Chapter 18: A Different Perspective.
Lapis sat there in a stunned silence. Peridot had just spilled her guts out to her. She had just revealed her entire childhood to the taller teen. Lapis looked towards her dorm mate seeing the eyes that had provided comfort for Lapis so many times before were now hazy. The emerald green and yellow swirls were now filled with tears that beckoned to fall. She didn't understand how but that was sadder than the story that was laid before her. All she wanted to do was take the pain away from Peridot but she didn't know how. This is where Lapis' feelings shut down. She didn't know how to deal with someone like this. The thick feeling of sadness and guilt stung the air. The weight on the two teens must have been unbearable. As much as Lapis wanted to do something she just sat there in a silence. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like an eternity. She just didn't know what to do. Finally words found there way to Lapis tongue.
"Im….." Lapis heard her voice hitch. "I am so sorry Peridot." Lapis rarely used Peri's full name. She usually always called her Peri or smol bean or something along the lines like that. This random feeling was entirely new to Lapis. It was something random and uninvited into Lapis life. Lapis hated "it" whatever it was. Was it the feeling or the lack of knowledge she hated.
Peridot finally spoke taking Lapis out of her thoughts. " So what do we do now Lapis?" Lapis noticed that Peridot had her head hanging towards the ground. Lapis saw a tear drop from the smaller girls eyes and hit the floor beneath them. Lapis again struggled finding the right words to say.
"Wha…." Lapis voice hitched again. Her breath caught just as bad making Lapis give out a small gasp sound. Lapis took a deep breath and continued. "What do you mean Peri." Lapis questioned slowly not wanting to know the real answer. Lapis forced out a smile though she didn't really understand how she did. She didn't feel happy in this moment. No Lapis felt scared. The feeling she had felt many times before. She was always scared of her mother, of Aqua, of her past. But this new type of scared Lapis had never felt before. It wasn't a fear for Lapis. She was scared for Peridot. Why was Peri talking like she was. Was Lapis going to lose her Peri.
"What are we Lapis." Those words broke Lapis. She didn't know it but those words were her worst case scenario. She knew Peridot wouldn't have just left her. Peridot is more cold and calculated than that. She likes to talk everything out. But those words meant Peri didn't know either. And how can you express how much someone means to you in just a couple of words. Especially if you are someone like Lapis who just hides their feelings trying her best to not allow someone see that weak side of her. Hell Peridot didn't even know all of Lapis's feelings. But Peridot had definitely seen a part of Lapis that Lapis didn't even she had. Something about this smaller teen with emerald green and yellow eyes. The way she wore sweatshirts everyday because she just didn't care. The way she carried herself. The way she was sarcastic yet genuine all at the same time. Everything about her was foreign to Lapis. But it made Lapis unlock a different emotion. Was it love? Or was it just some silly old feeling that Lapis would ignore eventually. "Friends, close Friends, Girlfriends what is it. I don't know what to do between us anymore. Everything seemed to move way to fast." Lapis recoiled at the statement. Yes the two had been going fast. I mean the CPH binges, Pizza "dates", the Barn Night it was all out of the ordinary to Lapis. But maybe that was what true love was. Doing something with someone instead of focusing on other things. When Lapis dated Aqua she was always worried about keeping up her fit figure and maintain her wardrobe. It almost felt like a chore to date Aqua. But with Peridot there was casualness about it all. The cuddling up like it was nothing new to the both of them.
"I don't know Peri. I thought we were ok but I agree we did move a little too fast didn't we. Do you just want to go back to the begging? Back to when you caught my eye on that beach. Do you want us to forget what we did all year?" Lapis really didn't want to go back. She loved everything that the two girls had done just a year prior. But yeah Lapis did have a sense of regret. She had the small glimmer of hope that she could use the feelings the two had for each other. Lapis saw the smaller teen shaking her head. "Then wha…." Lapis took a deep breath and steadied herself "Then what do you want?" Lapis questioned almost letting it scream out. She wasn't speaking to Peri in that moment and Lapis knew that. Lapis was questioning herself. She was asking herself what she wanted. And truth be told Lapis didn't quite know what she wanted.
"I don't know either Lapis that's the problem. I loved everything we did this past year but I just think are relationship isn't where we should be at. I feel like we should still be friends and maybe try dating again later." Lapis took that to heart. Why did these feelings come out for Peri now. Lapis just sat there again. Lapis saw the smaller teen crawl onto the couch arm and hug her knees to her chest. Lapis pulled the teen off of the arm of the couch and hugged her in her arms. The two sobbed letting out any pent up emotion that still lingered. Lapis felt the collar of her shirt starting to get soaked. She didn't care however. She didn't care about anything at that moment. I mean Lapis was usually closed off but right now she was something new. Lapis felt Period shift in her lap ever so slightly. The smaller girl was now more curled up into the taller teens lap. Lapis' worries felt to wash away as she felt girl in her lap lean up against her. Sure Lapis wanted Peridot more than anything in this world but she also wanted Peri to be okay. She didn't want Peridot to go through anything dramatic. She wanted the girl to be perfect. And though deep down Lapis knew that she could never have a perfect life and that Peri's life could never be perfect but she hoped to make it as close to perfect for the smaller teen as much as she could.
Lapis seemed to feel every single emotion she could at that moment. Some were entirely new to Lapis and some were feelings she had felt a multitude of times beforehand. Happy, Sad, Scared, Nervous, ect…. You name it Lapis felt it in that moment. But she could still not help herself from trying to connect with Peri.
"I will love you no matter what my smol nerdy perfect bean." Lapis said in a cool voice. The same thing worded so differently felt so random to the taller teen. Those words were only muttered to her twice in her life. Her mother and Peridot were behind trying to promise Lapis something. Yet that night when Peridot said it….something felt different about that night. It was different for Lapis because she swore that Peridot meant it. It wasn't the same feelings that she got when her mother muttered those words to her. Lapis swore it felt like Peridot meant every second of it. Lapis swore to herself that she meant it to. But how could Lapis know if she meant it or not. Lapis didn't have normal human emotions. She had very secluded emotions that no one in her life knew about. Hell she was convinced that she didn't know about all of them.
Lapis felt her eyes stinging more and more with every second. Lapis wished she could blame it on the smaller teens hair but that would be a total lie. Lapis felt a small tear fall down her cheek and drip off. Lapis didn't know it but her tears were hitting Peridots neck but for some reason she didn't care.
Seconds felt like hours and minutes felt like an eternity but they still sat there. They still said nothing. The moment meant so much and yet so little happened. It wasn't until Peridot forced herself to move off of the taller girls lap when Lapis was shot back into reality. Lapis looked at the smaller teen frozen. Peri was walking into the kitchen when Lapis decided to make a dart for her room. Lapis didn't know if it was because of all the crying but it was definitely something. Lapis entered her dark room and didn't bother throwing her pj's on. She jumped on the bed head first careless if she were to break her neck. Lapis just grabbed her phone and played a random song.
Night falls, with gravity
The earth turns, from sanity
Taking my only friend I know,
He lives a lie, his name is Hope
Lapis knew this song all to well. Semi Automatic by Twenty One Piolts. Lapis had heard this song play before and had listened to it regularly but for some reason she payed closer attention to the lyrics now.
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it.
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside
Lapis thought of how she had two sides to her. The side she was around Peridot and other people. Semi Open and inviting but then you had her actually feelings. How she was cut off emotionally and how she didn't want to deal with anyone or anything.
The horrors of the night melt away
Under the warm glow of survival of the day
Then we move on, my shadow grow taller along with my fears
And my friends shrink smaller as night grows near
Lapis was never one to have many fears. She feared her mother and nothing else. But recently she had been fearing for and about Peridot. She had been fearing losing the small nerd. She hated the night because it always left her to her own thoughts.
When the sun is coming, window soothes
And the silver lining rides the hills
I will be saved for one whole day
Until the sun make the hills it's grave
Lapis was prone to not getting enough sleep. Ever since the nightmares she had earlier on in the year she was afraid to go back to sleep. When she was younger she saw sleep as a sign of weakness. She found sleep as a cheap way out of her agony.
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kinda like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind
These lines made Lapis think of her mother Blue Diamond. Lapis thought of how Blue was hapoy whenever she made Lapis suffer. She took sick pleasure in hurting and using the people around her. The chourus of the song kicked in as Lapid was thinking.
I'm semi automatic
My prayers schizophrenic
But I'll live on, yeah I'll live on, yeah I'll live on yeah yeah
I'm semi automatic
My prayers schizophrenic
But I'll live on, yeah I'll live on, yeah I'll live on yeah yeah
I'm semi automatic
My prayers schizophrenic
But I'll live on, yeah I'll live on, yeah I'll live on
I'm semi automatic
My prayers schizophrenic
But I'll live on, yeah I'll live on, yeah I'll live on
Lapis thought of how unpredictable she was at times. dhe thought of how she could never have the same emotions towards the same thing twice. Expect Peridot. Peridot always seem to get the same emotion out of her. Happiness was following Lapis whenever she was with Peridot.
By the time the night wears off, the dust is down
And shadows burn
I will rise and stand my ground,
Waiting for the night's return
Lapis had so many feelings recently maybe it was a little to much. Maybe even for someone as strong as Lapis. Maybe for now Lapis should calm down and get back to her old self. But was that healthy?
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind
The music started to fade out and left Lapis to her thoughts. Then the next song kicked on. Oh Mrs. Believer by Twenty One Piolts. As Lapis drifted to sleep she thought of only one thing. Peridot what was that smol, cute, adorable nerd doing.