A/N - I am so incredibly sorry for the wait. And if you reviewed and I didn't get a chance to reply, please accept my apologies. I read each and every one, and they mean the world to me. Thanks for being patient. And as always, thanks to my wonderful Team Bean girls.

This chapter is brought to you by Lifehouse's It Is What It Is

Chapter 21 – Pocket full of Angel Blades

Too long we've been denying. Now we're both tired of trying. We hit a wall and we can't get over it. Nothing left to relive. It's water under the bridge. You said it, I get it, I guess it is what it is.

Sam did a double take and spun around to face me, his eyes full of shock.

"Hey, guys."

Dean glared at me, nostrils flaring. "Don't 'hey, guys' us! Do you have any idea how stupid you are?"

My skin began to flush as my heart sped up, and I felt the rage burning within. "Gee, it's nice to see you too, Dean."

Sam exhaled slowly as Dean turned back around and faced the road. "What Dean's trying to say is we were worried."

"I'm fine." My voice was flat, defeated. Cas had dropped a major bombshell on me, and I was still reeling from the aftermath. Despite the sense of relief that came with knowing everything between Dean and me was real, I still felt like I was running up a hill and never reaching the top. I was tired of fighting with him, but that was typical Dean, too busy fighting his way through life instead of living it.

Taking a deep breath, I let out a long sigh. Sam didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of my attitude. "I'm here, aren't I?"

Before Sam had a chance to respond, Dean cut in. "Yeah, but for how long?"

I looked up and met his eyes in the mirror. His eyes were as hard as the line his jaw was set in. "You make a deal?" he asked so nonchalantly, like it didn't even matter.

"You know I didn't." I could be just as cold. "You're the one that sent Cas to stop me."

Dean tightened his grip on the steering wheel, and Sam side-eyed him before turning back to me and added, "We weren't sure if he'd get to you in time. Dean was already a mess trying to track you. You really know how to throw someone off your trail..."

My lips twisted into a half-smile. "I learned from the best."

Sam smiled back at me. "I kept trying to tell him we'd find you, but then Dad called and told us what you were up to..."

"Don't sugarcoat it, Sammy. She was going to summon a demon. A Crossroads Demon for crying out loud!"

Sam exchanged a warning look with his brother and continued, "We were short on options so we called Cas."

I raised my eyebrows. "Since when do angels carry cellphones?"

"Cut the crap, Bella." Dean's sharp tone sliced through the light facade Sam and I were trying to create. "You stole the journal...went behind our backs...for what? What was so important you couldn't fill us in on your secret plan? What made you think you could do this on your own? That you didn't need..."

"Dean, enough." Sam had raised his voice just enough to stop Dean's verbal attack.

My mouth was still hanging open when Dean lifted his hands off the steering wheel for a brief second to signal his surrender."I'm done. There's nothing she can say that will make this okay."

Loud, crunchy guitar riffs filled the car and Dean kept his eyes on the road. I lowered my head as the frantic rhythm of the song mirrored the beating of my heart. He was right. Even if I told him the truth, that I was going to sell my soul for him, it wouldn't be enough. Too consumed by my own demons, feeling like I had no control over my life again, I did something incredibly selfish and rationalized it by telling myself it was all for Dean, when in reality I didn't even give him or his feelings a second thought. I had committed the worst betrayal, not just by going behind his back but because I refused to see what was right in front of me. What we had was real.

As I thought about all my mistakes and missteps, how differently I could have handled things, Sam's desperate plea echoed in my mind.

Don't let him think he doesn't matter.

But that was exactly what I did. I sat in the backseat feeling sorry for myself and wondering if it was too little too late. The way Dean's jaw remained tense and his eyes never wavered from the road confirmed my suspicions. A sharp cut of the wheel sent me flying across the seat as he threw the car into reverse and pulled a U-turn, heading in the opposite direction.

"What the hell, Dean?" Sam shouted. He turned to face his brother, demanding an explanation.

Rubbing my shoulder, I looked up and glared into the front seat.

Dean turned stiffly toward Sam, his lips pressed in a thin line. "We passed a motel a few miles back."

"Okay..." Sam hesitated. "That doesn't explain the NASCAR driving."

"I've been driving all night. I didn't feel like driving another twenty minutes till the next one."

Sam turned around and exchanged a wary look with me before I averted my eyes and faced the window, watching the streetlights blur as Dean sped toward his refuge. I had heard what he refused to say out loud. I need to get away from her. It felt like he shoved his hand through my chest and squeezed my heart until it sputtered out its dying beats. I didn't know if he purposely directed his thoughts at me or he was really just too tired and it was an involuntary slip. Either way, the damage was done.

~o~

I slung my bag over my shoulder, wincing slightly. It was still tender after I had smashed it into the door when Dean decided he was Dale Earnhardt Jr. Sam and Dean walked over to the front desk while I lingered in the lobby. I had learned if I remained out of sight, we weren't met with as many prodding questions and strange looks. Dean was still waiting to sign the slip from his stolen credit card, and Sam made his way towards me. He reached out his hand a slipped a room key in mine.

Looking up, I gave him a quizzical look. "You're not coming?"

"I'm gonna walk to the convenience store and grab the newspaper. See if anything is happening. Omens have been popping up all over the place since Haniel started working with Eve. We're trying to track her next move." He mustered a hopeful smile.

I started to chew on my lower lip, shaking my head slightly. Sucking in a sharp breath, I warned, "Sam, this better not be you trying to get me and Dean to work things out...because we are so not ready for that right now."

Letting out a breathy laugh, he said, "Look, that guy behind the desk looks like he's about to keel over any minute."

Looking around Sam, I chanced a glance and could see the frustration literally roll off of Dean. His back was rigid, and he squeezed his eyes shut, taking slow, deep breaths, trying to calm himself. The old man with his hunched over back and shaking hand took little baby steps back towards the desk. The sales slip fell from his hand and slowly floated to the ground. Dean let out a loud sigh and the man proceeded to bend down, placing a hand on his back as he crouched to the ground.

Sam raised his eyebrows, laughter filling his eyes. "See what I mean? It may take awhile. I figured you could take the time to get settled."

I squeezed the key tightly and took a deep breath. "Thanks."

Both of us headed out the door together. I went to the left towards our room and Sam walked in the opposite direction but stopped in his tracks.

"Bella?"

Wrapping my arms around my body, bracing myself for whatever bomb he was about to drop, I spun around on my heels and faced him.

"Dean doesn't stay mad forever. He only gets like this because he cares..."

I closed my eyes and nodded. In a barely there whisper I added, "I know."

"Alright." Before the awkward silence became too much, Sam shook the hair out of his eyes and gave me a sad smile before turning around and walking away.

I quickened my step and made it to our motel room. Carefully opening the door, I flipped on the light and held my breath. We never knew what kind of room we'd end up with. It wasn't the nicest place we'd stayed, but it certainly wasn't the worst. The color scheme was made up of deep browns and light blues. There was something very masculine about the geometric bed spreads, matching curtains, and dark cherry furniture. I let my fingers graze along the length of the breakfast nook. No dust. That was promising. Hopefully the bathroom was just as clean.

Tossing my bag down on one of the beds, I rounded the corner and entered the bathroom. The harsh lights were almost blinding against the pristine white paint and fixtures, but the sink and toilet were clean, no rust stains, and it didn't smell of bleach or mildew so that was a plus. I thought about taking a shower, but I wasn't sure how long I had to myself, and getting interrupted by Dean was the last thing either of us needed. Standing in front of the mirror, I turned the water on and let it run ice cold. I placed my hands under the faucet and let the frigidness seep into my bones. My skin turned blotchy as I assaulted my face with the cold water. It was numbing and revitalizing all at the same time. Drops of water trickled down my reddened cheeks as I stared at my reflection.

Who the hell was this person?

The girl that had fought her way through the fog and crippling depression, the one that so badly wanted a chance to live seemed to have retreated to some place so deep inside of me I could hardly hear her cries or feel her clawing her way to the surface. I scowled at my reflection: the same sad eyes and trembling hands of the pathetic little girl Edward had left in the woods. It had finally dawned on me—that wasn't me. And that certainly wasn't someone that could go toe to toe with Dean Winchester. I had already spent too much time lingering on my mistakes and blaming myself for everything that happened with Edward. If the apocalypse was right around the corner, I couldn't afford to do that with Dean.

I turned off the water and reached over to grab a face towel off the rack to pat my face dry. My hand rested on the doorknob and I lowered my head, taking one last calming breath before opening the bathroom door. When I lifted my head, Dean was standing in the middle of the room, a stoic glare on his face, and I stopped in my tracks, my breath catching in my throat. When our eyes met, his face softened a bit, and his lips parted as if he was about to say something. He just continued to stare, a trace of pain or regret in his eyes. Annoyed with the heavy, crushing silence, I rolled my eyes, letting out an angry huff, and shook my head before pushing past him and walking out the door. He didn't follow but I did manage to bump into Sam.

"Hey, easy there." He placed his hands on my shoulders, stilling me. "Where are you off to?"

Sam's gentle touch did little to calm the live wires underneath my flesh. I let out an exaggerated huff. "I can't do it, Sam." My whole body shook with frustration and Sam knowingly squeezed me, grounding me back to him. "I was gonna lay it all out there but he just stood there with this stupid look on his face. If he's not ready to talk, he sure as hell isn't ready to listen."

He pulled away and looked down at me, a sad smile on his lips. "He just needs more time, Bella. Dean never handles this stuff well."

"Well, I don't really think that's something we have a whole lot of." I nodded toward the newspaper under his arm. "You got anything?"

Sam grabbed the newspaper in one hand and wrapped his other arm around me. "Why don't we go get a drink? There's a little bar down the street."

I skeptically narrowed my eyes at him as he guided us in the direction of the bar. "Gee, it must be bad if you need to get me drunk before you can tell me."

~o~

Sam wrapped his hands around the glass mug and appeared to be oddly fascinated by the amber liquid. I stared for a moment as he swiped his thumbs up and down the sides, leaving careless patterns in the condensation.

"Alright, spill."

He looked up from his beer and gave me a wary glance. "We don't know why Haniel fell. Cas is still working on it. What we do know is she's hell bent on helping Eve break Lucifer out."

I gave the bartender a fake smile as he walked past us."Okay..."

"It's bad, Bella. I guess you really pissed her off when the union between you and Dean wouldn't take."

My eyes widened. "That's what this is about?" People around us were starting to stare after my loud out burst, so I leaned into Sam for more privacy. Lowering my voice, I continued, "She's working with the mother of all evil because she couldn't do her job right?"

"There's gotta be more to it than that. It's like she's personally gunning for you, Bella."

I flexed my jaw and stared at him intently, trying to follow but I couldn't help but feel like I was missing something. "So now I have two bitches with a grudge after me? Great!" I gripped the edge of the bar and shifted uncomfortably on my stool.

Sam placed his hand over mine, drawing my attention back to him. "Eve was ready to give up." His eyes were so honest, still full of hope. " Edward's gone so the threat of you opening the gate is gone. You don't really have a reason to choose that path anymore. Then this fallen angel, Haniel, swoops in and tells her there's another way to open the cage and let Lucifer out."

"Well that's good right? I mean the whole releasing Lucifer thing is still bad...but at least it's not all on me now." I raised my eyebrows, mustering a hopeful smile.

Sam sighed and gave me a sympathetic look. "Sam," I hesitated, "why are you looking at me like that?"

"She's convinced Eve to let her go back in time...to stop you from being born. We still don't know how that's gonna help set Lucifer free but we need to stop her for obvious reasons."

Sam tried to give me a reassuring smile, but I just felt the room start to spin. The air left my lungs in a swift gust. Tiny black stars began to swim behind my eyes as I fought for oxygen. The steady thud of my heartbeat in my ears managed to calm me down enough to regulate my breathing. I was slowly coming back to reality.

A small smile formed on my lips, and I placed my hand up to stop Sam from finishing his ridiculous story. "I'm sorry. I thought you said Haniel is planning on pulling a reverse Michael J. Fox to make sure I was never born."

Sam remained focused, his face a mask of seriousness, and I was secretly hoping Dean would just pop out the corner already and say, "Gotcha."

"Apparently, she can teleport through time and space."

I stood up from my seat and looked around the room, laughing under my breath. "Okay, just stop. Where is he? You can come out now, Dean."

Sam pulled me back down on the bar stool and held my hand tightly. "Dean doesn't know yet. I just found out."

"How?"

"Bobby's been doing some digging. She's going by Anna Milton now. Whatever vessel she took can't be much older than you. She looks harmless but she's smiting anyone that stands in her way."

I yanked my hand away and shook my head. "You've got to be kidding me!"

Sam softened his voice trying to calm me. He gave me his sad puppy dog eyes. "I know it's pretty bad, but we'll figure it out. Dean and I won't let anything happen to you."

"I'm beginning to appreciate Castiel's cheesy humor a lot more," I said matter-of-factly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Anna Milton. As in John Milton..." I was waiting for the gears in Sam's head to start turning.

"The guy who wrote Paradise Lost?" Sam glanced at me questioningly.

I gave him an encouraging nod and gestured with my hand for him to continue. "Yeah, and what was that about..."

Sam closed his eyes, thinking for a minute, and then snapped them open. "Lucifer, the war in Heaven, fallen angels..."

My lips pressed into a thin smile. He still hadn't caught the big picture yet. "Adam and Eve."

"God, Bella!" Sam pushed his stool back from the bar, the scraping of the metal against the floor made my insides quiver. He hopped off and pulled me down with him. "Come on, we got to go. I need to talk to Bobby, and we need to get in touch with Cas."

I had a hard time keeping up with Sam as he jogged back to the motel. His legs were so long, and my feet could be considered a natural disaster all of their own. By the time we got there, I was a little winded. He burst through the door while I rested my hand against the door frame and tried to catch my breath.

When I finally looked up and took in Dean's appearance my stomach began to roll like a snake slithering around in there. Dean, who was always on edge and ready to pack up at a moments notice, looked completely relaxed. The television remote was in one hand and a beer rested on his stomach as his chest rose with steady breaths. He slightly turned his head away from the television and appraised the situation in front of him.

Sam frantically raced around the room, gathering his things, and tossed a bag at Dean. Dean lifted himself up on his elbows, glaring, completely put out."What the hell, Sammy?"

"Dean, get up! We need to go..." Dean looked over to the doorway and carefully studied me "...now!" Sam shouted.

He tore his eyes away from me and pushed himself off the bed with a disgruntled sigh. Then he came up behind Sam, still not making a move to get his things, and asked,"What's going on?"

Sam slung his bag over his shoulder. "I'll explain in the car."

Dean had the clueless look on his face and muttered something under his breath as he started packing up. I cast him a sidewards glance as I grabbed my own things. If Sam was this shook up about the turn of events, I could only imagine how Dean would react. Then again, he was still mad so who knew if he'd even give a crap.

A crazed smile formed on my lips as I walked out to the Impala. The universe had a horrible sense of irony. The whole time I wanted to end it and thought of how much better things would be if I was never born, I could never find any relief. Now that I had the will to live, a purpose for once, the evil bitch, was finally giving me what I wanted.

I settled into the backseat, and Sam was already waiting in the car. He had his cell phone pressed against his ear with one hand and was flipping through pages of a book.

"No, he's not answering." Dean cast Sam a pensive glance before getting in and starting up the car. Sam turned to Dean and acknowledged him with a head nod, telling him to go ahead and drive. "Yeah, we'll try that. Thanks, Bobby."

Dean easily steered the car with one hand and turned to face his brother. "You wanna tell me what the hell is going on now?"

Closing his flip phone, Sam tucked it safely in the front pocket of his jacket. "Dad managed to track down Eve and Haniel."

"Great!" Dean genuinely smiled, a little bit of the hunter that loved the fight finally coming through. He rested his wrists over the steering wheel, wove his fingers together, and cracked them. "Let's gank those bitches."

He was almost too excited to go up against Haniel and Eve. Never one to shy away from a hunt, he was unnaturally confident, even for Dean. I didn't know when it happened, maybe some time between when I took off and when he found out what I was about to do, but Dean had changed. He no longer had to fight in this war...he needed to. Whatever epiphany he had didn't sit right with me. I could still feel that snake slithering away in my gut and spewing venomous ice into my veins.

Sam tilted his head to the side and let out a nervous laugh. "That's part of the problem. We don't exactly know how to kill them."

Dean wagged his eyebrows, cracking a cocky smile. "Well, that's what Cas is for. Where is he anyway?"

Sam's lips formed a thin line. "He's not picking up."

Pursing his lips, Dean nodded. "Okay, not a big deal. Maybe Dad or Bobby knows something."

Sighing, Sam said, "This isn't just a vengeful spirit or cursed object, Dean. We're talking about the apocalypse. We're up against Eve and an angel!"

Smiling, Dean reassured Sam. "Calm down, Sammy. Don't worry. We'll stop them. We always do."

I wasn't sure where this optimistic Dean had come from. It was such a stark contrast to the broken guy that had me pinned up against the bathroom wall of that seedy motel room telling me how he wasn't sure what he was fighting for, if any of it was even worth it anymore. I tried to put my finger on what had changed. I tamped the pang in my chest that made me think maybe it was me, like it didn't matter if we lost the war as long as we were alright...as long as Iwas alright. There was that bitch of a universe rearing her ugly head again. Just when things were starting to look up, when maybe Dean and I were finally back on track, I was about to cease to exist.

Lifting my eyes to meet his in the mirror, I said sadly, "Unless you have access to a DeLorean, I don't think that's gonna happen."

Dean turned over his shoulder, his eyebrows knitting together. "What are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Haniel...or Anna now..." I shrugged, not really caring if I got her name right "...is planning on going back in time to make sure I was never born."

A strange calmness washed over Dean's face. "Right...okay, well let's get in touch with Cas and figure out how to stop her." He turned to Sam. "What did Bobby say about finding Cas?"

There was something very wrong with Dean. Even Sam noticed when he curled his lips and looked at him funny. This wasn't the hot headed, rash man I had fallen in love with. The Dean I loved would have had an outburst of some sort, maybe slam his fists into the steering wheel and scream for Cas to get off his lazy winged ass and come down here and help. We had to tackle one thing at a time, and as soon as we figured out how to stop Anna, if we stopped Anna, I planned on finding out what was going on with him.

Sam moved in the seat to face me. "You and Cas have a connection. Bobby seems to think if you pray, he may come."

"If you pray, it will come." I rolled my eyes and smirked. "Alright, fine. It seems a little too easy, but I'll give it a go." I closed my eyes and let a sense of peace radiate around. Taking a few deep breaths, I finally spoke. "Are you there, Cas? It's me, Bella."

There was a soft rustling next to me and I felt his presence before I opened my eyes.

Snapping open my eyes, I gasped. "Holy shit, it worked!"

"Nice of you to show, Cas." A little bit of that gruffness I found oddly comforting laced Dean's voice. "Tell us you know how to stop her."

Cas lifted his jacket to the side, revealing a long, silver dagger. "It's an Angel Blade. I still don't know why she's doing this, but I will kill her to protect you, Bella."

Dean clenched his jaw and forced a smile. "That's real sweet, Cas, but it doesn't really help us if we don't know where she is."

Tilting his head to the side and narrowing his eyes at Dean, he said, "That's easy. She'll return to Bella's birthplace once she's obtained the blood of her parents."

Not exactly thrilled with the prospect of returning to Forks, I swallowed thickly. "Wait, let's think about this for a minute. If we prevent her from getting to my parents then she can't complete the ritual, right?"

A flapping of wings followed a gust of air whipping through the car, and I turned to my side to find Castiel gone. "He really needs to stop doing that."

As soon as I got my words out, a gentle rustle of feathers indicated Castiel was back. "I was able to mark your parents so she wouldn't be able to find them. Great thinking, Bella."

Cautiously, I asked, "What does marking them actually entail?"

"I carved Enochian Sigils on their ribs." His voice was calm, like it wasn't a big deal to dig into my parents' chest and draw some weird angel drawings. I opened my mouth to protest but he quickly added, "It was only uncomfortable for a few minutes. When they come to, they won't remember a thing."

"So crisis averted?" Dean asked turning to face us, a smile lighting his eyes when he found my face.

"Not exactly. A more direct approach would have been to retrieve Bella's blood for the ritual. Haniel knew she was protected by the two of you so she avoided it all costs." Castiel turned to face me. "She'll becoming for you..." he gripped the Angel Blade tightly in his fist "...but we'll be ready."

E/N – Again, I apologize for the wait. Rest assured this story will be finished. We're just about at the halfway mark. I have lots planned for everyone.