So begins the Asgard Ranch arc, more commonly known as the "best freaking part of the whole story… so far". In my humble opinion.
Sorry it took so long to get up (like, what, two months??). I got a crappy report card and was grounded… and was thus unable to submit anything. But I'm back now, and super sorry!
So, is my love for the Desians making this story sound a bit bias? giggles
--
Chapter Twenty-One
The next morning, Lloyd and his cooking victims were especially grumpy. Genis got a kick out of making fun of them until Raine beat him within an inch of his life, and he shut up after that. Kratos, always the quiet condescending one, was quiet and condescending.
"So, Professor," Lloyd finally broke the grumpy silence. "How far 'till we get to Luin?"
Raine pointed towards the horizon. "It's not too far, remember? I'd say we'll be there by... noon, at the latest."
Lloyd had one heck of a blast nagging the Professor when they arrived in the city at exactly twelve twenty-three.
"-and you said we'd be there at noon and we actually - holy hell!"
"Lloyd," Genis said with a sly sort of shrug. "There is nothing holy about hell."
"No, look!" Lloyd pointed to the city which spread out before them. That is, the remains of the city. Luin had been utterly and completely destroyed; bridges were broken, the streets were littered with craters, and not a single house was left standing. The group walked through the once cheerful city, utterly horrified (except for Kratos, who was only a bit horrified).
"This is horrible..." Colette muttered. She stared at the tiny Katz house, which was now nothing more than a hole in the wall, littered with debris and catnip. Her eyes filled with tears.
"Hey, Colette!" Lloyd said. "I thought you couldn't-"
The tears vanished without a trace.
"Hey!" Came Genis' voice from up ahead. "What the hell are you doing here??"
Lloyd and Colette ran around the corner to find the rest of the group gathered around a bloody and beat up someone. A rather busty someone.
"Sheena-chanchan!" Colette cried, tears springing to her eyes again. She dropped to her knees and hugged the dying human, sobbing uncontrollably. Sheena twitched.
"Um, Sheena-chanchan?" The ninja repeated, looking confused and a bit scared.
"What are you doing here?" Lloyd asked. Sheena pushed Colette away and sighed.
"If you want to finish me off, now's your chance," She said bitterly. "I don't have any strength left to fight."
Colette clasped her hands sadly. "You've lost a lot of blood." She said.
"How could you tell?" Sheena asked with a touch of sarcasm.
"It's all over everywhere," Lloyd said matter-of-factly. Sheena rolled her eyes.
"Professor, please!" Colette begged. "Heal her!"
Raine shrugged. "OK, fine. But first Sheena'd better tell us everything. It seems she has accomplices, and this may just be a trap."
Sheena laughed. "Ha. You're just as devious as you look."
"Call me what you like," Raine said with a shrug.
"OK, fine." Sheena sighed. Then, she tried gesturing towards the city, but found it hard seeing as her arm was nearly sawed off. "Take a look at this city. Everything's in ruin. The Desians... invaded."
"Man!" Lloyd kicked at the ground. Then, he pointed accusingly at Colette. "This is your fault! You jinxed it!" Colette started crying again. Sheena continued:
"Everything was blown to smitherines, and the survivors were taken to the Asgard Human Ranch." She sighed, and then looked up at the group. "So, does anyone wonder why it's called the Asgard Ranch when it's closer to Luin?"
Before anyone had a chance to answer, there was a loud shriek from behind them. "AAAAH! Somebody help me!"
Around the corner came Pastor Joe, running as fast as his old pastorly legs could carry him. What he was running from was soon revealed.
"It's Clara! She's managed to get all the way over here!" Raine gasped, pointing at the grotesque monster.
"Damn. She's fast." Lloyd commented.
"And she can swim, apparently," Genis added.
Sheena leapt into action. She unfurled a deck of cards and jumped in front of Clara. "Stay back, you monster!" Clara swung an enormous hand at the assassin and kept right on walking. "GAAAaaaah..." Sheena fell over, pretty much chopped in two.
"Clara!" Colette cried, releasing her wings and hovering in front of the monster. "Please, stop!" Hey, it worked last time.
And, for some strange reason, it worked this time too. Clara gave a half-hearted sort of swing at the Chosen before she turned around and ran for it.
"Why does she always do that?" Genis asked as Colette fell back to the ground.
"Why does it always work?" Lloyd added before he hurried to Colette's side. "Are you alright, Colette?" he asked, wading through Sheena's blood to reach the Chosen.
"I-I'm fine..." Colette said, standing up and dusting herself off. "But what about Sheena?"
What was left of Sheena gave an annoyed sort of growl. Raine decided that it was high time she healed the assassin, which she did. As Sheena's parts stitched themselves back together, the ninja stood up shakily.
"Wh-why did you save me?" she asked, as if they hadn't been planning on healing her from the beginning.
"Because we're the good guys!" Lloyd stated proudly. "We'd save a freaking Desian if he gave us a good reason. Well... no, that's a lie, but we'd save anyone else because no one could ever be as evil as a Desian."
Not too far away, Desian Number Five Hundred Seventy-Seven gave a hearty sneeze.
"Well, thanks," Sheena said. She twisted her hands nervously before she continued: "Ah, listen. I've got... a favor I'd like to ask."
"Oh, suure," Genis said sarcastically. "We'll do anything for you, Sheena, even though you've been trying to kill us since Chapter Eight."
"You betcha!" Colette agreed enthusiastically. "What do you need, Sheena?"
"The people in this city were so nice to me..." Sheena shrugged. "And it's sort of my fault that they got attacked. So... will you help me save them?"
"I don't think so." Raine started. "We don't owe-"
"HUMAN RANCH HUMAN RANCH HUMAN RANCH!!!" Lloyd interupted. He had an evil sort of grin and was foaming at the mouth. "I WANT TO INVADE IT!!"
Sheena took several steps backwards. "Is he OK?"
"He's fine." Raine said, waving it off.
"We'd love to help you, Sheena!" Colette giggled. Genis actually agreed.
"Yeah, I want to kick some Desian ass!" he clenched his fists. "They always do such terrible things! And they make us look bad!"
"Us?" Lloyd asked. He pointed to his elven buddy. "I thought you guys were elves, not half-elves."
"W-we are!" Genis said quickly. "I mean, they make elves look bad! Because, they're half elf!"
"Oh, yeah!" Lloyd nodded eagerly. "So they make humans look bad, too! Man, they suck!"
Kratos, ignoring his overly excited idiots, spoke up. "It's probably best to take Sheena along. It will be easier to keep an eye on her."
Raine shrugged. "You have a point there. OK, let's-"
"LET'S GO KICK SOME DESIAN ASS!" Lloyd and Genis chorused.
And so they did.
--
The Asgard Human Ranch was pretty similar to all previous ranches, right down to the scary background music. Everyone shivered slightly as they stepped into the shadow of the building, except for Lloyd who gave an excited sort of gigglesnort.
"Hey, what's that?" Kratos asked, pointing to a very suspicious and out of place boulder which was hiding a very conspicuous hole in the ground. Everyone ignored him, however, because no one ever really listens to Kratos. Which was stupid, but whatever. So, they came up to the entrance of the ranch, only to find it guarded by several Desians.
"What do we do now?" Genis whispered.
"WE ATTACK!" Lloyd shouted. Raine smacked a hand over his mouth and spoke as if she hadn't heard him.
"We'll steal a few Desian's uniforms so that we can sneak in, all unoticed-like..."
"Yeah, like a fish!" Colette added.
"Yeah, and then-" Raine stopped and stared at Colette. Lloyd stopped struggling against the Professor's hand and stared at Colette. Genis and Kratos stopped glaring at each other and stared at Colette. And Sheena simply stared at Colette.
"Like... a fish?" Raine sighed. "OK, yeah, like a fish. And then we'll find the captives and set 'em free and maybe hit the self-destruct button before we skedaddle."
"Self-destruct button?" Sheena asked incredulously. "Do you honestly think they'd be so stupid as to have a self-destruct button?"
"Yes." Replied the entire group shortly. Just then, three Desians walked past their hiding spot. Raine, Kratos, and Lloyd each grabbed one and pulled them into the bushes. The poor half-elves didn't even have a chance to scream before they were brutally murdered and stripped down to their underwear.
"This is a bit awkward." Genis said, watching Kratos struggle to remove one Desian's incredibly revealing outfit.
"Maybe... " Lloyd replied, unable to pull his eyes away from the almost-naked woman. He gave a nervous sort of giggle.
"I suggest we return to Luin," Raine suggested, which was really more of a command. And so they left the naked Desians behind the bushes and ran back to Luin.
--
Later that night, the group gathered around a campfire to go over their plan one more time.
"OK," Raine said, shifting through the pile of Desian uniforms. "Only one of these outfits is really usable. The rest have big holes in them." She glared at Kratos and Lloyd, who had made murdering the Desians far too messy. The boys looked at their feet, ashamed.
"So, I think I'll be wearing this one." Raine said. She scurried behind a bush to change. When she emerged a few minutes later, it was impossible to tell that she was not a blood-thirsty half-elf but a somewhat violent school teacher. She exchanged a high-five with Colette.
"Heeey!" Lloyd whined. "I wanna be the Desian!"
"Shut up, Lloyd," Raine snapped. She gestured to her uniform, which was really no more than an armored bikini. "This is a female outfit. This will look the most natural."
Lloyd pouted. Just then, Sheena stepped out from the bushes, also clad in a slutty Desian outfit. "Why do you get to wear one, too?" Lloyd cried, pointing at the ninja and her boobs.
Sheena placed a hand on her hip. "I got this uniform before, when I was going to invade the ranch alone."
"Wow." Genis said. "How the hell were you planning on pulling that off?" Sheena ignored him.
"So," She continued. "Raine and I will be the Desians, and the rest of you will be our prisoners."
"Awww man!" Lloyd whined. "This sucks!"
"Hey, you're already wanted anyway." Genis pointed out. "So it'll work best if you're a prisoner."
Lloyd pouted. But he agreed in the end. As did the rest of the group (Kratos wasn't too keen on being a prisoner, either). So, they spread out their sleeping bags for the night, Sheena offered to be the night watch (but Kratos ended up doing it anyway), and the group fell asleep to visions of dead Desians and blown up ranches.