heart so helpless

Thank you, thank you, thank you. A million times: Thank you. Also, I stole a line from 'The Librarian' in this. Kudos to the Stana fans that can find it.

"Doctor Parish speaking."

Kate feels all of the air rush out of her lungs without a second to gather her thoughts or prepare herself. If she were standing, she'd double over in pain, but due to basically lying on the ground she simply chokes on a whimper and presses a hand against her heart. Feels it roar beneath her fingers. Alive. Alive and afraid of what her friend will have to say after not speaking in five years. Despite the fright, she finds herself grinning just slightly. She hasn't felt alive in so long. She's already getting better.

(Enough for Castle?)

"Hello?"

Lanie's voice startles Kate from her thoughts and makes her jump, holding back a groan when her body aches in protest. Holds a hand against her bleeding leg as Castle wraps his jacket tight around the wound- when had he started doing that?- and grits her teeth.

What's she supposed to say? This is her best friend. The best friend who, the last time Kate had seen her, had stitched the gaping wound Kate had on her lower back after another panic attack from the PTSD, a little too much alcohol and some shattered glass. She'd assured her that she would get better soon, that it was just going to take a little time that was all, and to get a good nights rest. Kate had smiled when she'd finished. Told her she'd sleep well. Hugged her at the door and disappeared the next day.

No matter the circumstances, Kate knew that her best friend was not going to take this well. Not in the I-need-a-while-to-think-on-this way, but more in the I-am-going-to-beat-your-ass kind of way.

"I swear to God Javier if this is your idea of a joke, it is six in the morning on my day off and I will not hesitate to-"

"Lanie?" Kate interrupts quietly, ignoring the way Castle's watching her, like he knows what's going on. He reads her entirely too easy.

There's silence on the other line and for a moment Kate is certain that Lanie's going to hang up. It's not as though Kate could resent her for it. She'd left Lanie's life with no valuable reasons why, had never left a note, had never even contacted her to let her know that she was okay. For all Lanie knew, Kate could've been dead. Maybe they had looked for a body. Maybe they had looked for her. Maybe they had cared, after all- Despite everything that she had put them all through. Lanie, and the boys, did not deserve the treatment she'd given them. She was the reason that their captain had died. She was the reason that their lives were pulled into a mess of corruption. But- But leaving had seemed like the only option. The only way to get them all out of this. Except herself, of course. Still searching for answers. Needing them like they are precious oxygen.

"Kate?"

Lanie's voice brims with excitement and confusion and happiness and anger- so many emotions and Kate can't sort through them all, not when she feels as though she's going to pass out any moment now. Not when her own veins are practically throbbing beneath her skin with nerves and pain.

"Yeah, Lanie." Kate whispers. "It's me."

Lanie allows a moment of silence, and then-

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, where the hell have you been?!" She yells, and Kate holds the cell away from her ear a little, wincing. "Do you know how worried you had us all? One minute you're alive and recovering and the next you're just gone. We thought you were dead! We thought that they'd got to you! Esposito and Ryan searched for months, until one day your dad rolled up to the precinct and told us that you were alive, that you'd gone into hiding. Hiding, Kate? For five years? Without a word to any of us? How the Hell were we supposed to know if you were okay, if you were safe? Whatever you needed, we could've helped you with, girl."

Lanie falls silent and Kate feels Castle wiping away the tears that stain her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Lanie." She murmurs, fists clenched around the grass, unable to convey the level of her apology.

"Damn right you're sorry." Lanie hisses. "What the Hell happened to you, Kate? I thought you were getting better. I thought you were moving on."

Kate rubs a weak hand across her forehead, grimaces at the feel of drying blood. "Lanie- I-" She chokes on the words and clenches her jaw in determination. "I swear, I can explain everything to you. But I need you to do something for me."

"Oh, so that's what this is? You need a favor and thought that you could just come running to me after five years of nothin'? Na-uh, honey."

Kate accepts the words quietly. She deserves them.

"Lanie." She says slowly, feeling the life draining from her with every blink. "I-I'm in a lot of trouble and I need your help. I- I don't think that I can- can make it without your help." She hiccups around the words. "I think I'm gonna die, Lanie."

Castle's hand squeezes tight around her own reflexively and she feels herself wince. He must catch it because his grip becomes lighter immediately, almost letting go if it weren't for the way she holds on tight, unwilling to let him go if these are her last moments, if this is the day she's finally- finally- going to die.

Lanie changes attitude swiftly, making Kate rattle off her injuries across the phone, hearing Lanie gather herself as she does. Not once does Castle let go of her hand, thumb stroking softly against the skin, quietly comforting her just the way that she needs it. His breath hitches when she explains where they are to Lanie, urging her to hurry and not be seen by anyone. The police are bound to find the body soon and being to search the perimeter. They don't have long.

"Lanie." She whispers just before she ends the call, eyes turning away from Castle as she does. As though she can have any kind of privacy. "If- If you come here and I'm already-" She can't say the words, but she needs to get them out, because she feels like her body is caving in on itself, "dead. Or- Or you don't think I'll make it. Then, Lanie please, there's a guy here, his name's Castle and I need you to get him out of this-"

"Kate-"

"Castle, shut up." She protests weakly at his words, turning back to speak into the phone. "If there's no chance I'll make it, then please, get him out of here. He's not done anything wrong, let Javi and Kevin speak to him about all of this, okay? Just make sure he's safe. I know I have no right to ask you to do anything for me, but please, Lanie. Please."

There's a stunned silence on the other end of the phone, and she hears Lanie sniff.

"Damn, girl." She whispers. "What happened to you?"

They end the phone call and Kate turns to Castle. Finds him staring at her with a mix of emotions swirling in his eyes- anger, anxiety, grief- and she doesn't have the heart to try and protest against them. She's selfish enough, though, to wish that he would stop staring at her in that way. She doesn't want this to be the last time she sees his eyes. Kate wants them to be how they were before, happy and carefree, so much light shining in their blue depths. That's how she wants to remember him. Not like this. Not this broken, damaged version of him that's only come about because of her. Dying with the weight of that guilt would be too much.

"Castle." She whispers, reaching out to stroke his jaw.

He captures her hands with his own, leaning forwards to press his forehead against hers. "Kate, don't give up. Help's on the way, okay? Your friend will help you. You're gonna be okay."

But her vision is blurring and she can't see his eyes anymore. Is it death or are they tears? She's not sure and she doesn't have the energy to check her cheeks with her hands. Simply leans against him, forehead pressing into his shoulder and breathes him in. He smells like cologne and sweat and home. Always home.

"Promise me, if there's no help for me, you'll go with her."

"Kate-"

"Think of your daughter. Think of Alexis. You need to get out of all of this for her, okay?"

"That's not fair. Please don't make me choose between you two."

"Why? Because your choice is the right one?" She whispers weakly, feeling her eyes close without her permission. Kate sighs heavily, the weight of all the things she'll never get to say, never get to do, too heavy on her chest.

"No. Because I can't live myself after a choice like that. Please, Kate. You're gonna be just fine, okay? Your friend- Lanie- she'll fix your leg up and- and whatever else it is that's wrong. Right, Kate? Right?"

His pleading is cutting through the jagged edges of her heart.

Kate reaches up with all of her last strength and presses a soft kiss to the pulse beating rapidly in his neck. She's glad it's him, here, holding her; no matter how selfish that is of her, no matter the lasting impact it will have on him. She's selfish and she knows it. But he holds her and she feels all the love he has for her and it's so different compared to the first time she felt her life leave her body. So different to bleeding out from the chest because of a bullet, nobody holding her close and murmuring her name over and over, telling her that it will be okay.

"I loved you, Castle." Is she already speaking about herself in past tense? "For a little while."

She never does hear his answer. Simply feels his arms hold her tighter even though she's slipping away for the last time.

Castle holds her, whimpering, whispering her name over and over. Watching the blood trickle from her mouth and the way her eyes close. If it weren't for the mangled state of her leg, the blood staining her skin red, then he could probably describe her as peaceful. Probably. There's just- No ghosts haunting her in this state. No ever-present cloud looming over her like an omen. She could almost be sleeping, if he squints his eyes hard enough and pretends.

His hands ghost over her clammy, already cold skin, trying to warm her in any way possible. Wraps his jacket tighter around the wound of her leg. Prays as he trembles and his heart stutters that she'll be okay. She has to be. She has only just begun living her life again, he had this plan going to get her back to normality, to make her leave her assassin ways. He had all these dreams, so sudden and intense for a woman he's barely known a week, about her meeting his daughter, his mother, leaving an even larger mark on his life than she already had. A white dress.

But she's still in his hands and he presses a kiss to her forehead, words clogging in his throat and choking him.

"My God."

He hears the gasp come from somewhere to his right and looks up to find a dark skinned woman dressed appropriately for the spring morning rushing towards them. Her eyes are filled with torment and if he hadn't seen that he would've hid Kate's body away from her, but something in him instantly knows who this woman is.

"You're Lanie?"

The woman falls to her knees before Kate, never sparing him a glance, trembling hands running across Kate's leg, her ribs, the back of her head. Whispering strangled words he can't decode.

"Hey. You. You-You're Lanie, right?"

Lanie looks up at Castle's more firm statement, eyes watering with tears. "Yeah, I am. You're," she lets out a laugh as she says his name, "Richard Castle. Huh. Of course."

"Of course?"

Lanie smirks, running a hand through Kate's hair fondly. "You were always this girl's favourite author."

He notices her use of past tense. His heart rate starts picking up because no, God no, this cannot be happening. Kate is not allowed to die. That's not how it goes. He can't allow it. Won't ever let it.

"Please tell me you can save her." He manages to say around his tears, staring Lanie in the eyes. "Please don't let her die."

Lanie's hand covers his and squeezes sympathetically, eyes glittering. "Honey, I'll try. But- But I have to respect her wishes. If there's too little hope, I'm sorry. We'll have to leave her."

"No!" He protests loudly, clutching Kate's body tighter in his hands. "No, you can't just give up on her."

"I'm not giving up on her if I save you. Damn, I haven't heard from her in five years. You're important if she broke that record for my help. Not just my medical help either, but to get you out of this. Whatever this is."

He meets her eyes. Forgets every rule he's ever learned about being polite. "You save her life or you damn well learn to live with her death on your shoulders, because I swear, I will never let you forget it."