Stupid, that would be the best word to describe me. I am the stupidest person you will ever meet and you want to know why? Because he said I love you and I told him I needed space.
Now do I really need space, no I don't. I just don't want him around saying I love you when for some reason I can't say it back to him. This whole not saying it so I won't get hurt is bullshit because I am hurting. I am hurting bad and over the past week I have felt sick without him. He came over the other day to hang out with Aiden, to make sure he was ok and stuff. They played video games and Aiden laughed and was happy but I wasn't here to see that.
I left like a coward again because being around him and not being with him is almost too much to handle right now. This whole thinking thing is hard. This whole trying to figure out if I love him or not because my heart I think is telling me I do, it is telling me these feelings are love but my head is telling me my heart is nuts for thinking that and not to be stupid.
I don't know which one to believe but I do know I wish they would both agree. They would both just settle on one of the choices and be happy but they aren't and this back and forth my heart and mind are doing is making me crazy.
I haven't talked to Haley or Rachel much the past week mainly because I don't want to explain why me and Lucas broke up. They know we are over but not the details and I don't want to tell them it was because I freaked by his words and ran. Ran as fast as I could in the comfort of my home and away from the world.
Well everyone but David who called me earlier yelling I need to get out of the damn house. Told me it is not healthy just sitting around all day moping because I made a decision and I have to stick with it. And if I regret it do something about it. Because he will not let me sit around and cry and bitch about everything.
David is always one for honesty.
I miss him. Miss him so much its making me crazy but I just don't know if he is missing me. Rachel said he hasn't been over the past week when Nathan comes and sometimes on those nights I just want to go over to his apartment and see him, kissing him, tell him I'm sorry and I miss him so much. But I know he will want me to tell him that I love him. And I don't want to run to him until I know that feeling is what I feel because I won't play with him like that just won't.
He called the other day and it was the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had with him. There were so many awkward pauses and rambles and stutters I felt like I was a child giving a speech in school in front of the whole class. Even over the phone my palms were sweaty and heart raced, my mouth was dry and I think I bit the inside of my cheek so much that I made it bleed.
He asked how I was doing, asked how everyone was doing and I just told him good. I didn't tell him that I was terrible, sat around all day crying like a baby and the other day when I was cleaning my room found one of his jackets he let me borrow and cried again. I didn't tell him I missed him. Wish I did but I didn't.
He told me he didn't know why he called, wasn't sure why he just wanted to talk to me and I told him I understood. He asked if I still had a lot going on and I know that just meant was I ready to tell him I loved him but for the life of me I don't know why those three little words make me run faster than anything.
Maybe it's because I have never seen an actual relationship work. Every relationship where someone falls in love I see them get hurt. My mom fell in love twice and neither time did she ever marry him, and she has been married twice. She tells me how she stills loves this guy so much and I think that's what scares me.
She is in so much pain and she is in love, she loves someone and is in pain that kills me. Then it kills me even more because if she is feeling this way because she isn't with the person she loves is that what Lucas has been feeling all week? Is that the pain he is going through? Or has he realized over the past week that he was wrong he didn't love me. He cares about me but doesn't actually love me.
Haley's birthday is in two weeks and I need to get her a present just don't really want to. Well I didn't want to until David called telling me to get dressed because he was going to take me to the mall to get a present. He is being really sweet to me about all this but at the same time kind of an ass since he doesn't tell me what I want to hear tells me what is the truth and I need to hear.
But anyways I guess I better go get dressed David will be here soon.
I do my makeup and fix my hair. I grab my jeans and pull on one of my black t-shirts. It's kind of cold outside and just because I want to I grab Lucas's jacket. It's nothing big, just a black zip up jacket, its warm so very warm and I love it mainly because it's Lucas's but also because of how comfortable it is. The night he gave it to me was a good night.
Flashback
I should have thought this through before we went out tonight. When we started this walk on the beach it was warm, even for early January it was warm but now as the sun goes down the cold is picking up. We walked the beach and now just sitting on the beach watching the water.
"Your cold." Lucas states as he sits in the sand with me leaning up my back against his chest.
"No I am not." I lie pulling my legs closer to my body and I know he can see me let out a small shiver.
"You are such a liar." He laughs easing back on his back and turning me around in his arms so I am lying on top of him. He unzips his jacket and I snuggle close to him as he zips me up in it with him, and then leaning up kissing me. "Better?"
"Much." I smile loving the warmth of his body against mine and the warmth of his jacket.
"You're so beautiful." He whispers squeezing his arms tight around my body.
"No I'm not." I blush some and wonder why he always tells me that because I don't believe it's true. I don't believe I am beautiful. Do I think I am ugly no but not beautiful or gorgeous or any other word Lucas uses to describe me.
"Yes you are." He smiles kissing me, "You are so beautiful and you are all mine." He mumbles into my lips making me let out a small smile.
"Your right about one thing." I smile "I am definitely all yours." I whisper before pushing my lips back against his and feeling him smile this time as he flips us over in the sand. He pulls back for a second and gives me a look, one I can't read and one I don't know but then that look disappears as he shakes his head and just kisses me again.
Flashback Over
I wonder if he was going to tell me that night. I wonder if he was going to say I love you that's why he got that look. I didn't know that a week or so later we would be broken up; when I said I was his I meant it. But now that I think about it, now that I picture his face that night I am more than sure he was going to say I love you but the nerves got the best off him and he didn't. Just like all the other times, at Brady's, at his apartment. He got the same look and the nerves got the best of him every time, well until Rachel's house then the nerves still almost got the best of him.
God what is wrong with me. He was so nervous and freaked out to tell me and I just did what I did. I froze, I put off talking about it and then when he repeats it I freaking break up with him, tell him I need space and time. I am so screwed up.
I don't deserve him; I don't deserve him loving me or any of it.
"Brooke, David is here." Kylee says walking into my room and I just nod as she sits on my bed, "Are you sure going out with him is a good idea?" she questions as I run my brush one last time through my hair.
"We aren't like going out, going out we are going to get a present for Haley. I don't really see what the big deal with that is." I ask somewhat annoyed since when I told my mom and the boys earlier I was going out with David they gave me the same is that a good idea speech.
"I know but what about Lucas?" Kylee sighs and I turn to look at her. I know she liked Lucas he was always so sweet to her and I know she doesn't want me hurting him. I also know she doesn't want me hurting and I know she has seen me cry over him but I just don't think she understands the fear I have with him.
"Lucas…" I sigh with a pause, "Lucas and I broke up." I tell her grabbing my vanilla perfume then frown looking at it. Lucas loved my vanilla perfume he always said how good I smelled and even the scent makes me think of him, ugh everything makes me think of him.
"But you miss him." she says and I just nod, "Then what's the problem what happened?"
"Nothing. I just have things going on. Things I need to figure out." I say shaking my head of all my thoughts slipping on my flip flops and grabbing my purse.
"Brooke…"
"Look Ky I love you I do but I don't want to talk about it ok. I don't want to explain it all and I don't want to talk about Lucas and me breaking up. I don't want to talk about how much I miss him. I don't want to talk about any of it. Right now I just want to go out with my friend get Haley a present then come home ok?" I snap not meaning to because I am not mad at her I just am so tired of people saying this to me and I am so tired of not knowing all the feelings I am feeling inside I am just tired of it all.
"I'm sorry." Kylee frowns looking down.
"Sorry I am not upset with you I just…I'm just going to go." I tell her walking out of my room and out the front door before anyone else can say anything. "Ugh!" I growl climbing into David's car.
"Well you look like you are thrilled to be hanging out with me." David teases and I crack a small smile.
"Sorry just tired." I tell him and he just nods as we head to the mall.
The ride is actually fun, David is making jokes and making me laugh. It's a real laugh and I am so glad to finally be laughing for real again. David is such a great friend to me and I really glad we have become so close over the last few years.
Walking around the mall is fun again. We have been shopping for about an hour and have failed completely at finding anything but the truth is I am actually just really enjoying being with David. I feel like we lost touch some and I have really enjoyed catching up with him.
"Thanks for getting me out of the house D." I smile over at him as we walk.
"Of course I wasn't going to let you sit around and cry." He says laughing and I just nod, "I know you are hurting B. I know what it's like not being with the person you care about but it does get better." He smiles as we stop and I just look down at the floor, "Hey…" he smiles lifting my chin, "No tears. You are out with me you can't be sad."
"Your right I'm sorry." I laugh sniffing some and wiping the tear that dared to burn in my eye.
"Don't be sorry, nothing to be sorry about. Just smile." He smiles pointing at his and I just laugh nodding as he grabs my arm "Come on let's try this store." He says pulling me into Victoria Secret.
"David I am not going to buy Haley something from here." I laugh, "I would have no clue what to buy her and on top of that it would be more of a gift for Nate then her."
"True but if you make Nathan happy I am more than sure he will make Haley happy." He smirks.
"God David you are so dumb." I laugh smacking him on the arm.
"Well since we are here why not look for something for you?" he grins over at me and I shake my head no. "Oh come on there isn't something you would like. You could even try it on for me" he teases and I roll my eyes "Like I don't know this..." he smirks grabbing a black lace teddy.
"David!" I squeal grabbing it from him, "Trust me you would never see me in something like that." I laugh throwing it back on the counter.
"Yeah I don't think you would let anyone see you in that." he laughs walking away and I let out a nervous laugh since he clearly doesn't know the only person I would ever let see me in something like that would be Lucas. Lucas is the only person ever to see me in just my bra and panties, and definitely the only person to ever see me naked, but David doesn't know that. David doesn't have a clue and right now I am not going to clear up his confusion. "So what you think maybe something like…" David trails off as he looks through a rack.
"Brookie?" I hear someone say turning to see Nathan, but not just Nathan but Lucas by his side and now I feel sick.
"Umm…uh hey." I stutter as Nathan walks over hugging me.
"What you doing here? Haley isn't here with you is she?" he asks pulling out of our hug. "Because I am shopping for her and don't want her to see anything."
"Umm…no she isn't here." I tell him looking at Lucas who gives me a small sad smile, one that I return then look at the ground, until I feel David place his hand on my back making me jump.
"Hey Nate, hey Lucas." David smiles.
"David." they both say and I see Lucas narrow his eyes on him and I quickly make sure he knows we aren't here together, I mean we are but we aren't like together.
"We are looking for Haley's birthday present also." I tell them quickly.
"Here?" Lucas questions looking around the store then again at David's hand that is still on my lower back and I step to the side making it fall.
"Yeah it was just a joke at first. More of a gift for you Nate." David says making Nathan laugh.
"Well I wouldn't complain. Maybe I could just pick out what I want to see her in and then you all get it." He teases and David again laughs but I don't laugh. Not because I think it's dumb or not funny but because I am too busy just staring at Lucas who has this look. One that says first I want to knock the shit out of David and the second he wants to be with me. Wants to fix what we are doing and just be together.
"Yeah I tried to get Brooke to pick out something maybe even try it on but she is just being her normal sweet innocent self." David teases "Saying I wouldn't let anyone see me in that." in his fake my voice and I just laugh nervously tossing a nervous glance at Lucas who just looks down away from me.
"Aww Brookie don't be embarrassed." Nathan jokes taking his hand giving me a small pat on my hip and Lucas just punches him in the shoulder with a glare. Nathan turns to look at him and gives him a look that looks like it says sorry, but I'm not really sure.
"I..I didn't say no one." I corrected nervously and look up at Lucas who finally cracks a small smile "I umm…I just said I would never let you see me in something like that." I tell him.
"Ouch." David mocks hurt placing his hand on his chest making Nathan and even Lucas let out a small laugh. But I think Lucas's was more for the fact I just told David he wouldn't see me in something like that which is true he wouldn't. But now we are all standing here awkwardly and making me very uncomfortable.
"You know," I finally say and they all look at me "I am really umm…thirsty." I say quickly "You all talk or whatever and I will…uhh…find you in a bit David."
"Well you want me to come with you?" David asks and I know that would make since, since we did come here together but I just need to get away, just need time to breath alone.
"No…no I'm fine. I'll just umm…" I trail off looking at Lucas and then Nathan then back at David, "Uh…yeah." I say walking past them and just away from them.
Sitting here I just stir my straw in my cup thinking. Leaning my chin on my hand I let out a sigh blowing a piece of hair out of my face. I pull my phone out seeing a text from Haley asking what was up. I just close my phone sticking it back in my jacket pocket and quickly realizing I am still wearing Lucas's jacket. I am still wearing it and he saw me wearing it.
"Stupid Brooke." I mumble to myself sipping on my drink and finishing it. I stand up throwing it away and feel my whole body quiver when I feel to arms wrap around my waist from behind, but not quiver because I am afraid someone is holding me because I know who it is. And knowing he is holding me I can't help but let my body fall back into him. "Luke." I whisper and he buries his face in my hair and neck as I let my hand reach up holding onto the back of his head, running my fingers through his hair.
"How'd you know it was me?" he questions.
"I always know when it's you." I say feeling him tighten his grip and nod in my neck.
"I miss you." he confesses kissing my neck softly and I can't help but spin in his arms and hugging him. Wrapping my arms tight around his neck and he just tightens his grip on my waist. "Baby I miss you so much." He tells me again kissing my neck and I squeeze him tighter closing my eyes to stop myself from crying again.
"I'm not here with David." I whisper to him and feel him nod, "He was just helping me get a gift for Haley." I say and he pulls out of our hug but keeping his hands on my sides.
"You couldn't have asked Rachel, or Kylee or I don't know someone not David." he asks a little annoyed.
"Lucas he is my friend. He is like my best friend." I defend.
"A best friend who clearly wants more." He growls dropping his hands.
"No he doesn't." I argue slightly annoyed to have this talk yet again.
"Yeah and the fact he has the need to constantly touch you when I am around means nothing."
"David doesn't see me like that and also he has been really good to me the last week or so." I say but quickly regret it when he looks at me annoyed.
"I would have been there for you Brooke if you didn't break up with me." he hisses and I just look down, "I guess I don't really get why you need space, you need to figure things out but you are just spending time with David. Yeah you really need alone time." he growls walking away from me.
"Lucas wait," I call following him and grabbing his hand "Please." I ask again turning him to face me. "Look David…"
"Don't explain." He interrupts shaking his head to stop me, "No need to we aren't together you can really hang out and do what you want."
"Lucas please stop. I swear it's not like that." I tell him again shaking my head and for reason's I don't even know slipping my hand in his. "He is just… I don't know ok."
"Not my place to know anymore." He shrugs, "But not my place or not, I don't trust him. I don't trust anything about him and I don't trust him around you." he tells me and I just nod not sure what he wants me to say "I love you Brooke and I get you don't love me…"
"Lucas…" I sigh placing resting my forehead against his chest; once again feeling the tears burn.
"No its ok," he says but it's not ok none of this is ok, "But even with it all I just want you being careful with him." he sighs lifting my head off his chest to look at me.
"Lucas I swear its…"
"Nothing I know." he says but I don't think he does know. I don't care about David like that I really am trying to figure out all my feelings for him not David, never David.
"I have no feelings for him." I finally say and see him nod.
"You don't have to explain yourself to me. We aren't together anymore." He sighs and I let a small tear fall, "Bye Pretty Girl." He sighs kissing my forehead softly and walking away, walking away and again leaving me in tears.
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