Thump…Thump…Thump…
"Bellamy!" Merit shouted as she jolted upright in bed. She flinched in pain and clutched her side. She could scarcely hear the sound of her own voice over the pounding of her heart in her ears. "Where is he? I need to see him."
The room spun into a blur of streaky, ashen colors as she tried to process her surroundings.
Abby rushed over to Merit, calming her with a soft shushing as she gently pushed her back down in bed. "It's okay. Merit, you're okay. Just slow down," Abby said. "Do you know where you are?"
Merit's eyes darted back and forth across the room and as they began to focus, she realized that she was in the medical bay. She saw Abby and recognized the comforting eyes that stared back at her. Regaining her sense of familiarity, her breathing calmed and she settled back into bed.
"What happened?" Merit asked, pressing her fingers to her temple. She felt a bandage snugly wrapped around her head.
"You were injured when the missile hit TonDC," Abby replied.
Merit could hardly remember anything that had happened before the blast. She could just recall the dream. She could see Bellamy's smile and feel the warm glow of his joy. She could remember how great it felt to be surrounded by family and a real feeling of love. Then, like a car crash, came the excruciating pain, fear of death, and the certainty that her life would only amount to a pile of mistakes without a chance to live out the future she dreamed of. And finally, there was Marcus, the man that she so greatly loathed, begging her to stay alive.
Merit felt sick to her stomach. Abby, who seemed to notice her paling complexion and her nauseous swaying, ran over with a bucket as Merit lurched forward and vomited. Abby patted Merit on the back until she was finished and then handed her a clean cloth. Merit wiped her mouth and fell back on the bed in a winded heap.
"You need to stay hydrated," Abby said, offering Merit a cup of water.
Merit pushed the cup away and clenched her eyes shut for a moment. She felt worse than a pile of hammered crap but her condition was the least of her worries. She had concern for only one person. "Where's Bellamy?" she rasped.
"He's still in Mount Weather. He was able to turn off the acid fog but we lost contact with him soon after."
"Lost contact? Is he okay? Did he get caught?"
Abby placed a hand on the flustered young lady's shoulder. "Merit, I'm sure he's just fine. It was probably just a signal issue. With the strike team moving into position, we'll find out soon enough. "
"I should be there." Merit sat up again, this time slowly and being cautious of her new wound. She swung her feet towards the floor.
"Slow down," Abby ordered, urging Merit back into bed. "There's still time before we march on Mount Weather."
"Then I better get ready."
"Are you crazy?" Abby's face tensed and her eyes grew large. She was clearly outraged with Merit's impatience. "You need time to rest. Luckily, that piece of shrapnel didn't piece any major organs, but you lost so much blood that you could've died."
"But I didn't. I'm still here, Abby-"
"And you have Marcus to thank for that," Abby interrupted.
"What?"
Abby sighed and wrung her hands together as she turned away from Merit. "I had to do a transfusion and your body was rejecting it," she started. "His blood was the only one that your body would accept."
Abby revealed that despite suffering from a leg injury of his own, Marcus put off his treatment to give blood to secure the life of his daughter, first.
"He didn't want me to tell you but if it wasn't for Marcus, you would be dead, right now," Abby admitted. She turned back to Merit with a look of grief. Her small mouth was turned down and there was pain – or perhaps an aching understanding – in her eyes as she went on, "I'm not telling you this because I think you owe him anything. Frankly, he owes this to you. And not because of what he has done in the past but because you are his daughter. Marcus did what any parent who loves their child would do."
Merit's usual response would've been anger. She would've found a way to still blame Marcus for her misfortune but she couldn't. Here she was, plotting Marcus's demise when he would've voluntarily given his life for hers. He had given her a second chance. And instead of anger, she was stricken with shame.
"How is he?" Merit asked sheepishly.
"He's fine."
"I need to see him." Merit placed her feet firmly on the floor and clutched her side, preparing her body to stand. She wobbled for a moment and steadied her weak legs by holding onto the bed until she could regain her balance.
"Merit, you need to rest-"
"Abby, I promise I'll take it easy. I just—I should thank him."
Abby nodded, a tiny but very satisfied grin flashing across her face for a split second. "In that case, could you do me a favor?"
Merit ambled down the hall holding a small tray of food. Abby had made her promise to make sure that both she and Marcus had something in their stomachs. Abby's advice was that sharing a meal might make sharing a conversation and healing wounds easier. Merit hoped that was true.
Merit reached the door of Marcus's office and hesitated to knock. Something made her nervous. Maybe it was the fact that she wanted to forgive him and she thought it made her weak.
Merit held up her tightly clenched fist only to knock gingerly. It hardly made a noise. She wanted to turn tail and run but the door actually creaked open.
Marcus peered from the other side of the door in utter shock. Merit could see his eyes become glossy with tears as they scanned her face. A tentative smile formed on his lips. He didn't speak; he only stared.
Merit looked down at the tray in her hands. "Abby – she wanted me to bring you some food."
"Oh right," Marcus said, snapping out of his daze. "Please, come in."
Merit entered the small office and placed the food and water down on the shabby desk. She pulled up a chair and took a seat. From the tray, she took a small container of lumpy mashed potatoes, a cup of some type of broth that looked more like cloudy water, and a handful of mixed berries.
"Shouldn't you be at home resting?" Merit asked. She didn't look at Marcus as she spoke. She just took her spoon and dug into the potatoes.
"It's the calm before the storm, so to speak," Marcus replied. "There's just too much work to do before we march on Mount Weather."
"Well, Abby told me to make sure that you rest your leg and eat something in the meantime."
Marcus had wandered over to the window at the back of the room. His back was turned to Merit as he spoke, "I'm fine. I'm sure there's someone else who could use the food more than me."
The air in the room was cool and the blatant awkwardness that pervaded it drove Merit crazy.
She set down her spoon and looked up at her father. Very bluntly, she said, "Marcus, sit down and eat."
Marcus turned away from the window and nodded at his daughter with a short chuckle. "You sound like your m-" He stopped himself abruptly and shook his head. He let out a long breath as he sat down across from Merit, where she pushed the remainder of the food and water towards him. "I-I'm glad to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay." Merit swallowed a thick gulp of potatoes and it went down uncomfortably. She was anxiously eating because she was scared of what was about to happen.
Marcus pointed to the cup of warm broth. "Bone broth. It's – uh – very healthy and it'll help you heal faster. We can thank Lincoln for this recipe."
Small talk. Merit was nodding along but she wasn't really listening. She was too busy figuring out what to say and how to say it or if she was going to say anything at all. She finally decided that forcing it out was the best way to go.
"Abby told me what you did for me," Merit said hurriedly. She noticed Marcus stop eating and slowly place his fork down. The pair seemed to take a deep breath in unison and hold it until Merit said, "I wanted to thank you…So, thank you."
"You don't have to thank me. It was what I had to do."
Merit shrugged her shoulders and her eyes uneasily shifted from her father to the table top. "You didn't have to do anything."
"I did," Marcus said quickly, a clear sense of resolve ringing in his declaration. He fumbled anxiously with his hands for a moment – folding and unfolding them – before finally deciding to weave his fingers together into a tense and tangled web. "I didn't want Abby to tell you because I didn't want you to think that you owe me anything. You will never ever owe me anything, Merit. Not in this life or the next, but as your father…I owe you my life."
Merit was looking at Marcus with sadness as he gazed at her with sincere guilt.
"When I promised your mother that I would look after you, it wasn't simply because I loved her but because I finally understood my role as your parent. Merit, I took everything away from you. I did it. And I should've been more responsible," Marcus said. "It's my job to know when to guide you and when to leave you the hell alone." He threw his hands in the air and let them hit the table with a frustrated smack. "It's my job to take pride in all of your successes but to also hold the blame for all of your failures. It's my job…and I failed you."
Merit didn't realize that she was the mirror of her father until she saw her reddening eyes reflected in his. And as she watched a few renegade tears staining his cheeks, she believed that his words were genuine.
"I never expected you to show up and be the world's greatest dad. I never expected you to be my dad but you are…And I don't want to spend the rest of my life being angry with you," Merit confessed.
Merit's anger with Marcus had seeped beyond its borders and into other areas of her life. It spoiled her relationships, her sense of self, and her peace of mind. If she continued to harbor this grudge, she knew it had the potential to completely destroy her.
Merit knew that her anger would never serve to bring James back. It wouldn't change the past or right the wrongs that Marcus had committed. Anger would only make her bitter and miserable. And James never wanted that for her.
Marcus could never take back what he had done but it was evident that he loved her and wanted to do right by her from this moment forward.
The truth was that Merit just wanted her father back, and here was one sitting right in front of her.
"Merit, I want to reconcile with you more than anything," Marcus said. His hand inched toward hers but he never touched it. "But I understand that it has to be on your terms and not mine. And when you're ready to do that, I'll be here and I'm not going anywhere."
Merit slowly nodded in agreement.
"In good faith, I want to give you something. That is if I have permission to stand?" Marcus asked, clearly trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah, just watch your step."
Marcus limped across the room and over to a stack of filing drawers. He knelt down and pulled one of the drawers open, dragging out that familiar portable safe – the same one that held the secrets of Merit's past. He seemed to lose his balance as he lifted it and placed it on the desk.
Merit rushed over to Marcus's side and placed his arm over her shoulders. "That's enough standing for one day," she said, helping him take a seat behind his desk.
"Thank you," Marcus said. He slid the safe across the desk until it was in front of him.
Merit turned her attention to a bookshelf adjacent to Marcus's desk. And she saw him glance apprehensively at her, probably making sure that she wasn't looking as he keyed in the passcode. She was.
Marcus popped the safe lid open and sifted through the contents. Merit carefully glanced over his shoulder as he did this. Marcus took out a case folder and neatly printed on the top tab was the title FS-240. Merit's eyes narrowed as she locked on to it. That was the file that Parker had mentioned. Just as Merit had noted the file's existence, Marcus had quickly stuffed it back into the case and locked it tight.
The answers to Sienna Vega's death could've been in that folder but Merit wasn't sure if she wanted to go through with Parker's plan anymore.
"Here," Marcus said, handing a dark piece of embroidered material to Merit. "It was James—it was your father's."
Merit looked the stiff piece of cloth over. "His guard patch?"
"You should have it."
Merit delicately traced her fingers over the faded badge. Stitched around the border was the last name Murdock – the last name that Marcus had allowed to be written on the birth certificate and the surname that Merit would choose to keep.
Suddenly, every wonderful memory of her dad came rushing back. She remembered the way his guard jacket smelled like fresh linen whenever she would hug him. She remembered the rich, velvety sound of his laughter as he would watch her slip on the oversized jacket and pretend to be him. She remembered jokes and smiles, frowns and lectures – memories good and bad equally – and she missed it all.
Tears poured from her eyes before she even had time to try and stop them.
Merit hadn't noticed Marcus standing beside her or that he had placed a hand on her shoulder. Slowly, she sank into his shoulder and let her tears spill like an endless waterfall.
"Losing my mother, being on the ground, and finally the bomb dropping on TonDC – It's all changed me," Marcus said softly. He paused for a while before saying, "Merit, I know that Clarke knew about the missile…Did you?"
Merit froze in her place and her tears slowed to a halt. "I-I didn't know what to do. I should've—I thought Clarke would've-" She was breathlessly rambling. Her tongue tied behind a veil of tears and uncertain emotions.
"It's okay. I'm not upset. I believe I was right where I was supposed to be," Marcus said, gently patting Merit on the back. "And I also believe in second chances. I've been given more than I deserve and I'm begging you, please, don't squander yours."
In a way, Merit was almost glad that she hadn't told Marcus about the bomb because had they both not been present for the disaster, this moment would not have been possible. It was a rude awakening but one that was valued and very necessary to bring about positive change within their tarnished worlds.
"Merit, I never want you to be like me. I made a lot of mistakes to get to where I am, now and I'm still paying for them. Do not make the same mistakes."
Sometimes it was hard to believe that Marcus was the same man who executed her father. And sometimes it was even harder for Merit to convince herself that Marcus was still that ruthless, power hungry murderer.
Through her tears, the only words Merit could muster were, "Thank you, Marcus."
She was oddly grateful to Marcus for sharing this piece of history with her. While their relationship was strange and muddled with much room for repair, this moment wasn't about them. It was about James and his dying wish and finally seeking the closure that he wanted so much for her.
Merit left Marcus's office with her fingers still glued to that patch and memories of her late father floating around in her head. On one hand, she was just thankful to have a relic of James left intact, but on the other hand, she felt broken and her heart ached for the time when he was still alive and present.
"Dad! Dad!" Merit could still hear the sound of her panicked screams echo in her mind.
It was the darkest day of her life and the gloomy colors of the space station with the blackness of outer space only exaggerated that fact.
She remembered struggling behind a wall of guards as they walked her father toward the dreaded airlock – the airlock that was supposed to be responsible for the death of criminals but had taken more parents, lovers, and heroes than anything.
Her mother had grabbed her by the hand. The woman was shaking like a natural disaster, but few tears fell from her unblinking eyes.
Merit was the exact opposite of her mother's placid expression – her eyes and cheeks reddened by uncontrollable sobbing.
"Please, just let me hug my baby girl one last time," James had asked in a low but trembling tone.
Merit had never heard such fear in her father's voice except for in this moment when he spoke of her.
When James asked this question, he looked directly at Councilman Marcus Kane and not at the two guards that held him in cuffs. Marcus gave James a long sullen stare before granting him this final wish.
The guards released James from his cuffs and parted their human-chain-link-fence to let Merit through. She ran straight into her father's arms and squeezed him tightly. She buried her face into his neck, carefully trying to memorize exactly how he felt and how he smelled.
"Dad, don't let them take you," Merit begged.
"Listen to me, Merit-"
"You can fight back. You have to."
"Merit, I love you," James said. "Don't you ever forget that."
Merit hugged him tighter, knowing that as soon as her hands no longer grasped him, he would be gone for good. "Dad, please," she pleaded. "Don't give up on me. I need you. I need you."
James cleared his throat and Merit knew he was fighting back the tears.
"I need you to do something for me and you need to promise me, right now, because we don't have a lot of time left."
"No, no, no," Merit whimpered.
"I need you to be strong, baby girl and I need you to promise," James said sternly.
Merit squeezed her eyes shut and forced out the words, "I promise."
"First thing, when they take me into the airlock, you're not going to struggle. You're going to tell me you love me and then you're going to hug your mother. Then-"
"James, it's time," Marcus called out.
Merit locked her hands around her father's neck as she listened to his final words.
"Merit, I need you-" James's voice got caught in his throat. "I need you to find forgiveness, if only for yourself…"
Merit did tell her father that she loved him but immediately broke her promise about not struggling.
She screamed as the guards pried her body away from her father. She kicked, punched, and flailed against the hands that roughly tugged at her until they pinned her to the floor. With a knee in her back, she watched her father stand tall and firm in that airlock. Then, she watched Councilman Kane press the button that sent him straight to his death.
As soon as the airlock closed and Merit saw that her father was gone, the tears stopped and rage took over. Her skin heated up and her vision went red.
Merit's stone cold glare twisted over to Councilman Kane and in a low growl, she told him, "You're going to pay for this."
Merit shuddered as she remembered the taste of rage in her mouth, bitter and metallic like copper. It was a taste she wanted to forget and a feeling she never wanted to experience again.
It had taken her years but she was finally making progress on that promise she had made to James and she threatened to lose it all now if she sought vengeance on Marcus.
She had never understood what her father's last words meant until now. He wasn't urging her to forget the ways that she had been wronged or hide from the murky parts of her past but he was asking her to let them go. Her vengeance, her anger, her resentment, and any other weight that held her down had to be lifted in order for her to move forward with grace. And James only wanted her to seek the closest road to the freedom and lightness of forgiveness.
It was clear that this grudge, born of her parent's infidelity, wasn't hers to bear; it was Marcus's. And he was clearly still carrying that hefty load of guilt and regret without any help from her or anyone else.
Merit thought about Parker and how his situation was similar to hers. It was apparent that the young man had been lugging around the burdens created by his parents and had grown embittered under the weight. And Merit figured that if she was able to find some sense of absolution from an age-old grudge, didn't Parker deserve that chance too? He may have been an unsavory character but Merit still believed, as a child who loved his mother, Parker deserved closure.
However, there was a great chance that Marcus played a role in Sienna's death and if Parker finally confirmed that information, no power on Earth could stop him from taking his revenge. At the same rate, Merit wasn't sure that it was fair to withhold the whereabouts of the file, essentially choosing Parker's fate for him.
Merit had yet another huge decision to make. After the detrimental results of TonDC, she didn't want to make the wrong choice. She only knew that FS-240 held the key to Parker's past and his future. And the wrong decision could either unleash his demons or lay them to rest, but she had to choose: closure for Parker or Marcus's life.
A/N: If you were in Merit's position would you be able to move forward with Kane? Would you tell Parker about the location of the FS-240 and help him lay his mother to rest even if it could put Kane's life at risk? Do you believe that Kane has suffered enough for the things that he's done on the Ark? Let me know in a review! Also, let me know if there are other things you'd like to see from Bellamy's P.O.V. There are only two more relatively short parts before the big Mount Weather battle and reunion, so hang in there.
Since I've been on a roll and written a lot in the past few days, I've decided that I will go on and finish up to season 3...even if it takes me awhile. Hang on because it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Thanks again for those still reading and those who continually leave encouraging reviews. Sending you all love and light. Take care!