Adam didn't pitch a fit like she expected. He simply said, "Let's go home and talk about it."
"Ok," she agreed so quickly that he grinned and said, "Don't hurt something."
"Smarty pants."
"I gotta get my stuff," Adam told her. "Wanna grab a bite to eat on the way?"
"Nuh uh. I've still got the chili we didn't eat last night. Unless you want something different?"
"Sounds perfect."
As it sometimes went, Adam and Emi hardly spoke on the way back to their building. It's not that they were angry with each other or anything negative at all. Anyone else would have thought they were upset simply because most people couldn't conceive of them ever not talking but the truth of the matter is that they ground each other and their habit of nervous chatter simply isn't necessary because they didn't normally need that emotional outlet when it was just the two of them.
What did bother Emi was that the subway was crowded with people heading home or out to party on a Friday night. If you've never been short you don't realize how uncomfortable it is to be in a crowd of people that are all taller than you are. It is like being surrounded by a dense forest of trees you can neither see around or over. It is almost claustrophobic. Adam is average height at 5'9". Mac is the same height as he … which made him shorter than Danny's 5'10" and Don's 6'2" … but Mac always seemed like the tallest of them all; or at least he was in Adam's mind.
There were no empty seats so the two of them stood swaying in time to the track they passed over. Emi finally took refuge from the constant pushing and shoving by standing as close to Adam as she dared. She looked up to apologize but he pulled her closer and she finally let herself lean against him to keep her balance. He bent down just enough to whisper in her ear, "Better?"
All she could do was swallow and nod her head. Adam pulled her a little tighter still and then held her there with one arm while he held onto a support pole with his other one. Emi refused to think about it … she simply enjoyed it while she had it. When it was their stop to get off Adam protected her from the rush of people and helped her to stay upright as they headed up and then out onto the busy street.
Their building was still a fair walk but they accomplished it while holding hands. As they came in sight of their stoop Emi slowed. "Adam? What's happening?"
"Let's talk about it inside. Okay?"
She nodded willing to trust him a bit more.
When they reached their floor he asked, "Yours or mine?"
"The food is at mine but if you'd rather …"
Adam looked at her door and then his and said, "Yours. I … I still haven't …"
Emi realized that his place would still be a bit of a mess from the previous night's misadventure. "Oh. Why don't I …"
"No. It's my responsibility Emi. Besides I need you to know I was serious about what I said to you. Especially now."
"Especially ... ?"
Adam nodded and then turned her and gently pushed her in the direction of her door and said he'd be right back, he wanted to change out of his work clothes and drop his stuff off.
Emi watched as Adam squared his shoulders and headed to his own door. He put the key in the lock and went inside shutting the door behind him. That broke the spell and Emi's only thought was, "Oh crap. You will be a good girl Emi. You will be a good girl Emi. You will be a good girl. It might feel like it is killing you but you will be good."
It was about twenty minutes later that there was a knock on the door and through the peephole Emi saw Adam and when she opened the door found he had two cold beers in his hand. "You mind? Your chili just always makes me need two." he asked.
"Have I ever minded before?"
"No but still ..."
Emi grinned and shook her head. Ever since Adam found out she had zero tolerance for alcohol in her system he'd stopped offering it to her. Emi was completely useless after just half a beer and a total menace to everyone and everything around her after anything stronger. It had something to do with her metabolism. She snickered and said, "Just don't except me to take any sips. Remember what happened that time you tried to teach me to dance. You limped for three days."
Adam grinned not denying it. "Next time we'll try it without a glass of wine to loosen you up."
"There'll be a next time?"
Adam grinned bashfully and said, "I'd … I'd like there to be."
The only answer he got was Emi's blush which made Adam's grin more self-assured with a tinge of male satisfaction to it.
Chili was soon heated and served. Adam had cornbread on the side and Emi had hers in the bowl with the chili poured on top. Adam had cheese, emi added a dollop of sour cream and they both had onions. Then Adam had a second bowl finishing off the pot so there wouldn't be any leftovers to worry about.
Emi was running out of patience causing her to get jittery. Adam sensed she was struggling to not bring it up, waiting on him to lead the conversation so that's what he did.
"The notice from the Supe was taped to the inside of my door."
"Mine too," Emi said.
"You said you had a plan."
"Uh … well …" Now that it was time to have their talk Emi was terribly nervous and the color kept coming and going in her face. "Look Adam I don't want to mess anything up and …" She stopped herself because she could feel the real need to rattle and say nothing taking over. She was scared and was trying to hide it.
Adam stood up from the table and walked them over to the sofa. "You ok sitting here?"
Emi held her breath and then nodded though it wasn't a real confident nod. Adam was careful to not crowd her. When nervous Emi could be unpredictable and he didn't want to spoil this chance.
"You still thinking about selling your grandmother's house?"
She slowly answered, "I … I'm not sure anymore. The house is all paid for … Gran always refused to take a 2nd mortgage out on it even though she could have used the money. The neighborhood isn't what it used to be but it isn't bad. Some of the families that were there when my grandmother was alive still live there. And housing everywhere will eat up whatever profit I make. It kinda makes more sense to … uh …"
"To what?"
Emi tensed up before whispering, "To live there myself. No way will I find another apartment so close to … uhhh …"
"To work?"
"No."
"Then what?"
Emi looked away and didn't answer. Adam said, "Ok, how's this? I don't want to be separated from you either. I need you Emi. Whatever it is you do to help me keep my head straight, I need it … more than that I want it. Are you ok with that?"
"Of course I am," she answered quickly and belligerently. "I already told you I need you to need me, that it just does it for me."
Hiding his own nervousness in a way he rarely was able to with other people he told her, "Good. Because if your idea is … and I'm going out on a limb here Emi so don't get mad if I'm wrong … because if your idea is for me to live with you in your grandmother's house my answer is yes."
Emi jerked around and yelped, "You will?!"
Adam grinned and said, "Yes." Then he became serious and cautious. "But I've got a couple of conditions."
"Con … conditions?"
"Yeah. I've already admitted I'm a mess. I admit that I might even be a bigger mess than I know. Last night proves that. Which also proves I'm … I'm not ready for anything more than to keep trying to keep my head on straight long enough that it becomes a habit and then the real deal. It doesn't matter what I want, what matters is how things really are."
"O … okay," Emi responded trying to maintain her equanimity.
"Condition number one is … we have separate bedrooms." Emi's eyes were huge and Adam had a hard time not falling into them. He caught himself in time and explained, "When … if … we take it there we both need to know it is the real deal and not just because we're afraid of being alone. Do you understand? It would be real easy for me to seduce you right now and I'm pretty sure you would let me. But we have to wake up the next day and live the rest of our lives with the changes that would bring. Let's make sure if it happens that we're ready for it."
"Now you listen here Adam Ross, I'm not some easy girl that will just fall all over you and …"
Adam's grin was very male. "Emi, I haven't forgotten the feel of you in my arms or what we did to each other. Sometimes I felt so damn guilty after Michelle came back but other times it was one of the few things that made me feel like I could keep going when things got so hard. I'm sorry I treated you like …"
"Hush that noise. We were and are both adults."
"Yes we are … which brings me to my next condition. I pay my way."
"Huh?"
"Emi, you know what I mean."
"I will not take rent from you! Don't you even … even … grrr … you great big … grrr …"
Adam grinned. "Okay, then you're going to have to let me figure out another way to work it out. A man needs to have some pride Emi. People are going to talk enough about me being a kept man. Plus you have credentials I'll never be able to touch."
"If I hear even one person open their know-nothing trap I'll keep them … down in a dark and nasty dungeon someplace. I'll … I'll …"
This time Adam actually laughed. "I won't let it bother me so long as I know it isn't true. If it is true then it will bother me."
"You make my head hurt with that crazy talk. If I don't have to pay rent then you don't have to."
"Then like I said, we'll work something else out. The what and the how aren't so important right, only that it is what happens. Can you agree to that?"
"Oh all right, be that way. Lord knows my mother used to go on and on about the pitfalls women had to avoid when it came to male pride. I never understood, Da always seemed so reasonable. Maybe Ma just knew how to handle him or something."
Adam didn't care how she rationalized it, only that she agreed to his conditions.
"So what else?"
His smile faltered. "We … we go slow and careful. I … I don't want to lose you Emi. Not short term." He swallowed then added, "Not long term."
"I don't want to lose you either. I already told you I'll accept whatever you can give."
Adam reached out and briefly touched one of her curls. "You shouldn't have to settle Emi. I don't want you to settle. But I need to see … need to see …"
"If you can trust me?"
"No! If you can trust me!" Adam shook his head. "I'm messed up right now Emi and I'm … I'm learning things about myself. Some things are turning out to be okay. And some … they scare the hell out of me." He closed his eyes and added, "And I have my father to think of. He doesn't have anyone else. He lives in the past when he isn't just plain confused about everything. And he's starting to have trouble getting around. He fell twice last month and now they're confining him to a wheelchair most of the time. That day he ran off and I found him at the precinct was probably the last time he'll ever be able to do something like that. It's also the last time he's even come close to recognizing me. I'm … I've come to accept I don't … don't love him like a son should love his father … but if I'm going to have any self-respect I can't just walk away from him either … not when he's in this condition. He's frail … fragile … mentally and now physically. He keeps looking for my mom like he's worried something has happened to her. If only he'd been like that with her when she was alive. Even if it had just been once. She probably could have lived her whole life on the happiness that one time would have brought her. If for no other reason I have to do this for my mom … in her memory. I gotta prove to myself … things I need to prove."
Emi relaxed. Yeah all of this was coming fast and was a big deal but she knew the man sitting beside her. She'd seen him struggle and overcome some very difficult things over the last three years, many of them stemming at least in part from his childhood experiences. He'd seen the same in her and the fact that most of it stemmed from her own shattered childhood and her personal issues. And he did have a previous responsibility to the man that had fathered him. If that's what it took for him to prove to himself he was a different man than his sire then so be it.