The scene that was playing before Miku felt chillingly familiar. Here they were, with Luka close to tears questioning Miku's faithfulness. But unlike before, Miku couldn't even begin to think of a retort in her defense. In the end, she'd allowed Haku to get close to her –regretted it, but she'd done nothing in attempt to stop her. She took in her curves, and let her touch her. It stung to admit, but she deserved Luka's anger, and whatever fate had in store for her next. And instead of answering Luka's question, she flinched, as if expecting a blow.
"Not even a sorry…" Luka muttered, sounding close to tears as Miku heard the sound of her phone clattering to the ground beyond her with her eyes squeezed tightly shut. "If you can't even be faithful when we're apart when I'm studying, how can I expect you to remain mine when I'm in college?" The anger in her voice withered and died, but the bite in her words was still there, whether she meant it or not. They certainly hurt Miku, each word feeling like a needle driving its way deep into her skin. But Miku still couldn't answer, and her feelings of guilt choked her words.
"Do you even have anything to say to me!?" Luka raised her voice once again. "Anything at all…?" A silence fell between the two, and Miku continued to keep her eyes closed. She didn't want to see any of it: The hurt in Luka's eyes, the pained expression on her face, the defeated way she probably held herself. If this was the last time she ever got to see Luka, she didn't want to see her at all. All she wanted to do was preserve the memories of her smiling kindly at her- just like always- tucked behind her eyelids.
"Fine." Luka spoke in a dead monotone that hardly rose above a chilling howl of wind passing by just outside. "Until you have anything to say to me, we're through." Her voice faltered, and Miku could only imagine the pink-haired angel before her was weeping –crying because of her. But what could she say that would make her feel any better? She'd more or less welcomed Haku's advances in a moment of weakness and pity. Maybe they were drifting apart and maybe this was a sign they weren't really meant to be. Once Luka was gone, off continuing her studies in college, who was to know if more people like Haku came into Miku's life –so able to tear down her walls and waltz in without any defenses to stop them. One by one, more invisible needles dug into Miku, making her feel worse and worse.
A single tear managed to break through Miku's eyes and trickled down her cheek.
"Luka! I-" Miku shouted, finally opening up her mouth and eyes, only to find the stairwell was empty, and she was all alone, in the presence of nothing but her cellphone Luka had left behind, just a few steps above. She wildly whipped around, hoping she'd catch a glimpse of her goddess one last time, maybe her flowing pink hair disappearing past the stairwell doors. But there was nothing. No warmth, no hope, just the cool winter air that flowed through the unheated stairwell and nipped at her exposed flesh. Luka was gone.
Her legs gave out from under her as her vision hopelessly blurred from tears that quickly began to pool around her eyes the moment she'd come to the realization she was alone. Miku fell weakly to the ground and buried her face in her hands as sobs broke free of her lips. At first, her shoulders shook, and then her entire body. "Dying" was the only way she could describe what she was feeling, what with her heart aching so much it made her cringe and her horrifying shortness of breath. It felt like someone was holding her underwater, and her lungs were filling with liquid. Soon, she'd stop breathing altogether, drowned in her misery and sinking deep into the depths of despair.
"Luka…" She sobbed, drawing in sharp, short breaths that made her lungs ache and her throat burn. "Luka… I…" Her plea to the silence around her was cut short by the whining noise of her cellphone. Who in the world could be calling her at a time like this? She didn't want to talk to anyone, not now. But, despite that, she sluggishly turned and crawled up to the buzzing device. On the screen was a number without a contact name, but a number she knew very well already.
With an angry gasp she grabbed the phone tightly in her hand and raised it up into the air as it continued to ring, the din of the high-pitched melody beckoning her to answer. She gripped tighter, her tear-filled eyes focused on the stairs below. One, quick thrust and she wouldn't have to speak to Haku again!
…But then who would she speak to? Who would she cry to, and who would hold her? Who would caress her and kiss her and… love her? Another needle punctured her as she came to realize the painful truth: Haku was all she had left now. Haku would hear her, and hold her and kiss her. Haku and all her scars and suffering would understand. Haku, who knew what it was like to lose someone she loved, would understand.
Slowly and shakily, she lowered her hand and inched the phone closer to her face before flipping it open and taking the call. And somehow, it felt as if she were signing her life away with that one, simple action.
"Haku…"
"So you just left her there!?"
Luka felt her face twitch in annoyance as her resolve from what happened during lunch break was questioned. She looked up from the table to her detractor: Kaito, who was sitting next to Gumi who silently sipped her soda and listened, looking lost in thought. Miss Meiko had caught an unfortunate cold, so the three of them had gone to a fast food joint nearby. Ritsu and Gakupo would have gone along, but the older boy insisted on studying, and Ritsu insisted on being attached to his hip. They had no idea just how much Luka envied them, both for the fact that Gakupo could focus on his studies and for the fact his lover was so hopelessly devoted to him.
"What else was I supposed to do, Kaito? She went completely mute and wouldn't even look at me!" Luka snapped back.
"Force her to talk, or something, I don't know!" Kaito angrily answered back, deciding to imitate his companion by sipping on his drink as well.
"Wow, real insightful of you there, Romeo." Gumi sarcastically commented, earning her a rather hurt look from Kaito. "But, really, I sort of have to ask the same thing. I know you're mad, and you should be but… you just left here there on the stairs?"
"Oh god, not you too, Gumi." Luka sighed. "I thought you were on my side." She felt a little selfish in saying that – a phrase people their age stopped saying in elementary school- but she desperately wanted someone to assure her what she'd done was right.
"Really, I'm on the side of you and Miku being the perfect couple I thought you were…" Gumi shrugged. "Miku screws up a lot, but I root for the both of you. It's almost disappointing to hear you ended things so coldly. It isn't like you at all."
Both Kaito and Gumi flinched as Luka unexpectedly slammed her hands against the table and quickly rose from her seat. Maybe it was instinctual, but Gumi reached out and grasped her companions arm. Just the very sight of it made Luka hurt even more. It seemed everywhere she looked, there were couples, and here she was, all alone.
"I didn't end it- Miku did!" Luka cried, her open hands slowly clenching into fists. "She ended things by going off and having a fling because I was too busy to give her attention. And I won't be around as often when I'm in college –If I even get in!" It felt like all of Luka's problems were crashing in around her –first her troubles with Miku, and now her stress about entrance exams. "She isn't ready, she's proven that."
"But, did she really?" Kaito slowly asked after a short silence, followed by Luka groaning in frustration and leaving the table without another word. She figured her friends could help her- Gumi especially- but it seemed she was alone. Maybe that was best: to just remain on her own and focus on her studies and her reputation, just like she had before. There would be no one to distract her or drag her down or… hold her or kiss her or-
Luka shook her head as she stepped out of the fast food joint and into the cold. She looked out at the snow swirling madly around before her, and, for a brief second, contemplated going back inside. But then she'd look like a fool, and it would only prove to Kaito and Gumi that she was truly unsure of what she was doing. She was sure, she was totally sure… wasn't she? Heaving a sigh that formed a massive white, translucent cloud in front of her face, Luka trekked into the cold, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket.
"Jeeze, Luka's normally so composed." Kaito observed in awe as the two of them watched Luka tromp away. "Should be follow her?"
"No, no, this is a problem she has to deal with on her own." Gumi told him sternly. "It's best we stay out of her problems so she can learn to deal with this sort of heartache by herself. She's going to be apart from Miku for a long time while she's in college, so she's going to deal with problems of her own. Her working this out without our help is going to make her stronger, I'm sure of it."
"Well, aren't you the makings of an awesome parent." Kaito snorted in jest.
"Yeah, and you're going to totally be a stellar dad." Gumi rolled her eyes, going back to her drink.
"Want to find out?" Kaito asked with a playful cock of his eyebrow, to which Gumi responded by choking on her soda in surprise. The blue-haired boy just sat back and smiled, enjoying his companion's reaction.
"God, Kaito." Gumi huffed, a noticeable red tint in her cheeks. "Sometimes you can just be so… annoying." Kaito only laughed in response as Gumi returned to drinking in attempts to cool down.
Miku sat quietly on her room, her chin rested on her drawn up knees and a now-cold cup of tea in her hands. She'd cried herself out over the phone with Haku, and now she felt void of anything. She simply stared blankly forward, behaving like she didn't have company over, who remained equally silent, but looked over to the quiet girl with concern.
Haku sat beside Miku on her bed, allowing the silence to continue as she sipped the last remaining drops of tea she had left in her own cup. In a flood of tears and sobbing, Miku had begged for her to come over, unable to utter an understandable sentence about what exactly had happened. But, despite that, Haku came over right away after school, even arriving at Miku's house before her and having a pleasant conversation with her mom when she arrived. Haku was ready and able to be by her side in Miku's darkest hour, and it shown a little light on Miku's now cold and aching heart.
"I'm sorry…" Haku finally uttered, hanging her head. "I had no idea you already had a girlfriend… I never bothered to ask. I shouldn't have called you, I knew it was a mistake-"
"It isn't your fault." Miku cut in, stopping Haku before she escalated into hysterics. "I should have told you, but instead, I let you do what you wanted… I guess I couldn't say no to you."
"I never gave you the chance, and I understand. After seeing what I've done to myself, I wouldn't be able to tell me, "no", either." Haku laughed uneasily, casting a sad, sideways glance at Miku. "I almost feel like I took advantage of you. Even without trying I end up hurting people…"
"Please, Haku, don't." Miku shook her head as she bent down and sat her cup of cold tea on the floor. "Luka and I probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. She's graduating this year, and I don't even know if I would last without her once she's left."
"I'll never leave you!" Haku suddenly burst out, and Miku quickly straightened up in surprise, looking back at the silver-haired girl beside her who now had her hands over her mouth. "I…I mean, if you want me to. I'll be by your side whenever you want me, and I'll never leave you alone. I could be your closest friend or… something more, if you'd have me." A blush could be seen between her fingers as she averted her eyes. "What am I saying, you probably want nothing to do with me, now…"
Without a word, Miku suddenly threw herself at her and wrapped her arms around the younger, surprised girl.
"M-Miku!" Haku stammered, though her words were laden with nerves, her body seemed to be more than willing to embrace Miku back. She could feel Haku's soft, ripe body press itself closer to her as she, too, wrapped her arms around Miku's now quivering form. Resting her head on her shoulder, Miku finally found what little tears she had yet to shed and cried. She loudly sobbed as she buried her face into Haku's shoulder, while the younger girl soothingly rubbed her back, not seeming troubled at all by Miku's sudden burst of emotion.
Eventually, her tears had run dry, and all that came up now were dry sobs and hiccups. Crying, somehow, had sapped her energy, and now Miku weakly rested herself against Haku like a ragdoll as the girl continued to lovingly stroke up and down her back, quietly responding to Miku's last, choked bits of sadness with kind shushes. Something about being in Haku's arms made Miku feel safe and warm, like she was shielding her from the sad, Luka-less reality she was having trouble facing. Haku held her like a parent trying to sooth an upset child, and her method seemed to work wonders on Miku. Before long, she was breathing evenly and now simply laid slack against the younger girl, arms still wrapped around her and head still resting against her shoulder. If possible, there was a chance she could maybe fall asleep like this, wrapped in Haku's embrace.
But despite the calm, there was still a slight pain just swimming below the surface. She was certain the moment she would have to pull away from Haku, it would surface and consume her. Haku's arms seemed to be the only thing protecting her, and it filled her with a sense of panic.
"It hurts…" she muttered into Haku's uniform. "This whole thing just… hurts so much."
"I… might know a way to make the pain go away." Haku offered before a few, soft clicks reached Miku's ears. Curiously, she looked down, noticing an unsheathed razor blade now forced between them, held aloft in Haku's hand.
"What!?" Miku gasped, pulling away out of fear of the potential weapon digging into her. Haku held it so close to her, and was handling the harmful object without an inkling of fear. She elegantly turned it over in her hand as the metallic blade shown in the light of Miku's room.
"I swear, it helps!" Haku assured her, reaching out and taking one of Miku's wrists. "It will make you feel all better!"
"N-no!" Miku gasped, wrenching her arm away from Haku in fear and holding it protectively close to her body. Her heart was beating horribly fast now as she looked back at Haku in terror. "It will… it will hurt! It's not going to help me at all!"
"But I promise it will, and I promise it won't even hurt. Even when I did it my first time I hardly felt a thing." Haku looked down at the razor blade in an almost romantic manner, like she was about to swoon over it. Just like how Miku was holding her arm close, Haku held the harmful object close to her, pressing it against her chest without an inch of fear of being cut. "A razor like this won't judge you and, even though it cuts, it's not out to harm you at all. It only exists to siphon out your misery, and it does so with ease. No one uses it because they're afraid, but really, there's really no harm in doing it at all. Sure, you're like me, with your body covered in scars, but you'll feelbetter. A razor is better than any friend of therapist, and does its job quickly and efficiently." As she spoke, Haku rolled up one of her sleeves, revealing her pale, scar-covered arm.
"Haku, wait!" Miku gasped, throwing her hand over her mouth as Haku held the razor to her own skin and smiled. She looked up at her, and Miku could only shake her head in disbelief.
"I'll show you, look…" With a quick swipe, Haku had run the blade over her skin, and a deep crimson line formed across it, which soon began to spill forth a trickle of her own blood. Miku flinched backward, but didn't look away. "It doesn't hurt at all, and in fact, I feel a lot better." Haku held her bleeding wrist up to her face, bring it so close it almost seemed as if she were about to kiss it. "All of your sorrows, all of your pain –you can just bleed them out, and you're a new person again." She paused and looked at Miku expectantly. "Please, Miku, just once. It hurts to see you so upset and I know from experience you'll feel so much better!"
Miku was hesitant, reaching out and pulling away several times before finally, gingerly, taking the razor blade from Haku, who smiled in a congratulatory manner. Miku carefully handled the blade, as if the slightest wrong move could end her completely. She could see her reflection in the metal, looking back at her with red, puffy eyes that were full of painful sadness and a frown that almost made her want to start crying again. She then turned to the wrist of her other hand, untouched and smooth. Her heart began to beat faster as she carefully rolled up the sleeve just enough so that she could make the cut.
"You… you promise I'll feel better afterward?" Miku asked shakily, looking to Haku who gazed back at her warmly.
"I promise." Haku smiled. "Just one cut is all it takes."
In the brief moments before Miku willingly ran the razor across her skin, she thought of Luka's smile.
Luka felt like a zombie as she lay on her bed. Her study materials that once sat on her desk were messily swept across the top and some on the floor from when she'd come home. The walk through the snow hadn't calmed her down at all, and when she finally returned home she must have looked completely disheveled, because every maid and butler she ran into on the way to her room looked at her in fright and stepped out of the way. And when she reached her room and slammed the door behind her, her eyes fell on her schoolwork, laid neatly out for her on her desk, waiting for her to memorize and take notes on, just as always. Just as always, it sat there once again, to be the thing that kept her from everything else… even the people she loved. It mocked her silently, and in her inconsolable state, she couldn't stand it.
Maybe if I hadn't been so consumed in her studies, then maybe Miku wouldn't have…
No sooner had that thought passed through her mind did Luka fly into a rage that surprised even her when it was over. She knocked over stacks of books and tore apart papers, scattering everything that had been so neatly awaiting her in a wild frenzy of anger and sadness. The only thing that stopped her was a sheet of paper she had clutched in her hands near the end of her fit, ready to tear it apart like all the others. But, to her surprise, it was a piece of sheet music –specifically the piece her and Miku had sang: "Magnet". She had no idea how it got mixed in with her study materials, but she didn't care to find out. Instead she held it close to her face and cried, soaking the paper with her tears and causing the ink to run. She still held the crumpled, tear-spotted piece of paper as she weakly lay in bed. The hand that clutched the paper was the same hand where she wore her ring. It glinted in the faint light drifting in through her window, and just looking at it formed a lump in Luka's throat. However, no matter how sad it made her to look at it, she didn't have the strength or courage to take it off, just like she couldn't rip apart the sheet music.
She was angry at Miku –oh, so very furious- and afraid for their future but… she couldn't bring herself to hate her, no matter what she did.
"Y-young miss…" Came a timid voice from beyond her door. Sleepily and slowly, Luka sat up, rubbing her eyes with her free hand. It was one of her maids, sounding a bit nervous –maybe because she'd heard Luka's outburst from before.
"Yes?" Luka asked, languidly.
"O-One of your… fiends is- Ah! U-Um, excuse me!" What sounded like a mad scuffle seemed to break out in the hallway, mixed with sharp whispers and words of discontent and trouble from Luka's maid before Gumi came stumbling in, pushing past the help with a look of worry on her face. She seemed completely out of sorts, and was completely out of breath.
"Gumi! What are you doing here?" Luka asked, feeling a bit worried herself. Whatever Gumi was there to do, she couldn't be carrying any good news. She looked frightful, like she was late for something and was fighting and losing against the clock.
"It's Miku!" Gumi finally managed to say after a few, troubled breaths. She panted a few more times before continuing, allowing tension to rise without meaning to. "I stopped by her house to see if she was alright and… oh god…" She paused, looking like she was regretting what she had to say.
"Gumi, what is it!?" Luka seethed, clutching she piece of sheet music tightly in her hands. Now she knew whatever bad news Gumi had, it had to do with Miku.
"She's in the hospital!" Gumi shouted. "Miku's in the hospital!"
"What!?" Luka gasped, and before anyone could say anything more, she bolted out of the room, leaving the crumpled sheet music to flutter to the floor.
Something horrible must have happened, and the moment it happened, Luka hadn't been there. She'd been angry, but now she was full of nothing but worry –nothing but love. When it all came down to it, she could see past Miku's mistakes because, no matter her feelings, Luka still loved her. And the news of Miku being in the hospital stirred within her a strong, dizzying feeling of panic. She rudely pushed past her maids and butlers and clumsily tripped down the hallways and stairs before she got to the front door. As soon as she opened it, she was met with a rough, freezing wind that kicked up snow and spat it at her. Luka stood in the doorway for only a second, shivering briefly, before running out into the cold –without both shoes or jacket.
Fighting against the wind, it wasn't long before Luka began to grow weary, and her feet began to scream in pain from running through the snow. She had barely left her own front lawn before she slipped and fell into the snow. Staggering back up, she looked down at her ring as tears welled up in her eyes once more.
"Miku…" She sobbed, as another voice behind her climbed above the billowing wind.
"Luka! Luka, you idiot!" It was Gumi, a pair of shoes and a jacket for her friend in tow. "How far were you expecting to get without even shoes!? By the time you'd get to the hospital, they'd have to admit you for frostbite!"
"S-Sorry…" Luka muttered, her teeth chattering. "I guess I got a little… carried away."
"It's fine, I mean… people do a lot of stupid shit when they're in love." Gumi smiled and tossed Luka the items she had brought her. "Now come on, Kaito more or less borrowed his dad's car. It will be a lot faster than running barefoot, I assure you." Once Luka had slipped on her shoes and wrapped herself in her coat, she offered her friend her hand to take.
"Now let's go see if love is the best medicine."
Despite her worry, Luka forced herself to compose as she walked into the waiting room of the hospital. The air was sterile, and a voice from an overhead intercom called for various doctors and nurses to come to whichever odd room. Luka could never pinpoint why, but everything about hospitals made her absolutely nervous.
She looked around for reception, only to spy several familiar people sitting in the waiting room: Miku's mother, and her two close friends, Rin and Len. All three of them were messily hunched over in their seats, and upon closer inspection it appeared they all were asleep. Grief and worry must have taken a lot out of them, Luka figured, as she approached them, hopefully to find some answers about what happened to Miku and if she was alright. Her stomach churned nervously, unsure if she was ready for the answer they would give her.
"I wouldn't wake them up. Right now they can only find peace in sleep." Miku jumped and turned around, coming face to face with a silver-haired girl peering back at her through her bangs with a look that made her feel uneasy. And for some reason, she regarded the three sleeping with familiarity, and with an unfitting smile.
"I-I'm sorry, do I-?" Luka began to ask.
"Oh, we've already met –well, we've talked… well, you didn't really say anything. You must be Luka, I've heard a lot about you." The girl grinned.
"Y-You're that girl… Haku, was it?"
"Oh, so Miku told you my name, how nice." Haku continued to grin as she stepped closer and lowered her voice. "I don't think you'd be very welcome here. After all, Miku's here because of you."
"What!?" Luka took a step back and looked back at Haku with a look of surprise and anger.
"I was there when she did it- I know the root cause of all her pain." Haku chuckled. "Poor thing, I couldn't stop her before she ran that razor blade across her wrist. You must have hurt her a lot more than you realized."
"N-No… Miku would never…"
"Well she did, and it's all because of you." Haku informed her coldly. "She doesn't need you around anymore and you're more poisonous than you realize. I'll be Miku's happiness now, and you can go back to your studies. If you don't stay away, you might hurt Miku even more, and I bet for sure you don't want that."
"Why…?" Luka asked, completely dumbfounded as her heart began to quickly sink.
"Because I care." Haku said, her demeanor changing as her voice became chillingly kind. "And people like you don't deserve people like Miku."