Chapter 21 – Message
He hated hospitals.
Hated them with a passion. The look. The smell. The supercharged atmosphere of intense emotions.
The death.
Elliot was by no means a stranger to these unpleasant institutions. He visited one at least once a case typically, to interview a victim or pick up the results of a rape kit. When he first joined SVU and realized just how much time he would be spending in hospitals, Elliot had figured he would eventually get used to them or at the very least become ambivalent.
Wrong. He still hated them.
It was probably more the "death" part than anything.
It was bad enough when he had to walk through the foreboding sliding glass doors to meet with a victim.
It was a thousand times worse when that victim was someone he loved.
Cragen had barely put the department-issue sedan into park at St. Luke's Hospital when Elliot shot out the passenger side door, his open jacket flapping in the cold winter breeze as he ran across the asphalt parking lot. After the emergency room entrance slid open with a melodic ding, Elliot forced himself through a throng of people gathered in the waiting area and made his way over to the triage nurses. There had been a huge accident on the freeway that was snarling traffic for miles and many of the pile-up victims had been brought to St. Luke's, resulting in an ocean of people sitting and standing and waiting. Elliot had no choice but to wait impatiently in line as well while other frazzled loved ones begged for news on friends and family.
For some, the news was good. For others, bad.
Elliot wondered anxiously what it would be for him.
While on their way to the hospital, word had come over the police scanner that Olivia had been found and was on route to the hospital via ambulance. With Eli's direction, a search team had discovered her, nearly buried in a snow-filled ditch over a mile from the farmhouse where Eli had located help. She was unconscious and her vitals were extremely weak, but she was alive.
Barely. The medics were now in a race against time to get her warm and stabilized.
When he finally reached the front of the line, Elliot grunted his son's name to a harried triage nurse and was directed to a small room down the hall where his son was being examined. Cragen hung back with a promise to come get Elliot when Olivia's ambulance arrived, and he, Fin, and Munch all settled anxiously into the hard plastic waiting room chairs.
The gleaming hallways that extended like octopus tentacles from the hectic triage area were significantly quieter and less congested than the main emergency room. Elliot made good time down the hall, the heels of his dress shoes clicking rhythmically on the polished tiles. Pausing for a moment outside the threshold of Room 214, Elliot placed a heavy hand on the doorknob and peered through the small window to watch his youngest son, clad in a light blue hospital gown, chatting animatedly to the rest of his family who were arranged in a semi-circle around the bed.
When Eli caught sight of his father peering with evident relief through the window, his face lit up with a broad smile.
As Elliot entered the room, Eli propelled himself off the bed and was across the floor in seconds, launching himself into his father's arms. Elliot caught him mid-jump and lifted him up, hugging him tighter than he could ever remember having hugged him before. Eli felt frail in his arms and Elliot could see that he had lost weight, but the fierceness of his spirit as he clung to his father was undimmed.
"Eli . . ." Elliot murmured into his son's tiny shoulder, unable to suppress the cool tears that rushed to his ocean blue eyes. He held on to his son firmly, rubbing one meaty hand up and down his back, but Elliot couldn't have said if that was to soothe Eli as much as it was to soothe himself. "I love you."
"I love you too Daddy." Eli's voice was muffled as he buried his face into his father's neck, reveling in an overwhelming sense of safety for the first time in many days. "I was so scared. I didn't think I would see you again. That man . . ." Eli's voice trailed off and he trembled slightly, encouraging Elliot to hold him even closer.
"We've got him Eli. It's okay. I won't let him hurt you anymore."
With grim satisfaction, Elliot flashed back to the visible shock on Seth's face when Cragen announced Eli had been found. In that moment, the self-satisfied smirk had been vanquished, for good.
Bastard.
Eli appeared to take comfort in his father's promise, his small body relaxing and his thin arms loosening slightly. The comfort lasted only for a moment however. Just as abruptly as he had relaxed, Eli stiffened again and pulled his head off his father's shoulder to gaze down at him worriedly.
"Livia. Daddy, did they find her? I told them where to look. I wanted to go with them, but they told me no. They said they needed to take me to the hospital. But I told them, I told them where to go!" Eli's voice wavered with a desperate tinge that broke his father's heart.
"Yeah, they found her bud. She's on her way here in an ambulance." Elliot purposely omitted all indicators of her health status from the statement, not wanting to upset his son further. "You did really well. You are a brave boy."
Eli wasn't fooled for a second by his father's omission.
Undeterred, Eli's intelligent eyes never left Elliot's. "But is she going to be okay?"
Wishing he knew the answer to that himself, Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat and attempted to speak calmly. His son was traumatized enough without hearing the likely answer. "They're doing everything they can to help her bud."
Eli considered this for a moment before nodding slowly, worrying his bottom lip with small white teeth. No, Elliot hadn't fooled him at all.
Giving his son a soft kiss on the cheek, Elliot reluctantly lowered him to the ground. Slowly, with less enthusiasm than a moment before, Eli headed back over to the bed where his siblings waited patiently to dote on him.
"Elliot." Kathy's voice was soft at his elbow and Elliot turned his head in the direction of the sound, his solemn eyes watching Eli for a moment longer, his thoughts miles away. Physically, Kathy looked haggard, her blonde hair scraggly and dirty, her face pale and drawn. But relief had dispelled much of the exhaustion, and her eyes were clear as she reached out to give Elliot a hug.
Pulling back after a moment, Kathy kept one hand resting on Elliot's arm, her voice thick with emotion. "I'm so sorry Elliot. About what's happened to Olivia. About outing your relationship to the entire precinct. It was neither my business nor my place to say anything. I was just frantic, looking for anyone to blame but myself."
"It wasn't your fault Kath," Elliot reassured her, his blue eyes pained but compassionate. "The guy who took them, he's . . . twisted. And determined. We couldn't possibly have seen this coming. Let's just be glad it's over. One way or the other." Elliot smiled bitterly as his throat tightened and he again fought back a wave of tears.
"Eli says that Olivia saved his life. That she helped him escape, even though she was injured . . ." Kathy opened her mouth as if to say more, then closed it and smiled at Elliot softly. Simultaneously, the former couple turned their gazes to their children, all gathered around the youngest, their relief at his safe return palpable. "That's twice now. I owe her a huge apology. And a thank you."
Elliot was about to comment that he hoped Olivia would be around to accept both of those sentiments when the door to the room swung open and Cragen poked his head in, a strained and anxious look on his weary face.
"Sorry for interrupting. Elliot, Olivia's ambulance is just pulling up."
Without another word Elliot turned on his heels and trailed Don out of the room. Once in the hallway, Elliot quickly passed the older man as long strides propelled him across the luminous floor toward the ER ambulance entrance. He trotted up just as a stretcher came flying in, flanked on both sides by three focused paramedics. Doctors appeared from all directions to greet the stretcher, like cockroaches emerging after a light is extinguished. Two of the medics gripped the cool metal railings and pushed the stretcher hurriedly along while the third held an IV bag, squeezing it repeatedly, his gaze on the patient. All eyes in the waiting area turned with morbid curiosity to watch the stretcher wheel past.
If Elliot hadn't known in his heart it was Olivia, he wouldn't have recognized her.
Olivia's normally caramel skin was ghostly pale with dark circles ringing her eyes, her lips bluish-purple in color. Her face was virtually all of her that was visible; the remainder of her body was covered in a shiny silver thermal blanket, cocooned around her so as to trap in all available heat. An oxygen mask enclosed her nose and mouth and one of the paramedics reached down to adjust it slightly as the stretcher flew past Elliot on its way to one of the open treatment rooms.
Olivia's beautiful eyes were closed, oblivious to the chaos around her.
Elliot had seen her injured before, but never so close to death. It frightened him to his core.
"Olivia." Elliot took a step forward as the stretcher moved past, only to find himself quickly restrained by a hand on each of his shoulders. Grunting, Elliot tried to push the hands away, his heart constricting painfully as he watched the love of his life leave him behind. He could only barely make out the conversation of the paramedics now as they updated the doctors on their patient's status with horrifyingly bleak words.
"Blood pressure 85 over 60."
"Pulse thready."
"Core body temperature in the hypothermic range."
"Frostbite to the upper extremities, hands and fingers."
"Probable ankle fracture or infection."
"I need to go with her," Elliot mumbled numbly, eyes now struggling to follow the stretcher as he kept trying to bat the restraining hands away.
"Let the doctors do their jobs man." Fin's voice was strained, the emotion barely contained under the calm words as he and Munch held Elliot back. "There's nothing you can do for her right now. You would just be in the way."
Fin was right, and Elliot knew it. Ceasing his struggle, Elliot stood stiffly and helplessly as the stretcher disappeared into a room far down the hall and out of sight. The paramedics emerged from the room moments later and two more doctors streamed in, affixing white surgical masks over their faces as they walked.
"Cragen's gone to tell the nurses that you are the one to talk to once they have more information. All we can do now is wait." Munch's pale face was even paler than usual as he too stared down the hallway where the stretcher had vanished.
Conceding defeat, Elliot stepped wordlessly into the waiting area and dropped down onto an overstuffed sofa, lowering his tired head into his hands.
And so they waited. And waited. For hours with no word.
Elliot and Cragen, Munch and Fin. They sat and waited. And paced. And sat again. Flipped through ancient magazines. Watched the injured and ill trickle in, disappearing one-by-one into tiny rooms.
But still no word.
Elliot didn't plan to doze off but did anyway, awakening with a start only when he felt a small hand on his knee and a familiar voice in his ear.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah?" Elliot's voice was husky as he blinked into the florescent lights, staring down at his youngest son. Eli was still unnaturally thin, but his clothes were fresh and his color improved. His blue eyes were alert as he observed his father carefully. Elliot glanced behind him and saw Kathy talking to a doctor while his other children stood off to the side, murmuring quietly amongst themselves. Fin was asleep in the chair beside him and Munch and Cragen sat quietly, staring up blindly at the muted TV on the wall.
"Is Livia going to be okay?" Eli's eyes were wide and hopeful as he repeated his earlier question. A question Elliot wished with all his heart he could answer affirmatively.
Drawing his son closer, Elliot shook his head resignedly. "I still don't know buddy. I hope so. The doctors are helping her now."
Eli nodded sadly, slipping his small hand into his father's. Elliot could see restraint marks on his wrists when the arms of his shirt slid up. "I'm praying for her."
Pulling his son into his arms, Elliot hugged him tightly, blocking tears for the millionth time that day. "I know son. I am too."
When Elliot eventually released him, Eli glanced over at his mother, who appeared to be wrapping up her conversation with the doctor, and then quickly looked back at his father with serious eyes.
"Livia asked me to give you a message," Eli whispered as he reached out and put his small hands on his father's broad shoulders.
"What's that?"
"She asked me to tell you that she loves you."
The words were spoken with such innocence and feeling that a spider web of cracks zigzagged through Elliot's heart. This time, he couldn't stop a few tears from sneaking out as he flashed to the image of his beloved Olivia, lifeless on that stretcher. Gently, Eli reached out and wiped his father's tears away.
"Thank you so much for giving me her message," Elliot managed to choke out before drawing his son into his lap and holding him close until Kathy approached, a sad, sympathetic smile on her face. Knowing it was time for Eli to go, Elliot reluctantly released him, placing him back down on his feet and smiling at him warmly.
"Can I see her? When she's feeling better?" Eli asked hopefully, reaching up to take his mother's hand while his eyes remained locked on his father's face.
"Of course you can," Elliot agreed with a smile, his voice gentle. "I bet she would really like that."
Eli nodded gravely and finally looked up at his mother, who stroked his curly blonde hair affectionately. The rest of Elliot's kids approached and he hugged them each in turn, his voice fierce as he told them he loved them. As they left he watched them walk away until they disappeared from sight, through the glass sliding doors and into the dark winter's night beyond.
"Elliot Stabler?" A deep voice had Elliot twisting back around on the couch. He looked up to meet a pair of kind light gray eyes fringed by heavy dark gray brows. "I'm Doctor Tolliver, Ms. Benson's attending physician."
Elliot stood up and automatically shook the man's hand, his stomach twisting nervously.
It was the moment of truth.
"How is she?" Elliot was a little shocked he got the question out given the tightness in his throat, but out it came, albeit strangled. A little voice chanted in his head "Don't say dead, don't say dead."
"Walk with me." Doctor Tolliver motioned for Elliot to follow him and together they left the now semi-quiet waiting room, strolling down a gleaming tile hallway as garbled voices called out inquiries over the PA system. Elliot followed mutely behind the doctor, desperately needing him to answer the question but dreading it all the same.
Only once they had turned down a quiet hallway did Doctor Tolliver begin speaking again.
"She's doing well, all things considered." At this revelation Elliot let out a huge whoosh of breath in relief and felt his knees tremble. She was okay. Everything was going to be okay. Silently, Elliot thanked God and promised to stop at church on his way home.
"She's in the intensive care ward for the moment, but I don't anticipate she will be there much longer," Dr. Tolliver continued, his light eyes gazing absently down the hall. "It took us a long time to get her warmed up. She must have been outside in the elements for quite a while before they got to her. Her hands and a portion of her face have second degree frostbite. We'll need to keep an eye on that. We have her hands wrapped up carefully and we'll keep checking the bandages, but blood flow seems to have been restored. She's able to move everything, which is a good sign."
"So she's awake?" Elliot asked hopefully, needing desperately to see her beautiful dark eyes, to hear her soft voice.
"In and out." The doctor shrugged. "I anticipate that will be the norm for a little bit. She was severely dehydrated, so there is no doubt she is exhausted. We're getting warmed fluids into her intravenously and she's responding to that well. She's a tough lady."
Elliot smiled despite himself. "That she is."
"Her one ankle is badly fractured, in two places at least. It's been untreated for a bit from the looks of the swelling. We had to cut the boot she was wearing off. We have it elevated now and in an air cast, but I'd really like to get her scheduled for surgery. I think it will heal much better if we can get in there and put a pin in it."
The doctor fell quiet for a moment, stopping in the hallway a few feet down from a row of bright green doors. He looked at Elliot curiously for a moment, and then continued. "I'm not sure if this is something I should be sharing with you, and I'm sorry if I'm letting the cat out of the bag, but Olivia told us that before she was taken, she suspected she was pregnant." He watched Elliot's face carefully for a moment. When he didn't see shock, the doctor felt comfortable continuing. "I'm not sure if you knew that . . . ."
Elliot nodded and scratched the back of his neck impatiently. "I knew she suspected. I'm the father. So . . . is she?"
The doctor shook his head uncertainly. "We sent a blood test into the lab. The results should be back shortly. I think, given what she's been through, and her age . . ." The doctor was obviously hesitant to speculate aloud, but Elliot knew what he was getting at.
"You think she miscarried." Elliot felt a jolt of sadness at the thought, for himself and especially Olivia. It was something she had wanted for so long.
The doctor nodded sympathetically. "I think it's as likely as not, assuming she was pregnant in the first place. Home pregnancy tests can be unreliable. But we will see when the results come back in. Bottom line is, she has insisted that I don't give her any medication for the considerable pain or schedule surgery until I know for sure. So right now we are holding. As soon as we get the results, I'll make sure she's comfortable."
Elliot inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly, reclining his head in acceptance. "Thank you Doctor. For everything. Can I go in to see her?"
Doctor Tolliver nodded, motioning to the first closed door several feet from where they stood. "Go ahead. When I know more, I'll come speak to you both."
Elliot nodded his thanks in return and walked over to the door, feeling his heart thud nervously. Would he be prepared for what he saw? Peering through the window cautiously as he had with Eli, Elliot looked in on his partner, best friend, lover, and soul mate.
Olivia lay motionless on the hospital bed surrounded by a motley crew of machines, most of which were hooked up to her in some way. Her hair was dark against the bright white pillow and, although still far too pale, the color in her face had improved significantly since she had first been wheeled in. The oxygen mask had been removed and even from the doorway Elliot could see her breathing steadily on her own, the thick blanket covering her rising and falling rhythmically as she slept. Her arms and one of her feet rested above rather than below the thermal covers. Both hands and a chunk of her one arm were wrapped in white gauze, with only the tiniest bit of a fingertip showing on some fingers. One side of her face bore a pink burn from the frostbite, but the dark circles under her eyes had lightened considerably. Her injured ankle was elevated in a stirrup, enrobed in a gray air cast.
Quietly, Elliot pushed open the heavy door and entered the room, absorbing the burble and hiss and beeps of the machines around her. Closing the door softly behind him, he stood back for a moment and took her in. She was safe. His Olivia was safe. Elliot closed his eyes briefly and murmured a quiet "Thank God".
When he reopened his eyes, her warm brown ones were looking back.
Heart fluttering and a lump rising in his throat, Elliot smiled at her. Her eyes were blurry, drowsy, but she smiled back at him easily.
"Hey you." Her voice was as husky as his had been earlier, and Elliot felt his heart happily skip a beat.
"Hey yourself." Elliot struggled to get the words out through the raging emotion. He moved to sit near her, pulling a chair up beside the bed, his hands trembling slightly as he lost himself in the melted chocolate of her eyes. He wanted to say more, so much more, but it was all tangled in his mind, so he settled on the simpler act of smiling instead.
"You have no idea how glad I am to see you." Her voice was a whisper, but Olivia's smile was wide and genuine, if a bit lethargic.
"I think I have an idea," Elliot chuckled, taking a bandaged hand gently in his with the utmost care. "Almost as glad as I am to see you." Searching, he found one finger that was not completely bandaged and gently kissed the tip.
"Return of the mummy," Olivia joked quietly, feeling a powerful sense of warmth and happiness flood through her from being close again. Close to the man she loved. To the man she thought she would never see again. Elliot laughed lightly, reaching up with his free hand to stroke her hair, brushing the loose tendrils out of her face.
"I love you," Olivia whispered, gently extricating her bandaged hand from his to touch his cheek, eyes soft and wet.
"I know. Eli told me. As if I ever doubted it. I love you too." Elliot smiled warmly.
"Eli!" Suddenly Olivia tensed, her hand jerking away from his face and her eyes widening. When she struggled to sit up, Elliot immediately put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her back down, the machines around her beeping warningly. "Eli, Elliot, is he okay? I sent him for help, I-"
Elliot shushed her by covering her mouth with his hand.
"Liv, relax. You can't get upset like that. He's fine. Eli's great. He'll need counselling of course, but physically he's good. So good in fact they sent him home already. But he's eager to come back to see you."
Olivia relaxed, settling back into the bed as the heart monitor resumed a more moderate rhythm. "Thank God. He was so brave Elliot, so brave. He's a lot like you." Returning her hand to his, she closed her eyes for a moment and fell silent. Elliot too sat quietly, wanting her to drift back to sleep if she felt like it. Lord knows, she needed it.
Leaning over and nuzzling her forehead soothingly, Elliot let his lips rest there for a moment before drawing back. She was warm, pleasantly warm, and he felt relieved by that. Olivia reopened her eyes at the gentle contact, smiling at him lovingly. It was only when she shifted a bit on the bed that he saw the sleepy look replaced with a hot stab of agony as she glanced down briefly at her injured foot.
"How you feeling?" Elliot asked dryly, knowing the answer but feeling like it was a question he should broach anyway.
"I'm good." Olivia was eventually successful at forcing the pain back from her features but it took her several minutes. Reaching up, she ran her bandaged fingers over Elliot's growing beard. "What's up with this? You need a shave!"
Knowing she was trying to distract him from her pain, Elliot chuckled and let his hand rest on her forehead. "Nice try. You are such a liar. Olivia, you're in pain. Let the doctor give you something to make you comfortable."
Olivia shook her head, visibly hesitant, her mental wheels turning. "I . . . I can't. Elliot-"
He cut her off quickly, not wanting her to become upset again. "I know Liv. I saw the pregnancy test in your bathroom." Olivia exhaled carefully, relieved that he knew. "But let's face it, after what you've been through . . . Even the doctor says . . ."
Olivia nodded in acceptance of what he couldn't say, emotional pain clouding her features rather than physical pain this time. "I know. I know the odds . . . aren't good. But if I was, I would never forgive myself if I took something that could . . . hurt it . . . the baby."
The sound of the door creaking open suddenly drew their attention. After a moment, Fin appeared in the doorway, relieved but obviously unhappy.
"Hi Fin." Olivia greeted their friend quietly with a warm smile, thankful for the disruption.
"I am so damn glad to see you Liv," Fin responded, slipping into the room. Elliot was amused to note he didn't appear at all fazed to see them holding hands. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but Cragen just got a call from the station. Kingsley is putting up a fuss about being held without being charged." Fin looked suddenly uncomfortable, his eyes darting back and forth between Elliot and Olivia. "I'm sorry to do this, but we really need to charge him. Liv, I'm going to have to ask for your statement."
"Not now Fin," barked Elliot, his eyes menacing, suddenly irrationally irritated at the intrusion. "She's not in any condition to give a statement."
Fin opened his mouth to respond but Olivia silenced him with a wave of her hand, turning her attention back to her boyfriend. "El, it's okay. You know better than anyone how important it is we get this done right away. I'm okay. Let's just do it."
Sighing heavily but giving in to his girlfriend's beautiful beseeching eyes, Elliot grabbed her hand and steeled himself to hear the details of her ordeal.
Even steeling himself, it was almost unbearable.
Elliot held it together relatively well until she got to the part about her ankle and the activities in the bedroom. By that point his body was so filled with rage he had to stand up and pace the room, his temper threatening to explode. The unadulterated cruelty . . . If he went back to the station now, that little maggot would be dead.
Recounting her story calmly to Fin, Olivia watched Elliot pace uneasily. When he was finally able to look back at her, she reached out a hand, silently asking him to come back to her. He immediately complied, sitting back down beside her and holding her hand as best he could. Wrapping up her story, Olivia confidently picked Seth out of a photo lineup. Fin kissed her cheek gently before leaving with a nod to Elliot, closing the door quietly behind him.
Exhaling loudly, Olivia turned weary eyes to her boyfriend. "I'm glad that's done with. On so many levels."
"Liv. . ." Elliot didn't even know where to begin, how to apologize for what he had brought on her. Sensing his struggle and the reason behind it, Olivia shook her head firmly, silencing him with a fingertip against his lips.
"This isn't your fault El. No matter what you think. No matter what this lunatic's reasons. This is not your fault. Now kiss me dammit."
Elliot couldn't help but smile as he leaned down to kiss her softly on the mouth. He had intended to keep it short and sweet, but Olivia had other plans, her mouth hungry and insistent against his. Her lips parted, invited him in, and he kissed her as passionately as he knew how, hoping to eradicate all the nasty memories of Seth.
And for a moment, he did.
It took the sound of a throat clearing behind them to break them apart. Craning their necks, Elliot and Olivia glanced toward the door to see Doctor Tolliver standing there uncomfortably, a white piece of paper held loosely in his hands.
"Sorry," he muttered apologetically, glancing away as they flushed slightly with embarrassment.
"No, it's fine Doctor," Olivia assured him, taking Elliot's hand in hers. Sucking in a deep breath, she marshaled her inner reserves and prepared for the bad news she knew was coming.
"So, what's the verdict?" Olivia tried to come across as flippant and disinterested, but she failed. When she spoke again, her voice trembled just a bit and her words gave away her true desires.
"Please tell me I'm still pregnant."
A/N – A huge "Thank you" to all the wonderful people who have reviewed Perfect so far. Your comments have been kind, insightful, and motivating. Your enjoyment of the story has kept me writing. Thank you thank you thank you!
Now you have a choice. I am considering adding a final chapter as an epilogue. It would be light, not angsty at all for once, and you will find out the way I had envisioned the story ending. Or, I could just leave it here and allow you to end the story in your mind whatever way would make you happy. That would certainly be an SVU thing to do, wouldn't it?
What are your thoughts? One more chapter, or do you want to control the way it ends for yourself? Sometimes that can be more fun and satisfying.