled her and set her heart racing.
"It's easy enough to read you," said Kanda, lounging against another withered branch.
"No, it's not!"
"It is," Kanda said.
The wind stopped howling again. An owl flew by, hooting loudly in the empty silence, its round shadow mixing with that of the sleeping tree.
Kanda stood up straight. "It's bloody late. I'll be damned if you stay out past midnight."
Allen shot him a playful smile. "Are you curtailing my actions now, BaKanda?"
Watching Allen's lips, Kanda felt a strong pull towards her – to touch her skin, to hold her waist, or evens simply to brush away a stray lock of hair from her face. But, standing his ground, he stayed stoic and seemingly uncaring, and settled for reasoning with her. "No," he said. "I'm worried about your safety. It's late."
"I know it's late," Allen said, stifling a yawn that threatened to fold her mouth into strange contortions.
Kanda pointed towards the path in reply. Allen reluctantly left her perch. Goodbye again, Mana, she thought. I will come back soon.
As if he had read her thoughts, Kanda brushed his fringe from his eyes and looked at Allen. "His grave won't run away."
"Of course," Allen said.
"You seemed bloody worried," said Kanda.
Allen shrugged, the gravel crunching under her boots. They walked in silence, listening to the wind howl again. It may be cold again tonight, but the path back isn't quite so lonely now, Allen thought, now that someone is walking with me.
Beside her, Kanda prowled like a predator, eyes open and ears alert for strange sounds. He almost slinked from step to step as if he were an animal stalking its food, the epitome of the stealthy warrior in his element.
"You don't have to do that," Allen said, watching Kanda's movements.
"What?" he said.
"Move like that," she said.
"I'm not doing it purposely," said Kanda.
"Do you ever do anything purposely?" Allen said. "To you, everything's about duty and dedication and pure instinct, it seems."
Scowling, and not replying, Kanda marched forward, and his fingers brushed against hers. Allen felt a jolt in her fingers through her gloves, felt the jolt shoot upwards through her arm, felt her heart jump, felt her insides churning as if she were freefalling through an endless sky. She jerked her hand backwards, away from Kanda. Kanda didn't seem to notice.
Tired, and confused, Allen didn't speak again for the rest of their short walk. Back in the Citadel, Kanda walked Allen to her chamber.
"Good night," he said.
Allen stood still, facing her door. Kanda's presence at her left side was palpable; she wished it were not so. I don't know what to say to him.
"Are you angry?" he asked, when Allen did not reply.
Allen shook her head. I can't trust myself to speak... I want something more than this, she thought, and she felt her heart lurch as the gravity of this realisation washed over her.
Confused in his turn, Kanda turned to leave.
Allen felt his clothes rustle beside her, and knew that he was leaving. Don't let him go, her heart said. Let him go, and suffer less trouble, her head said. But I care for him, she thought again, and so her heart won the battle.
Whirling quickly, Allen reached out, placing a hand on Kanda's shoulder. "Thank you for coming after me today," she said. "I appreciate your efforts to keep me alive and whole."
Kanda flushed a little. "It's my duty," he said.
"Even so, thank you," Allen said. She tiptoed, and planted a light kiss on Kanda's right cheek, ending the kiss and springing backwards almost immediately.
Kanda did not move away. Instead, he laid his right hand on her head, stroking her hair lightly. Allen felt it, and blushed. It felt good. She felt loved.
"Your hair is soft," Kanda said.
Allen looked up at Kanda. She had to ask the question. "What are we now, then?" she asked.
AN: Thanks for the helpful comments guys, hope you enjoyed this chapter!