The Hub
1977
"West bound and down/eighteen wheels are rollin'/we're gonna do what they say can't be done/We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there/I'm west bound, just watch ol' "Bandit" run," Fez and Caroline sang together between mouthfuls of fries, giggling when they finished the first verse, which is, let's face it, Fez thought, the only part worth knowing.
"I never get tired of that movie," he said, his arm around her. Hyde couldn't be right about her. Her blonde hair fell in waves right at her shoulder blades. Her voice was so high and her nose so pointed—she reminded him of a little bird, and if his little bird choked herself every now and then, that might just be a quirk. Besides, if he broke up with her now, she might not stop the next time she chose to play her innocent choking game.
"Neither do I! It's so great we have so much in common." She took a sip of her pop through her straw, gazing at him the entire time.
"You know, Caroline, I was thinking maybe I would take you out tonight and," he bent his head and lifted an eyebrow, "take things to the next level."
"That sounds so great, Fez! That would just be the best thing that could ever happen to me." She picked up the seat of her chair while still sitting in it and brought it as close to his as she could. "Making love to you would give me a reason to live," she whispered into his ear, giving his earlobe a slight lick. Sexy, yes, but the words prevented the effect he always thought Caroline licking his ear would have on him.
"Hey, there is Hyde! I will be right back." Tripping over the leg of the chair, he whirled around before running up to the counter. "Hi!"
"Hey. You're still going with her?"
"Hyde, I said I wanted to 'take things to the next level,'" he said, bending his head down and using the same tone as before, "and she said yes and started licking me, and if I have seen Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, which I have, that is not a sign she is crazy!"
"So when you listed her symptoms, the whole choking thing is just a fluke, huh?"
"So, may I borrow the El Camino? I would be so careful with it and Caroline says it is her favorite car."
"What? No! That's my car, Fez, and I think she's a nut-job. Every time I get into it, it would be like Sybil had had sex in my car."
"I am pretty sure she is still herself when she chokes herself."
"Forget it. Borrow the Vista Cruiser."
"But it is not sexy."
"Hi," Caroline said, walking up to the counter and lacing her arms through Fez's which were on his hips. "I missed you, baby. Are you going to be done talking soon?"
"You know, Caroline," Hyde said while paying for his pop. "I heard you liked my El Camino."
"It's a great car, Hyde."
"Yeah, I agree. Are you thinking about getting a car?" He looked at Fez even though the question was directed to her.
"Someday soon, once I get enough money. If I could land an El Camino just like that, it would be so perfect!"
"Uh huh. Well, just throwing out a hypothetical here, and you don't have to engage in it if you don't want to, but let's say you get that car, waxed, great condition, and I just come along and ram into it, again and again and again."
"You just rammed my car?" Caroline blinked at him, her jaw set. Fez backed away from her.
"Not on purpose, but let's say I'm just an incompetent driver. You come out and are shocked. That's your baby, ruined! And I'm running up to you, feeling really terrible and offering to pay for the damage. Will you humor me and tell me what your reaction would be?"
"You son of a bitch!" she shrieked, hurling her Styrofoam cup at him. "Sorry. I thought there would be some pop left in it. Fez, I'm so lucky you aren't as insensitive as your friends." She jerked her body towards Hyde, acting like it would intimidate him. "There's no one like you in the world. I'll see you tonight." She stomped out of the Hub.
"Oh my," he sniffled. "But, a chance to do it trumps severe anger issues, right?"
"What are you guys talking about?"
Fez flew into Hyde's arms, breathing a sigh of relief that it was Jackie and not Caroline returning for more craziness.
"Oh, it's just you, Yackie. I thought it was Caroline. Both your voices are so high-pitched, not to mention your nosiness."
"I just saw her leave."
"Yeah, get this," Hyde said. "She chokes herself."
"What? Fez, that's dangerous. You should get rid of her."
"Listen to your friends, man!" Hyde punched his arm. "We're all telling you the same thing. Dump her ass and find somebody who doesn't choke herself. The world's full of 'em! In fact, there are more chicks who don't choke themselves than those that do. I'd bet money on it."
"Is Michael around?"
"No. He is…administering to the homeless," Fez lied, biting his lip. Snapping his eyes shut, he waited for another punch to the arm, but one never came. When he opened his eyes, he saw Jackie near the exit, waving her little hand at him.
"Okay, whatever. Tell him I'm looking for him if he comes by. He's probably chasing a dog around a fire hydrant or something."
"Oh, I am so torn! To do it or not to do it. It is something out of Shakespeare. You can't think of any reason to do it, Hyde?"
"What?"
"You can't think of any reason for me to do it with Caroline?"
"Oh." Hyde shook his head, finally looking away from the exit. "No. Get rid of her. No good'll come from that chick, Fez. It's just going to be a giant headache." He nodded, gaining confidence with each bob of his head. "Yeah. Take her out one more time, public place, and tell her it's not working out. She may not kill herself and you can be a free man again. It's not that hard to get over a girl, man. Just takes a lot of willpower…a lot of willpower. Hey, I'm heading home. Want a ride?"
After his host parents warned him one more time about the Grateful Dead and their breed, Fez threw some Billy Joel onto the record player, applying one more spray of cologne just at the point where his shoulder met his neck, and waited on the couch. Arms resting on the head on either side of him, his chest swelled. They were all wrong. They just didn't know Caroline the way he did. Who were all of his friends to judge, anyway? Their love lives amounted to a three-car pile-up on the highway while his was now a smooth, winding country ride.
Jumping from the knocking at the door, he answered it to find Caroline gussied up in the tightest plaid skirt he had ever seen. Knee-high boots covered the rest of her slender legs.
"I hope you feel like staying in tonight, my sweet."
"That sounds good to me." She ran her hand up his chest before taking a seat, crossing her legs. She scrunched her skirt up to reveal her knees. "And you're playing Billy Joel? Oh, Fez, this is going to be the best night ever!"
Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
Throwing himself down onto the couch, he hovered over Caroline, tilting her face up and smashing his lips onto hers. Her legs wrapping around his waist, he broke their kiss just long enough to droop his lips down to the side of her neck. Such heavenly moans, he thought, fumbling with her sweater. At last he found the end of it and lodged his hand inside it, trailing her ribs until he reached the skin right under her breast.
"Take me, Fez," she groaned. She bucked at the touch, sending the heels of her boots into his back, the heels kneading into him.
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
"Are you sure?" Contorting his body to dodge her legs while he sat up, his hands flew to his zipper.
"Now, Fez! Now, or I swear to God I'll shred this couch!"
Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
It was enough to kill the mood, among other things, he thought, zipping his pants back up. What if they did it and he wasn't good? Here in the house, the kitchen was no more than a few feet away and boasted dozens of knives, scissors, heavy fire extinguishers with which to bludgeon him. Or what if he was doing great and the phone rang and he mistakenly said the caller's name? He could see it so vividly, doing it with her on his host parents' bed until he would back away in horror at Caroline's head turn a full three hundred and sixty degrees before spitting something like pea soup at him. The power of Christ compels you, he would chant, scurrying to the door, but all for not.
"Fez? What's wrong?"
"Oh. Um…" He glanced down to see his hands still on his zipper. "I got a little anxious."
"Aw, Pokey, that's okay!" She hugged him, pecking his neck. "It doesn't have to be tonight. Just knowing I can do that kind of thing to you is enough for now."
Shuddering, Fez breathed a sigh of relief, his arm around her when she snuggled into him. What the hell was he going to do with this nut-job?