Chapter 21

Awareness

It was late when Finn had left the night before, which had left Dave thinking all evening. He looked at his clock, it was six in the morning, the clouds outside gave way to rain shortly. Dave still hadn't slept and he was restless with his new emotions. He was both scared and elated that he had said it and nothing had happened. He loved the feeling, the freeing feeling of saying it, but now he was scared because it meant it was real. Real. He rolled his eyes at himself, it had always been real. He'd just sometimes pretended that it was someone or something else. He glared at the ceiling, remembering that he'd blamed Kurt when he'd started to realize he wasn't exactly a 'normal' teenage boy, he sat up and sighed. Normal? This was normal... it was normal for him, he nodded to himself. He looked at the clock again... screw it, he got out of bed.

.=.=.

He was glad the school was still open on Saturday mornings. He'd been hoping to run into Bieste, who kept the gym open till five, and see if she had any pull with the Skating Rink. He walked down the quite and isolate hallways and turned towards the gym and froze, Azimio was walking his way, he didn't know why but he turned around and started running. He heard Azimio call his name and heard running behind him. Dave didn't know what he was thinking, why he was running. Was he avoiding conflict? Or was it that anguish he didn't want to feel again? That rejection and... he froze, the gym doors we're locked, he swore and turned around to hear Azimio turning the corner, fuck it, he wasn't hiding, he sighed and waited.

"Hey! What the fuck was that!" yelled Azimio, he looked furious, "First you book it at the ice rink and now you ran, what the fuck!"

"Cause I don't want to hear it!" snapped Dave, "I don't want to hear the insults, the comments, not from you! You know I don't expect you to understand, but could you just have the fucking common curtsy to drop it or stay away from me. I would think our years of friendship would give me at least that!"

"The be fucking clean with me, are you or aren't you! I wan't to hear it from you, okay... if we're playing their friendship card, then you owe me that, too!" yelled Azimio, but Dave could see he was trying to be calm, but he was furious, at what Dave wasn't sure. Dave running from him or Dave being gay?

"Yes," said Dave, angrily, and there it was, that cold feeling, not the warm one he'd felt telling Finn.

"Yes what?" asked Azimio, his face unreadable.

"Yes, I'm gay!" chocked Dave, Azimio's face didn't change.

When he'd told Finn, everything seemed brightened alight... Now here he stood in front of the one person he'd hoped, blindly, would be there. He couldn't look up and face Azimio, knowing what he would see would be disgust, hatred, and rejection. He saw Azimio's feet move and he closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself for two things. Azimio leaving or Azimio hitting him. It sounded horrible, but he prayed for the second one. He felt like ice had been tossed on him, waiting for that stabbing rejection again, that alone feeling. In moments like this, there is no reasoning that you have other friends or that your fine. He heard the footsteps come closer and he squeezed his eyes tighter, waiting for the hit. It never came, instead, without warning, an arm was wrapped around him.

"That's all I wanted to hear, man," said Azimio, Dave looked at him.

There was no hate, disgust, or rejection in his eyes. Just confusion and worry... and friendship. It was like the light was on again, dimly, but it wasn't a cold feeling anymore... just a dull feeling of being unsure. He still waited, waited for it to turn, but it didn't. Azimio gave a half smile and shrugged, he didn't know what else to say and Dave nodded. It was an unsaid understanding, one they'd always been able to say without saying, and this was one of them. Azimio knew Dave was gay and Dave knew Azimio knew. It was solidified bow by admitting it... and like Finn had said, Dave was fine... he was starting to feel that way now. Dave smiled, trying to figure out when tears had started falling, probably somewhere after saying it to Azimio. Azimio smiled back and for a second his eyes went red too until he let out a breath and shook his head.

"D, you gotta have known, that you'd have to do a lot more than dig on dudes to get me out of your life," laughed Azimio, he was trying to lighten the mood, "I mean do you not remember our pact when we we're twelve that we would be friends forever..."

"We also promised that when zombies took over the world we would start a group of rogues to defeat them," said Dave, wiping his face.

"I still hold you to that..." said Azimio and the seriousness on his face made Dave start to laugh, then go into hysterics, "You okay... you need air... you need us to bust into the Hockey Rink... what? I can't hear you over your laughter... what was that?"

Dave shook his head, not really caring about the ice rink anymore. They stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes before Dave heard Azimio take a deep breath and shake his head with a laugh. Dave nodded, he supposed it was a lot to take in at the moment. Azimio put his hand on Dave's shoulder and gave it a friendly squeeze and indicated to his watch.

"I gotta go man, I told Nana I'd be over ten minutes ago, she's gonna chew my ass off for being late," said Azimio, "I suppose I could tell her it was your fault. She'd be okay with it then."

"Yeah, tell her hi..." said Dave as Azimio let his hand drop from his shoulder.

"You have to come over for dinner Sunday, you know how my mom feels when you don't show up," laughed Azimio, "She's been freaking out for weeks. She feels like you broke up with her or something."

"Well... had I shown up, it would have been awkward..." said Dave with a nod.

"If I said shit, my mom would have tossed me out of the house and asked if you wanted something to drink and...okay?" Azimio froze as Dave hugged him, it was a rare thing for them, but not unheard of, "Dave?"

"Sorry, I know it's still awkward.. but I..." Dave pulled away, and Azimio shook his head.

"Dude, how can I hug my bro back when he's pinned my arms with his hug, you fuckhead," said Azimio, returning the hug.

"Well if that ain't the gayest I've ever seen," came a male voice, both looked up to see the Hockey team walking by from their morning practice.

.=.=.

"Finn, seriously. I'm getting sick of this! I want to go out to lunch together. Not eat at your house," said Quinn with a sigh, "Is that too much to ask!"

"Okay, okay... just let me call Rachel and find out where she is," said Finn, Quinn let out a small growl and he put the phone down.

"I'm done Finn! Done! Either we go out right now or I swear to..." he cut her off.

"Okay, let's go... Just calm down Quinn, we can go... right now... I wont call her, I swear," smiled Finn, Quinn smiled and headed out of the room, "I'll just text her."

"Finn!" yelled Quinn angrily from the stairs.

.=.=.

Thankfully Bieste had shown up just in time, so Dave couldn't figure out why he'd stayed at school after the Hockey team went home, perhaps it was the fact his inner thoughts we're weighing the pros and cons of coming out here... it was still more cons so he had disbanded that. He had been walking around for hours, even after running laps on the rink for an hour, glad he'd actually charged his MP3 player... and even after fifteen minutes of making sure Rachel Berry hadn't seen him, he'd wondered what she was doing here on a Saturday, but then she'd ran into the Auditorium. He had decided to leave when he heard Rachel singing, and while she scared the living shit out of him, he did like her voice. He wondered if he could get away with sneaking in, he smiled, he totally could.. it wasn't like he hadn't snuck in before... not that.. anyone knew that. He stopped however as he saw Rachel sitting down and wiping her face as music played... seriously... did Brad ever go home?

Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that girl

Dave stood by the doors, not bothering to hide like he'd planned. He'd heard this song before, where, he had no idea. He knew Rachel was crying, he wondered what Finn or Quinn did now. He walked towards the stage, as much as she annoyed him, he wasn't gonna leave her there to cry.

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold hair with a gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And Heaven knows

I'm not that girl

This song spoke volumes to him, he wondered what musical this might be from as he got closer, knowing she was on the edge of calming herself enough she might not freak when she noticed him.

Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl

There's a girl I know

He loves her so

I'm not that girl...

"Glad you aren't," he said calmly, "You know... mold-like..."

"David? What are you doing here?" asked Rachel, suddenly sobering up, she was indeed one for the dramatics wasn't she.

"Hockey... soul searching... just killin' a Saturday... wanna talk about it?" asked Dave with a shrug as he sat on the stage next to her.

"No," she said, it was silent and then, "Quinn and Finn are dating... I thought I was over him... but.. I'm not... not yet... and... the worst part is they didn't tell me... and that hurts most... I had to find out when I went to Claire's and saw them eating at Breadstix."

"... Rachel... it's not worth getting depressed over... I mean there's nothing we... you can do about them... ohm Finn dating Quinn... it's just... maybe.. maybe now's not the right time... you know.. that saying... if its meant to be it'll be... or is that a song... either way..." said Dave, giving his best at a pep talk.

"You mean like Doris Day's song?" asked Rachel, smiling, "You know... you did promise to sing with me."

"You move fast in this healing thing," said Dave, looking around.

"It just... music makes me feel better... do you know Que Sera Sera?" asked Rachel.

"... yes.." he should just lie next time.

"Would you sing it with me, David... please... not all of it... just the chorus... it would make me feel better..." she smiled, standing up.

"I'm already here... but you do realize, this is you cashing in that one promise... and this will never happen again... right?" asked Dave, he couldn't help but smile.

"... okay.. then never mind... I want it to be a better song.. OH! Mr. Scue wants us to use partners next week... can I cash it in then?" she smiled.

"... you know... I'm more than a little regretting that promise..." said Dave.

TBC