February 13, 2013
"Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine
It's always darkest before the dawn
•••
As Jackson and April leave a patient's room during rounds, they stare at each other for a second before Jackson speaks up.
"I'll have Wilson prep the patient and get an OR ready for this afternoon."
April feels too awkward and just meekly nods then she walks away, only to walk straight into Matthew. Her eyes widen in surprise as she remembers the kiss from the night before.
"Matthew!" She says too loudly. "What're—what are you doing here?"
Jackson sees them and just purses his lips as he walks away.
Matthew seems unfazed by it. He just shrugs. "Just thought I might run into you here. Literally."
April laughs awkwardly. Then she says too quickly, "I have to go. I have a surgery and whatnot." She tries not to sound like she just wants to get away but she clearly fails.
Matthew frowns a little but clears it off with a smile. "Alright. I'll let you get back to your surgery and whatnot."
She starts to walk away in relief but he catches her arm.
"I am gonna have to get used to that." She says before she could stop herself. She blushes in embarrassment as she looks down.
He smiles wider. "So I'll definitely see you later? I was kind of hoping we could talk about last night."
Cristina walks by the nearby nurse station to place a chart on the shelf, just in time for her to hear that last comment. She raises her eyebrow at April.
April looks nervous. "Y-yeah. I'll, uh, text you. When I get off."
Matthew just nods and is about to walk away when he turns back to her. He leans down to her ear and mumbles, "You're pretty cute, you know, when you blush." Then he walks away.
When he's gone, April sighs in relief and starts walking away too, unaware of Cristina in tow.
"Kepner, you dirty, dirty girl." Cristina comments.
April widens her eyes. "Excuse me?"
Cristina laughs. "So you screwed the paramedic, there's nothing to ashamed of." She waves her hand. "Except about the part where he's a freaking paramedic."
"I did not sleep with him."
Meredith soon joins them, walking on April's other side. "You're talking about Jackson?" She asks as she reads down on her chart.
"Why is it automatically him?" April questions her.
"Because he's the guy who deflowered you." Meredith deadpans. She looks up as she closes the chart and tucks it under her arm.
April snaps, "Don't ever say that out loud again."
"We're talking about that paramedic." Cristina says, smirking.
Meredith nods in recognition.
"The paramedic has a name and it's Matthew!" April exclaims.
"No one cares, he's the paramedic." Cristina shrugs. "So what did you two do last night? Just third base?"
"Ooh, April, you bad girl." Meredith teases, grinning.
"I said I didn't sleep with him!"
"So second?" Cristina asks.
"So long as it's not the first base." Meredith says seriously. "You can't be a prude."
April groans in frustration. She pushes them both away from her sides and walks ahead of them.
Cristina snorts. "She'll get the paramedic in a week."
•••
As Jackson and April work in the OR, the room is filled with silence, which is every bit of unusual for a hospital abundant of chatty doctors.
Ben's there for a visit and he decided to do some work as well, as he waits for Bailey's shift to finish.
Ben clears his throat and asks, just to break the awkward silence. "So, Dr. Kepner, you started preparing for the boards yet?"
April looks at him briefly before turning back down to her work. "Yes. As a matter of fact, I did." She chuckles a little. "Can't afford to fail again and stand idly by while my entire career starts crumbling down." She laughs it off awkwardly when everyone in the room stares at her.
"Get your head in the game, that's how it is, right? No interruptions and all." Ben says, nodding.
Jackson meets April's eyes for a second before looking down.
"I-I agree." April says.
It's silent again. Then a cellphone rings. Jackson gets distracted. "Whose is that?" He asks irritably.
A nurse looks at the phone on the table by the wall.
She states. "It's Dr. Kepner's."
"Who's calling?" April asks.
"It says Matthew."
April looks embarrassed. Jackson's stare flickers to her.
April swallows hard then says, "Shut it off, please."
"Yes, ma'am."
April clears her throat. "Sorry about that."
Ben smirks. "Ignoring the call. What could this Matthew character have possibly done so wrong?"
"If you are not aware," April starts off, "I am very busy right now for some petty, 7th grade chat about things I don't even want to talk about." She snaps too loudly.
This time, Jackson does not hide his stare at April, who grows even more uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry," she says, "let's just get back to work, shall we?"
She doesn't wait for an answer as she averts everyone's stares (mostly Jackson's) and continues to work.
•••
After surgery, April and Jackson are washing their hands in complete silence. Jackson keeps looking at her, but she just looks down, scrubbing her hands too hard that she won't be surprised if she parches off her skin.
While wiping off her hands, she breaks the silence.
"I'll do post-ops, I'm not that busy anyway." April offers.
"Okay. Thanks." He says.
She just nods then is about to leave when he calls for her so suddenly.
"April."
She looks back at him with an expectant expression. But Jackson just stares at her, unable to get any words out. Instead, he shakes his head.
"Forget it."
He turns his back to throw away his towel, not looking back until he is sure April is gone.
•••
April is standing outside of the hospital, both her hands inside her jacket pockets. She's shivering in the cold night, but she barely notices it as she's lost in her jumbled thoughts.
Matthew walks up to her and smiles. "Evening, April."
April smiles back a little. "Hi."
"So…" he starts off, "the kiss."
"Yeah." She laughs awkwardly.
"Look, April, if you don't want to go down that road, I completely understand." Matthew says sincerely.
April just stares at him, not knowing what to say.
"It's just that, I've wanted to do that for so long," he continues on, "but I felt like I had to wait. You know, for you to get over that other guy." He takes a deep breath. "I don't know what happened between you two, nor does it concern me. I just want you to know that you're a really incredible person and that's all I see in you."
She finds herself smiling at him, the smile very genuine. She tried so hard to be patient for Jackson because he deserves the time and space but she can't help but be tired of letting everything pull her down, not when there are people who are more than willing to help her get up.
•••
Jackson wakes up suddenly. He looks around the unfamiliar room then leans his head on the pillow again. He rubs his eyes before opening them wider. He sits up and twists his body to drop his feet on the carpeted floor. He shifts around to glance at his girlfriend's sleeping frame. He sighs. He stands up and walks to the large window, navigating through his darkened bedroom in just his pajama bottoms. The curtains and window were half-open and looks at the view of the Seattle skyline. It's one of his favorite sights. The wind gushes through his apartment but he doesn't bother to close the windows. He sighs again.
His mind hasn't been clear in weeks. And he knows perfectly well that this has everything to with what's been happening between him and April – all the secrets built and frustrations bottled up. He understands perfectly well that the concrete reason why he's acting the way he's acting is because he can't function well without his best friend. That much he knows and he just wants to get past this – he'll take anything, even if it means he can move on fully without her, be content. He just doesn't want to deal with this anymore.
•••
After their dinner, Matthew walked April up to her apartment door. He nods at her. "'Night, April."
Before he could start walking away, April walks closer to him, cups his neck and pulls him down for a kiss.