Chapter 21

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.

Harry couldn't sleep the rest of the night, he laid there until he heard movement from Ron's bed at that moment he got up and put a jumper and jeans on before going down to the common room with Ron. In the common room Hermione was sat with her nose in the Standard book of spells grade 5, when she saw the boys coming down the staircase she jumped up and joined them on the way down to breakfast.

The usual stacks of toast, plates of sausages, bacon and egg. Bowls of cereal, orange and apple juice as well as coffee and tea covered the four long tables, a handful of students sat at each of the house tables. It was late, so most students were enjoying the last of their free time before lessons started first thing the next morning. Harry sat down between Ron and Hermione and poured himself some coffee.

"I thought you didn't drink coffee" exclaimed Ron rather offended apparently

"Can't guy change his mind about what he likes of dislikes?" Argued Harry

"Well…. Yeah! Replied Ron obviously bewildered. After breakfast the trio went back up to the common room and settled down to play wizards chess and Hermione with her book. Time passed quickly and after having breakfast late they skipped lunch. During the afternoon the three went down to have a walk and a sit under the tree by the lake. They watched the giant squid's tentacles bubbling to the surface then disappearing again.

When the sun started to dip behind the castle and the sun turn from blue to orang and red the three went up to the castle for the evening meal. The hall was full, and Harry was rather reluctant to go in but did without a fuss. Otherwise he would be drawing more attention than he was already. His hear was in his mouth, butterflies in his stomach. Harry managed to eat some food but mainly concentrated on keeping it down the meal seemed to take forever but they all soon left.

Back in the common room they took their usual seats by the fireplace and settled down for a game of exploding snap with Ginny and the twins. It was really good fun and Harry almost thought he was back at the burrow last year before everything changed. They played into the night, everyone wanting to win the final game. The fun came to an end when Professor McGonagall came in at 1am to check all the first years were okay. She scowled at them and everyone scattered into their dormitories. Harry and Ron found it hard to keep their laughter at bay trying not to wake their sleeping roommates.

Soon Ron's snores joined the four others in the room leaving Harry very much alone and as much as he tried to fall asleep he couldn't sleep. He lay there thinking, his mind taking over and the urge to cut was growing. He mustn't though, he decided to get up and do soothing since that was the only thing he could think of to distract himself.

Harry went down to the now empty common room and wondered how Sirius was doing now he was alone. He decided to write to him to se what he was up to, he really didn't know what to ay since nothing major had happened. It wasn't like the previous year when he was competing in the Triwizard tournament and Sirius was on the run. He picked up his quill and wrote Dear Sirius and stopped, he couldn't think of anything to write so he just sat there.

The warmth of the fire was comforting and making Harrys eyes droop. He knew he was best to go bac up to bed, but he couldn't face it. Trying all his might to keep his eyes open but in the end, he gave into the inevitable, to tired to care anymore. He knew he was going to be thrown into his own head and have a nightmare, but it was easier to give in than stay awake.

Harry awoke suddenly breathing hard, in a cold sweat. His fringe stuck to his forehead like he had just come out of the shower. His shirt he was sleeping in was drenched and he was starting to shiver. He noticed the sun was about to rise and he rushed upstairs to change before anyone had stirred. After a warm shower he dressed in his Hogwarts robes and went back down to the common room. Some eager first years were down and waiting for their friends also some 7th years who were making final adjustments to their summer coursework,

Harry took his place by the fire and waited for Ron, Hermione and Ginny to come down it was a while before they did, all yawning and stretching. Harry joined the three as they were going down to the great hall. As they entered Harry noticed that half the school was already there, butterflies filled his stomach, he didn't want to draw attention to himself, so he quickly sat down with the other three and put some food on his plate. Not noticing what he was putting in his mouth he watched the owls come and drop off their post.

Hedwig came down to nibble his ear and Harry gave her some bacon which she ate gratefully before sipping some of his water and flew off back to the owlery to have a nap. Their timetables were handed to them by their head of house. They had a rather hard Monday Transfiguration then Herbology a break for lunch before double potions in the afternoon. A united groan uttered from all the fifth year Gryffindors when they realised they still had potions with the Slytherins. Facing Malfoy was something he could do without today, his head was already hurting from the lack of sleep, he couldn't bare his taunts today he already had his head screaming that he was this, that and the other he didn't need to hear it from someone too.

After breakfast the trio went to McGonagall's classroom and took their usual seats at the back of the class. Their stern professor soon came into the classroom and flicked her wand. The letters O.W.L.s appeared on the blackboard. "O.W.L.s – Ordinary Wizarding Levels. At the end of this year you will all be taking a practical and written examination for all your lessons which will determine what NEWTs you will be able to study in your sixth and seventh year. I warn you all now, to take transfiguration at NEWT level you must achieve an exceeds expectations at least" she lectured before handing out cages of puffins between two they were to start to transfigure them into a kettle.

As hard as Harry tried he couldn't concentrate at all the most change he had made to his puffin was that it produced some steam. Luckily Ron was having about the same amount of trouble he was, and no one noticed his struggle. Herbology was bearable though it was rather difficult to do any practical work with his crutches so ended up just taking notes.

After lunch was potions, Harry despised this lesson more than most he didn't know whether it was the snide remarks from Malfoy or his greasy haired professor that made it worse but now his head was telling him that he deserved all the remarks and that they were true. Adults were always right but can't be trusted. The golden trio were waiting by the door to the dungeon when Malfoy showed up followed by his two goons. Seeming more confident than he was on the train the blond-haired boy puffed his chest out and towered over Harry.

"Yes" Harry sneered

"You are a freak you know, hanging out with a Mudblood and a Weasel" Harry tried to hold his anger that had been building up all day, but he knew he had to control it. Knowing his luck Snape would walk right in on him lashing out on Malfoy. Ron was breathing heavy waiting to attack though Harry patience seemed to be the only thing that was keeping him together. "Too scared to make a move, wimp you are pathetic. Ill get you back" that was the last thing he managed to say since Snape was standing over him.

"Is there a problem Potter?" Snape asked sarcastically Harry shook his head, too angry to reply. "Answer me Potter! I do not read minds!"

"No Sir, there's no problem. Sorry" Harry replied politely. Snape's face went from anger to confusion then back to normal. It seemed like he was taken aback. Since when did Potter apologise to him? Thought Snape the class entered the room and sat down. The lesson went very slow after the 3rd lecture about OWLs Snape started going through the first potion they were going to brew later in the week. Slowly he went through each step of the potion, the class listened intently. Harry wrote everything the potions master said.

After potions they all made their way to the great hall to have some food before heading to the common room to start on the mass of homework they were all given. Harry went into the bathroom and was sick, his stomach finally giving into the sickening feeling in his stomach all day. He then joined Ron, Hermione and Ginny on the armchairs by the fire doing their homework. It was peaceful, and Ginny's presence kept Harrys nerves at bay. After hours of homework the four of them packed up their parchment, quills and books and headed for bed.

Though Harry was tired he couldn't sleep so he went back down to the common room and finished off his essay he was doing. He then went back to bed his eyes tired and falling into the dark hole of sleep. Harry collapsed on his bed and he didn't even remember coming upstairs when he awoke a few hours later. 5am the clock on the wall read. Harry went for a shower to wake himself up before adjusting his glamour charms. He then went down to the common room to find a new notice on the notice board. Quidditch trials, he noticed his name was written on the trial sheet already in handwriting that wasn't Angelina's.

"I thought you'd want to trial with no questions" whispered a soft voice. Harry spun around and saw his favourite redhead smiling at him.

"Well you guessed right" Ginny smiled as she took his hand and lead him to their favourite chair. "why are you up so early?"

"I thought you might have been up and about, so I came down to see you" she laughed her brilliant red hair flicked back by her hand and her chocolate coloured eye shining in the new morning light. She allowed I'm to slide his fingers through her hair and Harry allowed her to place her hand on the back of his neck. Slowly and a little hesitantly he placed his lips on her soft ones. Surprised that she didn't recoil he nibbled her top lip ad her nibble his bottom. It was if all the worries in the world had left him for that moment. Maybe there was something to live for after all he thought.

After the kiss the couple stared into each other's eyes and smiled, then laughed before Ginny laid her head on Harrys shoulder and they both fell back to sleep very comfortable in each other's arms.

They both awoke an hour later when the first few students were making their way down to breakfast, the pair then followed them down to the great hall. It was nice and quiet, and Harry felt like he was able to eat something. They finished as Ron and Hermione came into the hall with a lot of other students. Harry flinched as Malfoy mocked him. After breakfast they had their first defence against the dark arts lesson.

Lupin was waiting in the classroom for his class in his shabby robes and looking tired but smiling all the same. Ron Hermione and Harry took their seats in the classroom and took out their books. However once everyone was seated Lupin said "You won't be needing those books today, now if everyone could give me a hand in rearranging the classroom, we are going to start learning defensive spells" he smiled.

Harry stood to one side as his classmates moved their desks to the side. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, he knew who it was and what he was going to say so he answered before he was asked the question "I'm doing okay Remus". Lupin gave him a sympathetic look as if he could see straight through him, knowing he was holding off until Friday afternoon.

"Today we are going to be looking and learning about the stunning spell. Can anyone tell me what it does?... Yes, Miss Granger"

"The stunning spell or stupefy is designed to stun your opponent into unconsciousness, this is ore of an offensive spell rather than defensive"

"That's right. 5 Points to Gryffindor! Now get into pairs and practice the spell. The floor is soft so it wont hurt." Lupin announced as he waved his wand and the floor turned into a bouncy mattress kind of material. Harry, Ron and Hermione all worked together. Harry got it straight away, he didn't know whether it was his pent-up anger or something else "Well done Harry!" Lupin exclaimed "Another 5 points to Gryffindor" The lesson went fast.

Harrys day went downhill from there, and so did his week. From the mass of homework, he had to do but also not being able to concentrate in class, not sleeping and not finding any time to spend with Ginny. Harry was scared, his thoughts were getting darker by the day but did nothing about it because "freaks" don't deserve to have help.

At 6.45 o Friday evening Harry left the common room to go down to Remus' office his heart was in his mouth, he was sweating even though it was cold, his head was pounding. He can't let Remus in, he had to keep his mind walls up and unpenetrated. It was the longest walk he had ever taken to the defence against the dark arts classroom. He stood outside the door, took a deep breath and knocked.

"Come in Harry" echoed Lupins voice. Harry pushed the door open and went up to the office. "Sit down". Harry did what he was told and sat. He couldn't look at lupin, he felt as if he was back at the Dursleys. But Lupins face went from cheerful to concerned as soon as he sat. "How are you doing Harry?"

"Yeah good" Harry replied forcing a happy voice "I mean the work is harder and lessons more challenging but it's okay, I mean there's quidditch trials tomorrow"

"Well I'm glad to hear that" replied Lupin "But you still look dead on your feet, the nightmares haven't stopped have they?" Harry shook his head and felt the blood rise to his cheeks. "If you want to talk about them I'm here, you know that"

"I know, I'm dealing with it"

"But you aren't Harry, what about the panic attacks at dinner"

"It was only once!" He argued though he knew that was a lie though there had only been one obvious attack, but many smaller ones. Lupin sighed he knew Harry wasn't going to open-up to him today, so he moved the conversation on to Sirius.

"I have to tell you now Harry, that Sirius has been sent on a very dangerous mission for the Order. You will not be able to contact him by owl anymore or by the mirror. He is trying to get close to the dark lord to discover his secret. We do not know how long he will be on this mission, Sirius described it as a suicide mission"

"But no, why though, why Sirius, why not Snape, he is close to the Dark Lord" Harry almost yelled

"Dumbledore thought it was best, he can disguise himself very effectively and block hi mind out to the Dark Lord. Sirius had no responsibilities of teaching, so it was the best choice. Sirius' wand even shows the spell that was used to blow up that street, Pettigrew used it"

"He can't leave though, he can't go. He's just been free" muttered Harry

"I know Harry, I hate that he has to do this too, you are the first person I've told, we both need him to be safe and I'm sure he will be okay" said Remus hopefully. Harry sighed "I know this will be hard, but know I'm here when you want to talk okay?" Harry nodded unable to speak "You may go, same time next week" Harry nodded again as he walked out.

Harry had never felt so lost in his life, without Sirius safe what would he do? He saved him in his third year all, so he could fuck off on an order mission and leave him alone. Then he thought, but I treated him so bad over the summer, its my fault he has left. How could I be so selfish and disrespectful. Harry went back to Gryffindor tower, grabbed his blade and invisibility cloak and went straight up the astronomy tower.

Tears filled his eyes. Freaks don't cry. Your mum was a bitch, your dad was useless. What does that make you? A disgusting, disrespectful selfish boy who needs to be punished. He cut deep into his arm, deeper than before all the pain he was just feeling left him for a second. He did it again this time the numbness filled his body and felt good.

He let the blood trickle down to his elbow and onto the floor. He smiled as if it were laughable he knew he was doing the right thing. He let the blood clot before transfiguring a bit of tree branch into a needle and took some wool from his jumper to thread through. He fixed his arm the muggle way, He didn't care how much it hurt, the pain was welcoming. After he was done he redid his glamour's… all you could see now was the wool stitched nicely over the cuts.

He didn't know how long he was there for but when he re-entered the common room it was bare. So, he settled on the sofa next to the fire and for once he could sleep knowing the numbness would tie him over.

Note: Hey guys. Sorry its been a while. I've been busy with uni work and my own mental health issues. I'll upload when I can. Opinions on Sirius' mission please? Please review TR