AN: This has been sitting in my queue for months.
Mute
By: anybodihearme
Originally Uploaded: Thursday, February 2, 2017
There are so many things I want to say yet the majority of them are things that I cannot.
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not an egocentric person but rather an altruistic one. In the end, we all bleed red and bruise black and blue, so there is nothing that makes my person more valuable than another's. Growing up in the household that I did, it was only natural for me to inherit my mother's charismatic nature and put others before myself. I gain no pleasure in putting myself above others but only seclusion and loneliness. Establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship between myself and the people around me are more important than my rank among them. We create these social hierarchies to feel good about ourselves but we always end up acquiring negative emotions and creating self-doubt within ourselves that even though we may be ranked at the top, we are actually mentally are at the bottom.
This is something that I cannot say.
I am not rude or arrogant by any means. I find no pleasure in mocking others because they are different from me or have opposing opinions. We all come from different walks of life so it's only logical that we all have experienced different events that have shaped our opinions and point of views. Instead of putting others down because we are different we could come together and learn from each other to broaden our perspectives and grow as individuals and possibly a society. Everyone is unique in their own way and it's simply immoral to judge someone because they are slightly different from you and don't conform to your societal ideals.
This is something I cannot say.
I am handsome, muscular and athletic; however, those are not my defining characteristics. I am more than my looks, my physical capabilities, and societal label. There is more to me than what I let on. Indulge in a conversation with me and you'll come to realize that I am not the stereotypical jock who is merely unintelligent but rather an individual that possess interesting opinions and points of views on concerning topics who loves to debate and educate themselves at all times. I do value being healthy and staying active but physical health is not the only type of health that is important: you have mental and emotional health as well. It is important to balance these two out because they rely on one another; this is something people tend to forget.
This is something I cannot say.
I do not condone drugs by any means. Drugs are a poison that destroys someone from the inside out and once one begins it's hard for one to stop. Drugs have the capability of taking complete control over someone's life and changing them into someone that they are not. Drugs are destructive and it's better to avoid them at all costs.
Simple as that.
This is something I cannot say.
I am popular among the female population at school and a certain cheerleader swears we are dating, but to be honest, when it comes to girls I am socially awkward. That statement may be a little misleading because Nazz and I are best friends even though she is a female, but we are not awkward towards one another. To be clear, when I am surrounded by girls who are flirting with me I tend to forget how to speak and end up embarrassing myself. It's quite tragic, to say the least. I think the most complicated part of the whole ordeal is that many of the girls who flirt with me I find unattractive and unappealing. It's not that they are "ugly" but there's nothing about them I find interesting and worthwhile. It's the same thing over and over: We would be so cute together; You and me, Prom King and Prom Queen; We're hot so it's only natural for us to be together. There is no emotional, mental, or physical connection. Just words without meanings.
This is something I cannot say.
I'm a virgin. Careless, casual, and carnal sex is not for me. I want to save myself for someone that I truly love and want to experience that emotional level of commitment with. Sex may be a physical act but it is more than an act of affection or adoration but a mental and emotional investment. I want to make sure that I am ready to take that on before I jump into bed with someone. I want to be able to fully emotionally invest in not only myself but the person I feel for.
This is something I cannot say.
I am not afraid to show my emotions. When I started junior year, my father died and I cried for weeks but due to societal norms, no one knows that except for my mother and myself. I was raised in a very emotional household so it's only natural for me to be keen on displaying my emotions. I find no weakness in it but instead strength. It takes a great amount of effort for a man to show their emotions and reveal their feelings to the ones around them. It silently shows how strong of an individual they truly are. It's quite amazing and respectable, to say the least.
This is something I cannot say.
I am not homophobic. It would kind of be hard for me to be when I am bisexual. I will admit, however, when I first came to terms with myself concerning my sexuality, I was scared. I had the truth from my parents for months until I couldn't stand lying to them. When I found the courage to share that part of myself with them, I sat them down and explained everything that I was feeling and experiencing, telling them that this is who I am. It was no shocker that we all cried, even my father. My mother didn't say anything but hug me and whisper her love for him as did my dad. It wasn't until the next that my mother told me she knew all along and was just waiting for me to come out when I was ready; however, my dad, on the other hand, was a little shocked and angry. Don't get him wrong, he loves me but was just mad at my timing of coming out. Between my parents, my father and mother made a bet on when I would come out; let's just say my dad lost.
This is something I cannot say.
"Kevin," someone calls, waving their hand in front of my face and cutting my view of the delicate boy off. "Kevin," their hand waves in front of me again. "Hello," they call, elongating the end of the word. A hand grips my shoulder, shaking me roughly and making me direct my attention towards them. Brown eyes filled to the brim with irritation stare down at me.
"What?" I asked, looking around the table and seeing the entire football team staring at me.
"You were staring at that four-eyed freak again! I swear it's like you have a crush or something on him. Don't tell me you're turning into a fucking unicorn!" Nick, the one with the irritated eyes, jokes, making the entire table erupted in laughter. Feeling the unease of emotions masked by the laughter, I laughed too and push Nick out of his chair.
"Please, me gay? Have you lost your damn mind?" I joke, making everyone point and laugh at Nick sitting on the floor. "That nerd owes me math homework and I'm trying to decide how to fuck him up if I don't get it by tenth period." Rolling my eyes, I look around the table and see everyone either laughing or nodding their head in agreement.
This is something I can say.